Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all.
"Narcissa. Happy Birthday, darling. How lovely you look this evening." Lucius kissed her on the cheek, and Narcissa smiled vapidly, smoothing imaginary creases out of her dress. "Such a pleasure you could join us at the Manor." He continued, pressing a more lingering kiss on her other cheek before sliding his arm possessively around her waist and guiding them in to the ballroom. Narcissa instantly assumed a haughty, aloof expression. Please let this night end. She begged silently as they made their rounds as a couple. I feel like a doll. She thought. Smile, Narcissa. Curtsey, Narcissa. Be a good pureblood, Narcissa. She felt a sneer playing across her features, and hurriedly smiled at an offended looking old dame.
"Lucius, may we get some air? I'm feeling a little lightheaded."
"At once, my dear." Narcissa startled at the openly amorous tone to his voice, glancing around with a frown. Lucius had his lips to her ear as he spoke, and she gracefully pulled away under the pretence of making for the courtyard. Ugh, he gets worse every visit home. I don't know how Lily deals with James. She walked and stood inside an arbour, enjoying the refreshing air. She could see Lucius making her excuses, then striding across the lawn. She stood stock-still as Lucius wrapped his arms around her. "Have I told you how stunning you look tonight, Narcissa?" He whispered silkily. I must admit, were I any other kind of witch... Narcissa looked up at him, knowing what was coming. Lucius's lips met hers. Think of Lily, think of Lily, think of Lily... but Lily doesn't have stubble, and she's not this tall – no! Concentrate. Fighting her instincts, Narcissa leant in to his embrace. Encouraged, Lucius kissed her neck, and let one of his hands slide up to her chest. Unconsciously she edged away, feeling a trellis wall against her back. Think of Lily.
Taking a deep breath, she pulled Lucius flush against her, uncomfortably aware of the lust in his eyes. Their kisses were deepening, hands in hair. You have to do this, Narcissa. You're sixteen now. You can't put him off much longer. Focus. Things continued to heat up. Merlin! What the hell – OH. Narcissa suddenly aware of something hard pressed against her, and panicked. Wrenching herself away from Lucius she bolted to the opposite side of the arbour and stared at him with wide eyes.
"Lucius!" His blue eyes were heavy-lidded with lust. He strode over and kissed her again.
"You're right, love, we should take this somewhere else." Narcissa shuddered uncontrollably. I should have known this would happen eventually.
"Lucius!" She repeated insistently, pushing him away.
"We've getting married in a year, Narcissa. It's all arranged. There's no harm." His breath was warm on her face, matching his kisses. "I think it's time, don't you?" He pulled her firmly against him. "You know I love you." Narcissa was trembling. Mistaking it for nerves, Lucius stroked her hair and placed a light kiss on her forehead. He took her hand.
Oh, Lily. My dear, beautiful Lily. Is this how you feel with James? I think you enjoy his touch, even though you don't love him the way you do me. I can't stall with Lucius anymore. Mother has already hinted I need to bed the boy and be done with it. Seal the deal. Narcissa's thoughts were bitter. I can do this. I have to. Lucius treats me well – I am sure he will be gentle with me. Merlin. Breathe, Cissa, breathe. Just another week of holidays and you'll see Lily again. Detached, she noticed she was following Lucius through the Manor halls. Dimly she recognised the silver decor of his bedroom, and his hands unlacing her dress. She closed her eyes. If I have to do this, I can at least try to enjoy it. I don't want to think of Lily. I need to put that aside for now, and focus on my – my fiancé.
Opening her eyes, she met Lucius's appreciative gaze. With a delicate smile, she stepped out of her dress and in to his arms.
James and Lily were facing the same predicament those summer holidays.
Narcissa, I know we talked about this. That you and Lucius... and James and I... but I wasn't expecting to enjoy it. Lily's handwriting curved across a much-blotted parchment, full of scribbled out confessions. It's not the same – but it's not horrible, either. The more comfortable I become around him – I do care for him, but I'm not sure if these new feelings are enough ... I'm so confused. I don't know what to think. Boys never caught my eye, but neither did girls until I met you. I can't help but think perhaps, if I tried, James could make me happy? I don't know, Narcissa. I wish you were here.
"'Ello." Lily vanished the parchment with a flick of her wand. James leant in her doorway. He walked in, sitting beside her on the bed. "No-one answered the door. Sorry if I startled you." His apology was a peck on the cheek.
"James." Lily smiled warmly, feeling the usual sour twinge of guilt in her stomach. "No, my parents are in London for the day."
"Oh really?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Lily whacked him with a pillow. James fought back, and soon the two were giggling and entwined on the bed. Lily had James pinned underneath her, straddling his hips. They were both catching their breath.
"James?" Doe-eyed, Lily kissed him.
"Yeah, Lily?" His gaze was tender, and loving. I'm so sorry, Narcissa. Somehow I don't think Lucius makes you feel this way. But I ... want him. In response, Lily tugged James's shirt up and over his head, pausing momentarily as she took in his flat chest. "Like what you see?" Despite his cocky tone, the Potter's voice was hoarse. Lily's only response was to smirk as she reached for his jeans.
"Narcissa, you've been dancing around me for weeks now!" Lily's eyes were wild. "What happened to you?" The room of requirement was sombre in black and grey.
"I've been avoiding you? Really?" Narcissa's voice echoed from the bedroom. "So you don't flinch when I kiss you? You haven't pulled away each time I've tried to touch you?" Her voice was harsh, and a bystander would be forgiven for thinking the Black family had Veela blood.
Lily paled.
"I – I didn't think you'd noticed. I didn't want you to notice." Narcissa ignored her.
"You want to know what happened to me? Lucius happened. I did my 'duty' by my family, and by my fiancé." Sparks shot from the end of her wand, smouldering on the carpet. "Wanting nothing more than to be with you." Her eyes were narrowed. "I come back here, to the girl I love, who keeps ignoring me to spend time with a boy. Then she asks me what my problem is?" Lily was forcibly reminded of Bellatrix as Narcissa began to laugh – an uncanny, unbalanced cackle.
"You're right." She said softly. Narcissa choked back a sob.
"Did you really think I wouldn't know, Lily? That I wouldn't see the way you've looked at him since you've been back this Summer?"
"I love you." Lily sat next to her on the floor.
"I know you do." Narcissa laughed again, thin shoulders shaking. "But don't lie to me, Lily. You feel something for him. Maybe it's not fiery passion – maybe it is – but I'm not blind."
"I slept with him." Lily blurted out. "I wanted him. Narci-" she was cut off.
"Get out." Narcissa stood, her wand pointed directly at Lily's chest. The redhead scrambled to her feet, hand on her own wand. Narcissa looked completely deranged. Wisely, Lily walked backwards to the door and slipped out of the room. Her last glance of Narcissa showed the broken girl weeping inconsolably on the floor.
"We need to talk." Lily finally found Narcissa, several days later, hiding up on the clock tower. "Narcissa?" The blonde turned around, enchanting the area for privacy.
"Lily." She said stiffly.
"I know I hurt you. I am so sorry." Narcissa held up a hand to stop her talking.
"I am so scared I'll lose you, Lily. We've been sneaking around now for over a year. I knew that eventually I would have to do my duty by Lucius. But you? You openly admitted you're attracted to James. What am I supposed to think? I've never been attracted to any man. If you've got feelings for James, then we need to talk about that." She sniffed. "Romi promised me that when we graduate, if we still feel the same, she'll do what she can to help us leave Wizarding society, and Britain." She took a deep breath. "If that's not something you want – if I'm not the person you want – please just tell me."
"I love you, Narcissa." Tears streaked down Lily's face. "But James – he paints this picture of our life together. Marriage. Buying a house in Godric's Hollow. Raising our children, seeing them off to Hogwarts for the first time. He's been in love with me for years! He's so… so safe. This past summer… it drove me crazy that Lucius could have your company. I know it doesn't make it right, but I just wanted to not feel alone."
"All I can offer you is exile and disgrace." Narcissa ran her hands through her hair, slicking it back. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about Romi's offer last year. I didn't believe it proper to promise you that when it may not come to pass." She sat on the ground, and Lily nestled in beside her.
"I love you. And I – I love James, but differently. So differently. I didn't know how to tell you, because I don't want to lose you. I wish you'd told me about Romi's offer. I would never have let things go so far." Lily sniffed. "I'm so confused. It's like, when we're in here all I can think about is you, Narcissa! And then the minute we walk outside I have to pretend that we're mere acquaintances! I have to play the good girlfriend of James Potter, the girl who doesn't look twice at Miss. Black."
"I believe the engagement ring on my finger prevents me from replying to that." Narcissa twirled the offending item on her finger. The two girls sat in silence until Lily stilled Narcissa's hands with her own.
"What happened with Lucius? He didn't – he didn't hurt you, did he? Hey, hey, look at me, dear one."
"He didn't force me." Narcissa choked out. "I did my duty as his future wife, and he was very considerate. That's all it is to me, Lily. A thing to be done so that no-one suspects I'm anything more than I ought to be."
"Oh, Narcissa. Come here." Arms tightened around the blonde girl. "I didn't realise it was so bad for you." Narcissa laughed softly, reading between the lines.
"And there's my answer. Lily, I can't do this anymore. With you. Like this." Dark circles under her eyes made her appear even paler than normal. Her arms were crossed, and she kept her defensive position as Lily stepped closer. "You're not like me." Her voice was soft, and sad. "You have a chance at a real life with James, Lily. I love you too much to keep that from you." She sighed heavily. "I know you love me. But I can't offer you a home, or a family, or a life... James can, and will. As you said, he's been crazy about you for years." Lily opened her mouth to reply, but Narcissa cut her off. "You can't change my mind. This is what's best for both of us." She laughed softly. "I think it's best that we go our separate ways, while we still can. Please, I'm begging you. Don't make this harder than it already is." Her eyes said everything Lily already knew.
"What! Narcissa, why are you doing this? No, I will end things with James! It doesn't have to be this way. You said it yourself, Romi will help us when the time comes!"
"Yet we'll never be free. That's no life for either of us. I would prefer we part as – friends." The last word was muffled as Lily kissed her girlfriend, trying to convey every bit of passion in one kiss. For a moment Narcissa wavered, and then steeled her resolve. She pushed a crying Lily away. "Stop. Lily, I love you with all my heart. But this is never going to work. Be happy with James. Don't come after me, please." She placed her hand on Lily's cheek, and the crying girl felt the cool metal of Lucius's engagement band.
"But I love you. I know I messed up this summer, and I'm sorry. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Please, please don't do this."
"Lily. I can't marry Lucius dreaming of you." The finality in her tone left Lily stunned. With one last, lingering kiss, Narcissa strode out of the clock tower. When James found his girlfriend half an hour later, all Lily could do was cry. The Potter boy held her tightly until she calmed down, concern written all over his face as he looked at his future wife.
Sirius was the only one who recognised a certain young woman in the pews at the Potter-Evans wedding reception. She'd changed her hair and eye colour, and dressed as a muggle, but that didn't fool him.
"Narcissa? What are you doing here?"
"Sirius!" Narcissa's hand flew to her wand, but Sirius was faster.
"I repeat, cousin, what are you doing here?"
"I – Lily and I were friends, at Hogwarts. Dumbledore passed along an invitation." Annoyed, she regained her haughty posture. "What's it to you, anyway?" Sirius was startled at her defensiveness.
"Nothing. I was just surprised." He sat next to her at the table, and for a moment thought he saw a flicker of gratitude on her face. "... please, don't tell her I came." Not even Sirius could resist that face. "I just wanted to make sure she's – happy." Indeed, Lily was positively glowing with joy and contentment, hand-in-hand with her husband. Sirius looked at her sharply, and his eyes widened as certain memories clicked in to place.
"You love her." A simple, quiet statement.
"Do you want my husband to curse you? I assure you, it would be quite easy."
"I'll take that as a 'yes.'" Sirius was unusually subdued. "... you married Lucius for her sake, didn't you? Oh, Narcissa."
"Don't you 'oh, Narcissa,' me, Sirius."
"I must say, I've never seen the Evans appeal."
"How lovely for you." The two sat in silence, watching James and Lily on the dance floor.
"Narcissa... I know we've never been close, but if you need anything..."
"Don't, Sirius. I have Draco, and Lucius loves me. I am... content. Please, don't tell her I was here." Sirius could see her composure wavering. "I must go, my husband will be expecting me home."
Lucius arrived home that night to the pleasing image of his beautiful wife singing to herself as she stepped out of the shower. He kissed her softly, noting that for the first time she didn't hesitate to kiss him back. "It's been a while since I've heard you so happy, my love."
"I went to the Potter wedding today." She admitted. "I know they're hardly what one would call proper society, but I knew Potter's wife at Hogwarts." Lucius waited. "They seem very happy together."
"I am at a loss, Narcissa, as to why you would want to go to such an event! However if it makes you happy, this once..." He trailed off, finishing his sentence with a kiss.
"It was merely pleasant to see such a display of love. Such light in her eyes..." She leant in to her husband's embrace. "I am happy, Lucius. I have you, and Draco, and everything is as it needs to be." She smiled.
Later that night, Narcissa gazed at her sleeping husband. He had turned away from her, and the glow from the fireplace lent a rosy hue to his hair. For a moment, Narcissa could almost imagine Lily was in bed beside her. She smiled, closed her eyes, and fell asleep.
That night, like every other, she dreamed of Lily.