Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings

Of Boats, Orcs, and Boromir

After several days of floating around on a boat, the Fellowship was beyond bored. Sadly, they even started to envy Sam because he actually had something to do, which was taking care of his poisoness plant.

Sam looked up from trimming the leaves to see everyone staring at him.

" What?" he asked.

Everyone looked away.

" Oh no! Does this shirt make me look fat!?" freaked out Sam.

" Uhhh...Sam? Everything makes you look fat." said Frodo.

Sam smiled, "You guys are funny."

" I was being serious..." mumbled Frodo.

Aragorn, restless from his lack of video-gaming, was rocking back and forth on the floor of the boat.

" Haven't...played...Black-Ops...for three days..." he muttered to himself.

" You haven't played World of Warcraft either." said Gimli.

Aragorn's eyes widened and he stuck his thumb in his mouth.

In the other boat, Pippin was rooting around the the food sack for something to play with. He pulled out an apple.

" Hey Merry!" called Pippin.

" Yeah?!" said Merry.

" Catch!" cried Pippin, chucking the apple in Merry's direction. It sored over Merry's head and flew into the trees, knocking an orc atop the head.

" Hey!" the orc yelled, "Are you kids playing on my yard again!? I'm gonna rip out your intestines and use them as a jump-rope!"

" Rage." said Merry, and him and Pippin burst into giggles.

" We're being followed!" exclaimed Legolas.

" No duh Lego-head." said Gimli.

" What's Lego?" asked Sam.

" It's an evil contraption that will kill you if you look at it!" yelled Merry.

Sam whimpered in fear.

" Merry!" exclaimed Frodo, "That wasn't very nice!"

" What's 'nice'?" asked Sam in confusion.

Frodo groaned and put his head in his hands.

" I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that will get on your nerves, and this is how it goes!" sang Pippin.

Frodo glared at Pippin, who started nervously humming Old McDonald Had A Farm.

" Hey Frodo!" said Merry, "Can we get take-out?"

" Yes! Take-out!" squealed Pippin. He leaned out of his boat and started ordering into a rock.

" I want chicken nuggets, Diet Coke, apple pie, Diet Coke, cheese fondu, and did I mention Diet Coke?"

Frodo rolled his eyes.

" Hey!" exclaimed Sam, "What's that?!"

Standing on either side of the river were giant statues, holding their hands out as if halting the boats.

Pippin grinned. "They must want a high-five!" He put his hand up and gave each statue an air-high-five.

" Actually, Pippin." said Merry, "I think they want to play Patty-Cake."

Pippin's smile grew even wider, and he began playing air-Patty-Cake with the statues.

Legolas, however, was more focused on their feet.

" Those statues' need a proper pedicure." he said.

" Good idea Legolas!" said Pippin joyfully, snatching Legolas' magical make-up kit out of his bag. He put it in his mouth and jumped off the boat, doggy-paddling to the base of one of the statues. Merry soon got out to join him.

A few hours later, they swam back to their boats, leaving the statues with multi-coloured toe-nails due to the fact that they kept running out of certain colours fairly quickly.

Legolas looked at their handy-work in approval.

" Much better." he said as the colours started to run together to form a sickly greenish brown.

" Ew." said Frodo.

They travelled further down the river until night-fall, where they set up camp on the river-bank.

Pippin got off the boat and stuck a penny into the dirt.

Frodo looked at him strangely. "What did you do that for?"

" Well, it's called a river-BANK now isn't it?" answered Pippin, while Frodo resisted the urge to chuck him back into the river.

" I need to make a with-drawl." said Merry, pulling the penny out of the ground.

Pippin stared at Merry in horror. "Bank robber! Bank robber!" he screamed.

" Gummy worms!" said Merry, pulling a bag of gummy worms out of his pocket. Pippin squealed and swallowed the entire bag.

" SANTA'S COMMING! GO TO SLEEP!" yelled Frodo. Everyone crashed instantly.

Frodo grinned to himself. "I should use that more often."

The next day, everbody was trying to get Aragorn to wake up so they could get going.

Merry and Pippin were jumping up and down on his stomach, Gimli was kicking him in the side, Frodo was tickling his feet with a feather, Sam was eating, and Legolas was sitting on a rock, refusing to go anywhere near the smelly ranger.

Aragorn groaned and rolled over, causing Merry and Pippin to fall flat on their backs.

" Just five more minutes." he muttered.

Gimli kicked him where it hurts.

" Owwie!" squealed Aragorn, "I'm up! I'm up!"

" Yey!" cheered Merry and Pippin.

Aragorn sat up groggily and looked around.

" Hey." he said, "Where's Boromir?"

The Fellowship froze and looked around wildly.

" Uhhh, we don't know." said Frodo apologetically.

" Quick everyone! Let's go search for him!" yelled Aragorn,

Everyone scampered off in different directions calling for Boromir while Aragorn grinned and curled back up on the ground.

" Losers." he said.

At that moment, Boromir walked back into the campsite.

" Where did everybody go?" he asked in confusion.

" Bathroom breaks." said Aragorn sleepily.

Boromir shrugged and wandered back off into the woods.

In the meantime, Frodo was spazzing about how he couldn't figure out who the hell his dad was.

" That's it!" he said, "The next person to walk into these woods is my daddy!"

Of course, that's when Borormir randomly walked in.

" BOROMIR?!" yelled Frodo in dis-belief.

" What?" asked Boromir.

Frodo screamed and ran away from him. Boromir watched him run into the woods, and caught something glint in the sunlight.

" Shiny? SHINY!" he screamed, chasing after Frodo.

" My shiny!" screamed Frodo, then caught himself, "Wait. Shiny? What the hell?"

Hearing a mad screech from Boromir, Frodo picked up the pace and barrelled out into the campsite. He swiftly hid behind a rock just as Boromir entered the site. Boromir looked around in confusion.

" Shiny?" he said. He glanced around the campsite, then soon gave up. He walked over to one of the boats and got in.

" This is frickin' boring." he said, "I'm gonna be Pochahontas!"

He then rowed the boat quickly towards the water-fall and attempted a graceful dive as the boat fell off the edge, just like Pochahontas did in the Disney movie. The only difference is that his failed because he forgot about the rocks at the bottom.

" Aieee!" screamed Boromir as he hit the rocks with a thud.

Frodo winced.

"Why am I constantly surrounded by idiots?" he sighed to himself.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were happily skipping along in the forest scattering bread-crumbs behind them and singing.

" We're going on a mission! A mission! A mission! We're going on a mission! What's it gonna be?" they sang.

Suddenly, Pippin stopped.

" What is it Pip?" asked Merry.

Pippin sniffed the air.

"CANDY!" he squealed.

The two hobbits bolted in the direction of the smell and came across a ginger-bread house. They immediately began munching away at the house and were finished in approximately 20 seconds.

Pippin burped.

" Yummy." they mumbled happily.

Then, the owner of the house came home.

" What the hell?!" said the witch.

Pippin gave a squeal of joy and finished her off too.

Suddenly, an army of orcs walked into the clearing. They stopped when they caught sight of Merry and Pippin.

" Are those hobbits?" asked one orc.

" I'm pretty sure." said another.

" Didn't uncle Sarumon say that a hobbit was carrying something of equal or lesser value and that he wanted all hobbits we found brought straight to him?" said yet another orc.

" Yes." said one who apparently was the leader, "He also said not to call him 'uncle Sarumon'"

" Awww. But I like calling him uncle Sarumon." whined the orc.

" Shut up." said the chief, "Or else you'll become our afternoon snack."

The orc pouted and crossed his arms.

" We're not hobbits!" said Merry in a high, squeaky voice, "We're little Gondorian schoolgirls!"

" Oh. Very sorry mademoiselles." said the orc.

The chief knocked the orc atop the head.

" Idiot." he said. Then he turned to Merry and Pippin.

" Get them up." he ordered, "We're bringing these two to Sarumon."

The two unfortunate orcs who had to carry Merry and Pippin struggled to pick them up. Finally, they were able to get them onto their backs.

" Yey! Piggy-backs!" squealed the two hobbits before Pippin vomited over his orc's shoulder.

Sam, who had watched the whole thing, panicked and ran back to the campsite.

" Aragorn! Aragorn!" yelled Sam.

Aragorn groaned, "What?!"

" Orcs have taken Merry and Pippin!" said Sam.

" Yes!" cheered Frodo.

" We have to go save them!" said Aragorn, jumping up with his sword drawn. "I haven't killed anything in the last three weeks!"

" NOOO!" said Frodo. He then grabbed a bag of provisions and climbed into and boat.

" See you losers, I'm gonna go destroy the ring." he said.

" Mr. Frodo! Wait for me!" cried Sam, clambering into the boat just as it set off.

Then, Legolas and Gimli appeared back in the campsite.

" So," said Gimli, "What did I miss?"

" Boromir frickn' fell off a water-fall and Merry and Pippin got frickin' kid-napped!" yelled Aragorn.

" Oh no!" cried Legolas, "We have to go save Boromir!"

" Uhhh, Legolas?" said Gimli, "There's no way Boromir would have survived that fall."

" Oh." said Legolas.

" C'mon bros!" said Aragorn, "Let's go kill some orcs!"

" Yeah!"cheered Legolas and Gimli.

" Wait. What orcs?"

Yey! Onto The Two Towers! I have many funny chapters thought up for this one! Sorry I was so late in up-dating, I had gone on vacation and had some projects to finish. To make sure that my future chapters will have even better humour quality, I might up-date every weekend now instead of every two days to get material so that I'm not rushing it.