Is this really happening?! Dirk thought frantically. His fingers were trembling too hard to type a reply, and he was certainly blushing like an anime character.
But...something was off. Not right. It was a faint, niggling feeling at the back of his heart that something wasn't...right.
GT: I mean if thats the correct term
GT: And if you would want to
GT: I did get the sense that you liked me
GT: But i got that with janey and i was wrong with her!
GT: This is going to be really awkward.
Was it because they weren't in person? nah, couldn't be that. He'd been asked out plenty of times over the internet and it didn't bother him. Was it the awkwardness? Maybe a little, but this was Jake English! Awkwardness was the job description.
GT: Youre not mad are you? Sorry it really did seem like you liked me.
Maybe it was...?
GT: You were so cheerful when we got our tattoos
Did he really not..?
GT: And ive been there for you, youve been there for me
GT: Like friendship with kissing!
GT: Er...if you want, that is.
If you want.
Jake was a people pleaser. Dirk knew that. But was he really offering to be 'boyfriends' just to make him happy? He'd said a lot of shit, but not once, not once, did he say 'I like you'. And Dirk knew better. Like friendship with kissing, my ass.
TT: Jake, do you like me?
GT: Well weve been chums for quite a while! We would work well, and stuff.
TT: Do you like me?
TT: Do you stay up late at night and wish I was beside you? Do you cry at love songs? Do you imagine the way our first date would play out? Do you wish you could tell me how you felt, if only I felt the same?
TT: Or did Jane, Roxy, and that goddamned Auto Responder tell you to consider dating me?
GT: I
GT: Gee i
GT: Dirk im so sorry
TT: You're sorry I'm right? You feel as platonic as fucking possible dude.
TT: We were thirteen Jake. You're not the same person I fell in love with, as much as it sucks to say.
GT: Wow i feel foolish
GT: Why didnt you say this earlier?
TT: I guess I didn't realize it until now.
GT: Why now?
TT: Because...
Because...
Because...?
TT: Because the voice in my head...helping me sort out my feelings and what to say...was Roxy.
He didn't say i like you! C'mon Dirky, don't be a dumbass. Don't let yourself for one second think janey doesn't like him. It's so obv! She prolly just flipped out when he said sumthing like that. I know it hurts, but you know what's right, yeah?
TT: I mean, yeah, you're my bro. And I love you. I've been in love with you for a long time.
"Don't leave me Roxy!"
"I won't."
TT: But you don't love me like that. You are trying to make me happy, because that's what you, and Jane, and especially Roxy, do.
"Let's make cupcakes!"
TT: And...I think I'm okay with that.
"She's either in her room writing, or out writing."
TT: Because Roxy...she's helped me. My life doesn't revolve around my feelings for you. Which is fucking terrifying because that's who I've been for so long.
TT: But...I'm not gonna fuck up your life. Don't be a dumbass Jake. There's a 99.9% chance that Jane likes you. She probably didn't wanna 'ruin your friendship' if you didn't feel the same.
TT: Just like me.
GT: Whats the other .1%?
TT: The fact that you didn't realize she was lying. Go, dude. Confess like the kawaii fuck you are.
GT: Thanks dirk! Im truly sorry.
TT: It's...okay.
GT: Before i go, i just want to say
GT: if you dont love me, it sounds like you most definitely love roxy.
Roxy rocked back and forth, arms wrapped around her knees. She briefly stopped to chug some Jack Daniels, not bothering to wash it down with anything. Janey had gone home, saying she'd rather drown her sadness with old John Wayne movies.
Roxy knew how she'd drown hers. Like she had with Zack, who said she was too timid, with Tavros, who said she was too clingy, with Rufioh when she wasn't Horuss. When she didn't make cheerleading because she wasn't good enough. When her mother got so drunk she cried. Just once.
She drained the rest of the bottle and everything went fuzzy.
I'm nine. Mommy is actually talking to me, but her words sound weird. She's messing things up, but she's talking to me! Yay!
"Roxxxyyy-hic!- C'mere sweetie," Mommy pats her lap. "Momy wnats to smell- tell -you a smor, story!"
"Okay!" I hop onto her lap, breathing deep. She smells like lavender and something bitter that I don't like.
"So thsis stroy, story, it has pictures! Weeel, jsut, just one picture, but itz a purty one!"
She pulls out a worn picture, folded a billion times. It's of four kids, a stoic blonde, a cheerful green-eyed geek, a dorky brunette, and a calm blonde girl that looks just like mommy! The dork has his arm around her, an' it's really cute.
"You see them sweetie? Those two kids? The one wearing glasses, with the blue eyes, and the blonde girl? They must love each other a lot, huh? People said they were supposed to be together forever. Don't you think they look happy?"
"Yes mommy, they look really happy together."
She shakes her head slowly. "Oh no, no, noooo Roxy. They look happy, but he left!" She starts to cry and I frantically try to pat her tears away. "He left that little blonde girl and ran off with another girl and hunted treasure. They watched really bad movies and everyrone forgot he and this girl could have ever been together, even though they were supposed to be."
"That's a sad story Mommy..."
"Mmmmhm. Hey Rooxy? Want somea this?" She sloshes around a bottle and I don't want to drink any of it, but mommy is finally talking to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I take a tiny sip and recoil while she giggles maniacally. She gently pushes me off her lap and saunters off.
"Don't trust love, Roxy. An' if you do, have suma this. 'Cuz alcohol makes you forget..."
I'm fourteen and crying because I've just checked the cheerleading forms on the door. I'm not it, not in, not in...I wasn't good enough, even thought I practiced, didn't I? Did the dance until I fell asleep to the pulsing beat? Stretched as much as possible? But still, those stupid pom-pom whores rejected me. Denied me. Looked down on me because I was different.
I give a quick look towards my trusty martini stash. I've been drinking it more and more, ever since that night when I first got blackout drunk. Being rejected for cheerleading is definitely something I'd like to forget.
I swig the glass, not bothering to sip it daintily. Screw that. I was worn out of girlish impulses, of spandex, and stupid pink basketball shorts. Fuck it all, and fuck those cheerleading bitches.
"Hey, um, c-can I talk to you?" I stammer, standing behind Him.
"Um, no." He responds, staring at me with widened 'who the fuck are you' eyes. I am about to leave, but I gather what little courage my twelve year old self has.
"Can I talk to you after school?" To confess? To finally say I like you?
"Uh, no. I'm busy."
Don't fail me now courage We'll fall apart and lose the connection we have if I don't tell him how I feel! We don't sity by each other anymore, so if I don't do it now, we'll never really talk again.
"When can we talk?" I demand firmly. I will not be swayed!
"Never," He mutters, rolling his eyes in disgust.
'If you keep acting like this, we can't be friends anymore.'
I type furiously. 'I thought you said you liked me!'
'Look, I just said that so I wouldn't crush your self-esteem, okay? I saw my friend reject you. Leave me alone, I like someone else.'
"He thinks you're ugly."
"You're like a sister to me."
"I don't know you well enough yet."
"You've known me since second grade!"
"So?"
"Do you wanna go out with me?"
"UHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
"I love you!"
"I don't know how to respond to that."
"Sit down next to me!"
"No way."
"You're gonna get a bus citation if you keep standing up!"
"I'd rather get a citation than sit with her."
"Do you like me?"
"Ew, no."
I'm thirteen, and crying because Tavros, my very first boyfriend, the recipient of the initials doodled in my notebook, the person I hold hands with at lunch, has cheated on me.
He kissed someone else. He never even kissed me once. Not once. And now he never will, because he told me he doesn't want me. Stuttered it out, but yeah, he said it.
I remember what my mom said a few years ago, and heart pounding, pour myself a glass of wine from the gazillion bottles my mom has around. It tastes dry and bitter, and makes my head foggy, but my stomach burns with fire and makes me tears feel a little better.
I pour myself two glasses of wine when Zack says I'm clingy and timid.
He didn't kiss me either.
I'm fourteen, and determined to kiss Rufioh. He will be my first kiss. I just know it.
"Hey doll, isn't it past your bedtime?" He teases, gesturing up to the bright full moon. The crickets are chirping, it's a beautiful night, the whole universe is sending me a sign! I pucker my lips and lean in, eyes lightly closed.
"Uhhh Rox? What are you doing?"
"Trying to kiss you, dummy!" I say flirtatiously, flicking my eyes open. He jumps off the fence and his eyes are wide and terrified. "Um, Rufioh?"
"L-look doll, I'm sorry, but-"
"No! No don't say that," I hiss, jumping off the fence too. "Do not say it. Kiss me."
"Roxy, I don't-"
"Kiss me, dammit!" I wail, "Please, please! I like you! I really like you Rufioh, so please, please kiss me! You can reject me after, but please be my first kiss. I'll stop bothering you or whatever, just please!" My voice breaks at the end, and I'm sure I'm one 'I'm sorry doll" away from sobbing.
He hesitates and shrugs. "Roxy, I like Horuss. We're dating, actually! I'm really sor-"
"No." My voice is ice and my eyes are full of pink rage and fire. "Do NOT say 'i'm sorry'. You're not sorry. No one is, and no one will ever be. Kiss me, you fucktard, and I'll leave you alone. Don't worry about my feelings or anything! Oh wait, did you really have to be reminded of that? You don't care anyway!" I stalk towards him and grab him by the shirt, pulling him down to me. He will be my first.
Oh god, but it's bad. Our kiss is bad. His lips are hard and unfeeling, he's struggling to get away and my eyes are blurring with tears. The night's not beautiful anymore. It's ugly and cold and broken.
Just like my heart.
He skitters away, and I somehow make my way to the door. My mom is nowhere to be found, surprise, surprise, so I scream in a pillow and cry like a baby. I go to pour myself a martini, but frustration overtakes me and I whip the crystal glass against the wall. I need the strong stuff.
Roxy had read, and her mother written, enough books to know the alcohol makes you forget.
Oh god this chapter is like a flashback in my past. Blergh. I wrote this so long ago, lol. Well, is summer counted as long ago? Oh well. Please review and let me know what you think and all that.