Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.

Cliffs and Carnage

It was a normal day in Edoras...wait. When is anything ever normal in a parody?

Well, Aragorn and Gimli were the only ones awake in the Golden Hall since it was 4:00 in the morning. They had managed to pull an all nighter and looked as if they were going to doze off in their cereal bowls. Legolas didn't stay up, do to the fact that he wanted his 'beauty sleep'.

Suddenly, the door to the hall was slammed open.

"THE HAPPY COW! THE HAPPY COW IS COMING TO GET ME!" screamed Legolas.

"The what?" asked Gimli.

"THE HAPPY COW!" Legolas wailed.

"What's so scary about a cow?" laughed Aragorn.

"What's NOT scary about a cow? For one thing, they have absolutely no sense of fashion when it comes to choosing colours for their wardrobe. Black and white, what were they thinking?! They would look much better in a shade of magenta." said Legolas.

"But what's so scary about this particular cow?" asked Aragorn.

Inside Legolas' Mind

"Playyyyyyyy with meeeeeeeee."

Outside Legolas' Mind

"No! I won't play with you!" yelled Legolas.

"Errr, Legolas? What the hell?!" said Aragorn nervously.

"Didn't you hear that?" asked Legolas.

"Legolas, I think we better get you to a therapist." said Gimli.

"Yeah. You've obviously lost your mind." said Aragorn.

Legolas gave a maniacal laugh.

"My name is rap master Z. Z as in...cantaloupe. Purple, meaty cantaloupe, with its chocolaty flavour. Isn't squash just fantastic?"

"Yep, he's insane." said Gimli.

Aragorn chucked a large rock at Legolas' head.

"There! That should take care of it!" said Aragorn proudly.

"Knocking him out with a rock? That'll likely damage his brain even more!" yelled Gimli.

"Silly Gimli. Chucking rocks at peoples' heads is the answer to everything!" said Aragorn.

At this moment, King Theoden entered the hall.

"Greetings friends!" he said.

"We ain't your friends dumbass." retorted Aragorn. Gimli kicked him.

"I...I mean. Hello there, uh...friend." said Aragorn, trying to grin while wincing in pain.

Theoden smiled happily.

"We are going to be the bestest of friends! Want to play Battleship?"

Aragorn was saved from having to play a boardgame with a psycho king by Legolas finally becoming conscious.

"What happened?" groaned Legolas. He spotted Theoden.

"Ahhhhhhh! Man with scary beard!" he wailed, cowering behind a table.

"Legolas, that joke has gotten old." said Gimli.

Legolas frowned. "Crap."

King Theoden stared at Legolas.

"Want to play Barbies?" he asked.

"You're my best friend ever!" yelled Legolas in pure happiness.

"Nah, I'm kidding. Barbies are for sissys." said Theoden.

"I...hate...you." fumed Legolas.

Suddenly, Gandalf apparated into the room.

"Ah! What was that!" screamed Aragorn.

"What was what?" asked Gandalf in confusion.

"That!"

"What?"

"You...you teleported into the room!" yelled Aragorn.

Gandalf patted him on the head.

"It's okay, Aragorn. Insanity comes and goes. Unless you're Pippin of course."

Aragorn slouched in his seat, a confused look on his face.

"Anyway, there is still the matter of the orcs' attacks on Rohan." stated Gandalf.

"Well, I suppose we could defend the city and attack the orcs head on..." said Theoden, suddenly switching into wise, king mode.

"Cool. So, am I finally going to be able to kill things?" asked Aragorn excitedly.

"Hell no! We're not going to attack, that's a stupid idea. We're getting the heck out of here!" replied Theoden.

"What?! How am I supposed to satisfy my thirst for death if I'm running away?!"

"I don't know! Maybe you could, kill a squirrel or something!"

Aragorn pouted.

Three Days Later

"...And that is why I only like wearing one sock." finished Gimli.

"Well, that was the most boring thing I've ever heard." said Legolas. He kicked Aragorn, who had dozed off on his horse during Gimli's story.

He woke up with a start.

"What? What do I need to kill?!" yelled Aragorn.

Legolas kicked him again.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"Sorry, I have issues." said Legolas, grinning smugly.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "You're stupid."

Eowyn ran up to Aragorn's horse.

"Big brother! I made you soup!" she hollered.

"Big brother?" asked Gimli.

Aragorn threw his hands in the air. "All I did was stay up and wait for Santa Claus with her and she seems to have adopted me as her big brother!"

Legolas sniffed. "That's kind-of sweet."

Aragorn rolled his eyes again and took the soup from Eowyn. He ate a spoonful, and abruptly spit it out.

"Gah! What is IN this?" he yelled.

"Just some river water and old carrots and fish guts!" said Eowyn proudly.

Aragorn vomited onto the grass.

King Theoden was enjoying a nice game of portable checkers when one his guards asked him if they should check up ahead to see if the coast is clear.

"Sure, fine, whatever." said Theoden, too engulfed in his game to care.

The two guards rode about 10 metres ahead and got attacked by wargs. The end.

"Wargs!" yelled the guard playing checkers with Theoden.

"Puppy dogs!" exclaimed Legolas, clapping his hands together in excitement.

"Kill!" screamed Aragorn.

"You're all screwed. I'm gonna go find Eomer." said Gandalf, taking off.

The guard turned to Theoden.

"What should we do my liege? The women and children are helpless against such foes!"

"Screw you!" called Eowyn from the back.

"First, I shall finish my game. Second, my friend Aragorn will fall off a cliff..."

"Kill! Wait...what?!" said Aragorn.

"Thirdly, we do the obvious. Run around in circles and slash our swords and hope we don't get killed."

Eowyn pulled out her new sword.

"Finally, I can get some action time!" she cheered.

"...And Eowyn will lead the villagers the rest of the way to Helms Deep." finished Theoden.

Eowyn's face fell. "You suck."

The men (or, should I say, wimpy children) charged fearfully at their foes. Except for Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn of course.

"Competition time!" cheered Legolas and Gimli.

"Carnage!" screamed Aragorn. He stabbed several wargs and orcs before stopping before one particular orc.

"I use warg attack!" yelled the orc. A warg charged at Aragorn, but had bad coordination and missed entirely, falling off a cliff.

"I use Tom Bombadil attack!" yelled Aragorn.

The orc laughed.

"Honestly? Tom Bombadil attack is like the Magikarp of Middle Earth!"

"I love rhyming!" said Tom, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

"Argggghhhhh!" screamed the orc, who ran and jumped off a cliff.

"Take my hearing first oh sweet merciful death!" he yelled.

"High-five!" said Aragorn to Tom Bombadil.

"I sing this song, all day long!" sang Tom.

"Okay. Shut up."

Tom disappeared.

The battle was over, and many died thanks to Theoden's stupid orders.

"I won!" cried Theoden, talking about his checker game that he had been playing the entire time.

"Aw, no more things to kill." said Aragorn, disapointed.

"What? You didn't fall off a cliff?" asked Theoden, "You were supposed to! That's what happens in the movie!"

"Wait, he was supposed to do that?" asked Legolas.

"Yep."

"Aragorn! You may have completely altered the events in this quest because of this!" cried Legolas.

"Take a chill pill, Lego. If you want, you could go fall off the cliff." said Aragorn.

Legolas' hands flew to his hair.

"No! Then my precious hair will get ruined!"

"Whatever. I'm hungry. Let's hurry up and get to Helms Deep before I eat Legolas' hair." said Aragorn.

Legolas whimpered and Gimli gave Aragorn a high-five.