Author's Note: Someone in the reviews mentioned the documentary "Jesus Camp." I find it necessary to mention that I watched that damn thing about three times as an unintentional horror movie. It actually helped to inspire the next couple chapters. Watch it if you wish, it's terrifying.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (John 4:18)

When Antonio said his name, Lovino was sure he was dreaming again. Then he felt himself being lightly jostled, and he opened his eyes to see that the bus had stopped moving. They had arrived. Even if he wasn't asleep any more, this was a nightmare. His stomach dropped to his feet and his breath came too quickly as the fear of the unknown overtook him. No matter how unready he was, this was happening. It was happening right now.

The passengers got up and started out of the bus. When Lovino didn't move, Antonio said his name again. "Lovino?" He said. "Are you alright?"

No. No, no, no… "I'm fine." With that, he forced himself to stand up and followed Antonio outside.

The campgrounds looked harmless enough. Despite the fact that it had grown dark, it looked identical to your average, far from life threatening summer camp. Lovino retrieved his bag and waited for Antonio to do the same, guessing he would give them some kind of instruction. The rest of their group soon joined him and formed a small, clueless looking cluster in front of the bus.

Antonio looked just confident enough to not cause panic, but not confident enough to be reassuring. "I was just told we should put our stuff in our cabin and then go to the introduction."

Alfred yawned before his face contorted in a tired grimace. "It's like, ten at night. They're making us do something at ten at night?"

His protests were likely the unspoken ones of the entire group. They had all gone to school that day, it had been a long trip, and they were tired. That much was obvious. Antonio looked sympathetic if not exhausted himself. "I'm sure it won't be long," he said. "Let's find our cabin, shall we?"

Lovino walked with the rest of his group – or in Feliciano's case, dragged half-asleep by Ludwig – to their assigned cabin. It didn't look like a terrible place to sleep. It was small, warm and attached to a bathroom. To Lovino's relief, the bathroom included shower stalls. The cabin contained three bunk beds. Feliciano, suddenly completely awake, clamored into one of the top bunks and instructed Ludwig to take the one below it. Alfred and Matthew took another set of beds, which left the last for Antonio and Lovino. Lovino wasn't surprised. It seemed as though things always ended up this way.

Antonio walked up to the last bunk bed and glanced at Lovino. "Do you prefer top or bottom, Lovi?"

Lovino felt his internal temperature double and his heart all but burst from his chest. "Excuse me?" He nearly shouted.

Antonio blinked, looking confused. "All I asked is which bed you want."

Of course, of course he was talking about the stupid beds. Antonio just had a way of making everything sound unintentionally suggestive. At least that was what Lovino told himself. "Right." He attempted to sound nonchalant, like he wasn't growing lightheaded at the thought of sleeping so close to Antonio. "Yeah, I'll take…I'll take the higher up one." He winced at the unnatural phrasing but ignored it, instead setting off to drag his suitcase up the ladder.

Once everyone had claimed beds and used the restroom, it was time to go to this so-called 'introduction.' Once again, cold dread had settled in Lovino's stomach. He hated the unknown, and he always found himself on edge when no one told him what he going to happen. Feliciano was always the one to just go with the flow. Lovino was never great at handling uncertainty. Much to his distain, he found that he was more comfortable walking next to Antonio as they made their way there, so that's exactly what he did. During that time, no one said anything.

They eventually ended up in what looked to be a small auditorium. It looked innocent enough- just several rows of chairs, a stage with a podium, and a few screens. Nothing you wouldn't find in an ordinary church or even a camp of sorts. If that was true, why did Lovino feel an overpowering sense of danger wrap around him like a snake? He was suddenly on edge, as if he expected to be jumped at any given moment. This was the same feeling he got whenever he entered the church back home, only amplified times ten. More than anything, he wanted to break out into a run and not stop until he was home.

"Lovino?"

Lovino jumped and nearly squeaked. He was instantly humiliated when he realized it was only Antonio who spoke. "What do you want?"

Antonio frowned, his brow furrowed. "You've turned white as a sheet. Are you feeling ill?"

"No." Lovino's response was too quick, just a tick too loud. "No. I'm fine. Can we just sit down?" His legs had turned to jelly. He felt that if he didn't sit down he would collapse on the spot, as if he needed any more humiliation that day.

This was ridiculous, dammit. This unfounded anxiety was downright absurd. Everything would be fine. Lovino was sure he was just being stupid, immature and ridiculous just like always. Of course he was acting that way because he was stupid, immature, ridiculous and dammit Antonio was already sitting down and he was still standing around like an idiot.

Lovino quickly sat down next to Antonio near the back of the room. His faint dizziness only grew when he felt Antonio place his hand on his shoulder. "I can take you to the nurse, Lovi. You really don't look well."

Lovino shrugged dramatically to free himself from the burning touch. He didn't need this right now. "I told you, I'm fine. Jesus Christ," he said through clenched teeth.

Antonio looked as though he was going to protest further, but he didn't have the time. The light, fleeting chatter in the room died in an instant when a man appeared on the stage and the lights dimmed. Christ, why were the lights dimmed? It made more sense when what looked like the beginning of power-point presentation flashed on the screens. Lovino hesitantly looked up to read it, and the moment he did his anxiety doubled. In glaring, bright red letters set against a black background were the words: THE PUNISHMENT FOR SIN IS DEATH.

He looked at Antonio as if he would have an answer, his eyes wide. "What kind of introduction is this?" His tone was downright accusatory, even though Antonio had done nothing to cause this. He didn't respond, didn't move- Antonio didn't do anything that suggested he was still alive. Lovino wondered if he should remind him to continue breathing.

Now thoroughly confused, Lovino leaned forward in an attempt to read his expression. The look in Antonio's eyes suggested only one emotion- the pure, raw essence of fear. Lovino had to do a double take. This was a look he'd never seen in those usually bright and cheerful green eyes, and he didn't like the change one bit. The terror was contagious, like an infectious disease. His chest tightened like someone had a hold on his lungs. "Antonio?"

He didn't respond.

Lovino knew one thing and one thing only. Something was wrong.

There was no time to turn back. There was no time to run, no time to think and no time to block anything out. Before Lovino could even tear his gaze away from Antonio, a video began playing on the screens.

"Now, watch closely," said a man's voice from the screen. It took Lovino a moment to register what he was looking at. Then the scene changed to a drawing of large group of people, standing on rocks over what looked like…a lake of fire. Oh, no. "Look the all the people that have died in their sins!"

Lovino felt his hands start to tremble and his breath speed up. He closed his eyes, but that did nothing to block out the words. The voice, accompanied by ominous music, continued. "Jesus loved these people enough to leave heaven, and warn them about hell and judgment." No, no, stop, please… "He shed his precious blood, God's blood, to wash away their sins. He died and rose from the dead…but none of these people believed him!"

Lovino finally opened his eyes, but avoided looking at the screen at all costs. Instead, he looked down the aisle. Antonio still had that terrifying, shell-shocked expression on his frozen face. Alfred and Matthew just looked dumbfounded. Feliciano had turned to Ludwig, who was desperately trying to keep him calm. Goddammit, he was just getting better! He was just starting to forget about all of this! Lovino quickly realized this wasn't Catholicism or Christianity anymore, it was a cult following. And they had all been thrown directly into the spiral of insanity.

"None of them made Jesus their Lord and savior. Instead of choosing life, they chose death." A blood-curdling scream of agony shot from the screen. Lovino recoiled in his seat, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Feliciano bury his face in Ludwig's shoulder. "So Jesus, as God almighty and final judge, had to send them here to their final death!" Another scream. Lovino could almost hear Feliciano crying over the unnecessarily loud video. His heart seized in a strange mix of sympathy and rage.

"In the name of God, before you die, before it's too late…" There was a demonic laugh. Oh, what the hell. Was that even necessary? What was this? Lovino made the mistake of glancing up at the video, only to be met by a graphic depiction of someone burning. He quickly shut his eyes again. "…Believe Jesus, and make him your Lord and Savior before you end up in this horrible place! The lake of fire is the final place for all who reject Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior."

After a final recorded scream filled the room, the lights came on. It was over. It was finally over. The video couldn't have been much more than a minute long, but it felt like several decades had passed between the moment it started and the moment it ended. Before anyone had time to recover, to begin breathing again, a man appeared behind the podium. Lovino had no clue who he was, yet he already wanted to throttle him. When he spoke, he sounded much too calm, much too friendly given the atmosphere. "Seems like a bit much, doesn't it?"

A bit much? They had just been shown something that was a thousand times worse than a death threat, something that caused Feliciano to cry, and this guy had the nerve to call it a bit much? Lovino grit his teeth and balled his hands into fists without realizing it. It took everything he had to keep from screaming.

"What you were just shown was not meant to scare you!" The statement was so unbelievably false Lovino almost laughed. "In fact, you should be happy. If you all remain on the one, true path, you don't have to worry about any of this!"

Lovino could not listen to this anymore. In desperate need of a distraction, he looked at Antonio for the first time since the video started. His eyes widened at what he saw. Who he was looking at was not the free-spirited, perpetually happy Antonio he knew. His eyes were squeezed shut, his facial expression suggested he was in an unthinkable amount of pain, his chest rose and fell at a terrifyingly fast pace- much too fast to be healthy- and his shoulders trembled like he was a leaf in the wind. This was a sickeningly familiar sight, and Lovino knew what was happening immediately: Antonio was having a panic attack.

A swirl of fright mixed with agony churned in Lovino's stomach. Seeing Antonio like this was the very definition of wrong. Why was no one else noticing this, dammit? Did anyone even care? All he knew was he had to do something. "Hey, bast-" Lovino quickly stopped himself. There was a time and place for insults, and this was neither the time nor the place. "Antonio."

Antonio finally opened his panic stricken, fast-moving eyes and glanced quickly at Lovino. He clutched his chest and looked away, looking almost ashamed. Lovino winced and his heart felt heavier, but that didn't matter. The only person that mattered right then was… "Antonio," Lovino said again, softer this time. "You're okay. Everything is fine."

It really was a miracle that no one else was noticing this. The man at the podium continued to ramble on about obedience and the rest of the group gave him their undivided attention. When Antonio finally spoke, it was in quiet, gasping whispers. "I can't do this. I can't. I can't…"

Growing more desperate by the second, Lovino reached across the seat as inconspicuously as he could and grasped Antonio's trembling hand in his. "Listen," whispered Lovino. Antonio looked at him, wide-eyed. "I promise you, everything is fine. You aren't in any danger."

Antonio closed his eyes again and nodded. Lovino felt his entire body erupt in cheers when he realized Antonio was starting to come back to him. He kept whispering anyway, just in case. "Breathe, Antonio." Antonio did what he was told, taking deep, careful breaths through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. Lovino almost smiled, but couldn't. "Good," he said. He knew 'good' was an understatement. Seeing Antonio come back down to earth was nothing short of fantastic.

"Thank you." Antonio breathed the words. "Dios mio, thank you, Lovino. I'm so sorry…" He squeezed Lovino's hand tighter as he mumbled something else he could not make out.

Lovino could not take this. He forced himself to look at the man at the podium, anything to save himself from seeing Antonio in so much pain. "Just keep breathing, dammit." The last thing Antonio needed was to send himself spiraling into another fit.

It wasn't that Lovino was simply making lucky guesses as to how to deal with someone in the throws of a panic attack. The only reason he knew was because Feliciano had suffered his first at thirteen, and they reared their ugly heads occasionally to this day. The minute Lovino had a term for it; he had gone to the Internet and done countless hours of research on the subject. What he had learned was fairly simple: Tell the person that everything is all right and they aren't in any danger. Reassure them that they will be okay soon. Don't scream at them, and for the love of God, don't tell them to relax. If they could, they would.

Lovino himself had only had one panic attack in his life. It was when he was fourteen, hadn't slept for several days and worked himself into a paranoid tizzy over a plethora of things. What it felt like was a total loss of control, like he was being tossed into a tornado or falling off the earth's surface. He was incredibly grateful that he didn't suffer from them repeatedly, but he would take them off his brother and onto his own shoulders in a heartbeat if he could. Lovino only had to talk Feliciano down from a handful of these attacks over the years, but they broke his heart in pieces each time.

Why did Antonio have to go through it now? How long had he been going through it? Goddammit, why was everyone around Lovino suffering when he deserved all of it so much more?

After a couple of minutes, Antonio was breathing normally again, the storm thrashing behind his eyes coming to a halt. Lovino found that it was only then that he could breathe normally as well. It was as if someone had tried anvils to his ankles and thrown him in the water, and only now was he able to untie them and break through the surface.

Lovino knew, somewhere between the spaces of his relief and fear, that this was not good. Antonio's emotions were becoming his own. He could feel himself being sucked into Antonio's gravitational pull, and he knew it would not be long before he lost all control. That was absolutely terrifying, but not more terrifying than losing him. Nothing was more terrifying than that, nothing but the fact that Antonio mattered so much to him in the first place. Lovino felt his will to fight his feelings off slipping like rain down a window.

The man by the podium said a few words in closing, and Lovino breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he had managed to tune out most of the speech. He hoped Antonio had too. Heaven knows he had enough on his plate that evening. When the other occupants of the room began to file out of the auditorium, whispering nervously to each other as they walked, Antonio looked as though he had regained enough of his composure to act somewhat normal.

"Alright." He sounded like he was trying to be encouraging, but his voice was far too shaky for that to be achieved. The broken, confused faces of his group members seemed to make him aware of this. He sighed. "It's been a long day. Let's just go to bed."

Only when they reached the cabins, no one was really in the mood to sleep anymore. The way they all glanced nervously at each other made that clear. Everyone was visibly exhausted beyond comprehension, but the heavy, ominous atmosphere that encased the entire campground was too prevalent to sleep through. Lovino knew that sleep would only bring whatever nightmares the next day held faster, and so did everyone else. Even so, an unspoken agreement hung in the air that no one dared break: They wouldn't speak of that video again, not for the entire duration of the trip. Never again would be an even better idea. They wouldn't speculate about the next day, either. With both of those things off the table, there was nothing else to talk about.

No one really wanted to sleep and it was doubtful anyone would be able to, but everyone collectively and silently decided to at least pretend. Lovino changed into his pajamas and started up the ladder, but he didn't get as far the second rung before he felt Antonio tug gently on his pant leg from where he was sitting on bottom bunk. "Lovino, can I say something to you?"

Lovino looked at him and tried to scowl, but it was as if his facial muscles were denying him the luxury. Besides, Antonio looked so innocent, so goddamn fragile after what had happened to him that Lovino didn't even want to scowl at him anymore. He didn't have the heart. He sighed quietly in resignation as if to give up on a personal battle, nodded silently and sat beside him. In a moment of madness Lovino thought his heartbeat was so loud he would disturb the others.

Antonio met his eyes in the darkened room. "I wanted to say thank you again, Lovi," he said. The only source of light was coming from the nearly full moon shining from the other side of the window. Lovino did everything in this power not to, but he couldn't stop himself from noticing the way the moonlight enveloped Antonio in a shimmering, silver glow. Lovino felt his head spin and his skin tingle with heat. No, for the love of all things holy, this was wrong in at least a million different ways…God, why was Antonio speaking again? "Really, Lovino. I can't thank you enough."

Lovino used every bit of willpower he had to squash down the bubbling nervousness mixed with desire that stirred in his chest. "Whatever. It was no big deal." He finally managed to say. It wasn't as though he had done anything incredible.

Antonio's smile fizzled out and died. "Not a big deal? I don't know what I would have done without your help." Antonio was speaking so quietly that Lovino had to lean in the tiniest bit to hear him. His heart slammed almost painfully against his ribcage as he did so. Antonio was likely speaking quietly out of courtesy, but at least part of Lovino was convinced he was trying to torture him. "I do apologize you had to see me like that."

Lovino shook his head and spoke before he thought about it. "Will you quit being so damn apologetic? It wasn't your fault." Well, it wasn't an untrue statement. Lovino shook his head again and tried to explain. "Feli… he gets like that sometimes, too. I've learned how to handle it."

Antonio gaped at him for a split second before his mouth twitched into a gentle, slightly incredulous smile. "Wow," he said in a breath. "That's incredibly selfless, Lovino." Antonio broke the tentative eye contact and gazed out the nearby window. "You truly are amazing."

Amazing. First interesting, then beautiful, and now Lovino was being moved up to amazing? His chest seized at the notion. When would this madness end? When would he emerge from this confusing, insane, wonderful and utterly unbelievable dream? He was mortified when he felt tears spring to his eyes. This was absolute proof of why he was anything but amazing. Of course, he could never be amazing. His thoughts became sudden, unthinking words before he could stop them.

"I'm not amazing." Then he looked unintentionally into Antonio's bright, understanding eyes that were looking at only him, looking at him like he really was amazing. Like he was amazing in his eyes. Lovino felt those damn tears blur his vision further and he was never more grateful for the dark. The stars must have been aligned a certain way, Lovino must have been in just a fragile enough emotional state, because the thoughts he had been repressing and denying and getting angry at sprung from his lips before he could squash them back down. "I'm not amazing, Antonio. You are."

Shit. SHIT. Lovino snapped back into awareness and reeled back. He had not meant to say that, not at all, never! This was humiliating. This was so bad, he'd ruined everything, what had he done, shit! He had done so much to keep his feelings safe and now he had ruined everything with two stupid, thoughtless words that had slipped his tongue. "Oh, mio dio…" Lovino muttered under his breath, cursing himself. "Dammit…" He wished he could take it back. Then the realization exploded in his mind and filled his body with ice: He didn't want to take it back. He meant it. "Just…shut up." Antonio hadn't even said anything. Lovino felt a rush of embarrassment and bit his lip to prevent himself from saying another stupid thing.

Antonio didn't respond with words right away. To Lovino's relief, he didn't laugh, either. He only looked at him with those same caring, wonderful eyes before he wrapped his arms around him. Lovino didn't shout or swear or push him away. After a good ten seconds he slowly, hesitantly brought his own arms behind Antonio's back and lowered his head to his shoulder. After all that had happened today, after these weeks of confusion, he felt safe like this. He felt right.

"Oh, Lovino," said Antonio. "I really wish you would give yourself the credit you deserve, because you are wonderful."

This was far more emotional chaos than Lovino could handle in one day, in one lifetime. He expected his rapidly pounding heart to give out on him soon. Thinking he couldn't take a second more of this, he pushed Antonio away, but it ended up being much weaker than he intended. It was more of a mutual end to the hug than a shove. "I'm going to bed." Lovino's voice caught in the middle of his sentence.

"Of course. Goodnight," said Antonio. "See you in the morning."

Lovino climbed the ladder as quietly as he could. It took an impressive amount of control not to fall off the thing considering how dizzy he was. Once he was lying down, he curled up as close to the wall as he could, painfully aware that Antonio was just a cheap slab of wood away from him.

This was too, too much. He had thought that countless times before, but it was really too much now. Now, it felt like his heart had swelled to an unbearable size and was near its breaking point, as if Lovino had been reduced to nothing but an overfilled balloon of emotion that he absolutely could not control anymore. He couldn't keep this up much longer, he would go insane, but he did not know how to stop what he was already doing. He felt the tears he had barely been able to hold back roll helplessly from his eyes. He would go insane if he didn't do something, at least say something, but he was so, so scared. And he hated himself for it.

But it wasn't only fear. In the back of his mind, in the bottom of his heart, Lovino knew there was no way Antonio would ever feel the same about someone like him.

There was no way to deny it anymore. In a final act of desperation to relieve the crushing pressure, Lovino balled up a section of the sheet near his mouth and whispered the three words he had managed to hide from Antonio. He said them so quietly that they barely reached his own ears, unsure if he wanted to hear himself say them, entirely sure he was not ready.

"I love you."

Author's Note Part Two: In case anyone was wondering about that video, it's REAL. I didn't change one little detail. Yep, I found it during my research for this fic and it was too insane not to use. So, if you would like to subject yourself to it, it's on youtube. /watch?v=AhBpStd1FMA

To be continued...