Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings

Another Detour

After 3 days and 20 splitting migraines, Frodo had just about enough of Navi.

"Arghhh! Gollum, can we please get rid of that faerie?!" yelled Frodo.

"No!" hissed Gollum.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"But she hasn't been any use to us whatsoever!" argued Frodo.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"But Mr. Frodo! Navi's my nightlight!" said Sam.

"Yes, and her blinding light is like a beacon saying 'Hey Sauron! Guess where the Ring-Bearer is?'"

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"Will you shut up about muffins!" screamed Frodo.

Navi fluttered silently in mid-air.

Frodo blinked.

"Watch out." said Navi.

"Oh yeah right. Like I'm going to fall for that one..."

"Nazgul!" screamed Sam, bending protectively above his kitchen supplies.

Frodo looked up to see a large black shape swooping above the marshes.

"Oh crap." said Frodo.

Gollum looked up at the Nazgul, then turned back the pond where he was fishing from as if it were no big deal.

Frodo dived into the bushes to hide and watched as the Nazgul landed.

"Did somebody order a large pepperoni and fish pizza?" asked the Nazgul.

"We did!" said Gollum, looking hungrily at the pizza.

"That'll be $1.00 please."

Gollum looked around.

"We don't havessss any moneyssss. Wouldn't you rather have a delicioussss faerie?" said Gollum.

"Sure!" said the Nazgul eagerly.

"Yes!" whispered Frodo.

"Muffins!" said Navi.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Sam, who was still running around in circles.

"What's wrong with that guy?" asked the Nazgul.

"Lotsss of thingssss." replied Gollum.

"Well, I'll be off then." said the Nazgul, stuffing Navi into a jar and taking off.

Gollum flipped open the pizza box and started messily consuming its contents.

Sam stopped screaming and looked at the pizza.

"Can I have some?" he asked.

"NO! No pizza for the fat hobbit. It's ours! Ours! My precioussssss!" screamed Gollum.

"Okay then...Well, since the impending danger is gone, we can finally get back on track." said Frodo, crawling out from his hiding place.

"Awww, do we really have to get back to the story line? I liked goofing off." whined Sam.

"Yes. Now come on."

The majority of the journey to the Black Gate passed in silence, due to the fact that Frodo suggested they play Ghost Town. However, Sam thought it was a brilliant idea to play with blindfolds on, which slowed them down a bit.

"Okay guys, we're here." announced Frodo.

"Ha! Frodo lost!" said Sam who, realizing his mistake, quickly slapped his hands over his mouth.

"Smeagol winssss!" said Smeagol triumphantly.

"Shut up!" he hissed to himself.

Frodo and Sam stared at him blankly.

"Hehe." Gollum laughed nervously.

Frodo and Sam turned their attention back to...the gate?

"It's just a wooden garden fence!" exclaimed Frodo, "Why, it barely even reaches my shoulder!"

Gollum tapped his shoulder and pointed to the horizon.

"Mr. Frodo look! There's the real Black Gate." said Sam.

Frodo whacked his own face down on the fence.

"Oh s***." he groaned.

"Sssssshhh! Masster, keep thisss K+." said Gollum, happy to catch Frodo making the same mistake that he made.

"Shut up." said Frodo.

"You know what this calls for?" said Sam.

"Oh god what?!" asked Frodo.

"Nyan cat time!"

A few seconds of 'Nyan Cat' music later...

"Wow. We got here quickly." said Sam, gazing at the Black Gate.

"Oh death take my hearing first!" cried Frodo dramatically.

"Hey! That's what everyone says at a Justin Bieber concert." said Sam.

A loud horn was blown and the Gate opened, allowing some ninja-looking guys to enter Mordor.

"Hey! It's Boromir!" yelled Sam, referring to the Horn of Gondor.

The entering army stopped and turned to the direction of Sam's voice.

Frodo yanked him behind a boulder.

"Sam! You pretty much just blew our cover! And by the way, Boromir's dead." hissed Frodo.

"What?! Boromir's dead?!" said Sam sadly.

Frodo face-palmed.

"They're coming!" whispered Gollum, "Hide the preciousss!".

Frodo flung his elven cloak over Sam, Gollum, and himself as two of the ninja-guys came to investigate.

"Camo, camo, camouflage. Painting camo, camo, camouflage." sang Sam quietly.

"Sam shut up!" hissed Frodo.

The two guards stood in front of what now resembled a large boulder.

"I thought I heard voices." said Guard #1.

"I told you it was nothing!" replied Guard #2, "You're just paranoid."

"Hello!" yelled Sam.

The guards stared at the 'rock' in shock.

"Did that rock just talk?" asked Guard #1.

"I believe so." said Guard #2.

"Why are our names Guard #1 and Guard #2?"

"I believe that was just laziness."

"You guys are funny! Say more words!" said Sam.

The guards knelt in front of the 'rock'.

"Oh great talking rock, you are obviously very powerful to have the ability of human speech. Accept these offerings of food." said Guard #1.

Guard #2 smacked him on the head.

"You idiot! Rocks don't eat food!." he said.

"Hey! Are you two coming or what!" yelled an orc from the top of the Gate.

"Sorry! Bye talking rock!" the guards said as they...skipped away.

Frodo sighed. "How come everyone in this world are total idiots?"

"But not me, right?" asked Sam through a mouthful of food.

"Oh no, not you Sam. You are absolutely brilliant." said Frodo.

Sam beamed.

"That was sarcasm." said Frodo.

"What's sarcasm?" asked Sam.

Frodo sighed.

"The Gate is closing!" said Gollum.

Frodo and Sam readied themselves.

"On the count of three." said Frodo.

"One..."

"Screw that I'm running." said Sam, dashing towards the Black Gate.

"Nooo!" cried Gollum, dragging both hobbits back behind a rock.

"What the hell Gollum?! If you didn't want us to go through now, then why did you point it out to us?" asked Frodo.

"That was one of my multiple personalities talking." Smeagol replied.

"Well, how else are we going to get into Mordor?!" asked Frodo.

"We could try to call one of Gandalf's flying eagles." suggested Sam.

"Don't be silly Sam, that would never work." said Frodo.

"There issss another way, a dark way, a ssssecret way." said Gollum.

"Great! Just as long as it doesn't end up leading us to a giant man-eating spider or anything, we should be good to go!" said Frodo, patting Gollum on the back.

"Wait, but why are we just hearing about this now?" asked Sam.

"Massster asssked for the quickessst way into Mordor, and the path to the Black Gate wassss one week shorter dissstance on Google Mapssss." replied Gollum.

"Well, lead the way Gollum!" said Frodo, "The quicker we get this done, the quicker I'll be able to get home and not have to deal with anymore idiots. Well, at least not as many."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln." said Sam.

"Unfortunately, I still have a long way to go." said Frodo, glaring at Sam.

"What does 'unfortunately' mean?" asked Sam.

And Frodo face-palmed.