I have two new polls open on my Profile, one concerning what song I will parody for the end of Two Towers (which will be closed by tonight) and the other concerning which Fellowship of Insanity character personality you believe is most like yourself. I believe that, although I have quite a lot of Pippin tendencies, that I am actually more like Merry, as I am often random and crazy, but can be calm and serious at times, unlike Pippin who is on a sugar rush at all times. I also deeply adore penguins! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord Of The Rings (or Ikea).
Samwise The...Salesman
"Hooray friends!" cheered Faramir, "Today is our official best friends forever and ever sleepover!"
Frodo groaned, Sam cheered...and Gollum hacked up a hairball.
"Good! Now who's ready for ten hours of watching Barney?" asked Faramir.
"Oh hell noooooo!" wailed Frodo.
Ten hours and tons of snacks later
"I wanna bedtime story! Ooh! I know! How about puppy dog tell us a story?!" suggested Faramir.
"Errr, Faramir? I don't think you want Gollum to tell you a bedtime story. Although, I guess that depends on if you want to sleep ever again." said Frodo.
"I wanna story!" screamed Faramir.
"Nosessss precioussss. Wesssss willssss not tellsss a ssstory to sssstupid ginger mansssss." hissed Gollum.
"Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Pleeeeaaase!" begged Faramir.
"Only if youssss givessss Smeagolssss fishesssss. Yessss, fishessss, preciousssss!" hissed Gollum.
"Deal!" agreed Faramir quickly.
"Oh no! Sam cover your ears!" said Frodo quickly.
Sam nodded sleepily and shoved handfulls of popcorn into his ears.
"Once there wassss a Ssssmeagol and his Gollum-friend..." began Gollum.
"Oh joy, this story is about yourself." said Frodo sarcastically, "Tell me, who are you going to kill in it?"
"What's a Gollum-friend?" asked Sam in confusion.
"Itssss the creature thatsssss livessss in the watersssss." hissed Gollum excitedly, dragging Frodo over to the sacred pool to come see it.
Frodo face-palmed.
"Gollum," he said, "That's your reflection."
"Nosessss! 'Tissss an evilssss thingssss! Alwayssss talking about happinessss and Farmvillesssss!" screeched Gollum.
Frodo rolled his eyes and walked back into the cave.
Gollum-friend smirked and held up a petition sign that read 'Sssssave The Fishessss'.
Smeagol shrieked and scampered back inside.
"More story! More story!" demanded Faramir.
"Wellsssss, Smeagol wasss talking to hisssss Gollum-friend about hissss evil planssss, but Gollum-friend wasss Smeagol'sssss oppossssite and told him that he sssshouldn't plot to freaking murder little hobbitssssss he jusssst met."
"Wait...what?!" asked Frodo in alarm.
"Then Gollum-friend sssscolded poor Ssssmeagol about eatssssing thingsssss that aren't vegetablesssss and the wondersssss of Farmville. The evil Gollum-friend told him to save the treessss and to...loveseessss everyone! Blaghsesss!"
"So, what did Smeagol do?" asked Faramir, transfixed by the story.
Smeagol grinned evilly.
"He killssssessss the Gollum-friend and everybodyssssss diedssssss! The endssss!"
Faramir stared at Gollum in horror.
"Well, I told you so Faramir." said Frodo, "Let's go to sleep now. I expect we have a long trip ahead of us tomorrow, if you still plan to go to Osgiliath."
"Nighty Nightssessss ginger manssss!" hissed Gollum creepily.
Faramir wet himself, staying awake all night while Gollum huddled in his corner, hissing about eating Faramir's elbows...
The next day
For two hours, Frodo, Sam and Gollum had been following Faramir to the city of Osgiliath. However, Frodo quickly learned that travelling with Faramir might even be more annoying than travelling with Pippin.
"I have to pee!" whined Faramir for the hundredth time.
One of the rangers sighed.
"Sir, you wear diapers. You can go whenever you want!" he explained.
"But I'm hungry too! And my feet hurt! I wanna piggyback!" Faramir wailed.
Then he turned to Frodo expectantly.
"Gimme a piggyback!" he ordered.
"Sir, what do you say?" asked the ranger as if talking to a child.
"Pwease?" asked Faramir.
"No, no wa-" began Frodo.
However, Faramir jumped on Frodo's back.
"Yay! Mister Frodo's giving piggyback rides!" squealed Sam excitedly, following Faramir.
Unfortunately, Sam's added weight only ended up knocking both him, Frodo and Faramir over, rolling off a cliff.
"Yessss precioussss!" cheered Gollum, "Wessss eatssss fine dining nowssss! Deliciousssss scrambled hobbitsss and mushed ginger mansssss!"
"We're okay!" yelled Frodo from the bottom of the cliff.
"Damnsesssss!" hissed Gollum angrily before latching onto a random ranger's elbow and gnawing on it.
At the bottom of the cliff, Faramir jumped up and down excitedly.
"Look! It's Osgiliath!" he squealed happily, pointing to a giant rundown area covered with faded blue and yellow paint.
"Ooh! Is it Marine Land?!" asked Sam excitedly.
"Why is there furniture everywhere?" asked Frodo, staring at the structure.
"Maybe it's edible furniture!" suggested Sam, immediately biting into the arm of a chair.
"No! Don't eat me! Help me Pewds!" squealed the chair.
"Oh, very sorry mademoiselle." said Sam, patting the chair.
"Ooh! New friend!" cheered Faramir happily, shoving past Sam and hugging the chair.
"Yay! I love you chair! Here's my number! Wanna go out for texting and scones? Really?! Let's get married!" squealed Faramir happily.
"You have GOT to be kidding me." said Frodo, face-palming for good measure.
"Foodsess!" hissed Gollum, latching onto the chair and devouring it in seconds. Faramir stared in shock at the fragments of the chair.
"Exterminate. Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!" screamed Faramir in a robotic voice.
Gollum laughed wheezily and bit Faramir's elbow.
"Argh! Zombie puppy!" screamed Faramir.
Frodo sighed.
"Gollum? What is your obsession with eating people's elbows?" he asked, watching the scene.
"Help me!" yelled Faramir.
"Nope, don't feel like it." replied Frodo.
"Mister Frodo!" said Sam excitedly, tears in his eyes, "I know what this place is!"
"What?" sighed Frodo.
"It's an Ikea store!" squealed Sam happily.
"I want my rubber ducky!" wailed Faramir, who was unable to get Smeagol off his elbow.
Suddenly, Faramir's walkie-talkie crackled to life.
"Dammit my unfortunately-related-to-me boy! What on earth are you doing?! Make me a coffee!" yelled a particularly grumpy Denethor from the device.
"Daddy!" squealed Faramir.
"What are you doing you pathetic slug?! Well, whatever it is, I hope it's you dying! At least that would be productive!" yelled Denethor.
"OMG Daddy! That's the best idea ever! You're the nicest Daddy ever!" said Faramir happily, "And guess what? I got married!"
Denethor laughed his face off.
"Who would be stupid enough to marry YOU?! Was she blind?"
"She was a chair!" said Faramir happily, "But the zombie puppy ate her."
Denethor howled with laughter.
"Yay! I made Daddy laugh!" squealed Faramir, "My life is complete!"
"Damn, so it's not over?" asked Denethor in disappointment.
"So, what ARE you doing?" he asked.
"Getting killed by the zombie puppy." said Faramir casually.
"Well, save the zombie puppy for me and my hobo friends to eat for dinner tonight! And watch out for the Orcs and that dragon-thing! Oh, on second thought, don't watch out for it, go...give it a...hug or something. Or go play in its mouth. Apparently there's a giant roller coaster hidden inside it if you make sure you get yourself eaten by it! And apparently Dora's there too!"
"That's so amazing Daddy! I wanna go on that roller coaster!" said Faramir excitedly.
"Good riddance! That way your funeral won't cost me a dime!" said Denethor, "Bye bye loser."
"Okey dokey! Love you too Daddy!" said Faramir as his walkie-talkie self-destructed randomly.
"Hey guys! I came up with a new Ikea commercial based on Faramir and the chair!" said Sam.
"Kill me now." sighed Frodo.
Sam cleared his throat.
"A-hem. 'Come to Ikea and marry a chair!'" said Sam.
Everyone stared at him blankly.
"Oh, uh. What about...'Find that lovely new addition to the family, and...get a free potato?'"
Everyone stared at him blankly, and Gollum knocked Faramir over the head with a rock.
"I just wanted to write something beautiful!" wailed Sam, running off into the rubble.
Suddenly, a loud screech was heard, and a Nazgul on his 'dragon-thing' rose up out from behind a broken wall.
"Wow! I actually found you guys! Victory for Larry the Nazgul!" cheered the Nazgul.
"Ah! Stranger danger!" screamed a suddenly conscious Faramir.
"Oh, uh, no I'm nice! Super nice! Here, I've got candy!" said Larry.
"Nah, that only works on Merry and Pippin." said Frodo.
"Oh come on!" yelled the Nazgul, "Why didn't I go to Law School so that I'd know these things?!"
"Wow," said Frodo, "You are by far the lamest Nazgul I've ever met."
Larry nodded.
"Thank you kind sir." he said, "Now come a bit closer so I can kidnap you."
"Yeah, I don't think so." said Frodo. He turned to Gollum.
"Hey Gollum? You want fish? Then kill." he said.
Gollum went all Chuck Norris on the dragon-thing, if Chuck Norris would attack a dragon-thing by eating it in under five seconds.
"No! That was my dad's dragon-thing! He's so gonna kill me when I get home!" wailed Larry.
Sam tapped him on the shoulder.
"Would you like to buy a chair? It'll make the perfect girlfriend!" said Sam.
Larry stared at Sam blankly.
"What am I doing wrong?!" wailed Sam, running away again only to trip and fall on his face in the rubble.
"Wow, you guys are weird." said Larry, "I'm going home before that puppy tries to eat me too."
With that the Nazgul left.
"Well," said Frodo, "We better be off too. Come along Sam and Gollum, we're leaving."
"But I'm in love!" wailed Sam, pointing at a bright pink lounge chair.
"No Sam, you must stay forever alone." said Frodo, "Now come along."
"No! Don't go! You're my only friends!" wailed Faramir, latching onto Frodo's ankle.
"Can we eatssss him preciousssss? Jusssst a mouthful ofsssss ginger man?" asked Gollum hopefully.
Faramir shrieked and ran back to his ranger friends.
Frodo gave a sigh of relief and walked away from Osgiliath with Sam and Gollum. However, Sam had insisted on bringing the chair, so he slowed them down quite a bit.
Frodo rolled his eyes.
"Why am I even on this quest in the first place?! With all of these idiots no less?!" he asked.
"Well Mister Frodo, sometimes life give you lemons, and other times it gives you potatoes. The potatoes are preferable, and you eat them raw. Then the magical pony train will come for you with a box of hamsters and you end up marrying a chair. But it's important to always remember that there will always be a Pizza Hut underground for you to loose some weight, and by then you'll grow into a beautiful table. And I will finally become Sam the Salesman and live in a pretty plurplypink castle with rose bushes and chainsaws, and the seesaw will always be stolen by my left shoe, so I'll never have to kill another Cheeto. So, doesn't that make you feel just itchy behind your left ear?" said Sam.
Frodo stared at him in confusion.
"Wesss likessss killing Cheetossss tooosess! Yesssss precioussss we doessssss!" hissed Gollum.