I Don't Want to be a Hero - Second Year

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Early Afternoon, Prince Lighthouse Island

28 Dec 1992

The flying and then walking on the beach had done much to repair relations between Severus and Remus. They would never be friends but they had come to a tolerance of each other for Harry's sake. Both had admitted that the past was to stay in the past, and neither would continue to judge the other on that past. It did not mean they would never falter for it would not be easy to soothe the emotions of what they had been as students.

After the hearty lunch they had all retired to the living room; Albus and Severus to the chessboard, and Remus and Harry together on the sofa as Remus shared the album he had put together of Lily, and James for Harry.

Harry stopped the flipping of pages and rested his hand beneath a photograph of the Marauders in their fifth year. They were laughing, jostling each other in the wizarding photograph. Harry noticed that chubby Peter Pettigrew who would one day betray Lily and James kept trying to push between James and Sirius; to make them notice him. On the other hand, Remus smiled but he was quiet and did not interfere between Sirius and James.

"Remus," began Harry delicately, "James and Sirius… and Peter… they were all bullies. I saw their detention records in the attics at Hogwarts. Sirius got in trouble the most but James managed to lose points everyday."

"I didn't, though," said Remus in shame. "Is that what you are trying to say, Harry?"

"Sort of…" he paused. "Did you ever try to stop them from hurting my dad?"

Remus shook his head. "I didn't dare, Harry. My first year I never thought to make any friends but it was your father, James, who always made it known to everyone that I was his friend. Sirius, you see, was all ready living with the Potters by then having been thrown out of his house by his mother. Sirius was jealous of anyone being friends with James, and there were a few times when Sirius would lash out at me with the same abandon he did with anyone else."

"Even my mother?" Harry inquired in disbelief.

"Even Lily. Especially so when she was still friends with your father, Severus," he smiled sadly. "I know now that James would never have let go of our friendship but I woke daily with the fear that someday it would all end. I never said anything, or did what I should have as a Prefect in our fifth year because I was so afraid of losing that friendship. I wanted so much to be a part of what they were."

"That's… that's…" stuttered Harry.

"Cowardly?" suggested Remus.

Harry frowned, and glared at the old photograph. "Yes… but…" he shook his head. "No. You were afraid but being afraid doesn't make you a coward, Remus. I mean, I know afraid," he snorted. "I wouldn't have survived until my eleventh birthday if I weren't afraid."

"Afraid of what, Harry?" asked Remus in concern, and puzzlement.

"The Dursleys. My Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and my cousin Dudley. They hated me. Aunt Petunia was always telling me to 'hurry up and die' or she was smacking me on the head or my shoulders. Uncle Vernon never hit me but he yelled and that in itself was just terrifying. And, Dudley," Harry shook his head, and his fists curled tightly in anger as the old memories flitted in his mind. "He was always playing 'pranks' on me, or he and his friends would chase me - 'Harry Chasing' they called it. If they caught me they would beat me up."

Remus was appalled, "I never knew this, Harry. Did anyone?" Harry quickly glanced at Albus, and Remus' eyes followed. "Are you sure Albus knew?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know for sure but he did some things that were mean - but not intentionally, I think - I guess he was sick then." Harry shook his head sharply, and Remus knew that Harry would not speak of his early homelife any further. "The thing is, Remus, like me you wanted friends, and to be accepted in something that was… wonderful because the truth of your life… wasn't." He lowered his voice. "You're a werewolf, and if anyone had known, well you wouldn't just lose a friendship you probably could have lost your life." Remus nodded in confirmation. Harry continued, "Everyone wanted me to be a hero, and to kill Voldy, a Dark Wizard that killed my parents, and wanted to kill me, too. Even his crazy girlfriend wanted to kill me."

Harry turned the page leaving the photograph of the Marauders behind, and looked upon the wedding photo of James and Lily. He touched their moving smiles, and laughter, and wished he could remember anything good of that one and only year he had lived with his parents. He looked up at Remus.

"Being afraid doesn't make you a coward. It makes you a survivor, Remus." Harry closed the photo album. He smiled briefly, "Thanks for this. Thanks for telling me about my parents."

"Of course, Harry." Remus was pleased to share what he could, and it felt redemptive to admit that he had allowed so much to happen because he had been afraid to lose what he had. He also realised that he had originally attacked Severus verbally right after the adoption not because he was thinking of Harry but he had been afraid to lose the only connection he had left to James.

Harry rose from the sofa, and tucked the photo album under his arm. He walked over to his father. "Dad?"

Severus turned away from the chess game to give his attention to his son. "Yes, Harry? Is everything all right?"

"It is," he nodded. "I'm just… tired. May I go and take a nap?"

"Of course you may," said Severus drawing his fingertips down Harry's cheek. "Make your farewells to your guests, and then you may retire."

"Okay." He turned to the old Headmaster. "Thanks for coming, Albus. I mean it."

"I have enjoyed myself immensely, Harry," replied Albus as his blue eyes twinkled his sincerity.

Harry then turned towards, Remus. "Thank you for coming, Remus. We can fly again soon, right?"

"Sure," smiled Remus. "Thank you for inviting us."

Harry leaned over, kissed his father's cheek, left the living room, and ascended the staircase to his bedroom. Once in his bedroom he listened to the indiscernible mumbling of the three adults. It was a pleasant, and comforting cadence much like the ocean's tide swelling to and fro.

Slipping out his formal shoes, and trousers, and taking care to hang his precious waistcoat with the forest green one in his wardrobe, he then clutched his watch in his hand, and shoved it under his pillow. Lastly he removed his shirt, and replaced it with a silk nightshirt; a cloth his father insisted was better than cotton to sleep in.

Climbing into bed he slipped under the covers, and decided that tonight he needed one of his stuffed dragons to sleep with. He was too old for such things but sometimes it felt nice to hold something other than his pillow. "Treacle!" The Black Ironwood dragon soared through the air at its Summoning, and Harry caught him. He brought the dragon close to his chest, and curled up around it.

"You aren't a coward if you're just afraid, Treacle," he whispered against the plush cloth of his dragon as if explaining his own life with the Dursleys. Pushing those memories from his mind, and drawing the afternoon over his mind like a metaphorical blanket he closed his eyes, and was soon asleep.

Four in the Afternoon

Albus had nodded off on his side of the chess set so Severus, so making sure the old man would be safe where he slept, he went to his chair by the fireplace. The flames burned but the warmth had been spelled away since the temperature in the cottage was as pleasant as it was outside.

"Nutrient Potion, Lu… er, Remus? Why the deception?" asked Severus quietly, a slight smirk teasing his lips.

"Albus argues with me about taking the Clarity Potion on a daily basis however if I call it something else - a Nutrient Potion - he is content to take that instead," explained Remus. "I'm certain he knows what the potion really is but I think if he claims it is something else he doesn't feel that there is a problem."

"Is the Clarity Potion his only treatment? He appears to have done well today." Severus glanced toward Albus who was snoring gently.

Remus nodded, "At this time, yes."

"Is he under the care of the Mind Healer Beiwe Hu?"

"I made a petition to the Mind Healer but she is concerned with Sirius Black and Bellatrix LeStrange right now. They are 'more fascinating'," Remus grimaced in distaste.

"If I may suggest, Remus, draft another petition but mention that you are now employed by Hogwarts, and that you will have an apprenticeship with Master D'Nali," said Severus. "You are now a contributing member of the wizarding world, and that should give more weight to your petition."

"I'm not just a beastly werewolf any longer," Remus chuckled drily.

Severus lips thinned, as he intoned, "No, you are not." He straightened in his chair, and pointed a slim finger at the wizard, "Tell anyone what I am about to say, and I shall deny it, Lupin." Remus sat forward in his chair sensing that Severus had something of great import to say. "From the time you were bitten your parents protected you, and then that man over there did," he pointed swiftly at Albus. "Albus saw potential not just in you but others of your kind, and he had enough sense to give you the tools you would need to represent your brothers and sisters, and draw them out from under the Ministry edict of 'immediate destruction'."

Severus leaned back in his chair, a sense of smugness about him that Remus stiffened appreciably at. "I have now put my reputation on the line. You are to be the first werewolf Potions Master who shall devise his own cure." Leaning forward he glared darkly. "Do not let us down, Remus."

Remus' shook his head solemnly, "Never, Severus. You… and Albus, have my vow. I will not fail either of you."

"That said," came Albus' cheerful voice. "Perhaps we may go home, Remus? I'd rather have my bed than this chair." He patted the glowering Severus on the shoulder. "Not that the chair you conjured wasn't perfect, my boy, but you must admit a bed is much nicer."

Remus chuckled. "Thank you so much for inviting us, Severus. We really had a good time."

"Indeed," agreed Albus. He lifted Severus hand into both of his. "Do invite us again, my boy."

Severus nodded, and then the old man let go of his hand. Opening the door, he watched them until their portkey took them back to Hogwarts. Slowly the Potions Master closed his front door. "There must be something better for dementia than Clarity Potion."

With his ideas engaged towards either a cure, or a potion to specifically address the symptoms of dementia, Severus waved his hand to lower the lamps, and to stop the flames of the fire. He then went up the stairs to look in upon his son.

Dusk

In absolute silence Severus opened the door to Harry's bedroom, and looked into the just darkening bedroom. The curtains were open so he walked in, closed the curtains, and with his eyes now used to the dim light, he peered down at his son.

Harry's blankets had been kicked down to his ankles. He lay on his side in a foetal position curled around one of his stuffed dragons. His glasses were askew on his face, along with a small, relaxed smile in his sleep.

Severus leaned down to carefully remove the glasses, then Sent them over to the bedside table. He then brought the blankets back up over his son, and he tucked him in. Lastly, he leaned over, kissed Harry's cheek, and left the bedroom.

Casting an Alert Ward upon the door should his son awaken before dinner Severus then walked down to the end of the hallway. He tapped his wand upon what appeared to be just the wall; the wall slid aside and as he stepped over the threshold torches lit up a spiral staircase that led down into his potions lab.

Severus descended as calculations and formulae and ingredients danced in his head.

Behind him the wall panel shut silently.