Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings

The Sacred Pool Of Stupid

"NO GOLLUM! YOU DON'T BITE! NO BITING!" yelled Frodo, attempting to pry Gollum's jaw off of Faramir's head.

"Owie!" wailed Faramir, "I knew I should have bought that Charazard off that old man in the park! This must be my punishment! Oh Din, what did I ever do to your pet puma?!"

Frodo finally managed to yank Gollum off of Faramir's head, sending Gollum flying across the room.

"No fairsesss!" screeched Gollum, "I wantsss to eat ginger-mansss' flesh!"

Sam peeked out from his hiding place behind a stack of barrels.

"Does he taste good?" he enquired.

Frodo glared at Sam, who coward behind the barrels.

"Sam!" yelled Frodo.

"Sorry Mr. Frodo." said Sam, "I'm just so hungry!"

"How could you STILL be hungry?! You ate an entire roast chicken five minutes ago!"

"I also ate the two guards who were standing outside of this room." said Sam, "But I think they gave me gas."

Frodo face-palmed and sat down on a barrel.

"Why must I be surrounded by idiots?" moaned Frodo.

"Because the blue chicken decided to eat the strawberry cow!" replied Sam, proud of his smarticle particles.

"You peoplesss are boringssss." hissed Gollum, "I willsss go find ssssomethingsss elsssess to killssss."

"Ooh! Ooh! You can kill me!" volunteered Sam, "I've always wanted to be sauteed in mushrooms and served with a sprig of parsley!"

"Really Sam? Really?" said Frodo sarcastically.

"I've always wanted to contribute to society." replied Sam passionately.

"Er, Sam? Gollum is not society. He is a freakishly mutated hobbit with a serious violence issue. And I swear to whatever deity we worship in this messed-up world that he is plotting to frickin' MURDER US!" screamed Frodo.

Faramir, Sam, and Gollum stared at the enraged Frodo. Suddenly, they all burst into applause.

"Bravo! Bravo!" cheered Faramir passionately, tears streaming from his eyes.

"What a beautiful display of hatred towards the world!" sighed Sam, "You, sir, would make a wonderful teenager!"

"It remindsss ussss of the time wesss killed that innocent bunny rabbit!" hissed Gollum.

Sam stopped clapping and turned to Gollum, a horrified expression on his face.

"Y-you k-killed it?!" he squeaked, "B-but you told me that red stuff was just sleep juice!"

Gollum grinned evilly at Sam, who began obnoxiously crying.

"Oh crap Gollum. I think you broke him." said Frodo, poking Sam, who continued to cry.

"Don't worry. I got this." said Faramir. He rummaged around in his first-aid kit and pulled out a roasted chicken, holding it under Sam's nose.

"Swish Chalet! Always so good for so little!" sang Sam, obviously back to normal.

"Whew." said Frodo, "I thought for a second that I was going to have to pay for medical treatment again. I'm almost out of rupees."

Suddenly, Sam's head whipped around to face the doorway.

"BUTTERFLY!" squealed Sam, running after what was obviously a dragonfly.

"Heyssess! Come back to usss juicy mealsss! Wess are very hungrysss, aren't we precioussss?" yelled Gollum, scampering after Sam.

"No puppy dog! Come back! Don't leave me like my high school girlfriend did when I suggested we go to McDonalds for our first date. Oh but I got her back when I convinced her that there was a magical unicorn stuck in the toilet. Her hair has never been the same since." said Faramir.

"Wow," said Frodo, "She actually believed that? Were you two made for each other or what?"

Awkward silence.

"Leprechauns are serial killers." said Faramir.

Suddenly, they heard a loud splash from outside and a loud scream of 'Fishess!' from Gollum.

Faramir leapt to his feet.

"I feel a disturbance." he said, before running out the door.

Frodo rolled his eyes and followed the crazy ranger.

Outside, Frodo looked down to the bottom of the cliff and found Sam and Gollum safe and sound in a pool of water.

Wait...let me rephrase that.

Frodo found Gollum trying to eat Sam's foot in the pool at the bottom of the cliff because he apparently thought it was a fish.

"See Faramir." said Frodo, "They're fine. No disturbance."

But Faramir was staring at the water solemnly.

"They touched the sacred pool. They must be exterminated."

"Everyone looooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeessssssssssss Marine Land!" sang Sam from the pool as Gollum finally caught his foot.

"Gollum!" yelled Frodo, "Fish don't have hair on them!"

"Yeah!" agreed Sam, "And you know what I told you about food etiquette! You salt your meat before eating!"

Then Sam caught sight of his foot.

"Weird." he said, "I don't remember that being there."

"Sam! You're not THAT fa...oh whatever." said Frodo.

Frodo face-palmed, then turned back to Faramir.

"Sorry Faramir, I didn't catch that. What were you saying?"

Faramir's eye began to twitch.

"Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate."

"Whoa, uh...Faramir? The hell is wrong with you?" asked Frodo. "Oh wait, never mind. Stupid question."

"The Daleks must reign supreme." snarled Faramir, pulling a bazooka out of thin air, "All trespassers in the sacred pool must be exterminated."

"What?! But it's just a stupid pool of water? What's so frickin' special about that?!" asked Frodo incredulously. "What? Did your cat die in it or something stupid like that?"

Faramir's head snapped up.

"Fluffy kitty?! Where?!" he screeched excitedly.

"Uh, Faramir? The hell is so sacred about that stupid pool of water? It isn't even clean!" asked Frodo.

"Exactly." replied Faramir.

"Wait, what do you mean...oh no. Oh please tell me it's not..." asked Frodo weakly.

"Yep, it's our sacred bathroom." said Faramir brightly.

"Sam! Gollum! Get out of the pool before you grow an extra leg or something. Or, in Gollum's case, become even more deformed than he already is!"

"Aw! But I don't wanna get out yet!" whined Sam, "We were just going to play Marco Polo!"

"No Sam! Get out now! That's an order!"

Sam folded his arms.

"But the air's too chilly." he whined.

"Sam, I'm going to count to three. When I get to three, you better be out of that pool or there are going to be major consequences. One, Two,..."

"Alright, fine!" grumbled Sam, stumbling out of the pool.

"Good little Sam." said Frodo, "Okay Gollum, your turn. Get out!"

Gollum stuck his tongue out at Frodo.

Faramir pulled out a walky-talky.

"The puppy is in the sacred pool! I need back up! Time to go all ninja on it!"

Immediately, ten more heavily armed rangers leapt out of the bushes and trained their weapons on Gollum.

"Oh crap." whispered Frodo, "Hey Gollum! There's, uh...a shark in the water that feeds on creepy deformed hobbits! Run!"

Instead, Gollum seemed to be even more fascinated with the pool.

"A sharksss? Yum! Ssssussshi for Ssssmeagol, oh yessss preciousssss."

"No! Smeagol, the shark is...Jaws! Yeah, the...the shark is Jaws! You won't be able to eat him!"

Gollum let out a scratchy laugh.

"Sssmeagolsss already atesss Jawssss. Oh yessss precioussss we didssss."

"Oh come on!" yelled Frodo in frustration. "Gollum! I'll give you a life-time supply of fish if you get out of the pool!"

At that, Gollum ran out of the pool faster than you could say 'Food'.

"Wheressss the fisssshessss?" hissed Gollum excitedly.

"Eeep!" squeaked Faramir, running behind Frodo. "The puppy is contaminated!"

"Yeah Gollum. Take a shower." said Frodo.

Gollum growled at Frodo and stalked off to gnaw on the leg of some random ranger.

"Tassstesss jussst like chicken it doessss." hissed Gollum happily amongst the screams of pain.

Suddenly, Faramir's walky-talky crackled to life.

"Faramir!" yelled a very grumpy sounding voice.

"Daddy!" squealed Faramir.

"Guess what Daddy! I finally learned how to tie my shoe! Bunny ears and all!"

"Yeah, yeah, how nice. Listen loser, stop messing around in that stupid hideout of yours and go defend that frickin' city Osgiliath that nobody lives in anymore. I need a good rundown place to host my bonfires with my homeless friends. We need SOMEWHERE to burn all of those stupid barbies of yours."

"Okay Daddy!" said Faramir happily, "I'll make you proud!

"Yeah whatever. Don't worry if you end up dying, 'cause I sure won't be worrying. I'll make sure the inscription on your tombstone will be completely stupid, just like your face."

"Alright Daddy! Love you too!" said Faramir with tears of joy in his eyes, hanging up the phone.

Frodo stared at Faramir in disbelief.

"Wow. I'm starting to think that Boromir was actually sane now."

"I wanna go to Ikea!" wailed Sam.