I never thought that in this world, I could have a good and proper rhythm to each day. To the point where it's almost reaching monotony. Carl's wound healed enough for him not to wear bandages 24/7. I won't lie, seeing him without the bandages for the first time was pretty jarring. I mean, he's missing an entire eye. I'm the only that's seen it so far, he still wears the bandages around Judith, I think he's just trying to find a way for him to easily cover up the scar. His hair should be able to cover it up soon, but until then.

Today we've been given the day off. Which I suppose is a break from the routineness of it all. There are some pluses to being right on the river here. Of course, there's the obvious, it keeps walkers out, and is a perpetual water source, but there's also the fact that it makes summer plans really easy.

In the always constant effort of making life at Alexandria similar to that of life in the old world, someone found and fixed up a pretty big house boat, and they take a trip out onto the river once a week during the summer. You can like swim out in the river and stuff, it's supposedly really fun. Carl and I decided that we might as well put our day off to good use and will be joining another 10 or so people on the boat today.

We'd been planning this for a while, probably two or three weeks, whenever they told us that we'd have the day off. I've become more of a regular when it comes to supply running, and during my time out there, I picked up some swim trunks for Carl and a swimsuit for me. Because hey, they're there, and it's not like the walkers are going to use them.

We get up at the regular time this morning and I throw a shirt and shorts over my swimsuit, Carl puts on a shirt, and we quickly grab breakfast. Beth is taking care of Judith today. It's the usual oatmeal and then we head across the safe zone to the dock. The boat is tied up there and about four people are standing around, idly making conversation with one another.

Carl and I just stand there, occasionally exchanging a word or two, mostly just enjoying each other's company while everyone else arrives. Then a man taller than Carl with close cropped light brown hair and a scruffy beard.

He unlocks the boat, so I assume he's the captain, and we all climb on. He's insistent that everyone wears life vests at all times, which is fine by me. Everyone on the boat changes into the clothes they're gonna wear, and then we slip the life vests over that. He says his name is Nicholas if we need anything, and then takes his seat at the helm. Most of the people lounge either at the head of the boat, or on the inside, but Carl and I decide to head up to the top of the boat, one for privacy, and two for the view.

I climb the ladder first and when I emerge on top, I'm nearly blinded by the overhead sunlight. I squint, and shield my eyes from the sun as I stand up and walk on top of the boat. Carl quickly follows and he does the same as I. There are a couple of seats beside an alternate captain's helm. The seats are pretty big so Carl and I only use one. The boat starts its way down the river, and the noise of the motor is enough to prevent anyone else from hearing Carl's and my own conversation.

One arm is wrapped around my waist, and the other pushes back my hair and he idly plays with it, "How are you feeling?"

He gave up on trying to get me to go to the doctor, maybe he's hoping I'll say I'll go on my own, but that's doubtful. It's not that my headaches have gone away, or the nausea has stopped bothering, or even that I've stopped randomly forgetting things; rather I'd say they've gotten worse. But in a way, I've kind of adjusted, learned to pull through. I've found ways not to let it show, or to the best of my abilities at the very least.

"Headache," I shrug, "not too bad. Nothing to worry about."

He shakes his head, "I always do." he kisses my head. I lean back and we watch the world beyond the river's coast go by. I watch a couple walkers stumble into the river's current and soon get pushed down stream while we head up, against the natural flow.

I find myself comfortable enough to starting dozing. Lately I've constantly being battered with fatigue, it comes on before I know what's happening. But strangely, it can disappear as quickly as it came.

"Hey," Carl's voice brings me back to the real world, "he stopped." I blink quickly and sit up straight, inhaling quickly. We're stopped at a wide point of the river and there's an isle in front of us that we appear to have beached upon. The roar of the motor is off and I can hear the dull echoes of conversation on the deck below Carl and I.

"Should we head downstairs and see what we're supposed to do now?" I ask.

"Or we could jump right on in." Carl shrugs.

My eyes go wide, "Or we could not." my eyes dart nervously to the waters below us.

"Come on, don't be chicken." Carl nudges me playfully.

"I'm not jumping from here." I protest.

Carl frowns, his brow knits and he looks like he suspects something, "I thought heights didn't bother you? What about your place back at the prison?"

"That was different," I shrug, "there was no jumping off platforms involved. I'm not doing this."

Carl gives me a sly smirk, "We'll see about that."

"If we jump in, your bandages will get wet." I point out logically.

Carl shrugs, "And? Everything is pretty much healed, it won't be the end of the world if my bandages get a little damp." that's an understatement, "C'mon rebel. Let's just be crazy."

My heart thumps nervously as he says the word 'crazy', his eye lights up and it gleams with a challenge. A challenge I normally wouldn't refuse, but today, my mind refuses to budge.

I'm not scared of heights, that's preposterous, I'm scared of falling. Granted, Carl could and would reduce that fear significantly, but my mind refutes the very idea of jumping off the roof of the boat into the water.

"'Crazy.' You use the word liberally." I roll my eyes. I can hear people behind us begin to climb up the ladder, their voices gradually becoming more in focus as they get closer.

"Sam. Goddammit, you are jumping in, even if I have to push you." Carl sets his jaw.

I glare at him, "You wouldn't dare."

He lifts his eyebrows at me, "Oh wouldn't I?" his smirk is infectious; I grind my teeth trying to fight off the urge to crack a smile. No. Don't let him win.

I give him a dirty look, "You won't is the point."

There's a mischievous glint in his eye that he tries to cover up, but I see right through his wall. He stands up and he takes my hand and pulls me to my feet, "We'll see."

People climb over the railing and throw themselves off the side, into the murky, blue-green below, only to emerge a few seconds later, spewing river water with insane grins plastered upon their faces.

Weirdos.

Carl nudges me, "See doesn't that look fun?"

I roll my eyes at him, "Sure. Possibly dying looks like a lot of fun." as if our daily lives didn't involve possibly dying.

He squeezes my hand, "No dying involved. I promise."

"Or we could just go below, and get into the water right off the boat." I reason.

Carl gives me a slow, bored blink, "Fine."

"I win." I taunt as we walk to the ladder and go downstairs.

Carl jumps in from the back of the boat, but I take the small ladder that folds out into the river. The water is freezing cold against my legs, and later my body, but the life jacket is nice, because now I can just float. My body soon adjusts to the cooler temperature, and now it feels nice as the hot sun casts its rays down, slowly baking us. The river current is less strong here and is almost at a standstill. Carl chooses to swim around, playing and splashing me, I splash him back and occasionally kick my legs if I want to move around a bit.

I probably haven't swam since it all started, and so doing this gives me a false sense of paradise, maybe? I'm not really sure how to describe it, I'd say normality, only normality has changed. Normality has become surviving. Only survival, never playing or dancing or swimming. Living in Alexandria has become a break from the usual, and even two and a half months later, I still haven't really adjusted.

The bandages begin to melt off his face and I notice him push his hair in front of his eye to try and cover it up. He's clearly self-conscious about it, no matter what he might say.

"I'll be right back," I tell him and I swim back towards the boat. I grab a towel that sits on a chair and drive enough to step inside. I ask Nicholas if by chance there's any sunglasses around here. He tells me he thinks there might be a pair in one of the drawers and then points to the said drawers. I go through them until I find a pair of square, black sunglasses with wide frames and especially dark lenses. I thank him and then I turn around, heading back outside. On the way, I poke out the left lens and find Carl standing out on the deck, waiting to see what I've done. I simply place the glasses on him and remove the soggy bandaging. You can see some of the tarnished skin that will no doubt form as horrible scarring, but the eye itself is obscured, but I can still see his one good, blue eye through the empty frame.

"There. Now no one will be able to see it," I reassure him.

"You sure it looks ok?" Carl gnaws on his top lip.

I smile sweetly at him, "You look fine."

His eye widens and he studies me, but says nothing.

We stand there for a while, the splashing and joyful screams of others all around us. One person jumps off from the top and the splash covers us.

Carl's mood instantly changes, "Come on." he grabs my hand and goes for the ladder.

I'm just not going to win.

I allow him to half pull me up the ladder, get me over the railing, and I stare down at the water below before I let him know, "I'm not jumping."

Even with the sunglasses, I can see the exasperation in his expression, "Sam."

I shrug meekly, but a smirk manages to sneak out.

"I'll hold your hand," he teases

I cut him a death glare.

"It's not like there giant flying robotic laser sharks down there just waiting to get a bite of some tasty Sam." a full smile spreads across his face, even he can't contain the ridiculousness of the idea.

I deadpan, "You've been reading too many comic books."

He doesn't give me some snarky reply, nor do I have time to refuse his efforts any longer, because he grabs my hand and he jumps pulling me with him. I let out a scream that doesn't take very long to get masked by water. When we hit the water, he lets go, and I swim to the top on my own, the life jacket helping speed up that process.

I break the surface and spit out water, Carl is laughing his head off and I splash him extra hard.

"You asshole!" I scoff, only half meaning it.

"I win." his eyebrow darts up in victory. And I just glare at him.

Ok, that was kinda fun. And I didn't die.

Double win.

"Ready to do it again?" can he tell I actually liked that?

"No." I keep my straight face.

Carl lets out a frustrated sigh, "You are so difficult." he teases. He's not really being pushy, he's never pushy, he knows when to draw the line, and for that I'm grateful.

"Maybe just once more. To shut you up." I allow, my mind instantly disagrees, but I push it aside.

"Yes!" Carl's expression lights up and we swim back to the boat, Carl climbs the ladder quicker than I do, so I let him go first and he's already jumped off by the time I reach the top of the ladder. I climb over the railing, and he stays where he is, watching me from below.

"Come on!" Carl calls, "Jump already!"

My throat tightens and I remember why I didn't want to jump in the first place.

"I'm right here," he uses a gentler tone, "you'll be fine."

Come on, just jump to Carl. He's at the bottom. There's nothing to be afraid of. Just-

I hurl myself off the boat's edge and go flying into the water. I emerge from the water below, heart pounding wildly and gasping for air.

"And that is the last time I do that." I tell him as he continues to laugh at my flustered state.

"Jerk." I grumble

He swims over to me, "I love you."

I snort, "Don't pull that bullshit."

He tackles me in a hug, pulling me underwater for a moment, I push up to the surface and shove him, "What? Are you trying to kill me or something?" I joke, still spitting out river water.

Carl rolls his eyes, the water gives Carl an almost child-like spirit, much like the dancing and carnival did, I like it, but my mind disputes it and is not eager to match his eager attitude, "Yes. You've figured me out. My plan has been to murder you all along." he deadpans

"I knew it!" I joke, forcing my tone to sound happier than I actually feel.

After that, Carl jumps off the boat several more times, and each time I rate his splash, promising if he gets what I deem a 10 I'll kiss him. I'm done jumping for the day, all the action has taken my headache from ignorable, to borderline blinding. I take deep breaths and try to provide the oxygen I'd imagine my brain needs. I just float in the water and try to block out the rest of world, occasionally paying attention to Carl for his sake.

He jumps, there's an overly large splash, drenches the part of my body that is above water, he swims over to me, I give him a meek rating, he rolls his eyes and I shrug, telling him it's not my fault he sucks at cannonballs, then he goes back to the boat and the process starts all over.

"9.9," I tell him this time.

"Oh come on!" Carl protests, "That was like perfect! Round it up." he practically begs with a grin on his face.

I shake my head, "Nope. That wouldn't be an honest rating, now would it?"

"I can live with not completely honest," he insists

I play coy, turning away from him, "Try again."

He grabs me from behind, and I let out an uncharacteristic squeal.

"I'm not kissing you," I insist, I can barely contain my laughter.

"Then I'm not letting go." he counters

"Just play by the rules," I fight to keep my tone even. I love this, or I want to.

I know I would normally love this, but today, my brain refuses to be happy.

Carl releases me, and I turn around, Nick stands on the deck and calls out, informing us that it's about time to go, we only have a couple more minutes before we'll have to head back.

"Go." I push Carl, "One last jump. Make it the best."

Carl hands me the sunglasses that he's miraculously hung onto somehow, "Then hold onto these. And you better be watching. I'll be damned if I don't get that kiss." He swims back to the boat, and I sit patiently waiting for him to jump.

He gets to the top and jumps, the displaced water reaches the height of the boat.

Ok. That's a 10.

He swims eagerly over to me, "So? How'd I do?"

I offer him his glasses, he quickly takes them and puts them back on.

"Now. Tell me." his eyes eager for an answer I'm sure he already knows.

I shake my head, tauntingly, "Let's get back to the boat."

We swim back and dry off. Carl's even patient enough to wait until we get back to the chair on the topside of the boat before he starts pestering me for an answer.

The boat motor fires up again and I finally give him his answer.

I pull away after a while, "Happy?" I poke his chest.

He wraps his arm around my body, "I am now." I rest my head against his life jacket covered chest. It cushions the pounding in my skull.

I stare into nothingness and think for a while, before long my thoughts come aloud and I let Carl in on my thinking process, "I think I'm gonna go see a doctor."

I feel Carl turn to me, but I don't look up, "What?" he asks, "You were mumbling, can you repeat that?"

I clear my throat and try to speak louder, "I said I think I'm gonna get my headaches checked out. I've been stubborn long enough. I think it's finally time I went to a-"

My voice drops out, and I feel like there's little electrical shocks in my head, like all of the blood in my body moved to my head and now tingled with all the pressure. I continue to stare straight ahead, finding my eyes couldn't move. I tried to shift positions, but my limbs refused to respond. Then I could feel them like they were twitching, back to life, but I wasn't in control.

Fear raged my mind, but even that couldn't bring me into the control of my own actions. The twitching continued and all I wanted was to stop. I feel myself be turned, and in my tunnel like vision, I see Carl now. His mouth is moving, and he appears to be very scared and looks like he might be yelling, but the words do not make it to my ear drums. It's like I've been locked in a sound proof room.

Have I died? The sudden thought ravages my mind.

Have I just dropped dead and become a walker? Is this what it's like?

No. It mustn't be. There's no way.

Headaches don't kill you.

I feel my arms moving sporadically, and I fight for control, but I'm not even granted that much. All is lost as I'm taken into a blackness of nothing.

I wake up who knows how much later, but I'm not on the boat, I'm not wearing a life vest, or my swim suit, rather a large t-shirt and pajama pants. I next notice the softness of a pillow beneath my head and a mattress cushioning my body.

I start to sit up, immediately greeted by a nauseating sense of wooziness.

"Hey. Hey. Hey." good I can hear again. I think the voice is Carl's, I start to turn my head to see, but I he moves into my line of sight on his own, "Relax, don't try and sit up or anything." he gentles pushes my shoulder back down.

"The hell happened?" my throat is dry and words come out rough.

Carl's expression then becomes one of fright, "You had a seizure." by the way he says them, I know the words do not come easy to him.

I can't have heard that right, "A what?"

"Seizure, Sam. You had a seizure." I feel his hand over my own, and I begin to really start taking in more of my surroundings.

I'm in the infirmary, I can hear the beeping of machines next to me. No one else is in the room besides Carl. My mind tries to process this new information, and frankly I'm struggling to grasp the concept.

"So what did the doctor say?" obviously, some medical authority must have had to analyze me and my situation, right?

Carl grits his teeth and stares blankly, trying to find the right words, what to tell me, what to not.

"Carl."

"Sorry," he coughs to clear his throat, "She, uh, said she'd come back when you woke up. She said she had some theories, but wanted to ask you some questions to get a better idea, I tried to tell her what I could, but she said you knew you best. You have to promise to be 100% honest, Sam. You can't hold anything back. This is serious stuff, you can't try and protect me, or make it sound better than it might be. Do you understand?" I don't like the underlying desperation in his tone.

"Yeah, I get it." I grumble, "Now help me freaking sit up. Because apparently I can't do shit on my own." resentment boils in my tone, and I sound rougher than I intended.

Carl puts one hand behind my back and helps me up, and I hate every second of it. I don't need help. I can sit up on my own. More nausea tells me otherwise.

"You know this is exactly what I went through." he tells me sympathetically.

I bite back a harsh comment about how at least I have both eyes.

"It is no fun," I admit.

He looks softly at me and one hand runs through my hair, all I want to do is move and prove I'm not helpless or weak or- I try to shift my position some and I nearly throw up what little must be in my stomach.

"Told you, please just let me help." he looks me dead in the eyes.

I open my mouth to reply, but the opening door cuts me off, and both of our attentions go to the woman who appeared in the doorway.

The lady has red hair and square glasses, she gives me a warm smile as she introduces herself, "Sam, I'm glad you're awake. My name is Denise and I have a few questions for you."

I nod and she sits down in a chair beside me, on the opposite side of Carl. The weight of his hand clasping mine is enough to show he's there so I keep my head turned towards the woman, seeing as that's as much as I'm allowed to do at the moment.

She reviews what Carl already told me, about how I must be completely honest and how I can't hold anything back, "If there's anything different from usual that's happened, I need to know. This could be a considerably minor problem, or it could be potentially life threatening. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

I nod again, and take a deep breath. Here it comes.

She goes over what Carl's already told her, the headaches, the nausea, and obviously, the seizure. Then she asks how often I have the headaches and how intense they are.

"About every day," I tell her, "Some days it's just an annoying ache, but other days it's a splitting pain that makes thinking impossible."

Denise jots this down on her clipboard and then continues her questions without looking up, "Has anything else been going on? Increased fatigue, increase or aversions to your daily food consumption, behavioral changes, sensory problems- for example inexplicable vision changes, sudden short-term hearing loss, etc.?"

I think about it for a moment, "I have been feeling more tired lately... and I have had some vision issues. It's really strange, and I'm not sure this has to do with anything, but sometimes, I'll just randomly forget things, or I'll just lose the ability to concentrate. And before, that almost never happened... is that... an issue?"

Denise looks at me and then back to her paper, lips drawn to a line. That's never a good sign, "No sudden changes in behavior or mood, out of the ordinary?"

"Yes." Carl answers for me.

I turn towards him, "Really?"

"Yes." he confirms.

"Is that everything you can think of?" Denise asks

"Yeah," I nod after a moment of recalling.

Denise takes in a deep breath and looks up from her paper, "Now, I can't be for sure, not without doing some scans for sure. But it is my strongest believe that you are experiencing the symptoms that I can only narrow down to brain cancer."

I stare in horror at the doctor. She says brain cancer, but all I hear is "I'm going to die."