Oh my gosh I am so, so sorry! I haven't updated in forever! It's just that I've started High School recently and haven't had the chance to write at all lately due to me piles of homework, tests and projects I've been getting! I really hope this chapter makes it up to you. Please don't kill me.
By the way, this is the one year anniversary of this fan-fic! (cue streamers and confetti) Thank you all for sticking with this fan-fic for a year, despite my inconsistent update schedule. YAY! :):):) Have some birthday cake! It's CHEESECAKE! A thousand Pippin smiles!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.
Legolas Learns To Skateboard
"I throw my shield up in the air sometime, saying A-o this is a war-zone!" sang Aragorn through a giant megaphone.
The other soldiers grumbled and glared at Aragorn as they strapped on their armour, preparing to battle the Orcs at sundown.
"Hey!" yelled Aragorn through the megaphone, "Why all the long faces? Where's your swag?! King freaking Aragorn's in the club my hommies!"
"OMG I love you King freaking Aragorn!" squealed Arwen all fan-girlishly.
"Wait, Arwen?! How the hell did you get back here?!" asked Gimli.
Suddenly, Lord Elrond reappeared and dragged Arwen away by her ear.
"Arwen! No more frickin' running away now you hear? Now I'm going to have to pay the renovation team to deadlock your frickin' door! I can't wait 'til you go off to frickin' college"
With that, Lord Frickin' Elrond apparated away to Rivendell.
"Alright. Well...that was weird." said Aragorn. "But no matter! Hey! Everybody! Who's ready for an epic evening of pointless murder? I know I am!"
"Oh will you shut up already!" yelled one of the soldiers. "We're trying to choose our weapons here, and I can't think with all of your loud talking!"
Aragorn ignored the man and kept on talking.
"Hey! I've got an idea! How about we call Pippin and ask him if we could borrow his TARDIS for a bit? That way, when the war is over, we can just hop back into the time machine and kill even more Orcs!"
"Wait, Pippin owns a TARDIS?" asked Gimli. "Why didn't we use that thing weeks ago?!"
"Pippin's very protective over it, since he seems to think for some reason that it's his cousin twice removed on his mother's side." said Aragorn as if it was obvious, "Also, apparently he uses it to steal cheesecake from Sarumon."
Before Gimli could question further on the subject, Legolas walked out of the girls bathroom in the most ridiculous war get-up in the world. His armour was bright pink and covered in large amounts of glitter, and his arrows were all decorated with colourful smiley face stickers. He waved at Aragorn and Gimli.
"Hi guys! What do you think of my superawesomesparkly armour?" he asked, twirling for emphasis which ended up dumping pounds of glitter on Aragorn and Gimli.
"What..the..hell...Legolas?" said Gimli between coughs as the glitter tickled his throat. "That is the most girliest set of armour I've ever seen in my life!"
"I'm trying to stay in style Gimli." retorted Legolas, "Pink is very in right now."
"Too much pink!" screeched Aragorn dramatically, "I'm gonna die!"
Then he whipped out a pair of sunglasses on put them on all cool-like.
"But, I'm way too swagalicious to die." he said.
"Aragorn, I'm starting to think that Legolas isn't the only one creeping me out here." said Gimli nervously.
Suddenly, a horn sounded in the distance. Aragorn shrieked.
"Oh no! The Orcs are here already! But I was too busy getting everyone pumped up for the battle to get ready! Don't worry guys, I'll be back in a second!"
He dashed away and came back in full armour and the big hooded robe from Assassin's Creed.
"Seriously Aragorn?" said Legolas, "Sooo unfashionable."
"I'M GONNA SHOOT A MOFO IN THE THROAT WITH MY BOW!" screamed Aragorn.
"How can you even see out from under that hood?" asked Gimli, but his question was immediately answered when Aragorn smacked full on into a stone column while trying to walk in the direction the horn sounded from.
"Nevermind." said Gimli quickly.
The trio made their way to the front gate and stood in battle position.
"Alright ya Orcs! Come to your deaths you evil creatures!" bellowed Aragorn.
A tense silence followed, ended by a...knock at the door.
"Hellooooooo!" said an extremely girly voice from behind the gate, "We have arrived to help thee in thy battle!"
"Oh I'm sorry. But I don't remember enlisting the help of a bunch of school girls." said Gimli sarcastically.
With that remark, the gate was abruptly kicked down, leaving a fearsome looking elf standing in the doorway.
"How dare you!" he squeaked, "We are the great general Haldir from Lothlorien, come to help thee."
"Ooh, he's an angry elf." laughed Gimli.
Haldir ran on his extremely short legs and kicked Gimli halfway across the hall.
"We are not an angry elf!" he screamed. Haldir really needs anger management classes.
King Theoden then broke his way through the crowd that was growing around the tiny elf.
"Alright alright. Calm down you crazy elf." he said, "Where's the rest of your army?"
Haldir smiled creepily.
"Let's just say we had a few...disagreements." he said with an evil grin.
"Okay." said Theoden, seemingly oblivious to everything Haldir just said.
"Get out she-devil!" cried Aragorn, cowering away from Haldir.
"Uh, Aragorn? Haldir's not a girl..." said Gimli.
"Uh nuh uh, Gimli." said Aragorn, "Haldir is totes a girl. Can't you see this is all a trick! Sarumon obviously sent her into our midst in the hopes that we would all fight among ourselves for her affections! But I'm not falling for it!" he finished in a maniacal voice.
Gimli sighed.
"Aragorn. One would think that, after travelling around with Legolas for the past year or so, that you'd know not to make assumptions on an elf's gender based on their visual appearance. Or, you know, personality."
Haldir narrowed his eyes at Aragorn, but before he could kill Aragorn there was a yell from outside the door.
"HEY YOU!" came a loud, Orcish voice from outside of the fortress, "WHERE'S OUR CHOCOLATE MILK?"
"They're here!" cried Aragorn happily, completely forgetting about his previous assumptions about Haldir, "YAY!"
"There here?!" squeaked Legolas, "NOOOO! I didn't even get the chance to put on my makeup! Now I'm gonna die ugly! Waaahhh!"
"Suck it up Legolas! We've got Orcs to kill!" yelled Aragorn.
With that, the army of Helms Deep ran out of the hall to their battle stations, Aragorn skipping with glee.
"OH. HELLO THERE FRIENDS!" said one of the Orcs down on the ground. "WANT TO PLAY MONOPOLY WITH US?"
"Die you kinspifikulifijer!" screamed Aragorn, chucking his sword like a spear at the Orc and missing by several feet.
The Orc put his hand up to his ear.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" he asked.
"They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!" yelled Gimli sarcastically.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" asked the Orc again.
"You don't frighten us Orcish pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you!" called Haldir in a really bad French accent. "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY!" yelled an Orc. "OR WE'LL HAVE TO FIGHT YOU!"
"Crap!" yelled Aragorn. "I dropped my sword! Now how am I supposed to kill things?! Why does this happen to me?!" he wailed, sobbing and blowing his nose into his hood.
The army of Orcs gasped.
"HE SAID A BAD WORD!" gasped the cheif. "GET THE SOAP CANNON!"
A group of Orcs fired a gigantic cannon full of soap and water at Aragorn, just as Legolas walked out onto the ledge, a fresh set of makeup on.
"Ah." he said happily, "Now that's better."
But, unfortunately for him, the Orcs missed Aragorn completely, drenching Legolas with soapy water instead of him.
Legolas gave a girly shriek.
"My mascara's running!" he wailed. He tried to run back into the building, but slipped on the wet ground, stepping on a shield, and practically skateboarding down the steps.
"Go Legolas!" cheered Aragorn.
But Legolas ended up crashing into Haldir and skating right over the edge of the wall, falling down on a bunch of Orcs who were drinking cartons of chocolate milk, causing it to spill all over the ground.
"Blond girl made us spill chocolate milk." growled the Orcs. "This means WAR!"
With that, the Orcs charged towards the gate, while others shot volleys of arrows up at the army of Helms Deep. Aragorn, who had been crawling around on the soapy ground, finally found a discarded sword he could use (as well as a penny and a chunk of cake he could use for ammunition if he ever lost his sword again) and jumped right into the battle.
"Hey Legolas!" he yelled.
"What?! I'm kinda busy right now!" replied Legolas from the ground, as he and Haldir frantically ran away from a group of pursuing Orcs.
"I need you to bring out the cartons of explosive lemons!" said Aragorn. "I need some explosions happening!"
"Yeah!" called down Gimli, "I need this battle rated more than a measly PG-13!"
"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" yelled the Orcs. "WE WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!"
"Look, can you just get the lemons yourself? What if I break a nail?!" asked Legolas.
"I am the god of the purple pineapples!" screamed Aragorn. "You shall not disobey me!"
"Ugh, fine." sighed Legolas.
"Aragorn!" yelled Theoden, "We need coverage down by the gate! Orcs are trying to break down the door, and I don't have that area covered under insurance yet! I can't afford to have it break!"
"But, but I wanna kill Orcs, not bar a stupid gate!" wailed Aragorn.
"I know! How about you and Gimli go around the front of the gate and kill them off as they come up the ramp?!" suggested Theoden.
"Hell yes!" cried Aragorn, "Come along Gimli! And eat this microwavable burrito!"
A few minutes later...
"I don't know why you made me eat that thing." groaned Gimli, clutching his stomach. "It was freezing cold."
"Don't worry Gimli! King feakin' weasel Aragorn has a plan!" said Aragorn.
"Weasel?" questioned Gimli in confusion.
"Okay, I'm gonna throw you over there, and I need you to read this script. Kay?" said Aragorn, throwing a piece of paper at Gimli.
"The hell is this...Argh!" yelled Gimli, as Aragorn picked him up and chucked him over onto the ramp.
The Orcs who were in the middle of charging at the gate halted and stared in confusion at Gimli.
"Read the script Gimli!" whispered Aragorn, loudly.
"All right, all right." said Gimli, clearing his throat. "Ahem, 'Dear Orcs, I wrote this poem just for you, to tell you how much you smell like...' God dammit Aragorn! What the hell is this crap! How immature ARE you?!"
"Just keep reading!" hissed Aragorn, munching on another frozen burrito.
Gimli rolled his eyes and sighed. "'Though I'm likely only 3 foot 2, I always love to eat my shoe. And though you may be scared of teddy bears, the real thing you should fear is my ugly facial hair.' Thanks a lot Aragorn!"
But the Orcs were staring in horror at Gimli's beard.
"It IS scary." mumbled one Orc, backing away slowly.
"It looks like it's moving." sobbed another.
"Oh come on you pansies! Do you really believe this crappy poem!" yelled Gimli in exasperation.
At that, the Orcs ran away screaming, knocking their fellow companions off the ramp, doing anything to get away from Gimli's beard.
"It worked!" cheered Aragorn, "Would I be a great King or what?"
"FOOTBALL HUDDLE!" ordered an Orc general down in the battlefield. The entire legion of Orcs huddled around him, as he began talking.
"What do you think they're doing now?" asked Gimli.
"Who cares?" said Aragorn, slicing away at the fleeing Orcs. "I'm hungry. Let's get some take-out food. McDonalds maybe?"
Suddenly, a loud roar came from the group of Orcs, and one of the Orcs ran out of the huddle holding a bright blue flower-bomb from The Legend Of Zelda.
"Oh crap." said Gimli, watching as he chucked the bomb foot-ball style at the wall of the fortress.
With a loud 'BOOM', the entire wall exploded, knocking soldiers everywhere. Legolas walked out of the gate behind Aragorn and Gimli carrying crates of Cave Johnson's Best Explosive Lemons.
"Hi girls!" he said, then caught sight of the wall, or lack there of. "Oh (insert elvish swear-word here)! What the hell did I miss this time?!"
Then Legolas caught sight of Aragorn.
"And what the hell in the name of all things fashionable are you wearing on your head?!" he squeaked in fright.
"Why? What the hell did Aragorn do now?" asked Gimli.
It seems that in just a few seconds, Aragorn randomly summoned a bright red fez out of thin air and plopped it haphazardly on his greasy hair.
"It's a fez!" he said happily, "I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool."
Legolas shrieked and shot one of his sticker-covered arrows at Aragorn's fez, knocking it clean of his head and into a random hobo bonfire garbage can, covered in terrifying smiley face stickers.
"Fez murderer!" screeched Aragorn.
Denethor looked up at them from his bonfire.
"Are you kidding me?" he yelled, "Even I don't want a stupid fez fuelling my bonfire! That's it, I'm moving somewhere else!"
Suddenly, Eowyn came up and patted Aragorn's arm.
"Don't worry big brother." she said, "I think fezzes are cool."
"Eowyn!" Aragorn said, "I thought you were supposed to be in hiding with all the other citizens?!"
"I...kind-of am." she said, "I'm with Mr. Denethor! He's...really weird. Can I stay with you guys? I wanna kill things too!"
"Oh my god Aragorn." said Gimli, "If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that you two were literally brother and sister right there."
"Alright Eowyn." said Aragorn, "I can't let you fight with us because your uncle would probably sue me and stick me in jail for a couple centuries. And I'm WAY too swagalicious to be stuck in a prison for the rest of my life."
Eowyn pouted.
"Alright big brother." she sighed.
"Hey, who's got the most swag in the world?" asked Aragorn.
"I do!" said Eowyn happily.
"Oh...okay then." said Aragorn awkwardly, "Allons-y little piglet."
"Bye bye!" said Eowyn, running back into the fortress.
Legolas sniffled.
"That was...such an adorable moment." he sobbed.
"Fez murderer!" shrieked Aragorn, running off into the battlefield and away from Legolas, swinging his sword like a maniac.
Gimli sighed.
"There's not enough mental hospitals in the world." he said.
"OMG! I chipped a nail!" shrieked Legolas, who was obviously not listening to a word Gimli said.
"PEOPLE OF ROHAN!" yelled Aragorn from the middle of the field, "I AM YOUR GOD! LET US KILL THINGS IN THE NAME OF YOLO AND ALL THINGS OREO!"
"FOR YOLO AND OREOS!" cheered the soldiers.
Suddenly, a spray of rainbow coloured ponies erupted over the hills as a cheesy theme-song started to play, led by a familiar pissed off elder.
"ARAGORN YOU IDIOT!" bellowed Gandalf. "I'M GONE FOR A DAY AND YOU'VE ALREADY BROKEN THE TIME BARRIER AND BROUGHT EXPLOSIVE LEMONS INTO MIDDLE-EARTH?! DRACO'S FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"
"What was that Gandalf?" asked Aragorn, "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am!"
Before Gandalf could reply, all of the Orcs turned simultaneously and stared in awe at the colourful ponies and their angry riders charging towards them.
"Ooooooh. Pretty colours." they said before they met their untimely deaths.
"Noooo!" yelled Aragorn, "I'M supposed to be the hero! You're taking all of my kills!"
Eomer rode by and stuck his tongue out at Aragorn.
"Oh shut up you Thor wanna-be!" yelled Aragorn scathingly.
"Yes!" came a girly cry from the field, "Victory for Haldir the elf!"
Haldir was standing on a large pile of killed Orcs. Apparently all he did to kill them was hold out a carton of chocolate milk and chuck it at the Orcs' heads when they came close enough. Seriously, they are attracted to that stuff like moths to light bulbs.
Suddenly, he got struck by lightning and died. The End.
I'm kidding, but he really was struck by lightning.
"We are not dead yet!" yelled Haldir.
Yes he is.
"We are getting better!" he yelled.
Then he got struck by lightning again.
"Oh god dammit!" Haldir yelled.
Everyone stared awkwardly at Haldir's pile of ash.
"Pikachu!" scolded Gandalf, glaring at the Pokemon, "Stop breaking the fourth wall! This is the hundredth time already!"
Pikachu squeaked and ran away.
"Well," said Gimli, breaking the silence, "I guess we won."
"Root beer floats for everyone!" yelled Aragorn.
"Yay!" cheered the soldiers, and they all rushed into Helms Deep for a cheesecake party.
"Can I join too?" asked a random Orc who wasn't quite dead.
"No. Stay dead." said Gimli.
"Awww." said the Orc.
"Happy Birthday Fellowship Of Insanity!" said Legolas, earning a glare from Gandalf for breaking the fourth wall. He then noticed his hand.
"Ahhh! I broke another nail! Life is sooo unfair!" he wailed.
"Hooray for root beer floats!" said Aragorn drunkenly, dunking his face into his mug of foamy pop.