The Epilogue. A/N at the end. Please note that I updated the last chapter of this story today as well, so make sure you read that first!
They kept her in a medically induced coma for three days. For Tommy, those three days felt like three lifetimes. Three days of no sleep, eating the bare minimum, pacing more than was necessary, and driving the hospital staff absolutely mad. No one was sure who was more relieved when Jude regained consciousness, the staff, her family, or Tom Quincy and anyone who had to interact with him.
Of course, while she was now considered medically conscious, she was still heavily sedated with painkillers, and she hadn't been awake for any period longer than about ten minutes or so. When she first woke up, groggy, disoriented, and in more pain than she thought her body would actually withstand, she saw Tommy hunched over in the chair next to her, rumpled clothes and a tiny bit of drool on the corner of his mouth, dead asleep. He woke up fairly quickly, only to see her crying earnestly. He was the most perfect thing she had ever seen. She had almost lost hope that she would ever see him again, let alone him sleeping next to her, hair a mess and seemingly unharmed.
He whispered how much he loved her over and over again while they waited for a doctor, and before she slipped back into a morphine-related sleep after a perfunctory check up, she whispered that she loved him too. And she was so glad he was alright.
And then he was the one that was crying earnestly.
It went like that for a few days. She would drift in and out of sleep, always being reassured that her body was just healing and the painkillers and sleep were aiding that process. After five days of living in some kind of fugue state, she stayed awake long enough to speak to the cops, and then, separately, Bear and Tommy. She got more answers than she ever wanted, really.
Marco Colantoni was being held without bail. Right now they said her testimony given to the police would suffice, and that there was more than enough evidence to send him away. Her testifying would probably not be necessary; it would be up to her to decide if she wanted to live through it again, to face her attacker. She filed that away for later, knowing that she couldn't deal with it then. Amber Pietro was also being held without bail, but in a psychiatric facility. Like they had suspected, she gave absolutely no incriminating evidence of Colantoni's involvement, but then again, she spoke very little. Jude was a bit shocked at that one - the girl was definitely certifiable, but she couldn't believe she had been carrying this around for years since her dad had been with Cindy. It almost seemed too far-fetched, but really, didn't the whole situation?
When Bear described Tommy's efforts in taking down Marco, she could only stare at Tommy in disbelief. The tips of his ears were tinged pink and he ducked his head, not meeting her eyes.
"My hero," she whispered.
"I'm not a hero," he scoffed. "I didn't save you in time, from all of…" His eyes trailed down her arms and torso, heavily bandaged as they were. Bear stood up, surprisingly smooth for a man his size and excused himself from the conversation that he knew was inevitable.
"I'm okay, Tommy," she told him. "I am. No permanent damage."
It was true, to an extent. No broken bones. They had gotten to her before blood loss had been critical, although she had been approaching that line very quickly. Her arms would heal, the drugs had only done minor damage to her liver, and the only reminders of that nightmare would be the scars that the doctors assured her could be lessened with creams, treatments, even cosmetic surgeries if she so chose.
"I should've…"
"Should've what? There was nothing any of us could have done, Tommy. And I don't need months and months of therapy to know that. I know. And I'm not saying its going to be easy for me and I'm not saying I want to think about that night ever again, even if I know I'm going to have to. But I am okay. And so are you. And so are...we? Right?"
This was it. This was her biggest fear. She knew Tommy, in and out. And when things got a little bit out of control, and when he started to travel down the road of self-blame, he pulled away, and he did so fast. This was the best excuse he would ever get to distance himself from her, and she was terrified that he would.
"Hey, no, no, I'm not - no." Tommy leaned forward and cupped her face in his hands, moving to sit on the edge of the hospital bed she was propped up in. "I might not let you out of my sight for the next ten years, but this, you and I? It's okay. We're okay. I'll be damned if I let anyone else take care of you, how's that?"
"Some of us might fight you for that right, Quincy." Sadie peeked her head in around the door, the shadow behind her telling Jude that Kwest had also come to visit.
"Someone should be taking care of you," Jude countered as Sadie pushed open the door, effectively ending any private moment Jude and Tommy would have had.
"Oh please. I think dad's going to have a coronary trying to figure out who to hover over most right now." Sadie held out a bouquet of pink roses in a bulbous vase, which Jude took with a small smile.
"'Congratulations?'" Jude read the card nestled in the stems allowed and cocked an eyebrow at her sister. "Did you just re-gift flowers to me?"
"Or it could mean 'Congratulations on still being alive!'"
"Touching," Tommy muttered, taking the vase and placing it on a nearby table.
"You know you're lucky you're in the hospital, Jude," Sadie said casually, causing two out of four jaws to drop.
"Babe." Kwest coughed, urging her to go on.
"Oh, that's not what I meant! I just mean, if you weren't, I'd hurt you myself."
"Not better," Tommy gritted out.
"I talked to mom."
The heart rate monitor spiked loudly, attracting everyone's attention. Jude's mother had called and sent flowers but hadn't ventured back to Canada to visit Jude in person. She knew there was only one reason Sadie would mention talking to her.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, she wanted to know how you were going to afford your hospital bills when you spent all your money on my wedding."
Another heart rate spike.
"Would you calm down? I just said I wasn't going to hurt you!"
"Are you mad?" Jude's voice was smaller than she intended, but she took a deep breath and tried to center herself as Tommy's large, calloused hand enveloped her own.
"Yes." Sadie struggled to answer. "No. I don't know. You didn't have to do that. I just don't know if I wished you hadn't or if I'm happy you did."
Jude managed a small smile, but wasn't quite sure what to say. She hadn't planned for this confrontation ever, let alone while she was in the hospital, recovering from grievous injuries after being kidnapped.
"How are you paying for your hospital bills then?"
Jude actually hadn't really thought of that, but Tommy chimed in.
"G Major's insurance will cover most of it, and what isn't covered will be paid for by Darius himself."
"Really?" Jude, Kwest, and Sadie asked at the same time.
Tommy nodded, choosing to leave out the part of the story where he threatened to take Jude away from Canada for her recovery if Darius didn't commit to that. It had actually been a very easy negotiation, and Tommy's threats were empty. Darius agreed without any hesitation.
A beat of awkward silence passed until Sadie gasped.
"God, you must have thought I was such a bitch when I yelled at you about the album release party!"
"Well…" Jude smirked, joking.
"Hey!" Sadie reached out and swatted Jude's closest arm, jarring the stitches and causing Jude to cry out in pain. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry, Jude!"
Jude grit her teeth as she grasped for control of the pain, inhaling deeply and slowly.
"It's fine, I'm fine, no, no, Tommy, I'm fine." She saw him reach for the call button to get a doctor's attention and waved him off.
Sadie looked to be on the brink of tears and Jude rushed to reassure her.
"Don't worry about it Sades. Besides, I hear childbirth is like, ten times worse than this," she teased. "Get ready."
Sadie stuck her tongue out at her younger sister, her hand subconsciously drifting to her almost undetectable baby bump. She then launched into an exaggerated story from their cut-short-but-still-memorable honeymoon, with Kwest interjecting actual facts here and there.
Jude looked around the room, reveling in the warmth that traveled through her bloodstream, this time having nothing to do with morphine. She was safe, she was with her family, and she was with Tommy. She was home.
"You don't have to do this," Tommy told her for what had to be the tenth time that hour. Jude's response this time, however, was different that the nine previous 'I know's' she had given.
"Yes, Tommy. I do."
He nodded stiffly, finally understanding that he had to drop it. She was going to do this, she needed to do this, despite his own issues surrounding it.
It had been four months since the album had dropped, and whether it was due to the publicity surrounding her kidnapping or the actual merits of the album (Jude chose to believe it was the former, of course), Coming Home had gone platinum in no time. The deluxe version was slated to be released that coming week, with three new bonus tracks, digital content, and a letter to her fans penned by Jude. One bonus song was a remastered, full-orchestra version of the once-hidden Home, another was a song that had just barely gotten cut on the original release, and the last was a new song that she had written after the kidnapping.
It was the last song that was causing Tommy's overprotectiveness to kick into overdrive.
He hadn't been able to produce that track, instead handing it over to Kwest. He had heard it, of course, even had his hand in a few of the lyrics; he hadn't been able to deny Jude the creative process she treasured between the two of them. But he had only listened to it in it's entirety a few times, and in his own opinion, it had been more than enough.
He wasn't surprised that she had chosen to express her feelings on the kidnapping in a song. It was truly a Jude thing to do, and he had expected nothing less. He just hadn't anticipated how it would make him feel. He knew she was doing well considering the circumstances, and writing the song definitely helped. It had taken a few weeks for her to not have nightmares every night and even now, months later, they weren't completely absent from their evenings. She had moved in with him under the guise of him aiding her recovery, following through on his promise to take care of her, but they both knew she wasn't going anywhere. She was home with him, wherever that was, and for now, the penthouse was it. A few nightmares weren't going to chase him away.
She spoke with a therapist a few times, but she acknowledged that it was no where near as cathartic as music was for her, and elected to not waste anyone's time with the continued appointments. She spoke to Tommy about the experience plenty, especially after nightmares. He listened dutifully, willed himself not to get too angry or upset at the stories, instead just being there as a shoulder to lean on, not a desperate boyfriend. Most of the time that worked.
She was doing well. He knew that.
He watched her for a few moments as she turned away and asked SME about their guitars and asking them to go over a chord progression one more time. He almost smirked at the strangeness of it all; Wally, Kyle, and Spiederman were probably coping with Jude's kidnapping the worst. She was so kind and gentle with them, seeming to understand their troubles with coming to terms with what happened. It took weeks after the ordeal for the boys to even speak around her, and then it was stilted, forced, and just all around awkward. Jude handled it all in stride, never calling them out on it, just reassuring them that she was okay and would be safe from then on out. She thanked them for helping her father that night, and even gave them the option to not have to help on this new song. She didn't want to make it worse for them. But just like Jude, this song helped them. Moreso, they saw it as a way for them to help Jude, which was all they were looking for before, with fragmented sentences and too many flower deliveries.
Jude was as good for the boys of SME as she was for him, but he still noticed things as she comforted them with guitar riffs and drum beats now. She fiddled with her cardigan sleeves, her fingers running over the hems and pulling them down farther, farther, until all but the tips of her nails were showing.
She wore long sleeves now. It was early spring in Canada and no one questioned it, but only Tommy knew how constant it was. She slept in long sleeves or his own oversized shirts, her wrists and a few inches of her forearms the only thing visible. It was quite an enigma to Tommy; she didn't like her scars, he knew that. He would be worried if she did. But she hid them in strange ways. She didn't shy away from them when he kissed his way up her arms when they were in bed, his own stray tears scarring her arms in the best way possible. She didn't rebuff him when he ran a soft cloth over them in the shower, washing both the previous day and that night, four months ago, off of her. But he saw her, watched her. She might not hide them from him, but she hid them from herself.
Her eyes remained resolutely on her face when she applied makeup, if she wasn't already dressed. She never looked at his ministrations in the bed or in the shower. In the beginning weeks, she would redress her wounds with her eyes closed, if he wasn't available to help her. She shied away from questions about removing them, preferring to simply state that they were still healing and weren't ready to have anything done to them. That might have been true in the first three months, but the scars were beginning to take on that same bright white quality that Amber's had, instead of the angry red they had been in the early healing stages.
People assumed she was ashamed of them, embarrassed. No one asked to see them and no one brought them up. A few leaked photographs of them appeared on the web, the pictures taken from police evidence against Amber and Colantoni. The legal action Darius threatened any website printing them was enough to scare most bloggers away from reporting them, save for only the most vile and repugnant websites. They were to remain hidden, secret.
She hid them, yes, but from no one besides herself.
But today was going to be the day she changed that, if you were to believe what she casually told Tommy that morning. Even he was unsure if that was to be taken seriously or not, but he did what he felt he was supposed to: listened silently, before telling her that she could do whatever she wanted. She had just smirked in that trademark Jude way before proceeding to show Tommy that she would do whatever she wanted - to him.
"You go on in 5, Jude." Tommy held up his fingers, as the stagehand had just done to him. She nodded and smiled at him, the only visible sign of her nerves being her fingertips, shaking just slightly under their sleeves.
They were at the MuchMusic TV station, and it was going to be the first public performance Jude had given since her album release party. Since that night. Since everything.
It was an album release party of a different type, with a small crowd of fans that had waited patiently outside in the arctic weather. There were no fancy gowns, no other celebrities, nothing that even vaguely resembled her original album release. But all Tommy could see were similarities, enemies lurking, and a song that was going to be performed and rip his heart out.
All too soon and they were giving Jude the signal to prepare to go on. She moved closer to Tommy first, stopping right in front of him.
"I love you," she told him, the words weeping sincerity.
"I…" Sometimes, like that moment in particular, Tommy couldn't help but feel overcome with emotion for the girl in front of him. This amazing woman that he almost didn't get a chance with, didn't get a future with.
"My look," she commented softly.
He pulled her close and kissed her with more passion than he ever had before in public, his hands tangled in her carefully coiffed hair, her own wrapped tightly around his waist. When they broke apart, only a few moments later, they were both breathing heavily. He rested his forehead against hers, a favorite position of his, and finally the words came.
"I love you, too. Always. Don't forget that, okay?"
"I could never."
"Ms. Harrison? They're ready for you." A voice behind Tommy urged her politely. She smiled up at him and pressed another light kiss to his lips, the sweetest parting gesture he had ever received.
He watched with awe as she turned towards the stage, took a deep breath, and shed the dark maroon cardigan she wore, leaving it in a puddle on the floor. And walked confidently to the center of the stage.
The applause ebbed out much quicker than it usually did as the crowd took in her appearance. She was wearing a sleeveless black cowl neck shirt, her arms completely bare. The shirt draped enough that scars on her chest and clavicle were also visible. She had avoided looking at them in so many different situations, she couldn't fathom how they would be appearing now on television, under the harsh stage lights.
She hazarded a look behind her, at her band, at her friends. They had never seen her arms before, never seen the scars. She watched them take her in, their eyes roaming quickly over her arms before meeting her eyes. She bit her lip, another telltale sign of her nerves, before quirking her lips up in a small smile.
"We good?"
Spied was the first one to recover, and the one standing closest to her.
"At the risk of sounding like Lord Squinty Frown over there: always."
Jude almost questioned how they could have possibly known what he had just said to her when Wally tapped his earpiece. Not attached to mics, their feedback earpieces were designed to capture their sounds and communicate it to the band, not the station's sound system.
A real smile spread across Jude's lips at that and she actually rolled her eyes at them.
"Let's do this, Dude," Spied told grinned at her, his words having a heavy undertone to them that she appreciated. She nodded and turned back to the audience.
"I'm Jude Harrison and this is the Spiederman Mind Explosion. And this is 'Eyes Wide Open,' a new bonus track that can be found on the deluxe version of my album Coming Home, out this Friday."
The synthesized strings slowly came out of the speakers and Jude took a deep breath, before closing her eyes and singing the one song that might destroy her, or might put her back together. She wasn't sure yet.
"I could hear her breathing
No one believed me
No one believed me
I could hear those voices
So deceiving
So deceiving
Cool wind on my face
Cool wind on my face"
The drums started to kick in, and as the pace picked up, she felt the familiar stirring of excitement in her stomach. She was doing what she loved, with the people she loved. This is what she was meant to be doing, and no one could take that away from her. Not Amber, not Marco, and not these damn scars on her body.
"Do you know how it feels to be afraid?
Lying there frozen
With my eyes wide open
And do you know how it feels find a trace?
Of words unspoken
With my eyes wide open
I know your secret."
Spied really let it rip with the guitar riffs, and Jude was immensely glad she let him help with the arrangement. She struggled with the words alone, she wasn't sure she could have made this song without his input.
"I can feel you calling
I know that you're there
I know that you're there
Tell me all your memories
I'll keep them alive
I'll keep them alive
Cool wind on my face
Cool wind on my face"
She couldn't chance a look at Tommy during this performance, as much as she wanted to. She knew this song was hard for him, and she never once begrudged him for it. He had done so much for her in the past few months, she would never hold this against him. Instead, she either focused on the bright lights in front of her, obscuring the audience, or she closed them, focusing on the feelings inside of her that she had almost forgotten about.
"I heard you
I felt you
I know
So what do you want from me?
Cool wind on my face
Cool wind on my face
Cool wind on my face
Cool wind on my face
Do you know how it feels to be afraid?
Lying there frozen
With my eyes wide open
And do you know how it feels to find a trace?
Of words unspoken
With my eyes wide open
I know your secrets
I know your secrets
I know, I know your secret."
The song faded out and for a brief moment, Jude was terrified. She had always known that this song might lose people. No one wanted to be reminded of the trauma behind the story, the scandal. They wanted to read about it on the internet, to see the pictures without the girl, without the emotions attached. They didn't want to entertain the idea that there was a broken girl behind the blog posts, a girl with nightmares and scarred arms and a twinge in her left shoulder if she lifted her arm too high. She knew that this song, easily the most personal thing she had ever written, ever shared with anyone, might be too much. And for that split second, her heart sunk and she realized she was right, it was too much.
But then the lights dimmed, and she shook her head slightly until comprehension dawned on her; she wasn't having trouble hearing, but rather the audience was roaring with applause and cheers. They were on their feet, more than a few of them with tears streaming down their faces, tears Jude knew were mirrored on her own.
Not trusting herself to say more, she swallowed thickly before leaning close to the microphone.
"Thank you all. So much."
Her eyes traveled to her Spied, to Kyle, to Wally, before finding her sister (and the cutest baby bump she had ever seen), Kwest, and her father sitting in the front row. She couldn't see him but she let her eyes go to the glass box above the audience, knowing Darius was up in the production office, sitting with the bigwigs, probably drinking scotch and making business deals. Finally, her eyes found Tommy. Still right at the edge of the stage, a few tears on his own face being wiped hastily away. He was right there and he always would be.
She didn't need to, she made sure she said it to him every day and would continue to say it to him for as long as he would let her. But her lips formed the words before she could think of a good reason not, and she silently mouthed the same words to him.
"Thank you."
A/N: And I repeat the same sentiment to all of you: Thank you thank you thank you for reading this story! I have been writing this for so long, it seems like the craziest, most intense love affair I have ever had. And this tiny fandom - I can't believe I still have people reading this and reviewing these chapters, when there have been so many years that have passed since the last episode aired. (Not to mention the years that have passed since I posted the first chapter! It was in 2008, if you can believe that!) It is so incredible and amazing to me. I hope everyone likes this ending, and thinks it is a fitting place to leave off. I can't lie: I am so glad that I am done with this story. Not that I didn't love writing every single chapter, every word, every semi-colon, because I definitely have. It's just one of those things that has always been lingering over me. I have a few other stories that I now have to go finish up, because let me tell you, this is a great feeling. I'm done! It's finished! Over 115,000 words (I believe) and I just hope that everyone can feel the love and joy that I've put into this story and that you've taken a little bit with you.
Thank you all so much!
Love,
Samantha