I kissed Narcissa Black. Lily's internal monologue was stuck on repeat. I kissed Narcissa. She kissed me! It was… amazing. A giddy smile played on her lips, unbidden. I want to kiss her again. What does that mean? I thought there would eventually be A Boy. Now… now it seems unlikely. When I kissed Mic last summer, in France, I thought… I assumed he just wasn't the right boy. Maybe there isn't a right boy for me? Merlin. What will my family think? Woah, Lily, slow down! You've only shared a few kisses. Sirius's voice intruded unpleasantly in to her mind. As good as sold to Lucius Malfoy, remember? I don't even know if Narcissa wants to date me. Although that train of thought obviously shows that I want to date her. Frustrated, Lily looked at the time. 6am. Far too early to seek out Narcissa. And there's no way I can tell Vanessa about last night. What if she can tell when she looks at me!? Oh, that's ridiculous. The heavy crimson curtains of her four-poster felt like they were closing in. I need to get out of here.
A short while later, Lily was sitting in the library, furtively slinking through the aisles. Abandoning her usual habit of collecting an armful of books and finding somewhere comfortable to read, she was pulling individual books off the shelves and skimming them with an air of wariness.
Why is there nothing here about witches who fall in love with other witches? Lily frowned. Books on everything from the 'Theory of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack' through to the Dark Arts of the Restricted Section. But nothing – nothing! – helpful this morning. Maybe I'll have more luck at the bookshop in Hogsmeade.
A snowy owl tapped on the window nearby. Lily opened it and accepted the piece of parchment it was carrying. Immediately the owl took wing back to the Owlery.
L,
I need to talk about yesterday. I am sorry I panicked. There are things I need to tell you about me, about my family. Please, give me a chance to apologise properly and explain? If you never want to see me again, I understand. If you're interested, I'll be waiting, same time and place as yesterday.
N.
A whole day to wait!? Lily slid the last unhelpful book back on the shelves. Ugh, at least I can go to Hogsmeade in the meantime.
"Lily?"
"Sev! It's been a while." Lily dropped the book she was holding, and turned to her ex-best-friend. He picked up her book.
"Failsafe Charms to Charm Witches? Really, Lily, is Potter getting so bad you need to study his moves beforehand for defence?" The dark-haired boy smirked.
"What do you want, Severus?"
"My my, we are nervous, aren't we? Why so jumpy?"
"None of your business. You no longer have any say in my life, Severus. You made that clear the day you called me a mudblood."
"You know I've apologised time and time again for that, Lily."
"I know. I don't hate you, but I still can't trust you." Severus stared from her to the book, and his normally narrowed eyes opened wide.
"Finally figured it out, have you?" His voice was cold. "Why Potter never could get your attention?"
"What are you talking about?" Lily stepped back, stopping when she bumped in to the shelves.
"It'll get you both killed, you fool." Behind his cold reserve, Lily could see a glimmer of the friendship they once shared.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." She muttered.
"I noticed years ago, Lily. I know Muggles don't approve. In some ways the Wizarding World is even more traditional than Muggles. This is one of them. At best, her family will force her into a suitable marriage. At worst, if you run away together? You'll both be facing a one-way trip to St. Mungos - or even Azkaban. You'd have to snap your wand and hide to stand a chance." Lily stared at him in horror.
"You're lying." She was shaking as though ice-water had just been thrown over her.
"Not about this. I had hoped I was wrong about you." His expression was troubled. "For the sake of our old friendship, I won't say a word." He grabbed her shoulders. "Lily, Lily, you're panicking. Breathe. Look at me. Breathe." His voice was low. "We can't keep talking about this, certainly not here." Lily clutched blindly at his shoulders.
"Is she okay?" The shop-keeper's voice intruded as he walked up to them.
"She's fine, thank you Sir. Got some bad news from home. I'm just going to take her outside and get her something warm to drink."
"Good lad. You keep an eye on her. Looks like she's seen a ghost."
Lily was vaguely aware of Severus guiding her outside the store and back towards Hogwarts. Partway there he walked over to a fallen tree and sat down on the trunk, and she joined him.
"I wasn't wrong, was I?" Numbly, she shook her head. Severus sighed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I hoped you'd never need to know." He pulled her in to a hug, like old times when they were children, only this time it was Lily who was sobbing uncontrollably.
Sniffling, Lily eventually let him go and sat up.
"Sorry, Sev."
"It's okay." He glanced at his pocket-watch. "Look, it's getting on in the morning. People will be coming down from the Castle soon."
"You'd best get going. Even if I don't like your Slytherin friends, I'm glad you've found people who appreciate you."
"One could say that." He added darkly. Placing his hands on Lily's hips, he set her on her feet. When did Sev get so strong? She marvelled. Oh, if only things could have been different between us. Looking in to his eyes, she saw the same sadness that had been there since the day they were thirteen and had kissed in the park one summer. He knew before I did. Lily could feel her expression faltering, and took a deep breath.
"What am I supposed to do?" She wondered out loud. "The more I think about it, the more I am certain that this is where my heart is. With women." She smiled. "That's the first time I've said it out loud. I fancy women." Severus frowned.
"Don't say that out loud, Lily." He warned. "You never know who may be watching. Men like Goyle and Lestrange wouldn't think twice about 'teaching' you differently." The disgust in his voice was plain. "Their Pureblood status protects them. Nothing in the Wizarding World protects you, or the lucky girl who's making you smile like that. I've heard even Dumbledore faced those rumours when he was younger. There was no proof, but he still had to take Veritaserum before they'd employ him at Hogwarts."
"So I have to snap my wand and live as a muggle outcast, or marry any wizard who'll have me?"
"You'll hate me for this, Lily. But as for 'what you should do?' Marry a man who loves you, and learn to be happy." He glanced around, and then kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I'm here, if you'll have me."
"Sev! Sev, no, I couldn't. Lying to you like that? Never to you." She pushed him away.
"I've got to go." His voice was carefully moderated. "I know I've never been who you wanted, but at least I know, and I care for you. You can trust me to keep your secret. Be careful, Lily, please." Severus stalked off back in to town, shoulders hunched and wand drawn.
"Professor Dumbledore?" What in Merlin's name am I doing? "Professor?"
"Come in, Miss Evans. How may I help you?"
"I have some questions. For a friend."
"Certainly. Please, have a seat." With a wave of his hand Dumbledore closed the door behind her and drew a chair to his desk. "What is on your mind?"
"I hope I'm not being impolite, sir, but I wanted to ask you something."
"By all means, ask away. Whether I'll answer remains to be seen." He smiled, steepling his fingers.
"I overheard a couple talking in Hogsmeade, this morning," she began, "I'd knelt down in the bookstore to tie my boot-laces, and I don't think they realised I was there. They – they said that in the Wizarding World that relationships between two men, or two women, are forbidden." Why is he staring at me like that? So intently. I can't seem to look away. Surely he can't tell? Images of Narcissa flashed across her mind: soft lips, gentle hands … focus. Don't slip up. "It's different for muggles. Certainly not accepted, but not… punishable." Don't blush.
"One of them said that … well, that it would be better for those sort of people to marry properly, to someone kind, and try to be happy with that."
"And what do you believe, Miss Evans?"
"I don't know, Professor. I'd never thought about it before last – before this morning. It seems barbaric to me, denying people to love whom they love. As wrong as the logic that Purebloods should only marry Purebloods."
"Then you have your answer, Miss Evans."
"Professor, I heard that as a young man you faced that sort of rumours."
"I did. Miss Evans, rumours of Azkaban have a basis in fact. That is all I shall say on the topic."
"I won't ask anything further about that, but… hypothetically, for my friend, what would you advise someone in such a situation to do?" His eyes are such a piercing blue. I feel like I'm being x-rayed. Lily shifted uncomfortably on her seat as she waited for a reply.
"I would suggest, Miss Evans, that such a person should weigh up very carefully their options. And also that they should be very sure about the path they and their lover are choosing. In the Wizarding World, and even in the Muggle world, that is not a decision to be made lightly, or in haste. Some paths may be harder than others, however that does not make them impossible."
"Thank you, Professor." Dumbledore rose, and the classroom door opened.
"Miss Evans?"
"Yes, Professor?"
"I hope for your sake she is worth the risk. Sometimes there are risks that need to be taken, but I would advise such a person to be extremely careful. Do I make myself clear?"
"I think so. Thank you." With a smile, Lily left.
Lily breathed a deep sigh of relief when she met Narcissa sitting underneath the clock tower bells.
"I know why you ran away." Lily greeted her.
"Who told you?" Narcissa stiffened.
"Severus. It's okay. We've been friends for years. He only had to look at me to know."
"Oh."
"And – I spoke to Professor Dumbledore."
"DUMBLEDORE!?" Narcissa pulled away. "What were you thinking?"
"That Professor Dumbledore could fill in the gaps I couldn't bear to hear you say." The deadly seriousness in Lily's voice drew Narcissa back. "How could you live with that knowledge and still kiss me?"
"I thought you knew." She leant against Lily. "I never meant to… it was never my intention. I didn't ask you up here last night for that, I just wanted to talk. I'm betrothed to a Malfoy! I've spent so little time with you, and I already feel as though I've known you for years. I've admired you for years! I told myself it was just because you are so fiery and courageous, and I'm quite the opposite. Always protected by Lucius and overshadowed by Bella." Her voice broke. "Then you sat next to me in Charms, and I couldn't look at you for blushing. You held me while I cried in the Library, and I – I knew. I realised that the feelings that I've had towards you, in the past towards other girls… that they are not feelings a young woman is expected to have."
"Oh, Narcissa."
"My family will kill me. If you'd seen my Mother and Father when they'd learnt about Romi … Merlin. I will be lucky to end up in Azkaban. Why is it that Sirius may do as he likes, and yet my future was locked in before I was ten years old?" Tears streamed down her face. "Romi is the only one I could even consider talking to, and she's gone!"
"Shhh, shhh." Lily wrapped her arms around Narcissa tightly. "You can talk to me."
Narcissa shifted, her body weight pinning Lily to the ground. Merlin, Lily thought, feeling the curves of the blonde girl's body press against her own. This must be what all the girls talk about feeling with their boyfriends. All attempts at thought failed as Narcissa kissed her passionately, one hand in her hair and the other on her shoulder. The two girls continued to kiss and slowly learn each other's curves through their robes, their kisses and hands becoming more insistent.
"Narcissa," Lily managed to gasp her name between kisses, surprised by how different her voice sounded. Narcissa's blue eyes were locked on hers, and she paused. "Narcissa, I'm not ready for where I think this may be going." Narcissa surprised her by giggling.
"Me neither." Narcissa kissed her again. "I like it, though." She whispered in the red-head's ear. Lily smiled at the change from shy girl to a mischievous young woman.
"I think – you can tell – I like it." She stuttered. It's a good thing I'm not a boy, Lily thought, laughing mentally. "I think – you need – to move." Lily was staring at the smooth, creamy skin of Narcissa's legs revealed by her crumpled skirt and robes. Judging by the satisfied smirk on the other girl's face, Narcissa was now fully aware of just what she was doing.
"Definitely." Her face was scarlet now, and she noticed Narcissa's breathing was short like her own. "Sorry. I, uh, got a little carried away?" She sat up, straightening her clothes.
"I think we both did." Lily's smile was crooked. "Look, let's be honest: we're still getting to know each other." Narcissa nodded. "This is new, and, and amazing, but honestly? I need to slow down."
"Technically, I'm engaged. Lily, what are we going to do?"
"Why don't we just say we're friends? Spend more time together outside class, that way. I am still your Charms tutor, after all. Maybe go to Hogsmeade some time?"
"We can take things a little more slowly." Narcissa's smile was kind. "I fancy you, and I am getting the impression you feel the same about me…?" Her voice trailed off.
"You know I do. But this isn't something either of us can really afford to have known. Or that we can make a decision on right now. It's a huge thing, for me as well. As much as I enjoyed that," Lily smiled shyly, "this is too dangerous for both of us to take lightly, or merely physically. I want to spend more time with you."
"So it's settled: we date!" Narcissa cuddled her, and just as quickly let her go. She cleared her throat, blushing. "Sorry, best lay off that for tonight."
"Dating sounds wonderful." Lily kissed her on the cheek. "I am looking forward to learning all sorts of things about you, Narcissa!"