Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings.

Sir Faramir The Sissy

"Mr. Frodo! Are we there yet? I wanna go home and watch Toy Story!" whined Sam.

Frodo rolled his eyes.

"We likely won't be back for a while, Sam. Gollum still has to betray us and try to feed us to a giant spider."

Gollum grinned innocently up at the hobbits.

Sam plopped down on the ground and took out a bag of Doritos.

"I'm starving!" he said, finishing off the entire bag, "There's nothing to eat!"

"But you just ate an entire bag of chips!" said Frodo.

Sam looked at Frodo in surprise.

"Mr. Frodo! Doritos are not just chips! They are a feeling, a magical smell of cheese and spices. Doritos are what makes the world go round!" said Sam passionately.

"Yeah, and they also make people act like birds and smack into windows." said Frodo sarcastically.

"Gollum will findssss hobbitssss ssssome food, yessss precioussss we will!" volunteered Gollum, scampering off in search of food.

"While we wait, do you want some Skittles?" asked Sam, holding up a package.

Frodo sighed and took the package.

Gollum quickly returned with a picnic basket.

"Where did you find that?" asked Frodo.

Suddenly, a large brown bear wearing a green hat came lumbering after Gollum.

"Give me back my pic-a-nic basket!" he yelled.

Gollum smiled creepily.

"We'll give you back your picnic bassssket." he said.

The bear stopped. "Really?!"

Gollum quickly swung the basket at the bear's head, sending him flying all the way to Kentucky.

"When wessss are deadssss!" yelled Gollum.

Frodo stared at him.

"Remind me never to give you weapons." he said.

Gollum ignored him and began rummaging through the basket.

"Hmmm, nothing ediblessss, jusssst sssome ice cream, Coke, and pie." said Gollum.

"Did you say PIE?!" asked Sam. He ran over to the basket and began gulping down the pie as if he hadn't eaten in years, while Gollum settled on some Silly Bands that he had found at the bottom of the basket.

"Ugh, Gollum! Don't eat those!" groaned Frodo as Gollum began tearing at the rubber bands.

"Tassste like raw fishessss, yessss preciousssss." hissed Gollum happily.

Suddenly, the ground began to tremor.

"What the..." began Frodo.

"Elephants!" cheered Sam. "I didn't know this was a zoo! I wanna ride on an elephant!"

Frodo looked and saw that, indeed, there was herds of oliphants as well as...the evil ninja people!

"Sam!" hissed Frodo, "It's the evil ninja people!"

"Evil ninja people?!" gasped Sam.

He ran over to Frodo, who was hiding behind a tree.

"Don't make a sound, Mr. Frodo! Their vision is based on smell."

Frodo gave him a 'WTF?' look.

Then an arrow hit the tree next to them.

"Holy crap!" shouted Frodo.

A man who looked like Robin Hood appeared from behind a tree.

"FIRETRUCK! I missed again!" he yelled.

"It's okay sir," said some random soldier, "You just need more practice."

"B-but you KNOW I'm terrified of realtors!" cried Faramir.

"Errr, I didn't say anything about realtors." replied the soldier/ranger...guy.

"Never mind. Pass up the flaming meatballs!" ordered Faramir.

Some of the rangers carried a gigantic barrel of flaming meatballs up to Faramir. He whipped out a slingshot and shot the meatballs at the oliphants and evil ninja people.

"Mwahaha! Taste meatball biscuit!" screamed Faramir. Suddenly he stopped and started crying.

"Er, sir? What's wrong this time?" sighed the ranger.

"I-I got a paper cut!" wailed Faramir.

"What the hell? Is he bi-polar, or just a complete wuss?" whispered Frodo.

Faramir abruptly stopped crying and looked up.

"W-who said that?! S-show yourself or I'll set my pet camel on you!"

Sam ran over to Faramir, who screamed and quickly climbed a tree.

"Wow, you have a pet camel!" said Sam excitedly.

Faramir nodded, "His name is Zebra Zucchini and he has claws, can fly, and likes to eat paint!"

A random ranger rolled his eyes while another face-palmed.

"What issss paint, preciousss? Doesss it tasste good?" hissed Smeagol, crawling out of the bushes.

Faramir gave a shriek and pelted gummy bears at Gollum's head, which Sam ended up eating.

"Yummy! Next throw Skittles!" said Sam.

Faramir nodded.

"TASTE THE RAINBOW!" he yelled as he emptied package after package of Skittles on Sam's head.

Frodo stepped foreward.

"Sorry to interrupt, but could you introduce yourself?" asked Frodo.

Faramir jumped down from the tree, falling flat on his face. He stood back up and looked at the three travellers.

"Greetings, I am Faramir! I like shaving and the colour blue. But not Colgate. Colgate, is an imposter."

Frodo backed away slowly.

"Awww, so you're not Robin Hood?" asked Sam.

Faramir turned to his fellow rangers. "Can someone go to Ikea and get some more meatballs?!"

"Um, sir? You didn't say please." said a ranger.

"Oh no! I forgot my manners! Daddy's gonna kill me!" wailed Faramir.

"Er, sir? Your dad actually thinks you're a sissy BECAUSE you remember your manners." replied a ranger.

"Your dad thinks you're a sissy for a lot of reasons." said another.

"What?! B-but I watched a scary movie before!" said Faramir.

"Yeah, but you started crying at the opening scene." replied a ranger.

"It was hilarious! You cried so hard that you inhaled popcorn up your nose!" laughed another.

"Oh! Oh! Remember the time he went to Disney World and cried when Mickey Mouse gave him a hug?" asked another.

The rangers howled with laughter.

"Stop it! Stop making fun of me!" cried Faramir.

Gollum sneaked up behind Faramir and stole his wallet.

"Gollum!" hissed Frodo, "Put that back!"

Gollum ignored him and started rifling through Faramir's stuff.

"Ha ha! Look at hissss driverssss licensssse photo! Look at hisss emo haircut!" laughed Gollum.

Faramir heard Gollum's laughter and snatched back his wallet.

"Bad puppy dog!" he said.

Gollum stuck out his tongue and crawled over to Frodo.

Faramir opened his wallet.

"What the firetruck? Why is my wallet full of Silly Bands?!"

Gollum gave out a crackly laugh and chugged down a package of Justin Bieber Silly Bands.

"That's it! I'm releasing Fluffy on you!" shouted Faramir.

"Who's Fluffy?" asked Frodo.

"He's a fire-breathing winged panda!" replied Faramir.

"You're insane!" yelled Frodo.

"Oh yeah? Fluffy! Do you think I'm sane?"

...

"See. Fluffy thinks I'm fine."

"Suuurrrreeee." said Frodo.

"So...what brings you guys to where-ever-the-hell-this-is?" asked Faramir.

"Sorry sir," said Sam, "That's confidential Ministry business."

"Oh, okay. Is it alright if I kid-nap you?" asked Faramir.

"Sure thing buddy...wait, what?!" said Sam.

Three rangers quickly shoved the hobbits and Smeagol into gigantic cat carriers before they could run away.

"I'm sorry friends, but I have no choice but to kid-nap you. You see, all of my friends in the past have ended up ditching me because they think I'm crazy, so I have to keep all of my friends captive to prevent this from happening. They think I'm CRAZY?! I'll show them! Mwahahaha!" laughed Faramir maniacally.

"What the hell?" said Frodo.

"I also really like your doggy. Can I keep him?" asked Faramir.

"No." said Frodo.

"Okay! Thank you friend!" said Faramir, hugging the carrier that held Gollum captive.

"What the S**TSESSSS?" hissed Smeagol, pressing himself to the very back of his cage.

"Okay everybody! Move out! Oh, and can somebody please get me a band-aid for my paper cut? I want one with Dora on it!" said Faramir.