Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings

Frodo's #1 Fan

Frodo and Sam had been wandering about the mountain range for who knows how long, determined to destroy the One Ring without any setbacks. Unfortunately for them, this IS a book and setbacks occur whether they want them too or not.

Frodo looked up at the cloudy sky. "Hey Sam, do you know what time it is?"

Sam gazed down at his arm and drew out a crayon. "Darn! I have to draw a new watch."

Frodo walked around the next bend and sighed in frustration.

" We're walking in circles!"

" That may be the case for you." said Sam, "But I'm walking in squares."

" Sam! I told you to stop searching up 'Things To Do When You're Bored"! It's starting to put a downer on things."

" Well, it's not my fault my only hobbies are cooking and planting pretty flowers, and not nearly falling to my death on a mountain." said Sam.

" Actually, it kind-of...wait. Falling to death?"

Frodo looked in front of him just in time to prevent a fatal fall off a cliff.

" Eeeeeeek!" screamed Frodo as he jumped back away from the edge in terror.

" How to hell are we supposed to get down there?" asked Frodo.

" Easy." replied Sam. He jumped up and punched a floating brick and two Yoshis appeared.

" Good job, Sam. I think I have some dog treats around here or something." said Frodo sarcastically.

Suddenly, Sam's Yoshi stuck out his tongue and swallowed Frodo.

" Hey!" said Frodo.

Sam jumped on his Yoshi and bounced off the cliff. "Yahoo! It's a Mario time!"

Frodo groaned from inside the Yoshi.

When they landed on the ground after squashing a Gumba, the Yoshi spat out Frodo.

" Thank goodness!" said Frodo while the Yoshi shuddered and drank a whole bottle of mouthwash.

Sam, however, was patting his pockets frantically. "It's lost!" he wailed.

" What! What's lost?!" asked Frodo.

Sam ignored him and started running around looking for whatever it was. He checked behind a rock and sighed in relief.

" I found it." he said, holding up a tiny box of seasoning.

" Your saying that you freaked out about losing a tiny box of seasoning!" Frodo said incredulously.

" Hmmm, yes." said Sam cheerfully.

Frodo face-palmed himself.

Suddenly, something swooped past and snatched the tiny box out of Sam's hands.

" Hey!" yelled Sam.

The creature landed and flipped open the lid of the box.

" Hmm, what iss thisss preciousss?" the creature asked. It sniffed the contents and sneezed.

" Give that back!" said Sam as he ripped the box out of Gollum's hands. Gollum launched himself at Sam and Frodo wacked him aside with a baseball bat.

" No fairsssss!" wailed Gollum.

Frodo drew his sword and pressed it against Gollum's neck. "Not so tough are you now? Um, (searches Gollum's real name on Google) Smeagol?"

Gollum gasps and mutters, "Ssstupid internet. We curssse it, we curssse it. Mash it up and eat it for breakfassst. Oh yesss."

" Speaking of mashing, Happy Thanksgiving!" said Sam, displaying a Thanksgiving feast set up on the ground.

" Errr, Sam? Thanksgiving was last month." said Frodo while Gollum took this distraction to lick the sword pointed at his throat.

" Not if you're American!" said Sam happily.

" But Sam, we are neither Canadian nor American." argued Frodo.

" Sooo, we get to have TWO Thanksgivings!" said Sam.

Frodo rolled his eyes, but released Gollum and the three of them sat down around the feast.

" So, what do we have to eat?" asked Frodo.

" Well, we have raw potatoes, boiled potatoes, french fries, mashed potatoes, whipped potatoes, stewed potatoes, potato soup, potato ice-cream, potato pie,..." said Sam.

" What are potatoesss preciousss?" asked Gollum. He sniffed a french fry and took a tiny nibble out of it.

" Blah!" spat Gollum, " It'sss dry! Our throat isss drying up! Nassty potatoesss! We curssse them! We curssse them!"

Frodo laughed at the horrified look on Sam's face.

" Did you really curse my precious potatoes?" asked Sam. He quicky scooped up the bowl of mashed potatoes and started shaking it. "Are you okay?" he asked the bowl in a panicked tone.

" Sam, he wasn't being literal." said Frodo.

Sam looked confused, "What does literal mean?"

" It means...nevermind. I'll just buy you a dictionary for Christmas."

" What is a dictionary?" asked Sam.

Frodo face-palmed.

" Well," said Frodo, "I guess we better get going."

Gollum quickly grabbed onto Frodo's leg. "Going where preciousss?"

" To Mordor." answered Frodo, "I thought you already knew that from the last time you ran into us."

" Why would the hobbitsss want to vacation in Mordor preciousss? LesssWindow hasss an ice-cream stand."

" Oh, we aren't going on vacation." said Sam, "We're going to destroy the One Ring!"

" Hmmm, the One Ring...do you mean the preciousss?" asked Gollum in shock.

" I guess so. Why?"

" Can we come with the hobbitsss preciousss?" asked Gollum.

" No." said Frodo.

Gollum did a Puss-In-Boots face.

" Sorry freak-show. That only works if you're a cute little cat and not some mutant hairless dog." said Frodo.

" Dogesss? We are no dogesss. We are hobbit! Hobbit!"

To try to prove his point, Gollum stood up and attempted to walk, which ended up with him falling flat on his face in a bowl of potato stew.

" Sorry dude, you're not coming with us." said Frodo. Him and Sam packed up the feast and began walking away.

" Wait!" yelled Gollum, "We knowsss the way to Mordor!"

The two hobbbits stopped and turned around.

" Really?" asked Frodo.

" No." said Gollum.

Frodo turned away.

" But, we're your #1 fan!" said Gollum.

" You are?" asked Frodo.

" Yesss! We even knitted a T-sssshirt that saysss 'Frodo Baginsss isss awesssome!"

" Hmmm, besides the fact that you spelled 'Baggins' with only one 'G', it seems legit." said Frodo.

" But Mr. Frodo! I thought I was your #1 fan!" asked a pouting Sam.

" Sam, if you were my #1 fan, I would have jumped off a cliff long ago." said Frodo.

" Why?"

" Because as far as I know I'm the only person who talks to you." answered Frodo.

" Sssso, doesss thisss mean we get to come with you?" asked Smeagol.

" Yep!" said Frodo, "But we have to put a lease on you to make sure that you don't get lost."

" Awww s***." said Gollum.

" Hey! Watch the language or I'll have to boost the rating on this thing." said Frodo.

" We beeped it out!" said Gollum.

" Yeah, well, I'll keep an eye on you." said Frodo as he slipped the rope over Gollum's head and handed the other end to Sam.

" Come along now." said Frodo, "We have to get to Mordor about the same time as Aragorn leads his army to the Black Gate. But if we're too fast we'll have to take a detour."

Gollum stopped to sniff the ground and Sam yanked the rope, causing him to fall on the ground.

Sam smiled, "I think I'm going to enjoy this."