And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell. (Mark 9:47)

Feliciano had been on the phone for hours. Lovino made the decision to leave him alone, and instead occupied himself by alternating between mindlessly flipping through the television channels and aimlessly pacing the house. Feliciano only hung up the phone when he heard the garage door opening. Lovino had finally stopped pacing and was lying on the couch, his racing mind rendering him only semi-coherent to anything else.

When Grandpa Roma returned home, Lovino and Feliciano put on a performance that was deserving of an Oscar. They acted as if nothing had happened, as if the whirlwind of an evening they had just faced had been the definition of mundane. Lovino had almost broken this trance, however, when Roma brought up confession.

"So, little ones," said Roma after everyone was settled at the dinner table. "I understand you went to confession this evening. How was that? Lovino, I know you haven't been in quite some time."

Lovino stopped drinking mid-sip. Should he tell the truth? If Roma knew what they had done to Feliciano, it could be their ticket out of this torture. "Well, it wasn't exactly great." He said.

He looked up at Feliciano when he heard his fork fall to his plate with a clink. His eyes were wide and panicked. Lovino remembered that he had told him not to tell their grandfather, but he had assumed he had meant 'don't tell grandpa about Ludwig.' Had Feliciano really meant that Lovino wasn't supposed to say anything? No matter how strange it was; the desperation in his eyes implied exactly that.

While Lovino looked on in confusion, Feliciano broke the short-lived silence. "It was alright. Lovino didn't like it because it took a long time. Right, Lovi?" He said. Feliciano was smiling, but his eyes were pleading.

Lovino nodded wordlessly. He supposed this evening had been exciting enough. There didn't need to be another heated conversation or possible argument thrown into the mix.

Roma blinked away his slightly confused expression and smiled warmly. "Not too terrible, then? That's good. I was never thrilled about going to confession when I was your age." He said with a laugh. "Were you boys given a penance?"

Lovino remembered that yes, yes he had. He grimaced. He figured he went through all of that already, he might as well do the penance and seal the deal, so to speak. What was that passage again? Mark something. Mark…Mark…Mark 9:47. "Yeah." He said. "Just a couple prayers and a bible verse. Nothing huge. Do we have a bible, Grandpa?"

Roma looked at him incredulously. "Lovino, of course we do. Did you really think we didn't?" He laughed lightly and Lovino felt his ears burn. All he did was misspeak, for God's sakes.

"I meant to ask where we kept it." Lovino muttered.

"Bookcase by the TV," said Roma. "How about you, Feli?"

Feliciano visibly tensed. Lovino remembered that he hadn't been given a penance or even a conclusion- Feliciano had been yelled at until it became too much for him. That was the end of it. "Oh! I have to do the same thing. Prayers and a bible verse, yep! That's it!" said Feliciano. He chuckled in that weirdly unnatural way.

Roma didn't seem to notice. "Why don't you two do that before you go to bed tonight? It's easier to sleep when you're right with God, after all."

Feliciano bit his lip and seemed to take a sudden interest in his napkin. Lovino knew Roma had meant well in what he said, but he couldn't help but be slightly annoyed that he had said it. Lovino sighed and looked at his half-finished plate of food- he had lost his appetite. "Can I be excused, Grandpa?"

"Well, sure, Lovino. Is everything alright?" asked Roma.

Might as well lie. He was getting pretty good at it. "I'm fine." Lovino said. "I'm not very hungry. I thought I might as well go do that penance."

Roma nodded. "Alright. Go ahead." With that, he turned his attention to Feliciano and asked about his painting. Lovino carried his plate to the kitchen and grabbed the bible off the bookshelf before retreating to the safety of his room. Feliciano and Roma were likely happy that he left them alone.

Lovino sat down on his bed and opened the bible to the passage he was assigned. During the time he spend searching for it, he grew nervous. God only knows what strange passage someone like Father O'Brian would assign to him. He finally found the passage and Lovino focused his eyes on the tiny print.

"And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell."

Lovino read the words over and over again. What kind of advice was this? Was Father O'Brian suggesting that he yank his eye out? Okay, maybe that was too literal. If anything, the passage was relevant to what he'd been forced into confessing. Lovino remembered the incredibly uncomfortable, humiliating exchange and shook his head rather violently. Perhaps it would be best to forget that ever happened.

In an attempt to force the incident out of his mind, Lovino walked down the hallway to Feliciano's room to give him the bible. Even though he hadn't actually been assigned a passage, Feliciano could read some random paragraph to convince Roma he had. Lovino arrived at his door and knocked.

Feliciano opened it right away. "Hi, Lovi!" He said. Lovino handed him the bible. "Oh, thanks! I don't know what I'll read, though."

Lovino shrugged. "It doesn't matter. The important thing is convincing Grandpa today went better than it did." He paused. "Speaking of that, Feliciano, why can't we tell him? Don't tell me you actually want to keep going back there."

Feliciano flipped through the tissue-thin pages absent-mindedly. "I don't want to keep going for the sermons or the priest."

Lovino was instantly confused. Wasn't that the entire point of going to church? "Then why do you want to go?"

"It's important to Grandpa that we get confirmed," said Feliciano. "I like our group. Ludwig is there, plus Alfred and Matthew seem really nice and I haven't even gotten to get to know them yet!" Feliciano looked up from the book and looked Lovino directly in the eyes. "Antonio is really nice too. And, I think you want to keep seeing him, Lovi. I think he wants you to keep coming, too."

Antonio. Lovino had almost managed to force the thoughts about him out of his mind. "What gives you that idea?" He snapped. "Antonio is an idiot! Besides, he only talks to me because…" Because I'm always alone. He feels bad for me. "Because that's his job!" Lovino said finally.

Feliciano smiled and shook his head. "Well, why don't you tell him that then?"

"Tell him what?"

"If you don't want to talk to him, tell him to leave you alone." Feliciano sounded innocent enough, but Lovino knew better. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Lovino looked away. "Because…" He grappled for a decent explanation, for a lie, and finally found one. "He wouldn't do that. He would keep talking to me anyway."

"Really? Have you tried?" asked Feliciano. That cute, unassuming voice was driving Lovino up the wall.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to bed." He said. "Are you sure you're alright? Everything is okay with the potato bastard?"

Feliciano giggled at the nickname. "Yeah, I'm okay now. And everything is fine with Ludwig, Lovi. Goodnight!" He said. With that, he shut the door.

Lovino sighed. He may love his little brother, but he drove him insane sometimes.

.

Lovino knew he was dreaming. That much was painfully clear; because he was sure what was happening could never happen during his waking hours. He would never be brave enough to give into this dirty, hidden urge. He would never even be able to admit to having such a craving when he was awake, not even to himself.

That, and Lovino had never been this turned on in his life. And dammit, this dream was vivid.

Antonio had him pinned against the sofa in the storage room. The setting was painfully ironic, but Lovino was far too occupied to care. The only thing that mattered were Antonio's lips on his neck, his warm hands sliding down his abdomen and the weight of his toned body pressing against his. He had lost his shirt somewhere along the line. In this reality, his arm wasn't scarred.

Antonio finally met his eyes. His green eyes were darker, hungrier. "Lovino…" This wasn't the way that Antonio usually said his name, no. In this dream, this absurd, amazing, confusing and wonderful dream- Antonio was moaning his name, like it took everything he had not to rip Lovino's clothes off. The worst part was Lovino wished he would give in. No. This wasn't what he wanted, this was a nightmare, this was ridiculous- who was he kidding? Lovino knew this was exactly what he wanted; no matter how much that angered or terrified him.

Screw it.

Lovino grabbed Antonio and pulled him against him. Without warning they were kissing, biting, grabbing at each other in desperation. Antonio pressing his hips into Lovino like he couldn't control himself was almost too much to handle. The sensations were almost too real to be a dream.

Lovino ran his hands through Antonio's dark hair, down his tanned chest and across his sculpted back. He wanted to memorize what this felt like, because he knew that the second he opened his eyes, the second this fantasy world broke away, he would return to reality and never experience anything so amazing ever again. This was a dream that could never become reality.

Antonio's hands traveled lower, lower until Lovino was on the brink of losing himself. "Antonio…"

The loudest crack of thunder there ever was erupted in the sky and Lovino's eyes flew open. Just like that, he was back in the bland, frustrating existence that was real life. He groaned. They hadn't had rain for weeks. Out of all the nights it could have stormed, it had to storm like the apocalypse was starting tonight?

Maybe it wasn't a coincidence. In a moment of madness Lovino imagined God- who in this instance looked a lot like Father O'Brian- sitting on a cloud and throwing lightning bolts down to earth like Zeus in Greek mythology to stop teenage boys from having dirty dreams.

Lovino fought the urge to cover his head with his pillow and scream at the top of his lungs. The small piece of him that was still being reasonable demanded to know why in the hell he would ever have that dream. In reality, he knew exactly why it had happened. Every touch that made Lovino feel like he was on fire, every long moment of eye contact and every word spoken to him in that lilting Spanish accent was torturous. He could only deny the attraction for so long.

Lovino had to face the horrifying truth. Repressing and denying the existence of that powerful urge, that want that nearly ate him alive, was bound to lead up to something like this. Lovino just never acknowledged it. He didn't want to. He wasn't ready. And yet here he was, practically panting with lust and sweating like he'd just run a marathon.

Stupid Antonio. If it weren't for him, Lovino wouldn't have to deal with this crap. He wouldn't have to second-guess himself ten times a day. He wouldn't have to do mental gymnastics to convince himself he felt differently than he did. In the midst of his frustration, Lovino rolled onto his stomach- well, he tried. He quickly understood that he was still far too aroused to sleep comfortably. With the remnants of the dream still lingering stubbornly in his mind, that wasn't going to change.

Not unless he did something about it.

Lovino tried to resist the urge, he really did. He was told it was wrong, that it was dirty. The person in his thoughts driving him to do it probably made it even more so. But the sound of Antonio's moans refused to leave his mind. He sighed softly in resignation and closed his eyes, allowing his hand to wander beneath his waistband. He was grateful for the pounding of the rain. It prevented him from hearing the embarrassing sounds he made when he did so.

"That bastard." Lovino's words fell hot against the pillow and he lost himself in the wrong, ridiculous fantasy. He closed his eyes tighter, let go of the last of his better judgment and his touch soon became Antonio's. "That bastard…" Soon, there was no need for words.

.

The week managed to pass with some semblance of normality. Feliciano wasn't perfect, but after his secret was revealed and his situation with Ludwig was stable, he was getting there. He was smiling more, looking less nervous. He was at Ludwig's house almost more often than he was at his own. Lovino was able to keep Antonio off his mind just enough that he would keep his sanity. Overall, things were calm.

When they arrived at church on Sunday, Lovino made it a point to avoid even seeing Antonio. Instead of loitering in the lobby, he made sure Feliciano found Ludwig then set off to wander the halls. He was somewhat embarrassed to be running away from his problems like this, like a child, but he couldn't face Antonio after everything. He had pushed him away, sworn at him…maybe that was nothing new, but then there was that dream… Lovino had no idea how he was going to face him during group.

He found Feliciano and Ludwig again when everyone was filling into the main church. He felt like a bit of a third wheel, but anything was better than sitting with Antonio. He definitely did not want to see him. At the same time Lovino felt empty, knowing that Antonio was there but he wasn't with him, not paying attention to him. It was truly mystifying, not to mention complicated and aggravating as hell.

Just before the sermon began, Lovino turned to Feliciano. "Feli, I want you to ignore this. Do not take anything he says seriously. Alright?" Feliciano hesitated for a moment and nodded.

Thankfully, the sermon was one of the tamer ones. The threats of hell and mentions of sin were still there, but Father O'Brian spoke mostly about the retreat coming up the following weekend. Lovino froze when he mentioned it. The retreat, of course! How could he have forgotten about it? Then again, maybe it just a good thing that he did. God knows he didn't need another thing to deal with last week.

The walk to group might as well have been a walk to the electric chair. Lovino trailed far behind Feliciano and Ludwig, feeling his heartbeat grow quicker with every step he took. He knew he shouldn't care this much. For his own sake, he shouldn't care at all. But dammit, he did care. He cared way too fucking much. When he finally reached the door, he expected Antonio to scowl at him, to ignore him, to make him feel terribly guilty for leaving the way he did last week…

"LOVINO!"

Lovino had run through a lot of possibilities in his mind, but what Antonio actually ended up doing matched up with none of them. He supposed he should have expected that because come on, this was Antonio. Antonio ran towards him like they hadn't seen each other in years, smiling like an absolute maniac the entire time, and hugged him. In front of everyone.

"Lovi, I was worried you wouldn't come today!"

Lovino didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stood there, stiff as a board, face turning red at an alarming pace. He tried to ignore the massive flood of relief and the buzzing sensation under his skin that came with the embrace. All he could do was watch in silent horror as the rest of his group members stared at the scene blankly, more than likely wondering why Antonio was so excited to see him in particular.

Lovino finally came to his senses and broke away. "What the hell is your problem? I decided to sit with my brother today, was it really that big of a deal?"

Antonio shook his head and chuckled lightly. For the first time since he got there, Lovino got a good look at his eyes. The minute he did, a blush spread all the way to his collarbone like a rash. All he could think about was the hungry way those eyes looked at him in his dream, the side of Antonio he would never get to see, the side he wasn't even sure existed- NO! Inappropriate! Inappropriate!

There was a long moment of silence as Lovino shuffled to his seat next to Feliciano, flustered and humiliated but desperately trying to hide it. Feliciano only made it worse when he nudged him with his elbow playfully. "Oh, you are definitely his favorite, Lovino!" He whispered. Lovino didn't answer. He couldn't afford to.

Antonio sat down and starting rifling through his papers like nothing had happened, like Lovino's heart wasn't threatening to explode out of his chest and everyone in the room wasn't staring at him. Thankfully, Antonio didn't take long to begin speaking. "As I'm sure you are all aware, we will be going on our retreat next weekend."

There was a collective groan.

Antonio almost pouted. He could look so young sometimes. "Awe, come on! This will be fine, I promise. I'm sure I will find a way to make it fun." He said with a smile. "Anyways, we will all meet here Friday evening and take a bus to our location."

"Sorry, but what are we going to be doing there, exactly?" asked Matthew. His voice was barely audible.

Lovino realized this was never specified. He looked in Antonio's general direction- making sure to avoid eye contact- and waited for an answer. It wasn't exactly comforting when he saw that Antonio looked just as unsure as everyone else. "Well…" he began. "I'm not entirely certain."

There was a long, awkward silence. Alfred broke it. "So, we're going to be sent off to some weird place to do things we don't know about?" This time, Matthew didn't do anything to stop him from speaking. "That sounds awfully sketchy, bro."

Antonio opened his mouth but quickly shut it. Lovino was shocked when he finally glanced at his eyes and saw they had grown dark, serious. "Guys," he said, his voice firm. "You will all be just fine. Nothing is going to happen and no one is going to harm any of you. I simply won't allow it to happen."

Lovino just stared at him, forgetting that he had ever been embarrassed. The ambiguity in that statement was anything but calming. Did that mean Antonio expected something to happen? If so, what was it? There was only one thing he could be certain about: This 'retreat' was going to be anything but pleasant.

Feliciano seemed to think otherwise. "This is going to be just like summer camp! We can tell ghost stories and everything!"

Alfred turned white as a sheet. "How about we don't do that?" His voice was unnaturally high. Matthew had to cover his mouth to stifle his laughter, and Alfred chuckled nervously when he realized he was. "Not that I'm scared of ghosts or anything, I mean, that would be less than heroic!" The way his voice caught on the word 'ghosts' suggested that was far from the truth.

Antonio bit back a laugh. "I'm sure we'll find a way to entertain everyone." He said. "The permission slips were taken care of during registration, so all you guys have to do is pack. Bring whatever you need, but try to pack light."

Lovino wondered what he should pack. Some kind of weapon for self-defense in case of forced confessions, perhaps? Maybe bring a towel to use after the inevitable holy water dousing? He could think of nothing he could bring to protect him from sleep deprivation, however, knowing that he would likely be expected to sleep mere feet from Antonio. Nothing could prepare him for that.

The rest of group was spent going over menial technicalities about the trip. Feliciano looked excited for reasons that were beyond Lovino's comprehension. He babbled excitedly to Ludwig, made arrangements to share a bunk and called the top one. Lovino shot Ludwig a warning glare. He didn't like the idea of Feliciano sleeping anywhere near him.

Antonio clapped his hands once. "That'll be all. Have a nice week, everyone!" He said. Lovino stood up, intending to get home, sit in his room and try not to worry himself into a tizzy. But of course, Antonio could never let him go that easy. "Lovino, could you stay for a moment? There was a small issue with your paperwork."

Lovino sighed in resignation. "Feliciano, wait for me in the lobby." He said. Feliciano nodded and immediately began talking to Ludwig again as they walked out. He was probably used to waiting for him, since Antonio seemed to want to speak with him after class every damn week. Alfred and Matthew exited the room right behind them.

When Matthew shut the door, Lovino became painfully aware that he was alone with Antonio. That shouldn't have been a big deal, it shouldn't have affected him, but in a moment of absolute insanity he expected Antonio to pounce on him like a wild animal in heat. His face grew hot the second it crossed his mind. That stupid dream just had to complicate everything.

Antonio looked amused. "Lovino, is everything alright? You look a bit flushed."

Shit. "Everything is fine," mumbled Lovino. He did his best to push the memory of the dream from his thoughts. "What's wrong with my paperwork?"

"Your paperwork is fine." Antonio said and smiled slightly. He almost looked shy. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Lovino instantly filled with doubt. "Why?" Why would you want to talk to me? Why do still pay attention to me after all I've done?

"Why not?" Antonio sat down on the couch next to him. Lovino could think of about a million reasons why not, but he didn't say anything. "Actually, I wanted to ask about last week…is everything okay?"

That question was more loaded than Antonio probably realized. "There was an…incident with Feliciano, but everything is fine now." At least Lovino thought that was the truth.

Antonio tilted his head. "Incident? Is this about confession?"

"Sort of." Lovino shifted uncomfortable in his seat. Should he tell him? Well, Antonio should understand more than anyone. "He and Ludwig are…a thing, apparently. It didn't exactly go over well when he confessed it. He's alright now."

Antonio's eyes widened. "Oh! Oh, wow. That wasn't something I expected!" He said. He blinked away his shock and smiled. "They are pretty cute together."

Lovino glared at him. "Shut up, bastard!"

Antonio chuckled. "Well, you are his older brother." Without warning, his smile faded. "Is that the only reason you're upset?"

"What do you mean?" asked Lovino. He had no idea what he meant by that.

Antonio looked away. "Oh, nothing. I thought it might come as a shock to you that Feliciano would be in that kind of relationship, that's all."

Oh. Lovino knew this wasn't entirely about Feliciano. It was hard to believe Antonio was still hung up about that; still convinced Lovino would pass judgment on him. In an attempt to be dismissive, he shrugged. "I don't know about the kraut, but as long as Feliciano is treated right, I don't really care."

Antonio visibly relaxed. "That's very mature of you, Lovi."

There he went again, using the word 'mature.' Lovino quickly changed the subject. "Why did you hug me in front of everyone?" …And that sounded the opposite of mature. Lovino bit his cheek. Could speaking to Antonio never be simple?

Antonio stayed quiet for too long. Lovino looked at him and- oh no. Was Antonio blushing? Lovino quickly directed his gaze to the ground, fearing he might blush as well. Finally, Antonio cleared his throat and spoke. "I was just so happy to see you." He said. His blush deepened and Lovino about died. "I was afraid you were mad at me."

Antonio really did have a way of looking and sounding way younger than he was. "Why would he be mad at you?" Lovino tried to sound annoyed. "That's stupid." This whole thing was stupid. He tried to be mad at Antonio, he tried on several occasions, but he could never quite bring himself to do it. This wasn't supposed to happen to him, dammit.

Antonio smiled sheepishly. "I guess I allowed my imagination to run wild again." He paused again, looking hesitant to continue. "I wanted to give you something."

Lovino blinked a few times, taken off guard and downright confused. "What?"

Antonio reached into his pocket and Lovino looked away. If he were blushing again, it would be the end of him. When he finally looked at him, Antonio was holding a folded scrap of paper. Lovino took it and hesitantly unfolded it. It was…a number? Antonio looked apologetic. "I know this crosses just about every boundary in existence, but I thought you should have it. Just in case you ever need someone to talk to."

Lovino stared at the numbers like he didn't know what they were. He tried to ignore that Antonio had written his name on the paper and dotted the 'I' with a heart. "What makes you think I'd want to call you?" He said, hoping his spiteful words would distract Antonio from the redness forming on his cheeks.

Antonio shrugged. "If you never use it, that's fine."

Lovino could have done a lot of things with that scrap of paper. He could have thrown it back in his face, he could have ripped it into tiny pieces, he could have found a trashcan to throw it in, but instead he placed it carefully in his pocket. Right then, that piece of paper was the most important thing he owned. He didn't even have the numbers of his supposed friends at school. For the first time in awhile, he felt…special.

Lovino ignored the tiny flutter in his chest. "Fine." He said. "I should go now."

Antonio nodded. When he didn't try to hug him, Lovino nearly let himself be disappointed. He fingered the paper in his pocket as he walked out, and he wondered why his eyes were suddenly bleary.

To be continued...