Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings

What Time Is It Mr. Orc?

"Merry."

Merry groaned. "Five more minutes."

"Merry."

" Fine, three more minutes."

"MERRY!"

" Argh! What?!" said Merry in annoyance, opening his eyes.

" We're going to Epcot, Merry." said Pippin happily.

" Yeah, I know...wait, Epcot?"

Pippin grinned. "Yep! We're going to Mickey's Christmas Party!"

" Uhhh, Pippin? We're actually going to Isengard, not Epcot. And for the record, Mickey's Christmas Party is in Fantasy Land." said Merry.

" Awww. But I wanted to see Mulan."

Merry rolled his eyes.

Pippin leaned over to whisper in the ear of the orc who was carrying him. Or, at least, Pippin's form of a whisper.

" WHERE ARE WE?!" yelled Pippin.

The orc winced and grunted in annoyance. "We're in Rohan."

Pippin tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Rohan, eh? Hmm, I feel heavier. Gravity must be stronger here."

" Or it could be because you ate half of a gigantic ginger-bread house earlier today."

Pippin burped. "Oh yeah."

Merry grimaced as he remembered eating the ginger-bread house, and promptly vomited over his orc's shoulder. He looked up and grinned. "Much better."

" ARGH! YOU TWO ARE THE MOST ANNOYING CREATURES IN ALL OF MIDDLE-EARTH!" screamed Merry and Pippin's orcs.

The two hobbits looked at each other in shock.

" Ooh! Ooh! This reminds me of a song I wrote! Just because you feel upset, does not mean you have to yell." sang Pippin.

The two orcs groaned.

" Hey chief! Can we eat them?" asked the orcs.

" Yeah!" agreed another from the crowd, "We've had nothing to eat other than maggoty bread for three days!"

" Wow." said Merry while taking a large bite out of a chicken leg, "Where have you been?"

" No!" bellowed the leader, "We must bring them to Sarumon unspoiled."

" Well, if you're worried about them getting spoiled, we could always eat some of them and then package the rest in a Ziploc bag for later." suggested one of the orcs.

" You idiots! We can't eat them or else Sarumon will banish us all to space camp for one thousand hours!" yelled the leader in frustration.

" Or worse!" piped up Pippin, "He could force you to read Twilight."

The orc army shuddered..

" It's settled then." said the general, "We'll eat their legs."

" What?!" yelled Merry and Pippin in unison.

The orcs gathered in a circle around the two hobbits, inching inwards menacingly. Merry gulped and Pippin peed himself.

Suddenly, an army of horse riders burst into the clearing.

" We are the Knights Who Say 'Nit' and we would like to play a game!"

The orcs looked at each other in confusion.

" Errr...what?" asked the general.

" We would like to jump rope, play with puzzles, and OTHER FRIEND ACTIVITIES!" yelled the leader of the 'Knights'.

The orcs blinked.

The leader of the Rohirrim looked down at them in disapointment.

" Okay then, let's play 'What Time Is It '." ordered Eomer.

" Okay...what time is it Mr. Wolf?" said the general of the orcs uncertainly.

" BREAKFAST TIME!" yelled the Rohirrim.

The orcs screeched as the Rohirrim charged at their ranks, and fled in different directions. In the confusion, Pippin and Merry got down in army -crawl position and slowly made their way towards the forest.

" Why are we crawling, again?" asked Merry.

" Well, I was thinking about using my Gypsy magic to summon a portal, but I was hungry for tacos." answered Pippin.

" Wait, you're a Gypsy?" said Merry, giving Pippin a strange look.

" Nope." answered Pippin.

" But you just said that you were." said Merry.

" No, I said that I was craving tacos."

Suddenly, Pippin pulled out a box of cereal and smiled as if he were shooting a commercial.

" Tacos. They're meat, vegetable, and cheese-flavoured O's in a tortilla bowl! They even make the milk taste like tacos!"

" Ew." said Merry.

Abruptly, Pippin looked up and gave a loud shriek.

" For goodness sake Pippin, I told you yesterday that Kirby was not following you." sighed Merry.

Then, Merry looked up to see a rearing horse about to squash both of them into jelly.

" Ahhh!" screamed Merry as he rolled away, dragging Pippin with him right before the horse's fore-legs came crashing to the ground.

" I almost died." said Pippin in a far-away voice.

" C'mon! We've got to get to the creepy-looking forest!" said Merry.

The two hobbits crawled across the grass while Pippin blared a spy theme song on his Ipod.

" We've got to be sneaky, Merry. Sneaky, sneaky, sneak..."

" Okay, okay! I get it." said Merry.

One of the Rohirrim successfully speared three orcs at once.

" Yes!" he cheered, "Orc shish-kabob!"

" I'm gonna make scrambled orcs!" said another.

Pippin and Merry successfully reached the forest, leaving the freaky buffet behind them. They got up and got a good look at their surroundings. The trees were creepy, the ground was creepy, even the puddles of water looked creepy. But in Pippin's world, everything looked pink and deep-fried in chocolate.

Pippin gazed thoughtfully around the forest. "When I'm older, I'm going to retire here." He skipped up to the tallest tree and began climbing it. "I'm going to build a magical tree-house on the very top of this tree and..."

Suddenly, a loud sneeze interrupted Pippin's rantings.

" Cool! Did that tree just sneeze?!" asked Merry in awe.

" Nope," said Pippin, "I'm pretty sure it was the tree."

" That's what I just said." said Merry.

The tree then opened its eyes and picked Pippin up off of it's shoulder. He held Pippin to his nose and blew before setting him back down on the ground.

" Ewwwwww!" exclaimed Merry, seeing Pippin dripping with tree sap.

Pippin sniffed himself carefully and licked his hand. "Tastes like Maple Syrup."

Merry fainted.

The tree bent down to examine the two hobbits. "Hmm, these do not look like tissues to me." he said slowly.

" We're hobbits!" said Pippin cheerfully.

" Hobbits? Never heard of hobbits. Looks more like puppy dogs to me."

The tree then scooped up Merry and Pippin and gave them a rib-crushing hug. " I've always wanted a puppy dog! I will hug you, and squeeze you, and call you George!" said the tree happily. He then skipped slowly over to a pond, scooped some of the grimy water into two doggy bowls (don't ask) and put a handful of rocks and dirt into food bowls.

" Um, sorry to disappoint you Mr. Tree..sir. But we aren't puppy dogs." said Merry.

The tree blinked as if it was going to cry. "You're not?"

" No. We're hobbits." said Merry.

The tree smiled, "Oh!". He then strolled over to a vegetable garden, pulled out a carrot and handed it to Merry.

" Um, what is this?" asked Merry.

" A carrot, duh!" said Pippin before stealing it and taking a huge bite out of it.

" Yes but why a carrot?" asked Merry.

" Because you are hobbits." said the tree gleefully.

" So?"

" Well, the word hobbit sounds like another word for a rabbit, and rabbits eat carrots." answered the tree.

" But we're not rabbits either!" said Merry.

The tree furrowed his brow in thought. "Hmm, those are the only creatures I know of."

" Well, we..."

" Need your help to kill Sarumon!" finished Pippin.

" Wait, what?" asked Merry.

Pippin shrugged, "He owes me money."

Suddenly, a glowing figure appeared in front of the two hobbits.

" Who is that?!" asked Merry in fear.

" Oh! Oh! I like guessing games. Hmm...it's Galadriel!" screamed Pippin.

The bright light ceased and Gandalf appeared.

" Ohhhhhhh...it's Gandalf." sad Pippin.

Gandalf looked around.

" Crap! Teleported to the wrong spot again!"

He shook the object in his hand. "Stupid portal gun!"

" Yey! Gandalf, Gandalf!" cried Merry and Pippin as they ran towards Gandalf.

" No! Not you two!" screamed Gandalf.

" Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo!"