Chapter Twelve - Shadows

Last night had been one of the longest conversations Harry had had since the end of the tournament. He was still to decide how he fell that this conversation was with sodding Malfoy. For now, Harry felt energetic. Not the physical kind of energetic, more the busting energy that one gets when working towards something. After having set his goal of eating healthy and actually succeeding for the night, perhaps, just perhaps Harry could do this. He could set small goals and work towards them one step at a time, then maybe somehow, he would feel less... less... tired? Less afraid? Less useless?

Today is to be a good day. It had been decided the moment he woke up at the lake and had actually slept. He had eaten breakfast for the first time in days- melons did count and were healthy he had decided. And so today Harry would just ignore the classes. What the hell would he care if he missed the final classes of the year. They would just get to hear the same drill of not letting the holidays make one forget about their studies. All uselessly boring, all not applying to Harry's summer anyway, and most certainly not applying to the life and death situations he seemed to get himself into every year.

Nope, today was going to be a good day, Harry thought as he walked determinedly towards the pitch, broom in hand. The most brilliant idea he had had in weeks. Sure, last time he flew it was against a murdering dragon- shaking his head to remove the thoughts. He couldn't think like that. Flying was freedom, and so flying is what he would be doing. In his head he was creating his list of goals, to make him get out of bed in the morning. Starting it off easy, Harry wasn't sure if he had the energy nor the courage to set goals further away than a week from now. But today's goal was flying and here he was. Smiling.

The warm summer wind embraced his body as he flew over the forbidden forest and passed the lake, practicing the old manoeuvres which he had learned last year, and carelessly flying without a destination. Lunch was spent in a treetop facing the mountains behind the castle. Afternoon went by easily, laying in the green hills overlooking the booked quidditch pitch as a couple of Slytherins played against one another.

Harry wasn't ready to face the students at dinner and so he ate in the kitchens with Winkey and Dobby as company. The guilt of Winkey's sorrow and Dobby's admiration was pushed far away. They actually had a lot of fun trying to taste and improve the recipes- Winkey solemnly editing her notebook full of recipes- making her feel useful, which in turn made Dobby and Harry all the more prepared to go with her ideas. When entering the common room, Hermione was kicked by Ron, thus wisely shutting her mouth. No scolding came that day. He bid them goodnight and fell on his bed. Exhausted.

Later he knew the dark would swallow him again, it had been pushed away all day purely by his determination. The thoughts always escalated. The emotions unknown. Still Harry gave in to the small smile on his face. Today he had set a goal. Today he had achieved something. As long as there were possibilities just like today, Harry could do this. He would do this. And so he fell asleep, light and calm. Smiling still.

It was a good day.

After the night fell and the sky grew pitch dark, Harry was lying flat on his back in bed. He had succumbed to sleep various times only to be wakened by his own screaming. It was just one of those nights. His day might have been wonderful, but his night was turning out to be far from this. He was looking for the courage to get out of bed, maybe to sit in the common room, in front of the warm and welcoming fireplace, but he couldn't find it. He felt stuck to his bed, stuck in his room. His thought kept swirling, thinking about the days to come in the summer. Staying with the Dursleys, again. Troubled, he fell asleep once more.

Around 4 am he awoke again, this time without screaming, just silent tears rolling down his face. He hugged himself while he tried to take control of his mind again. It seemed something else had taken over, like he was just visiting the horrors over and over again, without having any control.

He wanted to get up, walk to the lake and find his peace. Maybe Malfoy would be there again. He could enjoy the silence. But he couldn't. He found himself hopelessly wanting to move but staying exactly where he was. He couldn't find any way to actually get up and walk down the stairs. The feeling of being stuck moved from his mind to his body, as he sat up against his headboard to watch the curtains around his bed move with the wind. It gave him little peace.

He stayed like that, thinking about the lake, hoping his body would move, but not moving, for the rest of the night. Sleep might have come, maybe it hadn't. Harry wouldn't have noticed anyway.

As Harry moved down to the Great Hall the next morning, he felt agitated. It had been one of the only nights in the last weeks where he hadn't gone down to the lake. Had Malfoy waited for him? Had he let another person down?

His gaze shifted towards the Slytherin table almost immediately, but the blonde was not to be found yet. As he sat down and prepared his tea, he kept looking towards the table, unfortunately never finding its target. He stayed there, sipping his tea, hoping to catch sight of Malfoy. He didn't know why he wanted to see Malfoy this badly, but he hoped it might give him some sort of peace.

As he had been staring at his tea for the last hour -people drifting in and out around him- he suddenly felt a tingling sensation, like he was being watched. His eyes shot up, and looked right into the grey eyes of Malfoy across the hall. They stared at each other for a moment, or two, and Malfoy was looking at him intently, like he was trying to figure something out.

After some time, the blonde elegantly raised one eyebrow, silently asking Harry the question if he was alright. At least, that is what Harry assumed. Harry felt taken aback for a moment, at the almost, but not quite, kind face Malfoy was giving him and gave a soft smile as an answer. Just like that, the moment was broken. Malfoy looked away and started sipping his tea, but Harry didn't mind.

He had gotten his peace for now.

Unfortunately for him, his peace was short-lasting. The following night Harry woke up after what seemed like hours of watching a snake killing a muggle family.

Finding it was only three in the morning he got up and without even thinking about it he soon found himself next to a quiet Malfoy under the tree, watching the lake.

Pouring a cup of tea for the both of them he saw Malfoy had brought him a treacle tart, but to his surprise there was now also the same fancy (way to expensive looking) chocolate, definitely made for Malfoy personally, he mused. The surprise not being the green velvet blanked they laid on, nor the golden box with green and silver details, but the clear absence of strawberries. Feeling a bit more comfortable talking to Malfoy, Harry unconsciously laughed out loud.

Malfoy immediately turning his grey eyes towards him, seemed to immediately know what Harry was thinking. Throwing up his hands in surrender, "Alright you got me, I had chocolate left over and the house elf was very adamant in not giving me strawberries again after having eaten so many before. Which I by the way blame you for entirely."

It was now Harry's turn to throw up his hands as he remembered his diner the day before, keeping in his laughter that came bubbling at the memory "I must confess that I have eaten quite some strawberries with Dobby and Winkey yesterday, since both seemed to be raised as ridiculously as you, not accepting either of the two without the other. We might have finished the strawberry stash due to the changes Winky kept making to her chocolate recipe that we had to keep trying."

"Are you telling me you had dinner with two house elves, and one of them made you, a wizard, eat more food on command?"

"Ehm, I guess so, was that really the most important thing you remembered from my explanation? Malfoy, I ate the strawberries, I confessed, you might want to focus on berating me, this is your chance after all."

"Oh I already told you yesterday, it is allowed to only eat chocolate, as long as the other ingredients are not served as well. You must listen better to me Potter, I am always right, my lessons are golden remember that."

Challenge still in their eyes they smirked at each other- there was no more hostility in their words anymore. Merlin it felt good again to banter with Malfoy.

He slowly sat down, ignoring the chocolate- for he had had way too much this week already- and just poured both cups of tea for the time being.

Shifting himself Harry found comfort in in reflection of the moon in the lake, the hot tea between his hands and the quiet understanding between Malfoy and him. For now they both embraced the silence and the comfort they had with each other.

When the first light embraced the darkness, signalling the next day Malfoy broke the silence "I wish I could stay here forever." Harry was a little startled by Malfoy's proclamation and showed this a bit too much by jumping a little from his seat. Malfoy looked at him with one eyebrow risen high up. Harry looked away embarred as he realised how stupid he must have looked. "Yeah, uhm, yeah me too," he reacted quickly, still looking away, embarrassed to a fault.

After composing himself and waiting for something to happen, Harry decided he should take matters into his own hands and finally ask the burning question that he had been carrying with him the moment Malfoy sat down beside him. He looked to Malfoy for a moment, taking in the boy sitting next to him. He looked thinner than normal, his skin even paler and his eyes looked tired. He was a mess. Harry was surprised he hadn't noticed it before, how could he not have? The boy next to him looked almost as bad as him, if not worse.

He coughed a little to get Malfoy's attention. When Malfoy turned to look at him, straight into his eyes creepily enough, he held his gaze for a moment and nervously asked "You okay?" it didn't take Malfoy more than a second to answer, "Of course I'm okay Potter, don't even think for a second I am like you." Harry was taken aback by such a direct and frankly mean answer.

"Why would you say that? I am only trying to help Malfoy."

"I don't need your help."

"So, you admit you need help from someone?"

"What... No? Ugh just shut your mouth."

"No need to be so rude about it."

"Just shut it Potter, damn it." Harry left 10 minutes after that.

Quite annoyed indeed.