The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 118:6)

Lovino couldn't sleep. He should have been able to sleep, he was absolutely exhausted, but his eyes refused to close and his mind refused to stop racing. It seemed that his brain wasn't focused on any one thing alone. His thoughts bounced around from the church service, the youth group meeting that erupted into chaos and fell apart in an instant, Feliciano's heartbreaking question and finally what was probably the most aggravatingly prominent- Antonio.

No matter how hard he tried, Lovino couldn't stop thinking about the way Antonio spoke to him, the way he chased him out of the church out of worry alone, his sparking eyes and bouncing accent and finally, the way he held him. Lovino flipped onto his stomach, buried his face in the pillow and screamed. He was so unbelievably sick of letting this guy get to him. He shouldn't have let the idiot hug him. What kind of group leader went around hugging their students, anyway? Were they even considered students?

He closed his eyes as tightly as he could and shot them open with force, the same way he did in his dreams when he wanted to wake up. There were more important things to focus on than Antonio, much more important things. His mind wandered back to Feliciano. After they had gotten back to the house, Feliciano was nearly silent for the rest of the evening. That alone spoke volumes. When their grandfather asked how the class had gone, he simply told him it was fine. Lovino only nodded in agreement, not wanting to upset him again.

Feliciano wasn't just quiet that evening, he was also skittish. When Lovino simply touched his shoulder when he was reading- the bible, an object that was making more appearances since their first time at the church- to tell him dinner was ready, he had jumped and let out a small yelp. Lovino tried his very hardest to brush it off as Feliciano being Feliciano, but the small incident somehow stuck with him.

Thinking of Feliciano certainly didn't help him sleep. Thoughts of his brother only sent him down another spiral of bothersome worries. He began to wonder if he was sleeping any better. He hoped so; they had school the next day. Lovino checked the clock- it was twelve thirty. In that case, it was already the next day. He groaned.

Before he knew what he was doing, Lovino was padding through the hallway to Feliciano's room. He was only being a good brother. All he would do was poke his head in and make sure he was asleep. When he reached the end of the hallway, he noticed that the light was still on. With his eyes narrowed in confusion, he knocked quickly and quietly as to not wake his grandfather.

Feliciano appeared at the doorway in seconds. He opened the door slowly and peaked out through the crack. "Lovi? What are you doing here, it's late-"

"And you're still up." He said. "What's going on, Feliciano? You're usually out by nine."

Feliciano shrugged. "I couldn't sleep." He paused and wrapped his hand around the edge of the door. "Why are you still up? Is everything okay? Do you need something? I hope you didn't have a nightmare."

Lovino wasn't exactly sure what prompted him to come to his brother's room. "Uh, no. I was just checking on you."

Feliciano looked incredulous. "But you never check on me, unless you do it when I'm sleeping. Do you watch me when I'm sleeping, Lovi? I'm not sure I like that."

Lovino blinked. "No, why in the hell would I do that?" He shook his head and sighed. "Actually, I have no idea why I'm here. I guess I'll leave now."

He started to turn around when he felt his shirt being tugged on. "Wait, Lovino?" said Feliciano.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you didn't have a nightmare?" His eyes darkened and he dropped his gaze. "Because I did, there was a lot of fire and yelling. It was scary."

There was no way that was coincidental. Lovino shifted his weight to one foot and folded his arms. "What he said really got to you, didn't it?"

Feliciano's eyes flickered around as if he were searching for something. He evidently understood what he was referring to. Some time passed before he said anything. "Not really." He said without looking at him.

Another lie. Lovino sighed. This behavior was too strange. "Feli," He almost began questioning him about it, but then he actually looked at him. There were dark circles under his eyes that just didn't belong and the hand that clutched his shirt was trembling. He felt his questions die on his lips. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked.

Feliciano finally looked up at him with shock in his eyes. "Really?"

Lovino nodded. He hadn't shared a bed with his little brother in years, but when he looked at him all he could see was the same scared little boy that ran into his room after a nightmare when they were still in elementary school. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't tell anyone."

Feliciano nodded and ushered him inside. Lovino didn't dare admit he wanted the company just as much.

.

After school on Monday, Lovino decided to go to the local café for a cup of coffee. He went to the café on occasion when he wanted to get away from his family or just get out of the house. This day in particular, he wanted to avoid seeing Feliciano's troubled eyes and jittery nervousness that was so painfully out of character. On top of that, he needed a caffeine fix. He'd barely managed four hours of sleep the previous night.

The sound of a little bell fixed on top of the door signaled his entrance. The café was mostly empty, with only a few people typing away on laptops tucked into the corner seats. Lovino walked towards the counter where the barista was fooling around with his phone. He had long blonde hair swept back into a ponytail and looked to be in his early twenties. When he saw Lovino approaching, he tucked his phone into his apron pocket and smiled.

"Bounjor!" His French accent shattered the silence that was otherwise filled with barely audible classical music. "What can I do for you, mon cher?"

Lovino was in no mood. "Just coffee." He said, tossing a few crumpled bills on the counter. "Whatever you just called me; don't call me it again."

The man chuckled like he was amused. "Feisty one, aren't we?" As he filed the bills into the cash register, he gave Lovino's face a once over and smirked.

Lovino narrowed his eyes. "What are you looking at?"

The man furrowed his brow and pursed his lips. "I feel like I recognize you. Hm…" He trailed off and shrugged.

Lovino glanced at his nametag- it read 'Francis.' He didn't know a Francis. "Well, I don't recognize you."

Francis ignored the comment. "Can I have a name for your order?"

"Lovino." The minute he said it, he wondered why he needed a name if there was barely anyone else in the place.

Francis's eyebrows shot upwards. He looked as though he was about to say something but decided not to bother. Instead, he walked into the kitchen to fix his drink without another word. When he finished and handed Lovino the Styrofoam cup, he held onto it for just a second too long and shook his head. He mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'I will never understand him.'

Lovino glared at him and all but ripped the cup from his hand. "Excuse me?"

Francis shrugged one final time and withdrew back into the kitchen. The entire time, he had that same ridiculous smirk plastered on his face. "Bastard." Lovino muttered under his breath. He pushed the bizarre exchange to the back of his mind and retreated to the table by the window. It was the same table he always picked, since it allowed him to focus on the activity outside and get lost in his own thoughts. That way, he didn't feel as self conscious about being alone.

He sipped his coffee, winced as it burned his tongue, and focused his attention on the pedestrians scurrying up and down the sidewalks. He fixated on them in an attempt to erase the thoughts from his brain- the very same thoughts that kept him awake all last night. Feliciano seemed a little better that morning, but not much. He was still far too quiet to be considered 'back to normal.' He wondered if there was something else bugging him. Sure, the sermon was unpleasant, but Feliciano was usually good at shaking things off. That's what he thought, at least. Maybe he really didn't understand his brother.

Lovino continued to stare out the window with blank, unseeing eyes. He was able to keep that up until he saw something that absolutely demanded to be seen. He felt his stomach jump in a way that was almost painful and he nearly choked on his coffee. No, surely his eyes were playing tricks on him. Surely that wasn't him- oh no, was he walking this way? No, he wasn't…he was. Lovino nearly stopped breathing. He leaned against the hand that was closest to the window in a pathetic attempt to hide his face.

When the bell sounded, Lovino squeezed his eyes shut. Don't see me. Don't see me. Don't see me. The three words played over and over again in his head, and for one horrid second of insanity he wished for the opposite. Out of all the coffee shops in this town, did Antonio really need to walk into this one right then? He realized his attempts at camouflaging himself like an ostrich with its head in sand were futile when he heard that unmistakable accent.

"Dios mio! Lovino, is that you?"

He was almost tempted to say no. No, I'm someone else. Now go away. He felt his face grow red and stifled the little flutter in his chest. "Are you stalking me or something?" He said as he focused his eyes on his cup.

Lovino finally looked up when Antonio began to laugh. "Not everything is about you, Lovino! I came by to say hello to my good friend Francis."

Oh. So that's why that barista was acting so weird. Wait; did that mean Antonio told his friends about him? It felt like a tiny bomb went off in Lovino's stomach as he considered the idea. No, dammit, that wasn't flattering; it was weird! He crossed him arms and slumped farther down in his seat. "So you talk about me now? Creep."

"I beg your pardon? Oh dear, did Francis say something? Francis!" Antonio raised his voice and called out in the direction of the kitchen.

Francis appeared behind the counter once again. "Oh, Antonio! It feels like years have passed since I've seen you. And what a coincidence, your little friend happens to be here as well!" He leaned over the countertop and just about purred his next sentence. "Why, Toni, I never expected you to be the type to rob cradles."

Evidently, Francis did not expect Lovino's hearing to be as keen as it was. He stiffened his posture and glared in his direction. "I'm seventeen years old! I'm not little, and we sure as hell aren't friends! Antonio is my youth group leader, that's it!" He tried to keep his voice at a normal volume. The last thing he needed was to call attention to himself and worsen this disaster.

Francis rolled his eyes. "You sure know how to pick them, Toni. He really is a sweetheart." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Antonio's smile fizzled and died. "Francis." He stretched his name into three syllables. "Behave yourself for once, will you?" If Lovino looked closely, he could almost see a bit of pink on his olive cheeks. Not that he was looking closely.

Francis raised his hands above his head in a mock surrender. "Alright, no need to be upset. At least order something. I cannot allow you to simply loiter here."

Antonio's smile returned and took the form of a smirk. "Get me a cappuccino, frog." He said, handing him a five-dollar bill. His tone contained the kind of joking sarcasm only used between close friends. Lovino realized no one joked with him that way.

Francis handed him his change and soon followed it with his drink. They exchanged a few more one-liners before Antonio told him to get back to work with a flippant wave of the hand and Francis disappeared into the back of the café. Lovino watched in careful fascination. Much to his shock, horror, and unintentional excitement, Antonio walked to his table and smiled down at him.

"I am sorry about him, Lovi. He's a handful." He paused and took a sip of his drink. "Mind if I sit with you?"

Lovino rolled his eyes. "You're kidding, right?" He used his snippy tone in an attempt to distract him from his hands that trembled slightly around his cup. He tried to separate his words from the ones in his mind, which kept feeding him the infuriating idea that he would in fact like the company.

Antonio tilted his head and smiled gently. "So, no? Alright, I suppose I'll be on my way then." He turned on his heel and took a step towards the door.

"I never said that, idiot." Lovino shocked himself with his words. What on earth was he doing, and why did the thought of sitting there alone suddenly feel undesirable? "Just…just sit down, already. Don't act like it's such a big deal. My God."

Antonio turned back around. "Oh, really? That sounds great!" He sounded genuinely surprised. He pushed back the empty chair and sat down in one smooth motion. Lovino couldn't help but notice the way he moved. It was as if every step he took was carefully choreographed. He hadn't been watching him or anything. He'd just noticed.

"So how are you, Lovino?" He said.

"I'm just peachy." Lovino traced the lip of his cup with his finger. "Not sure I can say the same about Feliciano."

Antonio frowned. "Oh no. That's truly a shame. Did something happen?"

"I would think you know damn well what happened." When Antonio looked confused, Lovino continued. "What that priest said, O'Brian or whatever, really freaked him out. He asked me if he's going to hell and he had a nightmare about fire."

Antonio let his gaze drift onto the table. He sighed before nodding knowingly. "I see. That simply breaks my heart, Lovino. Feliciano seems like a nice boy."

"He is. Far too nice to be told he's going to be punished for being human!" Lovino felt a familiar anger start to twist beneath his skin. He couldn't stop his next words. "Why do you work there? You already said you don't agree with that crap, so why do you even bother?"

Antonio pushed his dark hair back and exhaled. "It wasn't always like this. Things used to be a lot more relaxed, but over recent years our newer priests have taken on a more aggressive approach to keep up with the more extremist Evangelist and Baptist groups." He paused, shook his head and kept his voice hushed. "When something is all you have ever known, it can be very hard to question it."

Lovino opened his mouth to protest but quickly realized he couldn't deny what he was saying. "You could find another church. My grandpa goes to one not far from yours." He said then quickly regretted it. He didn't want a different group leader- there was a chance whoever it was would be worse, after all.

Antonio shook his head. "I've been going there for years. It's become somewhat of a tradition. I have hopes it will one day revert to what it was." His eyes narrowed as if he were fighting with himself. "Even then, I can't be sure they would accept…oh, never mind."

This piqued Lovino's interest. "What was that?"

He shook his head fervently. "I don't want to do cross a line or make you uncomfortable, Lovino. There are certain things that are better left unsaid."

That may be true, but Lovino's curiosity was getting the better of him. "Why are you so worried about making me uncomfortable? I'm not a little kid, you know."

Antonio's eyes finally met Lovino's. "No. No, you certainly are not." He clenched his cup a little bit too tightly and quickly changed the subject. "Do you believe in God, Lovino?"

After shaking off the initial confusion over the suddenness, the loaded question hit Lovino like smack to the face. He had wrestled with that question for longer than he could remember. Around seventh or eighth grade, the mention of religion started to make him uncomfortable. Not long after, he started wondering if there truly was a God and if he was good enough for him if there was. This only led to a descent into overthinking, paranoia and general unhappiness. When his grandfather decided he was old enough to not go to church if he wished, he had taken to ignoring the constant questions that haunted him. Now, his ability to do that was wavering. He couldn't start the descent again, he just couldn't-

"Lovino? Are you alright?"

Lovino came plummeting back down to earth when he heard Antonio's voice. "Huh?" He said. What had they been talking about again?

Antonio looked apologetic. "I hope that wasn't too intrusive to ask. You don't have to answer." He said. "Do know that I wouldn't judge you for your response."

Oh yeah, he had asked that question. Lovino shook his head and tried to get a grip on himself. "Oh. Um…" He needed to think of a response, anything that gave off the impression he was confident in his own beliefs, that he was mature and actually wise beyond his years like he had been told…oh, screw it. "I don't know." He muttered.

Antonio nodded. "Do any of us, really?" He leaned against his hand glanced out the window. Then he seemed to stutter back in awareness like a slow starting car. "I really don't know if we should be discussing this, I am your group leader, I-"

"Antonio," The moment Lovino said it he realized it was the first time he had called him by his actual name- not bastard, not idiot- Antonio. In fact, it was the first time he'd said it out loud. The four syllables felt unfamiliar on his tongue. Oh, for the love of God, it was only his damn name! "We aren't in church right now. You aren't my teacher or whatever now, okay? If you want to say something just say it already." He refused to admit he was curious, and he sure as hell didn't care.

Antonio smiled softly. "I must warn you, it's a bit of a long story."

Somehow, the thought of hearing that accent for an extended period of time didn't seem too terrible. "Fine. I don't have anything better to do." Lovino muttered.

Antonio didn't say a word for a long moment. His shoulders tensed, his lips pursed, and he finally took a deep breath. "Do you know what scrupulosity is, Lovi?" His voice had dipped rather dramatically.

Lovino shook his head. The term was completely foreign. "No. What is it?"

"It's a form of obsessive compulsive disorder that relates directly to being religious. In layman's terms, it means you have an unusual amount of guilt and fear about things like sin." Antonio adverted his eyes again. "When I was around your age, I came to the conclusion that I suffered from it."

Lovino's words were stolen from him. He only nodded.

"I spent nearly all my time praying because I had convinced myself that I was not truly saved. I was plagued with intrusive blasphemous thoughts that I did not believe, which only worsened my fear that God would not forgive me. I began to second-guess and overthink everything I did, thinking it was sinful. Why, I'm almost certain I spent more time in confession than the actual priest!" Antonio smiled slightly and laughed dryly. "Needless to say, it was all very distressing. I was living on a very little sleep due to these worries, which did nothing to help the anxiety. I was absolutely convinced I would go to hell, and these thoughts never left me alone for long."

Lovino felt suddenly lightheaded. What he was saying- nearly word for word- was a perfect description what he had felt not too long ago. He'd never known that other people felt the same way, let alone that there was a word for it. He swallowed hard, bit the inside of his lip and kept listening.

"What didn't help was something I discovered about myself not long after puberty-" Antonio's eyebrows shot upwards and he stopped. He sighed and looked into Lovino's eyes. "I should not continue."

Lovino shook his head rigidly. "You're already this far. Might as well finish."

"I don't think you understand, Lovino." He took a deep, trembling breath. "This may completely change your opinion of me. I do not want you to think that I'm up to something, or- dios, I don't even know."

"What makes you think I have such a high opinion of you anyways, bastard?"

Antonio finally laughed. Lovino felt just a twinge of relief and cursed himself for it. "I suppose I don't have much to lose then, do I?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and tried to pretend that his heart wasn't threatening to pound right out of his chest, that his head wasn't spinning like a top and he wasn't drowning in the suspense. "No. You don't." What could possibly be so damn terrible?

Lovino didn't realize that his hand had been lying idly on the table that sat between them until Antonio covered it with his. A sudden fire shot up his entire arm and manifested itself in a blush. Lovino mentally kicked himself.

"You must promise you won't tell anyone, Lovino. Not even you grandfather. Not even Feliciano." He said firmly.

Lovino told himself to yank his hand away but it wasn't cooperating. It was as if his body had a mind of its own. He forced himself to scoff. "You really think I'd waste my time talking about you?" He said. What in the hell is it?

Antonio removed his hand and clutched the edges of the table. Lovino realized they were quivering. "This is something I rarely tell anyone."

"Just spit it out already!" Lovino couldn't stop himself from nearly shouting it. It was a good thing the café had emptied out even more. Not even Francis was anywhere to be seen.

Antonio looked him in the eyes again, and it looked like it took him everything he had not to lose consciousness. "Lovino," he paused for much too long. Lovino expected the world to explode. Was he a serial killer? Did he have dead bodies in his basement? Why did it matter, god, it shouldn't matter…

Antonio's voice was small and full of hesitation. "I'm gay, Lovino."

Oh. Lovino was almost disappointed. "That's it?"

Antonio's face went blank. "Pardon me?"

Lovino laughed humorlessly. "You really are dramatic. I thought you were going to tell me you killed someone. Really, do you actually think I care? Well, I don't. Sorry to disappoint." This was true, so what was that little jump in his chest for?

Antonio finally smiled genuinely and breathed a huge sigh of relief. "You have no idea how much weight that takes off my shoulders, Lovino. Thank you for understanding. Please know that my relationship with you has no ulterior motives whatsoever."

Lovino nodded plainly. What was this sinking feeling in his chest? Certainly it was heartburn. The amount of pain suggested he was having a stroke, but it definitely was not an emotional response because he didn't care, dammit. He. Did. Not. Care-

"Well, now that you know, I suppose I can continue my story."

The confession left his mind and Lovino was hit with the reality of this conversation. "Fine. Just…just hurry." He stammered.

Antonio nodded with a slight smile. "When I discovered this, it only worsened my fears. I prayed and prayed for God to change me, to make me normal, but in the end I simply couldn't fight off my attraction to males. At this point, I was absolutely certain that I was an abomination and a mistake. So…" His lips parted as if to speak, but instead he closed his mouth and rested his left arm on the table. "It would be easier to show you."

Lovino wondered what he could possibly have to show him. Antonio unbuttoned the cuff on his shirt and he only grew more confused. Funny, Antonio did always seem to wear those long-sleeve button-down things. He wondered why. Then he pushed up his sleeve to his elbow, and the answer to his question smacked Lovino in the face. Staring him in the face was a raised, angry-looking red scar that ran from the base of his wrist to nearly his inner elbow. Oh. Oh. No, there had to be another explanation, Antonio was always so happy, he wouldn't-

He pushed his sleeve back down and buttoned the cuff. "I attempted to take my own life when I was all of sixteen years old. By what I would like to think was the grace of God I did not succeed, as you can probably tell." He smiled, but it faded in a matter of seconds. "I was in a truly awful place. Since then, I have gotten my illness under control. I take medication, go to therapy and am able to live a happy, normal life. I have my moments where the troublesome thoughts start to creep up on me, but I know how to control them now." He said, and then sighed. "I apologize for springing all of that on you. Wow, I haven't opened up to anyone like that in years…"

His words fizzled out into a jumble of sounds. Lovino could barely hear or even see through the thick cloud of emotions that fell over him like a frigid fog. He would have never guessed a happy, carefree person like Antonio would have skeletons like that in his closet.

Lovino coughed into his hand. He tried to steady his breathing and make his voice sound as flat as possible as though it hadn't affected him, because for God's sake, it hadn't. "Wow. I'm…sorry, Antonio." 'Sorry' felt far too casual for something like this, but the ability to say anything else was eluding him at the moment. He took a sip of his lukewarm coffee and realized his hand was shaking so badly he could barely hold the cup. Then, another realization hit him like an avalanche. "Wait. Wait a minute. If you have all of those problems, then why in the hell do you work at a church that thinks gay people are evil? That's just stupid!"

Antonio looked almost hurt. "Yesterday was the first time those things were said there. I do admit I had a small episode that night, but I soon recovered." He drummed his fingers on the table. "I do hope those things aren't said again."

Lovino hoped so too. He tried to avoid thinking about what exactly this 'episode' entailed. In his attempts to avoid it, his thoughts drifted back to Feliciano and his heart nearly stopped. What he was saying was relevant to his little brother's strange behavior, too. "Do you think Feliciano could have the same thing? Scup- Sup- dammit, what was that word again?"

"Scrupulosity? I hope not, but Lovino, just in case- please be there for him. Ask him what he's afraid of, and do not brush those fears off. Comfort him. Take everything he says seriously no matter how ridiculous it may sound." He sounded like this was a speech he had memorized. Lovino nodded though his body was going numb. "I don't mean to scare you, but if he says anything about wanting to die- take him to the hospital. Immediately."

Lovino barely heard what he said. He refused to acknowledge the thought, to recognize it as a possibility, to think about it for even a second. He stood up even though his legs felt like they were made of rubber. "I have to go." He needed to get out of there, away from Antonio's horrible words and his sympathetic eyes that burned his skin. "Oh God, I have to go…"

Antonio's words stopped him. "I'm so sorry, Lovi." He said. He was suddenly on his feet. "I didn't mean to upset you. Ay Dios mio, I knew I crossed a line, I should have stopped ages ago, I'm so sorry-" His words were frantic and his eyes were wide.

Lovino suddenly left his body. Everything turned to slow motion as legs that were not his took a step towards Antonio. Arms that he had no control over wrapped around him. Before he knew it, his head was pressed against his shoulder. Antonio hugged him back so tightly he thought his bones would shatter and continued to mutter apologies into his ear in that intoxicating accent. His voice sent Lovino back to reality. Even then, he didn't let go immediately. Lovino told himself he was only doing it to shut him up, that he felt no real sympathy for him. He told himself that his face was getting warm because the heating was set too high.

When he finally broke away and muttered a few goodbyes that he didn't hear himself say, he told himself he was glad to be leaving even though there was a pain in his chest. He told himself the pain was, again, heartburn. While he was speed walking down the sidewalk towards his house, he told himself the tears in his eyes were because of the wind. He told himself that it didn't matter that Antonio's story and condition held so many similarities to his own life. He told himself he couldn't feel his wall breaking, the same one he spent years building around his heart. When he thought of Antonio's confession, he told himself he couldn't relate to it.

He told himself he hadn't been fighting the same feelings for years.

To be continued...