Unedited, unpolished, written just for the hell of it and my own messed up amusement; here is chapter 15, dear readers.
Normally I say in my author's notes "I need advice, please tell me what I should work on" yada, yada, yada. Not for this chapter. This chapter is completely random, completely messed up, and I don't even care how horrible the writing is, because I had a shit ton of fun writing this and it makes me laugh every time I either read it, or watch the movie it's based off of.
Now then, as I stated in the last chapter, this is The Princess Bride. For those of you who are unaware, this move/book is an epic tale about two lovers who are separated, pushed together again, separated, pushed together, and finally, live on happily. I think. The story ends with them being happy, but one guy in their group has been stabbed in the gut, another is a fugitive pirate, another is a traitor to the king, and the main character, Buttercup, is supposed to be marrying the prince but she ends up not doing so. Things obviously don't go well for them later on.
But that's not the point! Mainly because there is no point, but still! I have written this chapter because I am insane, and I wanted to be an idiotic crack writer for some odd reason. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy this very strange telling of the story, The Princess Bride, with the cast of Is there an Elephant in the Room as the main characters. However, if you really don't want to read 20 pages of crack, then just skip to the end where Roxas wakes up after passing out drunk and says something very entertaining to Axel XD
And yes, I was lazy... I skipped a lot of the movie, but come on! The script itself was 50 pages... I could do that to myself... *sigh* I tried to make it humorous though XD If you guys want, in the next chapter I'll post a list of who is who, especially for the people who don't know this movie very well XD
So please, enjoy, review, and I'll see you guys next week!
~Sunechirei
Full chapter title: I dream of The Princess Bride
"A book? You're giving me a book?"
"That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you."
"Has it got any sports in it?"
"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles."
"It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake."
"Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by X. Ansem. Chapter One. Kairi was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin."
"Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Sora, but she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?"
"Yeah. It's really good"
"Nothing gave Kairi as much pleasure as ordering Sora around."
A young girl with unbrushed, reddish brown hair, mangy clothing, and looking to be in her late teens, was leading a horse by the reigns towards a stable. The grass she passed through was a color of green that made emeralds jealous, with beautifully trees surrounding the broken down stable. Mountains surrounded the building, keeping it entrapped in a valley of lush plants and wonderful paths for horse riding. Equal in beauty was this girl, Kairi, and she walked haughtily up to the stable boy and held out the reigns for him to take.
"Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning," she scoffed. The boy watched her slowly with his blue eyes, brown hair falling in his face.
"As you wish," he said to her, quietly. She turns up her nose and walks away, unaware that the amazingly handsome man is watching her every move.
"'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."
The farm boy was standing outside the hut one day, chopping pieces of wood, when Kairi once again strode up to him, holding out buckets of water.
"Farm Boy. Fill these with water," she said, placing the buckets on the ground. As he stared at her she hesitantly added, "please?" Sora nodded.
"As you wish." Flushing slightly, Kairi turned quickly and headed off, unawares of the eyes locked onto her. Suddenly, she stops and turns around to face Sora again, and he averts his eyes as Kairi stares at him.
"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish," what he meant was, 'I love you.'"
In the Kitchen of Kairi's home, a few days later, Kairi stands alone, washing dishes when Sora walks in, firewood carried under his arm. The girl turns to him, a longing look in her eyes, and she watches him place the wood near the fire place.
"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."
"Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher," Kairi nearly whispered, pointing towards something she could reach herself. With a nod, Sora strode over and then slowly, reaches for it and hands it to her, standing abnormally close to her, and is gazing into her eyes.
"As you wish." Without another word, he turned and headed outside again.
Suddenly, the two young adults are outside a tiny hovel, the glowing sunset behind them. Sora's hands are wrapped around Kairi's pulling her closer to him as he kisses her, and she was-
"-hold it, hold it-"
"What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
"Wait, just wait-"
"- well, when does it get good?"
"Keep your shirt on. Let me read; Sora had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."
"It was a very emotional time for Kairi-"
" I don't be-leeve this."
"I fear I'll never see you again," Kairi whispered, holding Sora's hand with great love as the two of them stood outside of his hut.
"Of course you will," Sora replied, a sack slung over his shoulder.
Looking up at him with fear in her eyes, Kairi said, "But what if something happens to you?" Sora let out a hearty chuckle, but stroked his lover's cheek in a comforting gesture.
"Hear this now," he said to her, "I will come for you."
"But how can you be sure?"
Sora shot her a toothy grin. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?" Unable to control herself, Kairi smiles as well before throwing his arms around him and kissing him passionately.
"Sora didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Kairi got the news that Sora was murdered-"
"- murdered by pirates is good-"
"She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate."
"I will never love again." Kairi's voice lacked all emotion as she sat, her face filled with sadness, in Sora's hut. It seemed as though she were going to cry.
"Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Riku's bride-to be."
It was a new day, a new year, and the sun was shining down upon a silver-haired prince. He stood upon a balcony, his elderly parents behind him, as well as a young woman clad in men's clothes. The prince raised his hand to speak.
"My people... a month from now, our country will have its five hundredth anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves," Riku paused for a second before continuing, "but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?" The crowd let out a single chorus of "yes," before holding their breath. "My people... the Princess Kairi!" Riku exclaimed, as Kairi walked into the courtyard, clad in a beautiful white dress.
Completely silent, the crowd fell to their knees in a worshiping way, as Kairi stood amongst them, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall.
"Kairi's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Riku the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Riku's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."
Kairi's horse dashed down the path, miles away from any form of civilization, even the castle. As she rode, she breathed in the scent of the trees that surrounded her, the wind blowing through her hair. Suddenly, she pulls on the reigns of her horse, stopping it almost immediately.
"A word, my lady?"
Three men were standing in a row, the Florin Channel rushing behind them. The one who spoke stood nearest to Kairi, short, with sandy blonde hair and green eyes. Next to him was a slightly taller man, standing proudly with a sense of sadness hiding in the blue eyes that were nearly covered by blond locks, but the most peculiar of all was the third man, with his flaming red hair, tall skinny figure, and strange tattoos under his eyes.
"We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" The first man said again, stepping forward. Kairi shook her head and glanced around.
"There is nothing nearby; not for miles," she offered in a kind voice. The gentle look on his face turned to one of pure malice.
"Then there will be no one to hear you scream-" With a nod to the tall redhead, he turned around as the tall man grabbed a nerve on Kairi's neck. She attempted to scream, but passes out before she can.
A curtain of black fell over the world for a few seconds, before lifting to reveal Kairi and the three men. They were standing by a dock, a boat in the background. The smaller of the three held up a uniform and began ripping the insignia off of it. The blond raised an eyebrow before asking;
"What is that you're ripping?"
Without stopping, the leader of the three replied, "It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder." He placed the symbol on the horse with a satisfied look on his face.
"Who's Guilder?" The red-head queried, shifting the girl over his shoulder.
"The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin," the leader replied impatiently as he slapped the horse. "Go!" With a whiny, the horse took off toward his stable. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed." The man, Hayner said with a sneer. He strutted onto the boat without another care in the world, but Axel, the red-head, seemed to have a problem with it.
"You never said anything about killing anyone," he muttered, placing Kairi down on the boat.
"I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition." There was nothing nice about Hayner's voice as he said this.
"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl," Axel replied standing up straight and turned, only to find Hayner glaring at him furiously.
"Am I going mad or did the word 'think' escape your lips?" He spat, "You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass." The third man had been silent the entire time, but now, he decided to speak.
"I agree with Axel."
Hayner's face became abnormally contorted, and his voice began rising octaves as he screeched at his subordinate. "Oh. The sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern! I will kill her." He continued to get louder as he advanced on the swordsman, "And remember this- never forget this; when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!" Without hesitating, he rounded on Axel who retreated as much as possible. "And you; friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greenland?"
As Hayner stalked off, the swordsman leaned over to Axel. "That Hayner, he can fuss," he whispered softly. Axel allowed a flirtatious grin to spread across his face.
"Fuss... fuss... " he muttered to himself, glancing out over the water, "I think he likes to scream at us."
Laughing, Roxas leaned against the boat without any worries in the world. "Probably he means no harm."
"He's really very short on charm."
"You've got an amazing gift for rhyme," Roxas said proudly. Axel smiled again and wrapped his arm around Roxas before saying;
"Yeah, most of the time."
With a growl, Hayner turned towards them and hissed, "Enough of that!"
"Axel, are there rocks ahead?" Roxas chirped.
"If there are, we'll all be dead!"
"No more rhymes now, I mean it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"
"Look! He's right on top of us!"
The rising sun lit up the boat that sailed silently on the lake, revealing the three men and Kairi, who was drenched, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. See, after waking up on the boat, Kairi decided to try and escape by jumping into the water and swimming away. What she didn't know, is that there were flesh eating eels in the lake, so she had to be rescued by Axel or she would have died.
"I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using."
Now, there was another boat following them, and catching up quickly. Roxas seemed to be very worried about this, but Hayner acted as though he could care less. "Whoever he is, he's too late," he scoffed, pointing towards something in the distance, "see? The Cliffs of Insanity!"
Large cliffs protruded out of the horizon, towering over all the world. Kairi huddled back against the wooden panel of the ship, trembling slightly and Roxas put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, despite Hayner yelling at him and Axel to get everything ready.
"Hurry up. Move the thing! Um ... that other thing. Move it!" The four landed on a small island as-
"He didn't fall? In...con...ceivable...?" Hayner started out screeching, but his voice faltered a bit when he realized that he, Roxas, Axel, and Kairi were suddenly at the top of the cliffs. "Um... weren't we just-"
"You keep using that word," Roxas said, turning to Hayner, "I don't think it means what you think it does." He looked down the cliff as though nothing strange were happening. "My God! He's climbing!"
A man, the one who was on the boat, was slowly climbing the wall, sometimes moving up an inch, and other times a foot at a time. Completely forgetting his previous confusing, Hayner let out a frustrated hiss and growled, "Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die." He hit Axel in the arm, "You, carry her." Then to Roxas "We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword."
Roxas nodded. After Hayner, Axel, and Kairi had left, Roxas looked down the cliff at the man in black. After a small, meaningless conversation that dealt with swearing on a father's grave, leaning about a golden eyed woman, being told about the most amazing sword in the world, and allowing the man in black to rest, the two men finally stood up, drawing their swords.
"Well, I certainly hope you find her, someday," the man in black mused, meaning the six-fingered woman.
"You're ready, then?"
The man in black smiled, "Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair."
Falling into a fighting stance, Roxas returned the expression. "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."
"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die," was Roxas' reply as he took a few steps back.
"Begin!"
Without a second's hesitation, the two men began to attack, teasing each other with small attacks and defenses, testing each other's abilities, before they finally began to completely fight, leading into an epic battle. Roxas' eyes were wide with excitement and thrill.
"You're using Bonetti's defense against me!" He exclaimed. The man in black seemed to be having just as much fun.
"I thought it was fitting, considering the rocky terrain."
"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro," Roxas said, shifting his style slightly as the two begin to climb a few rocky stairs.
"Naturally," for a second the man seemed to be struggling, but that soon ended when his style changed, "but I find Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?"
"Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa-" Roxas jumped off his perch with great ease, flipping over the man in black as though he did it every day of his life. "-which I have," he added after landing gracefully, facing his opponent. The two continue their epic battle, neither being able to gain complete advantage. Soon, the two are making their way towards the edge of the cliff, but Roxas was extremely excited.
"You're amazing!" He exclaimed.
With a chuckle, the man in black takes a small bow before continuing his advances. "Thanks- I've worked hard to become so." The cliff edge was drawing ever closer, a daunting fall awaited any who came near it, and at that moment, it was Roxas who was going to fall. However, he had a wide smile on his face.
"Well, you're certainly better than me," he grinned, parrying a particularly nasty blow.
"Then why are you smiling?"
"Because I know something you don't know."
"And what is that?"
"I am not left-handed."
The rest of the battle went something like this;
Roxas began to fight with his right hand, but he soon finds out that the man in black isn't left handed either, and is soon beaten after an interesting battle that is too complex to write out in words. It ended with Roxas asking the man in black to kill him quickly, but as the mysterious said, it would be a shame to kill an artist such as Roxas, so instead he just got knocked out. The man ran off after Hayner, Axel, and Kairi. Soon after, Prince Riku and his men (and um... woman) arrive at the scene.
"There was a mighty duel-" Riku said haughtily, practically dancing across the clearing in an attempt to follow the 'mighty duel,' "it ranged all over. They were both masters."
Next to him, the woman with brown hair and gold eyes rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Who won? How did it end?" It was obvious she wasn't really interested, but Riku didn't really notice as he made his way towards to place where Roxas had fallen unconscious.
"The loser ran off alone..." he said before pointing in the direction that his prey went. "The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!"
With a sigh, the woman looked to where the prince was pointing. "Shall we track them both?" She asked without interest.
"Of course not, Ellie! The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters," he shot a smile at the woman then turned to the warriors with a serious face. "Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead."
"Don't you think this is a trap?"
"I always think everything could be a trap," Riku replied, vaulting onto his horse in a very painful looking way. "How do you think I'm still alive?" He galloped off without waiting for an answer, but Ellie replied anyway.
"I don't know, by making paper cranes?" All of the warriors snickered.
"So, it is down to you. And it is down to me."
The man in black blinked with confusion, looking around as if he had no idea where he was. That would make sense, of course, as he had just beaten an amazing swordsman at fencing and now he was in the middle of a random field with Hayner sitting at a flat rock with Kairi, blindfolded, next to him. On the rock rested two goblets. Deciding to ignore the strange change of scenery, the man takes a step forward.
"If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward," Hayner sneered, pushing a knife in his hand against Kairi's throat.
"Let me explain... if I can."
"There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen." Hayner let out an annoying laugh.
"Right, well, perhaps an arrangement can be reached." Taking another step forward, he held up his hands in defense.
"There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!" Kairi squeaked at the pain that came from having a knife jabbed into her neck. The man in black stopped moving in an instant, biting his lip in what seemed like fear.
"But if there can be no arrangement," the man began slowly, "then we are at an impasse."
"I'm afraid so - I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains." The man in black seemed amused by how full of himself Hayner was.
"You're that smart?"
Hayner let out a laugh, slapping his knee, "Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"
"Um... let's go with yes."
"Well, they're morons!" Hayner continued to laugh, but faltered after a second when he realized that the man in black only stared at him with an amused expression. However, he did notice something about the man, and that was his eyes kept flickering to the princess clad in red. However, he tried to hide it, and instead sat down slowly.
"Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits," the man in black said.
With a smile, Hayner leaned forward slightly, "For the Princess?" The Man In Black nodded. "To the death?" Again, he nodded. "I accept."
"Good," the man said, waving toward to two goblets on the rock. "Then pour the wine."
Hayner reached forward and grabbed the goblets, and the bottle of wine, pouring a deep red liquid into the cups as the man in black reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet.
"Inhale this, but do not touch," the man warned, holding out the packet for Hayner to take. He took it, and took a small whiff before laughing and handing it back.
"I smell nothing."
"What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man." Hayner watched excitedly as the man in black took the two goblets and twisted so his back faced Hayner and Kairi, fiddling for a second before turning around again. He placed the cups on the table again. "All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right," he paused for a second, allowing the tension to sink in, "and who is dead."
Laughing, once more, Hayner rolled his eyes. "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?" He pauses for a moment, studying the man in black most intensely. "Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
"You've made your decision then?"
"Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect."
"Wait till I get going! Where was I?"
"Australia."
"Yes; Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
"You're just stalling now."
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" He stared at the man in black for a time, "You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
Hayner's excitement continued to grow, but the man in blacks faded slightly.
"You're trying to trick me into giving away something," the man in black scoffed, "it won't work."
"It has worked, you've given everything away, I know where the poison is!" Hayner chuckled haughtily.
"Then make your choice!"
"I will. And I choose-" he began, but suddenly pointed behind the man in black, his eyes wide, "What in the world can that be?" The man in black turned instantly, and Hayner quickly switched the goblets, a grin on his face.
"What? Where? I don't see anything."
"Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter." The man in black turned back around.
"What's so funny?" He asked.
"I'll tell you in a minute," Hayner replied with a snicker, "First, let's drink; me from my glass, and you from yours."
The two picked up their goblets and drank, the man in black first, then Hayner after a moment's hesitation. Finally, they put their cups down, and the man in black smiled.
"You guessed wrong."
By this time, Hayner was laughing so hard her looked as though he were going to fall over. "You only think I guessed wrong," he yelled between fits of giggles, "that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool." The man in black says nothing, only sitting there with an amused expression on his face. "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders," Hayner continued after a second, "The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.' But only slightly less well known is this: 'Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.'"
He continued with his laughter, his face turning bright red, until he suddenly stopped, his excited expression stuck on his face. The man in black stood up slowly and walked over to Kairi, pulling the blindfold off, as well as untied her hands.
"Who are you?" She asked quietly, her blue eyes wide with fear and confusion.
"I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know." Was his reply, before he dragged Kairi off onto an untraveled mountain path. Kairi allowed herself one final glance back at Hayner, saying;
"To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned."
The man in black let out a chuckle, "They were both poisoned," he explained, "I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder."
After a long time of running, that also involved bantering and Kairi almost getting slapped, the man in black threw her gently against a rock, where she lay panting for a second.
"Rest, Highness."
Kairi looked up again, a frown creasing her pretty face, "You, I know who you are!" She exclaimed suddenly. "How cruel you are, that's how I know; you're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!" The man in black turned towards her with a slight bow.
"With pride. What can I do for you?"
"You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces."
The man raised an eyebrow, "Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why lose your venom on me?"
Kairi's eyes suddenly filled with ultimate sadness, and she whispered, "You killed my love." The man in black watches her as though he knew something Kairi didn't, something important...
"It's possible," he finally replied, "I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another Prince, like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?"
"No!" Her expression turned to one of pain and suffering, but her voice was that of a longing school girl. "A farm boy," she began with her quiet voice, "Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like a beautiful light sapphire." She looked as though she were about to cry, and she turned to Pirate Roberts. "On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."
"I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time."
"You mock my pain!"
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. But I remember this boy, he asked me to spare his life. When I questioned him about this, he spoke of a woman, and I only assume he meant you. It would be a shame if he say what you've become."
"And what have I become?" Anger was rising in Kairi as she talked, causing her to stand, her fists clenched.
Roberts replied with a hint of sadness in his voice, "Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring faithfulness. Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?" The sadness was quickly replaced by pure malice. Kairi, on the other hand, was seething with rage.
"You mocked me once, never do it again!" Tears formed in her eyes. "I died that day!"
In the distance, the two hear a horse's whinny, and Roberts looked away from a second, only to see Riku and his men heading towards them quickly. He looked slightly worried, but that went away quickly as Kairi screamed, "Now you're going to die too!" She shoved him off the ravine's edge, and watched he rolled down towards the bottom of the rocky ravine. A somewhat happy look crosses her face, as she hears something most peculiar.
"... as... you... wish!"
Realization dawned on Kairi, and she gasped, covering her mouth in utter horror. "Oh, my God! Sora! What have I done?" Without a second thought or hesitation, she threw herself off the cliff as well, tumbling towards her true love without a care in the world that she was getting beat up by the rocks. Once the two stopped moving, Sora, his mask now gone, moved towards Kairi hesitantly.
"Can you move at all?" He asked her, reaching out a hand to caress her face. Kairi's eyes closed at Sora's touch, and she weakly stretched out her own arm towards him.
"Move? You're alive. If you want, I can fly." She stared into his eyes with great love, brushing a lock of his brown hair out of his face.
"I told you I would come back for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"
"Well... you were dead."
"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."
"I will never doubt again."
"There will never be a need."
And with that, Sora pulled Kairi up into his embrace and kissed her intensely.
"Oh no. Please no."
"What is it? What's the matter?"
"They're kissing again, do we have to hear the kissing part?"
"Someday, you may not mind so much."
"Skip on to the Fire Swamp - that sounded good."
"Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now, where were we here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Oh. Okay. Sora and Kairi raced along the ravine floor."
Kairi and Sora ran quickly across the ravine floor, but the noise of horses caught their attention. Sora stopped in an instant, turning with a smirk on his face. "Ha. Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp."
"Are you mad? We'll never survive," Kairi tried to argue, but she was dragged along before she really convince Sora of this.
"Nonsense," Sora said, "you're only saying that because no one ever has."
The two of them enter the Fire Swamp, Sora's sword in his hand, and Kairi clinging to his arm as though her life depended on it. Suddenly, Sora let out a "hmph."
"It's not that bad," he said. Kairi blinked and turned towards him, a look of utter horror written on her face. Sora just smiled at her reassuringly. "I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."
And so, the two of them continued their way into the Fire Swamp, where Kairi was almost burned to death, then swallowed by sand, and finally, she lay panting against Sora, covered in sand, on the verge of tears.
"We'll never succeed," she moaned, "we may as well die here."
"No. No. We have already succeeded." He pulled her away, his eyes avoiding the strange creatures that are prowling around them. He stands, bringing Kairi with him. "I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too."
Kairi stopped, "Sora, what about the H.O.U.S.'s?
"Heartless of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist..."
Just as he said this, a gigantic black creature tackled Sora, and the two get into another epic battle, but it would take too much work to really write what happens, so-
"We did it," Kairi said, disbelievingly, staring at the dead H.O.U.S. Sora laughed, nursing his injured shoulder.
"Now, was that so terrible?" Kairi laughed, most likely out of nervousness, and kissed Sora lightly before the two of them picked themselves up and finally made their way out of the Fire Swamp. However, when they exited the horrendous swamp, they ran into Prince Riku himself, Count Ellie perched on her horse next to him.
"Surrender!" Riku's voice boomed from atop his steed, behind him the waters of the bay. Sora just chuckled.
"You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept." Silence fell over the group as Riku and Ellie exchanged glances.
"I-I give you full marks for bravery, but don't make yourself a fool," Riku said, not sure how to respond to such idiocy. Ellie just laughed to herself.
"Ah," Sora said, "but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time." He turned his nose up toward the sky. "So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit."
Becoming extremely frustrated, Riku yelled, "I tell you once again; surrender!"
"It will not happen!" Blind with rage, Sora failed to notice the three warriors with crossbows that were standing behind the trees.
"For the last time, surrender!" Riku roared.
"Death first!" Sora replied with equal intensity. Sora reached to draw his sword, and the three warriors raised their weapons, but they didn't go unnoticed by Kairi.
She grabbed Sora's arm, keeping him from attacking the prince. "Will you promise not to hurt him?" Riku whirled to face her, and she walked forward slowly, pushing past Sora despite his protests.
"What was that?" the prince asked, raising an eyebrow. Next to Kairi, Sora put a hand on her shoulder.
"What was that?"
Kairi sighed and began to speak to both of the men. "If I go with you, and we surrender, will you promise not to hurt him."
"Are you mad?" Sora asked in Kairi's ear, but she just shoved him away gently and Riku raised his right hand.
"May I live a thousand years and never hunt again," he vowed.
Kairi's eyes turned on Sora. "He is a sailor on the pirate ship "Revenge." Promise to return him to his ship."
"I swear it will be done."
As Kairi and Sora stared into each others eyes, Riku leaned towards Ellie.
"Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair."
A mocking smile on her face, she whispered back, "I swear it will be done."
So, because the author here is being lazy, we're going to cut directly to the Pit of Despair, where Sora lay on a table, bound to it by chains. "Where am I?"
A young lady walked up to Sora, a rag and bucket of water in her hands. "The Pit of Despair," she whispered as she began to tend Sora's wounds. He winced, and the woman continued, pushing a lock of her nearly white hair out of her face. :Don't even think ," she started coughing viciously, then talked again, her voice back to normal. "-don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out."
"Alright... I have two questions."
"Go ahead."
"First of all, who are you? And second, I'm basically going to stay here until I die?"
"The name's Naminé. And till they kill you. Yeah."
"Then why bother curing me?"
"The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."
"So it's to be torture?"
Naminé nodded.
"I can cope with torture."
Biting her lip, Naminé shook her head.
"You don't believe me?"
A sigh escaped Naminé's lips and she continued to tend Sora's wounds. "You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave..." she paused dramatically. "but nobody withstands; The Machine!"
On the other side of Florin, Kairi walked down a hallway, not seeing anything near her. Ellie and Riku were standing in another hallway near the poor princess, and they watched her sadly as she walked by them.
"She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp." Riku shook his head sadly and then turned to Ellie, a smile plastered on his face. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."
Knowing it wasn't true, Ellie gave the prince a look of disbelief before saying, "Of course." Prince Riku just smiled down at her before the two of them moved on.
"The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Kairi and Riku were married, and at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen."
Once again, Prince Riku was standing on the balcony, Ellie to his right, and his mother clad in back to his left. He raised his hand, and began to speak. "My father's final words were-"
"Hold it. Hold it, Grandpa."
" You read that wrong. She doesn't marry Riku, she marries Sora. I'm just sure of it. After all that Sora did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair."
"Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair."
"I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!"
"Do you want me to go on with this?"
"Yes."
"All right, then. No more interruptions. At noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen."
"My father's final words were 'love her as I loved her, and there will be joy.' I present to you your Queen. Queen Kairi." Riku waved his hand towards the archway where Kairi was first introduced to the people, and once again, this is where she stood, wearing the crown of a queen, and clad in a beautiful blue dress. Her expression, however, was one of pure and utter sadness, and she walked the carpet. As she stepped into the sunlight, a loud 'booing' was suddenly heard. Turning her attention towards the place where the noise was coming from, Kairi noticed an old woman standing amongst the kneeling subjects.
"Why?" Kairi asked, looking as though she were about to cry. The old woman started walking forward.
"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up."
"But they would have killed Sora if I hadn't done it," Kairi said, distraught.
"Your true love lives and you marry another," she turned to the crowd. "True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!"
Kairi tried to run away as quickly as she could, but the taunting boo's seemed to be holding her in place, keeping her in the path of the old hag, but suddenly, she was in her bed, sitting up in horror.
"It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Kairi's nightmares were growing steadily worse."
"Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Riku?"
"Yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up."
Kairi threw on her robes and dashed out of her room, heading barefoot to Prince Riku's office, where he and Count Ellie were discussing something. Not caring that they were talking, Kairi interrupted them and said, "It comes to this: I love Sora. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning."
Riku just sat there, stunned by Kairi's sudden declaration. Finally, however, he stood up and calmly said, "I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off." He turned to Ellie. "You returned this Sora to his ship?"
"I did exactly what you told me to, and nothing else." Riku had to bite his lip to keep from laughing at Ellie's truthfulness, but he managed to keep his entertainment from Kairi.
"Then we will simply alert him." However, he was desperate to keep Kairi from actually meeting Sora ever again, so he placed a hand on her shoulder. "Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words."
Kairi simply brushed his hand off and replied, "My Sora will always come for me."
Over an hour after this exchange, Riku and Ellie were walking down the path of a dark, ominous wood, chatting pleasantly.
"Your Princess is really a winning creature," Ellie sneered with mockery, "A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable."
"Jealous?"
"You wish."
Riku chuckled. "Well, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Hayner to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."
The two of stopped farther in the grove, near a very strange looking tree.
"Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find." Ellie examined the strange tree closely, before finally pressing a knot on the tree, opening a secret door. "Are you coming down into the Pit? Sora's got his strength back. I am starting him on The Machine tonight."
"Oh Ellie, you know how much I love watching you work, but, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."
Ellie stepped back up towards Riku and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything." Riku smiled down at Ellie, and patted her on the head, causing her to blush slightly, but she forced herself to calm down before heading down into the Pit of Despair.
"The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Riku's orders to clear out the Thieves Forest."
"Wait, wait! What about the Pit of Despair? And Sora? What happened to them?"
"Oh, nothing really. Ellie hooked Sora up the Machine and stole one year of his life, Ellie thought it was interesting, but right now that's not important!"
"Oh... okay then."
"So anyway, the Thieves Forest..."
"Is everybody out?" The leader of the brute squad asked. An assistant brute walked up, a large cut on his face.
"Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble."
"Well, you give him some trouble. Move!"
The assistant brute squat member growled under his breath, but took off towards the place where the drunk Spaniard was sitting.
I am waiting for you, Hayner. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved!" Roxas nearly screeched, leaning against a house, and he takes a long drink from his bottle of brandy, but stops when the assistant brute came into view.
"Hello there," the brute said, trying to remain calm. Roxas said nothing, he just held out his sword and started swinging it around dangerously.
"I do not budge!" he said finally, "Keep your stupid hello!"
"But the Prince gave orders-"
"So did Hayner; when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Hayner comes."
"You disgust me..." the AB said, shaking his head. He pointed next to him. "You! Brute! Come here."
"I- am- waiting- for- Vizzini!" Roxas exclaimed, scrambling to his feet, brandishing his sword and brandy at the AB as though he had nothing to lose. Of course, judging by his state, the man really didn't have anything to lose.
"Well aren't you a meanie," a deep voice said, "Don't you mean you're waiting for Hayner?" A skinny hand placed itself on Roxas' back, keeping the drunk man from falling down again. Roxas blinked, confused, and grabbed the hand with his own, comparing the two, before looking up into a pair of sea-green eyes. "Hello." Axel grinned.
Roxas' eyes widened. "Hey! It's you!"
"That's true. Nice to see you again, Roxie." Out of the corner of his eye, Axel saw the AB as he was about to strike Roxas unconscious, so he let go of Roxas with one hand and punched the AB in the face. The man flew across the clearing and crashed into something that made a large crash. "Man, Roxie. You look horrible. Smell that way too."
"Yeah, well, I feel... fine!" Roxas protested, pushing Axel away from him. "Perfectly fine!"
"Oh? You do now?"
It was about that time that Roxas fainted, and Axel just shook his head. "Wow..."
"Axel and Roxas were reunited. And as Axel nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Roxas of Hayner's death and the existence of Count Ellie, the golden-eyed woman. Considering Roxas' lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well."
Roxas finished chewing the stew that Axel had prepared for him, before once again fainting, this time in his meal. Rolling his eyes, Axel pulled Roxas out of the stew and walked away, heading to prepare something. This something happened to be two large tubs, one full of hot, and one full of cold water. He grabbed Roxas and started shoving his head in the two buckets.
"Axel took great care in reviving Roxas."
"That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Ellie so I can cut her throat out and shove it up her-" Roxas finally said, pushing Axel away from him.
"Whoa, whoa there. Let's not get violent here. You should just settle with killing her," Axel said, patting the blond on the head. " And he's with the Prince in the Castle."
"Excellent! Sounds easy enough."
"Oh, did I mention the castle's guarded by thirty men?"
"... No, you didn't."
"Oh, sorry."
Roxas sighed, "I forgive you." Axel smiled. "How many could you handle?"
Pondering this for a second, Axel placed his arm around Roxas' shoulder. "I don't think more than ten."
Roxas held up his hand and started counting, almost as if he were doing math, before scowling angrily. "That leaves twenty for me. You seriously can't take on anymore?" Axel shook his head. "Gah! I need Hayner to plan. I fail at strategy..."
"Yeah, you are, but Hayner's dead. I think."
The two remained silent for a time, Axel with his hand on Roxas' wet head, and the blond thinking intensely, his eyes narrowed with though. A few seconds later, Roxas' eyes went wide, and he slammed his fist on the table. "No... not Hayner... it's the creepy man in the mask I need!"
Axel retreated from his friend and crossed his arms. "Are you mad?"
"Yes, but that's not the point." He clenched his fists. "Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Hayner, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go!"
"Um... where?"
"Where do you think?"
"I don't know. I'm not a genius."
"To the man in black! Obviously..."
"Oh... but you don't know where he is... or do you?"
"And so, Axel and Roxas set out on a journey to find the man in black, also known as Sora, but they were going to have a lot of trouble finding him."
"Why is that?"
"Because Prince Riku planned to kill him."
"What?"
"Did I not read that part? Oh, well... See, Princess Kairi came to Prince Riku and the two of them got into an argument, which ended in Kairi saying she loved Sora and refused to marry Riku, mainly because she found out that Riku broke his promise and didn't send out his fastest four ships after Sora. She didn't seem to care though, as she told Riku that Sora was her true love and he would come for her. So, Riku threw her in her room and ran off towards the Pit of despair..."
"Why didn't you just read that?"
"... So anyway, the Pit of Despair was lit by beautiful candles, though the fact that Sora was strapped to the table and Ellie was sitting at a desk as she took a few notes, somewhat distracted from that. Suddenly, Riku burst into the room..."
He dashed over to Sora and slammed his fists on the table, extremely angry. "You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."
With that, he whirled around and grabbed the lever for The Machine, and yanked it up as far as it would go."
"You idiot! Not to fifty!" Ellie screeched, standing up and running over to Riku in an attempt to turn of the machine. Riku, however, grabbed her writs and kept her away, as Sora let out a horrendous screech that went on, and on, and on, and on, until finally, he stopped moving completely. Ellie and Riku stood there in silence, Naminé close behind them.
"Wh-why did you-" Ellie began, only to be cut off by Riku.
"I will always win."
A few hours later, Naminé rushed through the woods, pushing a wheelbarrow, when she ran into Roxas, who had been attracted to the grove by Sora's howl of pain.
"Where is the Man in Black?" Roxas queried, his sword pressed against her sternum. The woman's eyes widened, and a faint blush painting her cheeks at the sight of Roxas. Slowly, she shook her head, but said nothing. "You can get to him from this grove here, right?" Still, Naminé said nothing. Roxas opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get another sound out, Axel brought his hand down on Naminé's head, knocking her out in a second.
"Woops. Sorry Roxie. Didn't mean to do that."
"Uh huh. Sure you didn't," Roxas bit his lip to hide a smile, and the two began searching for the entrance to the Pit of Despair, and after falling accidentally into the tree with a hundred knots, they finally found it, and the two headed down into the pit, only to find the lifeless body of Sora on the table where Ellie and Riku had left him.
Slowly, Axel walked towards him and took his pulse.
"He's dead..." he said quietly, which caused Roxas to collapse in the chair next to the table. For a moment, he just sat there, sagging in the chair like he was going to die himself, and he placed his head in his hands.
"It's... just not fair..." he muttered, his voice cracking.
"Grandpa, Grandpa, wait-"
"Wait, what did Axel mean, 'He's dead?' I mean he didn't mean dead. Sora's only faking, right?"
"You want me to read this or not?"
"Who gets Riku?"
"I don't understand."
"Who kills Prince Riku? At the end, somebody's got to do it. Is it Roxas? Who?"
"Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives."
"You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?"
"You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now."
"No! I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. All right?"
"Okay. All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Despair."
"This... this isn't good... Well, come on, Axel. Bring that body." Roxas had stood up, and was heading towards the exit of the Pit of Despair. Axel looked at his friend, confused.
"The body? Why am I bringing the body?
"Trust me on this. Do you have any money?"
"Uh yeah, a little."
"I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all."
Axel reached down and picked up Sora's corpse, shaking his head with confusion. He followed him out of the pit, and the two walk quickly and quietly through the forest, heading towards a small hovel in the middle of the forests. Nodding at Axel, Roxas reached out his hand, once they'd reached the house, and knocked. From inside, an old man's voice yelled at them to go away. Roxas, however, ignored this and continued pounding.
Finally, the small window on the door opened and the face of an old man appeared. "What do you want!"
"Are you the Miracle Man, Cloud, who used to work for the king?" Roxas asked seriously. The man scoffed.
"The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!" He slammed the window closed, but Roxas was determined not to give up, and he raped on the door again. The old man opened the door again. "Get outta here before I call the Brute Squad!"
Axel pushed his way in front of Roxas and smiled. "I'm on the brute squad."
Cloud looked up at Axel with a disgusted look on his face. "I can tell."
"Look," Roxas began shoving Axel out of the way, "we really need a miracle!"
"Well, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."
"He's already dead."
Cloud blinked. "He is? Well then I have nothing to lose now. Get in here." He closed the window again, but this time there were loud clanks and other noises that seemed to be unlocking the door, as it was opened only a few seconds later.
Roxas and Axel laid Sora on the table, and Cloud observed him with interest. "Meh, I've seen worse." He continued to observe Sora's dead body, all the while acting as though he were learning a lot about the man. Roxas tapped his foot impatiently.
"Sir," he said. When Cloud ignored him, he called out again, "Sir!"
"Hah?"
"We don't have all day."
Rolling his eyes, Cloud nearly smacked Roxas over the head. "Don't rush me, you idiot. Rush a miracle man and you get horrid miracles. You have money, right?"
"Uh, yeah. Sixty-five."
"Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause."
"This is noble, sir," Roxas said, "His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation!" Cloud just raised his eye brows.
"You're a rotten liar."
"Okay, okay! I need his help to avenge my father's death."
Silence.
"Your first story was better," Cloud said with a roll of his eyes, "Fine, fine. I'll help you." The old man walked to the back of the room and rustled through a bunch of stuff, before finally emerging with a huge bellows. Roxas looked from Sora to Cloud, stupefied.
"You do realize he's dead. That's not going to do much."
"Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth." Roxas obliged, Cloud inserted the bellows in the dead guy's mouth, and began to pump air. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead... well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."
"Uh, what would that be?"
He stopped pumping, "Go through his clothes and look for loose change." The two living guys exchanged looks of horror, but they didn't have time to say anything as Cloud beat them to it. "Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?" He pressed lightly on Sora's chest.
"Tr... oooo... luv..." the dead man moaned, and everyone stared at him, somewhat shocked by what they'd just heard.
"True love," Roxas whispered, suddenly excited. "You heard him. You couldn't ask for a more noble cause than that!'
"True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT. A mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said 'to blave.' And, as we all know, 'to blave' means 'to bluff.' So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated-" Cloud said, bringing angry looks from Axel and Roxas, but they had no time to say anything as a screechy voice from another room in the house called out;
"Liar! Liar! Liar!"
From the back of the house, an old hag came running into the room, a furious look on her face. At one point in time, the old lady probably looked absolutely gorgeous, but now she looked as wrinkly and old as the miracle man. With as much ferocity as the woman, Cloud turned around and yelled at her
"Get back, witch-"
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore."
"Bah! You'll never find anyone better than me!"
"'True love.' He said, 'true love,' Cloud. My God-"
Cloud retreated slightly, "Don't say another word, Tifa."
With a huff, Tifa turned to Roxas and Axel, trying to explain her husband's interesting behavior. "He's afraid. Ever since Prince Riku fired him, his confidence is shattered."
"Ugh! Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!"
Tifa whirled on Cloud, taking a step forward. "What, Riku? Riku. Riku. Ooo-ooo, Riku!" She exclaimed, chasing the old man around the apartment. Every time she said the name, Riku, Miracle Cloud let out a gasp of horror and tried to move away from his wife. Finally, he covered his ears.
"I'm not listening."
"A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help-"
"Nobody's hearing nothing!"
"Riku. Riku! Riku!"
Suddenly, Roxas got an idea, and he held out his hands to stop the elderly couple from fighting anymore. When it didn't work, he called out, "But this is Kairi's true love- If you heal him, he will stop Riku's wedding!"
"Riku. Riku-" Tifa continued to chant, but Cloud put a hand over her mouth.
"Shut up!" he hissed at her before turning to Roxas. "Wait. Wait. I make him better, Riku suffers?"
"The greatest humiliation."
"That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job."
Tifa let out a little shriek, and the two old people got to work on making the miracle. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Tifa began to coat a small pill in a deep brown liquid, finishing whatever she and her husband were up to.
A little appalled, Roxas asked hesitantly, "That's a miracle pill?" Cloud nodded, and Tifa finished coating the pill.
"The chocolate coating makes it go down easier," she explained. "But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?"
"An hour."
"Yeah, an hour."
"A good hour. Yeah."
Roxas accepted the pill, and Axel picked up Sora with a grunt. The two headed out of the house without a second hesitation. "Thank you for everything," Roxas said with a slight bow.
"Okay."
Tifa waved after the men, all the while saying, "Bye-bye, boys."
"Have fun storming the castle," said Cloud, joining in with the waving.
"Think it'll work?"
"It would take a miracle. Bye!"
"And so, Axel and Roxas gave Sora the pill, and he woke up in a miraculous miracle, so they decided to storm the castle. However, the pill didn't completely work immediately, and Sora didn't have the strength to stand at first. So, after the three men infiltrated the castle, they were stopped by Count Ellie and four of her warriors."
"What about the wedding?"
"Well, that was happening during all of this, and it ended in a quick way, skipping many parts of it."
"So Kairi married Riku? No!"
"Shut up, and let me read."
Ellie was standing with four of her warriors behind her. On the other side of the hallway, Axel and Roxas stood, Axel holding Sora up so that he didn't fall.
"Kill the dark one and the red-head, but leave the third for questioning," Ellie muttered to the warriors. Instantly after she said this, the four men attack, but they were no match for Roxas. His sword flashed, killing all four men before they could even completely draw their swords. Then, as the men fell to the floor, Roxas held out his sword towards Ellie, and whispered;
"Hello. My name is Roxas Strife. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Ellie stood there, not saying anything, until finally she fell back into a light fighting stance, her sword drawn as though she were preparing to fight. However, instead of actually dueling Roxas, she turned around and dashed down the hallway. Roxas dashed after her, calling to Axel to help. Not wanting to leave Sora alone, laying in the middle of the hallway, Axel leaned him against a suit of armor and headed off after Roxas.
Meanwhile, halfway across the castle, Kairi opened the door to the Honeymoon Suite. She crossed the room quietly, towards the desk that sat directly under the window, and pulled out a long jeweled box. Opening it, she revealed a very dangerous looking dagger, which she pulled out and pressed to her chest, a peaceful expression on her face.
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours."
Kairi's eyes widened, and she whirled around, and saw Sora, laying on the bed, a sword laying next to him. Tears in her eyes, Kairi dropped the knife and ran over to Sora, leaping onto the bed and covering her lover with kisses.
"Oh, Sora!" Kairi exclaimed between kisses, "What's wrong? Are you alright?"
"Gently."
"At a time like this that's all you can think to say? 'Gently?'" Kairi muttered, growing more intense as the seconds passed. However, this was too much for Sora's still weak body.
"Gently!"
Kairi let go of Sora and his head banged against the headboard.
"Oh, Sora, will you ever forgive me?" Kairi asked, rubbing the back of Sora's head where he'd hit it. Sora laughed.
"And why would I need to do that? What did you do?"
"Well, I got married." Kairi hung her head in shame, "I didn't want to. It all happened so fast-"
"Don't worry. Never happened." He shot Kairi a goofy grin, but she didn't understand what he meant by that.
"What?"
"It never happened."
"But it did. I was there. This old man said, 'Man and wife.'"
"Did you say, 'I do?'"
"Well, no, we sort of skipped that part."
Sora smiled again, "Then you're not married- if you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Obviously." He paused for a second, then added, "Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?" Kairi turned around suddenly, and there he was, standing in the doorway with his sword hanging in his hand. She whimpered a little and moved off of Sora, though her arm was still wrapped protectively around him.
"A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first," Riku said, pointing his sword at Sora, "To the death!" He began to charge, but Sora said something that made him stop.
"No!" He paused dramatically, "To the pain."
Riku stopped short, cocking his head in confusion. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase," he said hesitantly. Sora smiled again.
"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon."
Chuckling, Riku shook his head. "You're the first person to dare insult me-"
"Oh, don't worry. It won't be the last." The silver-haired prince clenched his fist in anger. "To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."
"And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to make again." Riku raised his sword slightly, posed to kill. Sora, however, stopped him in his tracks again.
"I wasn't finished," he continued, "the next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right-"
"And then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it-" He took another step forward.
"Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why," at this point, Riku's eyes were filled with fear, but he tried very hard not to show it. "so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish- every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
Riku took a hesitant step back, "I think you're bluffing."
Another smile. "It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all."
Sora grinned, shifting in his bed. Riku's eyes widened as Sora grabbed the edge of the bed, pulling himself up. Standing up, Sora raised his weapon, eyes gleaming with amusement, and hissed, "Drop, your, sword!"
My eyes fluttered open, just slightly. I was in a dark room, well, a mostly dark room. A lamp in the corner was on, and the bright light seemed blinding. With a groan, I reached my hand out to cover my eyes, trying to block out the intense light that was causing a nasty headache. However, it was about then I realized the headache wasn't going to go away because it wasn't the light that was causing it.
I had no idea what was.
"Hey, Roxie, welcome back to the world."
Red's voice. I wondered briefly why I was hearing Red's voice, but a sudden memory tugged at my brain.
"You," I muttered in a slurred voice, "I had a weird dream, and you were in it." I didn't know what I was saying. All I knew, was that the dream I had just had, was probably the weirdest, creepiest thing I had ever seen.
"Oh? You had a dream about me? What was so weird about it?"
I chuckled a little bit. "We were getting along."
And then I passed out again.