A/N: My heartfelt thanks to SSHG316, Charmie77 and acireamos for beta'ing TLC. They are accomplished writers and very busy women in their own rights and I truly appreciate the time they take to edit and polish TLC until it shines. I am so grateful to have them.
If you are in the Twilight or Harry Potter fandom, please read SSHG316, or Shug's stories, as we affectionately call her. I am in awe of her talent and her writing style is beautiful and polished. Please read this fabulous Twilight one shot entitled "Mizpah" and vote: http:// www dot fanfiction dot net /s/5486823/1
I know I am probably behind a lot of other people who have already recommended these stories, but here are a few I've been reading and really enjoying: "Coming To Terms" by GinnyW_31, "The Colony" by shell29bell and "MensRea: A Guilty Mind" by forbidden-fruit81
These stories are all unique and I love them all for different reasons. Coming To Terms is a mature romance which shows how two people deal with a night of passion and the results of it. The character arcs in this story and the family dynamics are phenomenal (And I developed a little crush on this Edward!). The Colony reads like a Michael Crichton scientific thriller and the way the characters become family draws you in. And if you like Law And Order, you will love Means Rea. Read them. You'll see what I mean.
Please let these authors know that I sent you there in your reviews. Thanks!
Trust, Loyalty, Commitment
BE WITHOUT YOU
by Mary J. Blige
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cause a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real shit (yes)
See baby we've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cause I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -- Matthew 28:20b NIV
Chapter 13 - CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU, BABY
EPOV
After dropping Bella's car off at her apartment, they went out to dinner at Harry's Seafood Bar & Grille in Kleman Plaza downtown. It was a New Orleans style restaurant with an ambiance reminiscent of a Mardi Gras festival. The walls were festively decorated with the Art of New Orleans and the decor was accented with Mardi Gras beads. Jazz and Zydeco music wafted through the speakers of the sound system which further infused the mystique of New Orleans into the restaurant's atmosphere. The hostess seated them quickly in a booth close to a window overlooking the amphitheater. Harry's served many Bourbon Street favorites like red beans and rice, crawfish etouffee, jambalaya, and shrimp creole. However, after perusing the menu together, they decided to go with Harry's signature seafood dishes. They started with a southern delicacy; fried green tomatoes drizzled with chipotle aioli and feta cheese. Edward chose a pecan-crusted catfish topped with shrimp and Harry's famous voodoo sauce, while Bella chose mahi crabmeat almondine.
Edward had never felt so comfortable with a woman before. He felt like he was a teenager again and just discovering how wonderful it was to be attracted to a girl for the first time. The only difference was that conversation just seemed to flow easily and there was no adolescent shyness. Since the incident at Church of the Greater Son, he had talked to her on the phone every day, but nothing compared to seeing her in the flesh and talking to her face to face. He could not keep his eyes off her when he was anywhere near her. Even now as he sat across from her in the booth, watching her eat the last piece of fried green tomato, he was mesmerized by her beauty. He was like a bee to pollen, and her particular flavor was absolutely irresistible to him. He couldn't read whether he was having the same effect on her, because she was so calm and self-possessed when she was around him—unless they were kissing. He always felt like they both lost control when they were kissing. Not that he was complaining, but it seemed to make Bella just a little uneasy. He was remembering the feel of her lips moving in concert with his, when Bella spoke, snapping him out of his fantasy.
"All the morbid stuff aside, how has the week been for you and your Mom?" she asked, taking a sip of wine.
"Despite the fact that both of us are going to therapy, I'd say our week has been pretty good," he admitted freely. "Elizabeth Masen Cullen in therapy. Never thought I'd see the day."
"This is probably the most traumatic ordeal she's had to endure since the cancer, isn't it?" she asked. She took a bite of her Mahi, chewing thoughtfully as he answered her question.
"You don't understand," he explained, wiping his mouth with his napkin and laying it back in his lap. "When my mother was loyal to Church of the Greater Son, she would never have set foot in the office of a Psychologist."
"Really?" Bella was surprised. "Was that some taboo the church imposed on their members?"
"Just about everything was taboo at COGS," he said dryly. "Much like Mama Boucher in The Water Boy, my mother thought everything was of the 'devil.'" His mouth curved into a smirk.
Bella laughed. "Your mother was like the Kathy Bates character in The Water Boy?"
He swallowed and grinned sheepishly, "Pretty much."
"No wonder you have such a low opinion of the church," she said sympathetically.
"It wasn't always that way," he offered candidly. "Prior to COGS, we were members of the Episcopal church. I carried a banner during the processional for the Liturgy when I was a kid. Very early in my life I was surrounded by a family that had roots in the church from further back than I'd care to attempt to recall. My fraternal and maternal grandparents were veritable pillars of the faith. My Uncle Carlisle and Aunt Esme are, too. I thought my mom and dad were, until I was ten and they each chose to worship other gods." Frowning, he took a deep breath and continued. "My parents abandoned me to essentially raise myself. The God I was taught to believe in as a little boy was very close behind them, and He was decidedly absent when I was forced to go to the Church of the Greater Son. My life was just as miserable then as it was when I went back to live with my dad, and God definitely didn't show while I was there." Edward was certain he wasn't able to mask the pain he felt telling Bella of his sordid past. The only others who had heard this from him was his therapists and Paul.
Bella took his hand across the table, locking her eyes with his. She said softly, "Someday, if and when you're ready to hear it, I can recount for you ways He has been there for you, even when you thought He was absent, but you just couldn't see it. Our circumstances have a way of blinding us to divine intervention."
"Paul promised to have a conversation like that with me when we got out of the Corps," he said solemnly.
"Maybe I'm his proxy," she offered, smiling. "But I won't even attempt that conversation with you right now."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because the evidence is clear; you're not ready, yet," she said as she adjusted her napkin on her lap.
The waitress came by and refilled their glasses.
Edward hoped his blatant disdain for all things faith-related wouldn't give her too much pause about his worthiness to be in her life. It was so fucking ironic that one of the things he liked so much about her was her unwavering faith and how much her logic and dedication reminded him of Paul. She certainly read him very well. He was definitely not ready for that conversation after the week he'd had. Dr. Levy had done much to assuage his anxiety and stress about the immediate incident, but he had a distance to go before he could hear anything that resembled a treatise on the existence of God.
"You're right," he agreed. "It has taken eighteen years for me to become so jaded. It will either take a lot of time or a miracle to get me to a place where I can have that conversation."
"Time in itself can sometimes be a miracle," she said, smiling. "Everything that happened this week has been quite miraculous, if you ask me, and it was a few years in coming."
"I can't argue with that," he said, returning her smile. Then his smile faded and his expression turned serious again. "I really meant it when I said I wanted you to have a clear understanding of what you're getting into with me. I need to tell you everything about my past so there won't be any surprises later."
He wanted Bella to know what had happened to him, his family, and more importantly, why he was so leery of the church.
"Okay," she said. "I'm always ready to listen." She ate a forkful of Mahi, but her eyes didn't leave his face.
"My extended family, all the Masens and Cullens, were members of protestant mainstream churches and never strayed from that until my mother decided to leave the fold," he related with a calm that belied his inner anguish. "She was extremely unhappy in her marriage and began to move toward something different. Uncle Carlisle and Aunt Esme tried to reach out to my mother when they realized she was in trouble, but the lure of unconditional love and a place of importance were too strong, I guess."
"Did COGS target her or something?" she asked, dabbing her mouth with her napkin and placing it back in her lap.
"I didn't know the whole story until recently, but my mother was converted by Aro's brother, Caius, whom she met while sitting on the board of some charitable organization in Indianapolis. I remember my parents having many arguments and my dad flatly refusing to go to this new church she'd decided to join. He recognized the church as the cult that it was, and he wasn't having any part of it. The reality of the situation was, my dad chronically cheated on my mom, which drove her to COGS in the first place. Caius introduced my mother to Aro, and he convinced her that their fledgling church in the south needed her more than the northern branch. She decided to take him up on his offer since her marriage had ended." His throat felt dry, so he drank some water before continuing. Bella took that opening to ask another question.
"How did your parents work out who would get custody of you?"
"They got joint custody," he said with a shrug. "They agreed that my dad would have visiting rights, and I was supposed to live with him every summer so my school year wouldn't be interrupted. I visited him maybe six times from the time I was ten until I was thirteen, and never for a full summer. Every time I went to visit him, he was with another woman. Eventually I stopped going. I felt that witnessing his behavior was the ultimate betrayal of my mom, and I didn't want her to feel that I was siding with him in any way. Mom was pleased when I stopped going on the visits, because she had become even more deeply entrenched into COGS. Dad never pushed it to have me come back, and I never asked. Later, though, I had no other choice, and I had to go back."
Edward remembered with stark clarity how conflicted he had felt about the back and forth between his parents. He had gone from relatively happy well-adjusted ten-year old in a two-parent home to a depressed pre-teen who was handed from parent to parent without any regard for his well-being. On the one hand he'd lived most of the year grappling with the manipulation and control of the Church of the Greater Son, and then exposed for a time to the exorbitant excesses that was his father's chosen lifestyle. Then, as a teenager who was already dealing with the turmoil, angst, and ranging hormones of post-adolescence, he was thrust headlong into that same lifestyle.
"You never really talk about your dad. Are you still in contact with him?" Bella inquired.
"No." His answer was slightly curt and had an air of finality about it. Edward, however, saw the surprise on her face, and remembering his promise to tell her everything, he hastened to explain.
"My dad and I have been estranged since right before I joined the Marines, after that incident with his wife I told you about," he said bitterly.
"You haven't talked to him since you were eighteen?" Bella asked incredulously, her brown eyes wide with disbelief.
"No," he said, feeling no remorse.
"Oh," she said, looking unsure what to say to that. She took a sip of water.
Edward drank the remainder of his wine in one quick swallow. The last thing he wanted was his discomfort talking about his fucked up life to send her the wrong signals. He was quick to reassure her.
"Bella, I know that my issues with my parents are completely foreign to you. There is still a lot I haven't even begun to deal with yet. Dr. Levy is committed to getting me there, but it's going to take time."
"I know. And I really don't want you to feel pressured that you have to tell me anything that you aren't comfortable sharing right now," she protested. "The healing process is sometimes slower than we want it to be, but that's why it is a process. Time allows for more than just the surface to heal."
"You're a wise one for your age," he teased.
"I can't take the credit for those words. That is all Charlie Swan," she said.
"Your dad sounds nothing like the priests I knew in the Episcopal church, and definitely not like the pastors at COGS."
"My dad sees faith very practically." Bella smiled and pushed the bits of food left on her plate around. She was no longer hungry, it seemed, but looked deep in thought before she posed another question. "What was it like, being a member of the COGS?"
Damn! He hadn't thought about that in a long time, let alone told anyone about it, but he felt an overwhelming need to purge himself. Bella had that affect on him. His brow furrowed and he took a few seconds to gather his thoughts.
"It was ultra conservative, legalistic even. They only used one version of the Bible, King James, all others were banned. Of course, Aro reserved the right to supplement or change the language in there at his discretion. They believe you have to be baptized until it sticks. If you displayed any behavior unbecoming to the congregation, you got dunked...a lot. No dancing, no playing cards, definitely no drinking, and no music other than classical, hymns, or praise and worship music. I joined every sport and every club I could at school to avoid spending so much time at that church. There was something going on in that building every day and night. It was overkill. Dating was prohibited. You just waited for God to tell you or some other fortunate soul in the congregation who you are supposed to marry, and then you were supposed to do it without question. I was told early on that I was destined to marry Aro's daughter, Jane. She was a nice enough girl, but I liked this girl at my school, Cayley Nguyen."
"Wow, I see so many red flags flying high in that dogma, and I'm no theologian. So, your first girlfriend was Vietnamese?"
"Yeah, we dated about six months before my mom told Aro. He summoned me to his office, and I was told that even looking at another girl like that after having been promised to his daughter was tantamount to me being as unfaithful to my future wife as my father had been to my mother. He also told me in no uncertain terms that I was required to marry within my own race, or I would be unequally yoked and eternally damned."
"What faulty, ridiculous doctrine! I can't believe people can read the same Bible and come up with some of this stuff." Bella was appalled.
"Here's the kicker. My mother was actually obedient to the arranged marriage tenet. That's why she married Aro's brother, Marcus, and never dated the man a day in her life. Marcus thought that marrying my mother gave him the right to be a father to me, and when I rebelled, he gave me an ultimatum. I would either submit to his authority—meaning various ways and means of corporal punishment—or leave my mother's home. The first time he punished me, my mother cried for days, but Marcus and Aro convinced her that children required the harshest punishment when they were young so they could learn to be obedient as they entered their teen years. One summer night I went to a party with Emmett and some older friends here in Tallahassee. I got pretty drunk. When I got home, Marcus took advantage of my impairment and beat me mercilessly until my mom pulled him off me. I wanted to kill the bastard, and I knew, if I stayed in that house, I would try. I told him and my mother that I would never go to church again. So I was sent to live with dear old Dad until I finished high school."
"And there you lived the Zach Mayo lifestyle," she said quietly, her voice husky and eyes glassy as if she were about to cry. However, she was able to pull herself together despite the fact that she seemed deeply affected by all that he had just shared with her.
Edward was concerned that the heaviness of his past was putting a damper on their evening, so he tried to lighten the mood a bit and flashed her a brilliant smile.
"Um, yeah. Quite a saga for a family that began as pillars of the community, huh?" he asked ruefully.
"Yeah," she agreed readily, with a wan smile in return.
He took her hand in his across the table, searching her conflicted brown eyes. With all the courage he could muster, he said, "Bella, I would totally understand if all this sent you running in the other direction."
He had given her an option, but he was holding his breath that she wouldn't take him up on it. With this conversation he had effectively told her all of the things he had never been able to share with any other woman in his life. He felt so naked and exposed. He waited for her to tell him that he was too fucked up for her and that she would be choosing James, because he was already dealing effectively with his demons.
"Quite the contrary," she answered sincerely, reaching across the table to grasp his hand. "If anything, it makes me feel closer to you. I am honored that you would share such painful memories with me. Thank you for taking me into your confidence."
~888~
BPOV
They left the restaurant and stopped by Edward's apartment so he could pick up some more things to bring to his mother's later. On the drive over, Bella thought about all the things he'd told her about his life. All of his close relationships had been taken from him in some way. His family life had been shredded by a bitter divorce, a tyrannical step-father had denied him a close nurturing relationship with his mother, his first best friend had been left behind when he moved back to Indiana, his father had been a shallow womanizer who hadn't supported him in his greatest hour of need, and his best friend in the Corps had been killed by enemy fire. She might have been out of her depth experientially, but emotionally, she was determined to convince him that he had worth that far surpassed his troubled past.
Having never been to his place before, Bella was curious, so when he invited her to go upstairs with him to retrieve his stuff, she jumped at the opportunity. Bella sat in Edward's living room listening to Kenny Chesney, which was the CD currently in his stereo system, and because they wouldn't be there long, she was happy with that choice. He'd offered to change it to something else, but she insisted it was fine.
Edward was quite the minimalist and regimentally tidy, perhaps as a result of his stint as a marine, or maybe he was just wired that way. Bella was pleased at the way he kept his home. She admired guys who were tidy. The sofa and recliner were brown leather with a couple of matching leather and fabric pillows. On his coffee table were the books The Road by Cormac McCarthy and Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk. She loved these two writers. There were a couple of art deco lamps on the end tables, two pieces of abstract art on the walls, and a curio that had various trophies and awards he had received over the years. His ISU Diploma, honorable discharge certificate from the Marines, and certificates from his police officers' training school in Terre Haute and Tallahassee were on the wall opposite the curio. Bella walked over to the diploma and read his full name. Edward Anthony Cullen. She smiled.
They had talked about so many things the past couple of weeks, but it had never occurred to her to ask him if he had a middle name. She moved to get a closer look at some photos he had in the curio. One was a picture of himself at approximately the age of thirteen with another boy who could only be Emmett. They were dressed in soccer uniforms, grinning broadly with their arms thrown around one another's shoulders. There was a picture also of him and Alice at what might have been a recital. Alice was in a tutu and he was in a suit. He looked to be about nine years old, and Alice was maybe six.
There was a photo of himself and his parents, in what was probably the final photo they had taken together as a family. Edward looked very much like Edward, Sr., except his father had dark blond hair and blue eyes. Edward, of course, got his amazing hair color and eyes from his mother. Elizabeth Cullen had been and still was a beautiful woman. She assumed the final two pictures had to be of Paul. One was of him in his dress uniform. He had very strong Native American features and had been a very handsome, onyx-haired young man. The other photo was one of Edward and Paul together, relaxed and wearing only military green wifebeaters and camouflage pants, in what looked to be a bar. They were sitting on bar stools and touching their beer bottles together. Seeing Edward with a high and tight haircut was weird considering how wild, long, and unbelievably sexy his hair was now. She couldn't help but smile.
Edward came back into the room carrying a small camouflaged bag, and he had changed. He was now wearing a coral-colored linen short-sleeved shirt, with a couple of buttons loose at the top where a hint of dark bronze chest hair peeked out, and a pair of blue jean shorts that reached the top of his knees. Brown leather sandals completed his ensemble.
"So, Edward Anthony Cullen," she teased. "Did your family and friends call you Eddie or Tony when you were younger?"
"Nope," he quipped back, popping the "p" for emphasis.
He set the bag on the recliner and walked slowly over to where she was standing in front of the curio.
"Maybe I should call you Tony," she said, stifling a giggle.
When he was within touching distance, his hands went to her waist and he pulled her to him playfully.
"Do so at your own risk," he warned. She opened her eyes wide in mock terror, making an "o" with her lips.
"Or what?" she challenged.
"I'll just have to kiss you until you're breathless again," he said huskily.
She knew she was treading on dangerous ground, but she wanted to provoke him to kiss her.
"Ton—," she began, and just as she'd hoped, he covered her mouth with his before she could utter the nickname completely. He wound his arms around her and pulled her flush against his body, until there was no space between them. She was anxious to be as close to him as she could. When his tongue brushed against hers it was as if an electric shocked passed through them. She could feel both his desire and hers coursing through their veins in tandem, throbbing in unison. Bella felt herself beginning to fall, as if she were standing on the edge of a precipice. Edward made her feel like she had in gymnastics when she had lost her center of gravity at thirteen. She had been unable to do her routine on the uneven bars for months, until she had finally been able to adjust to the changes in her body and relocate her geometric center. They mutually explored each other's mouths with their tongues, as if searching together for that elusive balance.
She was grateful when he ended the kiss, but wouldn't let go of him for fear that she would sink limply to the floor like the quivering mass of desire that she was. The attraction she had for this man was more powerful than anything she had ever experienced before, and it was frightening on so many levels. Could she resist him? Was he inclined to honor her commitment to purity? Was this attraction going to consume them?
"Still want to call me Tony?" he smirked, his smoldering green eyes roaming over her face as if committing every facet of her features to memory.
She shook her head vigorously, afraid that her words would come out shaky and unintelligible. Once her legs felt capable of movement, she took a tentative step back. His hands on her arms steadied her until she moved out of his reach, and then he dropped them to his sides. Bella wrapped her own arms around herself, as if to contain the desire she knew he probably felt emanating from her.
"Do you have a middle name?" he asked, smiling. "I think it would only be fair for me to know yours, since you now know mine."
"Marie," she answered. She averted her eyes, believing that he could read what was there.
Edward chuckled softly, and she smiled and looked back up at him.
"What's so funny?" she demanded.
"You made fun of my middle name, and you have a Spanish/Italian first name and a French middle name," he said mischievously. "Looks like someone was confused."
Bella giggled and threatened, "I am so telling my parents you said that. They will be at the concert, you know."
"You wouldn't."
"Watch me."
He took a menacing step toward her, and she darted away from him, putting the sofa between them. They danced around the sofa, with him attempting to dart around to where she was, but she kept successfully evading him. She mistakenly believed she was safe from his reach. He feigned one direction, but then changed course and lunged at her, reaching across the back of the sofa and pulling her over and on top of him. Bella screeched and struggled to get away, but he held her firmly around the waist facing him as he lay on the sofa on his back. They giggled like idiots, even through the chaste kiss she laid on his gorgeous lips.
When their amusement subsided, Bella drew in a ragged breath, the air between them becoming thick with tension as she became acutely aware of his body pressing against hers. Edward's eyes darkened, and he threaded his fingers into her hair, lifting his head until his lips met hers in another smoldering kiss. His mouth moved against hers, drawing her deeper and deeper until the kiss became so electrically charged that she pulled away roughly. Trembling, she rolled off of him, hoping that her shaking legs would hold as she stood. She hoped that he wouldn't notice the ever present fear she felt as a result of their overwhelming chemistry shining in her eyes.
Edward was off the sofa in a shot and was standing behind her. He gently turned her around to face him.
Bella attempted a smile, but her lips involuntarily turned down into a frown.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he inquired immediately.
She moved to turn away again, but he brought his hand to her chin, nudging her face up to look at him. "Am I coming on too strong? I really don't mean to make you feel like I'm pushing you to do anything you're not comfortable with."
Bella smiled in spite of herself. She was tempted to quickly deny that there was anything bothering her, but he had been brutally honest with her. The least she could do was afford him the same courtesy.
She reached out and took both his hands in hers. "I think it's my turn to make sure we both have a clear understanding of what we're getting into... from my perspective."
His green eyes did not waver from hers. "Okay," he said anxiously. "Are you ready to have that talk now?"
"Yes. I think we should," she said soberly. "I just need to know what you would expect of me if we were to be together and James was out of the picture."
"Bella, I came into this with my eyes wide open. You told me about your commitment, and I respect that. I don't want to do anything that will make you regret being with me like this."
His words were comforting, and in them he had answered one of the burning questions she had about moving forward with him in a relationship. Despite his womanizing past and his struggles with commitment, she was surprised to find that she trusted that he would be true to his word. His willingness to honor her faith commitments was huge, and she appreciated how candid he was with her about it. But she wasn't so sure, based on the mad chemistry they had, if she could rein herself in. That was now the burning question. Who was she kidding? Definitely, not herself. Edward was her heart's choice. When had she come to this conclusion? Apparently, it had begun earlier in the week as the incident at COGS was unfolding and she had feared for his safety. She realized now that she never wanted to be without him. She wanted to tell him everything, but should she bare her soul to him, here and now?
After a steadying breath, she looked him in the eyes and said, "You have been with other women intimately, and my experience in that area is like a handful of hot makeout sessions. I am terrified that I will disappoint you in some way, or more likely disappoint myself. This chemistry between us is insane."
He moved closer still and pulled her gently into his arms. "Don't be afraid," he implored. "I promise not to push you, Bella." He broke the brief embrace and gently held her by her upper arms as he looked deep into her eyes. "I really don't want to mess things up with you. I respect you too much for that."
Bella could see the sincerity in his eyes. Somehow, what she had never dared believe was very true. He was willing to be with her on her terms. It was such a relief to hear for her, because this hurdle had been a big one for them to overcome. She knew it could not be easy for him, yet he would resist his basest urges and needs just to be with her.
"Are you sure? You know, you would be practically… celibate… for me?"
"Bella, I would give up life itself for you," he said, without hesitation, and Bella was undone by his words.
This time, she could not hold back the tears. Edward cupped her cheeks with his hands and wiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs. God, why do Ihave to be such a baby right now? It kind of pissed her off that she was being one of those girls. She buried her face in his chest because she didn't want him to see the mess that must be her face at that moment. He wrapped his arms around her, rocking her gently in his arms and caressing her hair. It was by far one of the sweetest and most tender gestures she had ever received from a man.
"Shh," he said softly. "I'm here, unless you decide you don't want me around anymore."
Bella clung to him as she willed herself not to cry anymore. She was mortified that she'd allowed him to see just how emotional she'd become over the sacrifice he was willing to make for her. She was happy, thrilled even, yet the mere weight of that revelation didn't bode well for James. He was great, but he didn't move her the way Edward did and their chemistry together was almost non-existent. She had finally admitted to herself that Edward was her heart's choice, and even if he hadn't been, it wasn't fair to string James along when she knew there was no spark between them.
Now her immediate dilemma became breaking the news to James that she'd chosen Edward. She got a knot in her stomach just thinking about telling him. Should she talk to him before or after she told Edward? As she looked up into the emerald green eyes that were regarding her with such adoration, she didn't want to wait another moment to tell him that she'd chosen to be with him. But she also felt like she owed it to James to break things off with him first before she could move forward into a new relationship with Edward. With that in mind, she decided that she would talk to James tomorrow and then tell Edward about her decision at the concert. It would be the perfect ending to a very special evening.
She tilted her head back so she could look at him. "Both you and James have been so kind and understanding during this whole situation. I won't let another week go by without making a final decision. I can't ping-pong between the two of you anymore."
Edward pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she knew in her heart that, no matter what happened with James, she had chosen the right man.
~888~
James agreed to meet Bella for lunch on Friday at noon at the Red Elephant on Thomasville Road. Bella was seated in a booth for ten minutes before he arrived and had used that time to talk herself into believing that she could do this without breaking his heart. James had become quickly attached to her, and she felt wretched about telling him she had made her choice and it wasn't him. She knew he would not be happy about it, but she told herself it was better to do this sooner rather than later, when he might have been totally vested in her.
When she saw him enter the restaurant, she smiled and waved to him from the booth, and he quickly maneuvered through the restaurant to join her. He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and then slid in across from her with a wide smile.
"Hey you," he said teasingly. "This is a welcome surprise. I figured you guys would be so busy with preparation for the concert tomorrow, I wouldn't see you again until Sunday."
Bella smiled back as genuinely as she could. "It helps being the boss, I guess. We're in good shape, though. Alice has everything planned down to the finest detail."
The waitress approached, and they ordered their drinks. Suddenly, Bella's appetite was gone, so she was glad the drink order had been taken first. She wasn't sure James would want to dine with her at all once she had her say, so she decided to dive in.
"Are your parents getting settled in?" she asked. So much had gone on that week, she had almost forgotten that they were moving over the weekend.
"Yeah, the moving van arrived last night, and my parents drove in this morning. I offered to help with the heavy lifting, but they opted for the deluxe moving package, so all they have left to do is the unpacking."
"That's the way to go," she agreed, smiling nervously. She rolled the silverware out of the napkin and took great pains to get the napkin just so in her lap. She was avoiding the inevitable and she knew it, but her thoughts and the words she wanted to say were seriously eluding her at the moment.
"I'll go by after work and see if they need any help. You should come with me to welcome them to town," he offered.
"I can't," she said apologetically. "We will be knee-deep in decorating the Center tonight."
"How about Sunday afternoon? I can pick you up after church, and we can head over there."
"We'll see," she said noncommittally. She figured she'd better go ahead and just tell him and stop dragging it out.
"James…" she began tentatively, "we really are kindred spirits in a lot of ways. You came into my life at a time when I was questioning whether there was something wrong with me, or if there would ever be someone for me. I will always be grateful to you for that."
"Yeah," he said, taking her hand across the table. "I can see that. We have similar backgrounds, we have a lot in common, and we want the same things for our futures. Anyone who makes you doubt yourself, or makes you feel like you don't quite cut it, doesn't deserve you."
She shook her head. "I'm not dwelling on the way I was feeling before you came into my life, because that was a total misunderstanding. Edward never meant to make me feel that way… but that's neither here nor there. I really just want to tell you that I have made my decision, James."
Something in her look or the way she said his name must have tipped him off, because his countenance fell visibly before she could utter her next words.
"You've chosen Cullen, haven't you?" he asked softly. His face was first a mask of pain, but then it became hard and devoid of emotion.
"Yes," Bella said simply, but her heart was aching because she knew he was so terribly disappointed. "But you didn't do anything to make or break that decision. You are everything in a man I ever thought I wanted. I know that probably nothing I can say right now can convince you of just how very difficult this decision has been, but I couldn't just keep stringing you both along. My destiny lies with another, and this week just seemed to underscore that."
"Bella, you know that a relationship with someone who doesn't share your beliefs is like a death sentence. It cannot end well for you. I don't know what hurts more, your rejection of me or your willingness to invite the kind of trouble you will surely have with a man like that," he spat.
Bella was peeved that he would discount her decision like it was a personal affront to him. "I thought we could act like the adults we are about this, James. Edward's faith or lack thereof is not any of your concern. And you talk about things ending before they've even begun. You don't know what I know about him, and you definitely don't see what I see in him."
"Oh, good for you!" he said, raising his voice just a decibel higher. "I hope your vision is 20/20 and he is everything you believe he is, because I'm not going to be around to pick up the pieces when he disappoints you."
"What happened to us being friends no matter what," Bella said hotly, her temper rising. "Or were those just nice words that you didn't really mean? I thought you of all people would respect my decision, even if you don't agree with it."
He blanched as if he'd been stung, then closed his eyes briefly, like he was mentally gathering himself. He tried again. "You're right. I am being such a jerk. Bella, please forgive me. I think your warning about guarding my heart came just a little too late."
"I am so sorry," she said, huskily. Her throat was constricting, and she felt tears prick her eyes. James was so good, and she despised herself for having to hurt him this way. "I never meant for this to turn into a three-ring circus, and I never meant to hurt you. I care about you deeply because you so completely fulfill my list of must-haves in a man. Edward just surpasses that in more ways than I could ever have imagined any man would, and I can't deny it. If I were to do so, I would be lying to myself and to you."
"I couldn't ask you to go against your heart. Self-preservation is always our first reaction when we feel threatened, isn't it? I am sorry."
The waitress approached the table with their drinks and after placing them on the table, looked expectantly to them for their orders. Bella looked up at her with a small smile.
"Can we have a few more minutes, please?"
"Sure," the waitress said and loped off to the next table to check on her other customers.
"I'll understand if you don't really want to have lunch now," Bella said, returning her gaze to James. "I'm not very hungry myself anymore."
"I meant it when I said I wanted us to emerge from this as friends," he replied, his blue eyes filled with pain. "I may not have displayed those feelings initially today, but that is what I want. Just give me little time to lick my wounds, okay?"
"Okay," Bella agreed, taking the first deep breath she had been able to take since he'd arrived at the restaurant. "But promise me, you'll call me when you need a guest soloist at Reformed Baptist?"
He smiled, but it only halfway lit his eyes. "You'll be my first guest," he promised.
~888~
A/N: Ok, so I know I didn't get the concert in this chapter. When I wrote out everything it was like 14K words, so I couldn't make chapter 13 that long. Chapter 14 will contain the concert, and it is coming in a day or so. At this posting it was getting a final beta once-over. Please be patient, I promise you will not be disappointed. xoxoxo
Zydeco music (French: "les haricots" or "le zaricot", English: "green beans" or "snap beans') is a form of American roots or folk music. It evolved in southwest Louisiana in the early 19th century from forms of Louisiana Creole music. The rural black Creoles of southwest Louisiana and southeast Texas still sing in Creole French. Usually fast tempo and dominated by the button or piano accordion and a form of a washboard known as a "rub-board," "scrub-board," or frottoir, zydeco music was originally created at house dances, where families and friends gathered for socializing.
The Waterboy is a 1998 American comedy film directed by Frank Coraci. It stars Adam Sandler alongside Henry Winkler, Kathy Bates, Jerry Reed, and Fairuza Balk. Adam Sandler plays Bobby Boucher (pronounced "Boo-SHAY"), a socially inept (but also intelligent), stuttering, water boy with hidden anger issues due to constant teasing and his mother's (Kathy Bates) excessive sheltering
The center of gravityis the theoretical point where all the body weight is concentrated or the theoretical point about which the body weight is evenly distributed. If a body is of uniform density and has a symmetrical shape the center of gravity is in the geometric center. If the object is not symmetrical and does not have uniform density, it is more difficult to describe the location of its center of gravity. Because the human body is not symmetrical and is of non-uniform density, the center of gravity is difficult to locate. In fact, the body's center of gravity shifts with each body movement. When the distribution of a person's body weight changes, the center of gravity shifts toward the greater weight concentration.
Church of the Greater Son - Does not exist. It is just a name I came up with for the cult depicted in the story. The major deal that makes COGS a cult is Aro's controlling nature, his greed, and his penchant for adding language to the Bible. This is a big "no no" in the Christian Church. Generally cult leaders will control their members through something whether it is money, sex, or false and misleading doctrine that does not uphold the belief in the trinity.