Sorry for the (major) delay...again. What? Schools are very bad at spacing out projects over the year, which means I'm getting more and more projects and tests thrown at me at the moment. So, blame my school, not me. Or you blame me for my bad time management. You choose.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

"Mr. Faramir! I'm hungry!" yelled Sam.

Faramir's head peeked around the corner.

"Again?!" he asked in disbelief.

Sam nodded vigorously, placing the remnants of his last meal on the top of a tall pile of plates, cutlery, and food scraps.

Faramir frowned. "I wasn't aware friends ate so much of your food." But he disappeared anyway to get Sam more food.

Frodo, who had been sitting in the corner petting the ring, spoke up.

"Hey Faramir!" he yelled, "Can I get more coffee? I have to make sure I stay awake long enough to finish polishing the One Ring for the hundredth time!"

Faramir appeared again immediately.

"The what?" he asked.

Frodo gasped and covered his mouth. "The, er, roast chicken."

Faramir furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh, okay!"

He beamed and skipped over to the hobbits. "Want to play a game? We could play checkers for money!"

Sam sniffed. "But, but I wanted to see the Easter Bunny!"

"Really? So do I!" yelled Faramir, clapping his hands like an excited five year old.

"Could we bring ol' Mister Whiskers?" asked Sam.

"And Bessy the cow too?" asked Faramir.

Frodo rolled his eyes. "How about we play 'Spot the Idiot'?"

Faramir clapped his hands again. "That's my favourite game!"

Frodo face-palmed.

"Hey Sam? Want to hear a joke?" asked Faramir.

"Sure." said Sam.

"Knock Knock!" said Faramir.

"Who's there?"

Faramir giggled. "Doctor."

"Doctor who?" asked Sam.

Faramir collapsed into giggles, pounding his fist against the ground as he laughed.

Sam furrowed his brow. "Doctor who?"

Faramir laughed even louder.

Sam slumped against the wall. "I don't get it."

One of the rangers appeared in the doorway.

"Faramir! Your dog bit me!" he squeaked, holding up his hand.

Faramir gasped.

"That's it! We could play 'doctor'!" he said.

"Oh. Was that the answer to your joke?" asked Sam, still hopelessly confused.

Faramir, ignoring Sam, ran over to a box in the corner of the room and got out a bunch of advanced medical supplies.

"I stole these from the Osgiliath Science Lab." he said to no one in particular.

Sam ran over to the ranger and inspected the bite.

"Dr. Faramir! The bite seems very severe! I think we need to cut off his hand!" yelled Sam.

The ranger yanked his hand out of Sam's grasp. "What?!"

"You're right Nurse Sam." said Faramir, pulling out an electric saw, "That might be the only way."

The ranger screamed and ran out of the room. Faramir and Sam collapsed into giggles.

Frodo rolled his eyes and looked to his left, spotting another box. Interested, he popped off the lid and pulled out its contents.

"What the..." he said.

Faramir turned around to look at him.

"What is it Frodo friend...oh my Tolkien!" Faramir screeched. He ran over an knocked the books right out of Frodo's hands.

"What? What's the matter?" asked Sam, peering over Faramir's shoulder. Faramir slapped a hand over Sam's eyes.

"Hey! Who turned out the lights?" asked Sam stupidly.

With his free hand, Faramir picked up the opposing books and chucked then into a near-by incinerator, that he had also stolen from the Osgiliath Science Lab.

"What...what were those books?" asked Frodo.

Faramir glared into the incinerator.

"They were the horrible Twilight Saga." he replied fiercely. "Dad would always force me to read them as a punishment.

He stared off into space.

"You know," he said, "That reminds me off a story..."

"Oh crap." groaned Frodo.

"FLASHBACK SEQUENCE!" yelled Faramir.

Flashback

Boromir is standing on a wall in the city of Osgiliath, a crowd of soldiers, including Faramir, below him. He raises a fist in the air, the other clenching a portal gun.

"You know, this victory over the forces of evil made me realize something. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons what the hell am I supposed to do with these?!"

The crowd cheered and clapped in agreement.

"Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Boromir lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" finished Boromir.

The crowd went wild. Boromir did a backwards flip off the 15 foot wall on his skateboard and ran over to Faramir.

"Great job big brother!" said Faramir with a grin, "I really liked the part about explosive food. Maybe I should invent explosive meatballs one day..."

Then, Denethor pushed through the crowd and came up to Boromir, carrying a basket of tomatoes. He gave his eldest son a hug, getting tomato juice all over Boromir's new armour.

"Shrimp!" Denethor shrieked in a gravelly voice, "Gimme shrimp!"

Boromir forced a grin. "Hey dad. How's the new job working out for you?"

Denethor sneezed into the sleeve of his ragged robe. "Horrible. I thought being a hobo was going to be a fun job, but all we ever do is sit around a campfire burning boxes and begging for money. Then, if we're hungry enough, we burn the youngest! Tastes mighty fine with pepper if I do say so."

Faramir, who had gotten bored, was now following a butterfly around the battlefield, occasionally tripping over dead orcs, before giving up and wandering back to his dad and brother.

"Anyway," said Denethor, "I lost a bet to this guy at work and I thought, how on Middle-Earth am I going to be able to pay him back, when I heard about this thing called the "One Ring". Apparently it's some ring that does some magic s**t, yadayadayada, but I thought, it just might do. So, I'm recruiting you, my favourite son, to join this 'Fellowship' and bring me back this ring. Got that?"

Faramir stood up straight and saluted Denethor.

"Got it daddy!" he said.

"I wasn't talking to you laddy!" Denethor grumbled, "Now go eat your Lucky Charms before I poison them!"

Faramir sighed. "Dobby is used to death threats sir. Dobby gets them ten times a day at home."

Denethor glared at him and Faramir skipped away.

"And don't forget to eat the cereal part as well! I don't want to come back to find that you're wasting perfectly good processed wheat for crunchy marshmallows!" Denethor yelled after him.

"Well," said Frodo, "I guess we know who you got your insanity from now."

Faramir, after finishing his story, was staring blankly at the wall.

"A lot of people like cake." he said randomly.

Gollum scampered around the corner.

"Did sssomeone sssssay cakesesss?" he asked.

Sorry for the lack of Gollum in this chapter. But don't worry, he gets the entire next Frodo-Sam-Gollum chapter.

Gollum: We betterssss.