But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. (Timothy 6:9)

The next morning, Lovino awoke to find Antonio gone. At least he had kept his promise. The last thing he needed were the others questioning why he had their damn group leader in bed with him. When the alarm went off, he saw that Antonio was not only already awake, but up and scurrying about the cabin.

"Good morning, everyone." He waited until the others were sitting up in their bunks before he continued. "There's been a change of plans."

"Let me guess, they're going to beat all of us senseless?" muttered Alfred as he fumbled for his glasses.

Feliciano, who was still in the process of waking up, leaned against Ludwig. They had fallen asleep in the same bunk- provided Feliciano had slept at all, which was doubtful. "Can I stay here?" His voice was too quiet. "I don't want to get hurt again."

Ludwig grimaced. "If that man gets near you, I will make him regret it." He sounded deadly serious, and Lovino believed him. At least he was good for something.

Antonio waved his hands in front of him in an attempt to maintain some sort of order. "No! Nothing like that." He sighed heavily as if he had been holding his breath. "Actually, we're leaving today. The buses will be here in an hour."

The room fell silent, and Lovino felt his entire body relax. Still, it begged the question, "Weren't we supposed to leave around seven tonight?"

Antonio drew his lips into a thin line. "Well, yes. But after…what happened last night," he glanced apologetically at Feliciano, "the staff has decided to send everyone home early. They're calling it technical difficulties."

"What?" Lovino could not believe it. He didn't want to. This was getting more and more unreal by the second. "A priest hit a fifteen year old boy! Are we just supposed to forget about that?"

Feliciano winced, clearly uncomfortable. Out of the corner of his eye, Lovino saw Matthew sigh and collapse back against the bed. Alfred was the one the break the short-lived silence. "We should probably call the cops or something. I really don't think he can do that." He paused, his brow furrowing in confusion. "Is he even a priest? I'm really starting to think he's not actually a priest."

Antonio sighed and shook his head. "Can you all listen for a moment?" He leaned against the ladder on their bunk. "I want you to all understand that what happened last night is not something that Catholics support. Don't repeat this, but Father O'Brian is not a true Catholic or a man of God. He is a power hungry bigot." There was a collective nod. Lovino was sure that everyone had figured that out quite some time ago. Even so, Antonio cupped his head in his hands and continued to speak. "I said I wouldn't let anything happen. I failed. Feliciano, I am so sorry about what happened to you."

Feliciano offered a weak smile. "It doesn't even hurt anymore, Toni. It's okay."

Antonio shook his head. "No. No, it's not okay."

No one said anything.

.

While the bus ride there was filled with conversation, the ride back was nearly silent. This time, Antonio's group took the three seats nearest to the back of the bus. It was a defense mechanism of sorts, since Feliciano had become more or less of a mini-celebrity for the worst reason imaginable. Sitting in the back- especially when he was next to the large and intimidating Ludwig- no one bothered him. Antonio was uncharacteristically silent, not even offering Lovino an earbud or suggesting some ridiculous game. Having taken the window this time, he simply gazed out of it like he'd never seen the outside before.

Not knowing what to do with the silence, Lovino said the only thing that came to mind. "It's not like you to be so quiet." That was an understatement. Seeing Antonio silent, not smiling, not doing anything that made him who he was- it was downright frightening. What Lovino wanted to do was ask Antonio if he was all right about a hundred times, just like Antonio did for him. But he did not allow himself.

Antonio blinked rapidly, as if snapping out of a daze. "Oh," he said. "Oh, I was just thinking." He finally tore his eyes away from the window and looked across the aisle. "Feliciano, are you sure you'll be alright?"

Feliciano looked away from his own window, also uncharacteristically silent. "Yes, I'm fine." His words were stiff, robotic. They almost sounded rehearsed.

Alfred looked away from the phone he wasn't supposed to have. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, dude. I know how you feel."

Lovino snapped around to look at him, his blood already beginning to boil. "How in the hell would you know do he feels, dude?" He attempted an overdramatic American accent on the last word. He wasn't sure why he was lashing out at Alfred. All he had done was try and be supportive, but Lovino couldn't stop the angry words from coming. "Don't be stupid. My little brother doesn't need your crap right now."

Feliciano's eyes shot open. "Lovi!"

Alfred glared right back at Lovino. "Yeah? Well there's a guy named Arthur back home that probably thinks I would know." With that, he shoved an earbud in his ear and looked away. What did he mean by that?

Antonio rested his head against the window again. "Well, this just keeps better and better," he mumbled, seemingly to no one in particular.

No one said a word for the rest of the ride home.

.

After a trip that felt like it lasted an eternity, Antonio, Lovino, Feliciano and Ludwig found themselves back in the room that their group usually met in. Alfred had left the second Antonio said he could, mumbling to himself while Matthew chased after him. Now, the four people that remained were left to just stare at each other. What more was there to say, really? Antonio cleared his throat, outwardly unsure of what to do. He glanced at Feliciano again and finally broke the silence. "I suppose I should alert your grandfather about what happened."

Feliciano flapped his hands at him. "No! No, I mean, I can tell him. It's fine," he said. Lovino looked at him doubtfully. He knew full well Feliciano wouldn't tell Roma, but the last thing he wanted to do right then was argue.

Antonio didn't push the matter further. He only sighed. "Alright. The last thing I want to do is complicate this further." It was obvious how desperate he was to hold all of this together. It was almost painful to watch him like this, as if he were a fish flopping around out of the water.

"Lovi, can Ludwig and I go talk outside?" asked Feliciano. "I don't really want to be in here anymore."

That was understandable. Lovino nodded. "Sure. Just don't go home without me," he said. Feliciano collected his things and walked out, Ludwig not far behind.

The moment Feliciano shut the door behind him; Antonio threw his arms around Lovino in a desperate, frantic motion. Lovino gasped and became immediately embarrassed when he did. Before he could yell at him for nearly giving him a heart attack, Antonio spoke in a rushed whisper. "Lovino, I'm so sorry." Even though he had apologized at least a million times, this was different somehow. Lovino knew these words were just for him.

"H-hey! Bastard, you…" He did not finish the insult. Really, what was the point? He had grown tired of this act long ago. Lovino took a deep breath and finally exhaled heavily as if releasing the last of his denial with it. He brought his arms behind Antonio's back, resting a hand in his wild tufts of hair and allowing it to linger there. "It's alright. None of this was your fault."

Antonio did not let go. No one spoke. They just stood there, embracing each other like they would fall off the earth if they let go. When Antonio finally did speak, he whispered the words as though he was losing his voice. "Thank you for everything, Lovi."

Lovino had to fight to speak through the dozens of conflicting emotions running through him. Confusion was the most prevalent, the most demanding of attention. "What are you thanking me for?"

Antonio finally let go, and Lovino instantly felt colder. "Just for being you. For continuing to come here."

"I don't have much of a choice." Lovino quickly realized that even if he were given the choice, he would likely keep coming. The reason for that was standing right in front of him. He cleared his throat, fighting the raging desire he felt that encircled him like a hungry vulture. "But you do," he said quickly, having almost forgotten the difference in authority between them. "You could quit."

Antonio smiled, though it didn't carry to his eyes. "I could. That's true." He paused, and finally shrugged. "I have considered that about a million times. But I don't want to leave this behind right now. I've grown attached to all of you. Besides," his eyes locked with Lovino's. "Do you really think I would miss a chance to see you?"

Of course Lovino thought that. Why would he not miss a chance to see him? He took an instinctive step back. "Yes, well…" He felt a million possible things to say - a million confessions, a million hidden feelings - whir past this thoughts and die in his throat in a nanosecond. In the end, he could only whisper the most generic, gutless thing he could think of. "I need to talk to Feliciano."

Antonio's smile wavered. "Oh. Yes, I suppose that's a good idea." He crossed his arms across his chest as if to form a physical barrier between them. "Have a nice week, Lovi. Try to make sure Feli is alright."

Lovino turned on his heel and left without responding, pushing back regret with every step towards the door he took. With another wasted moment, had had earned another reason to call himself a coward. Oh well. Deep down, he knew this was for his own good. Someone like him has nothing to gain from confessing to someone like Antonio. It would be setting himself up for ridicule. Lovino ignored the fact that his stomach had turned cold and dropped to his feet and spotted Feliciano sitting on the steps with Ludwig. "Are you ready to go home?"

Feliciano snapped around to look at him. "Okay, Lovi," he said. Ludwig immediately stood up, waved goodbye and started off in the other direction. It was like he was afraid to do anything else.

When they were halfway down the sidewalk, Lovino said, "We really do need to tell Grandpa about this, Feli." There was no need to specify. They both knew what he meant.

Mid-stride, Feliciano straightened up as if to appear more assertive. "No." He tried to say it firmly, but his voice shook. "No, I don't want to."

Lovino sighed as dramatically as possible. "Feliciano, why?" He nearly shouted the words. "I know you like our group. I know you want to see Ludwig more, I know you think Antonio wants to see me…" No, he doesn't. Lovino shook his head. This was not the time. "But you were hurt yesterday. Why can't we just tell Grandpa? You know how much he loves you; if you so much as suggest you were mistreated, you'd never have to see these people again! We can get confirmed somewhere else!"

Feliciano stopped walking. "Because then I'd have to tell him why he hit me, Lovino!" he exclaimed. "How do you know how he would react to…to me and Ludwig? How do you know he wouldn't react like them?"

Lovino stopped walking as well. He hadn't considered that, the possibility hadn't even crossed his mind. "You know he wouldn't. Grandpa isn't-"

Feliciano's response was cold, final. "You don't know that." He started walking again, and Lovino knew it was the end of the conversation. The decision had been made.

When they returned home, Roma was sitting at the kitchen table with a book. Upon seeing his grandsons, he stood up. "Feliciano, Lovino! I thought you weren't due to be home for hours."

"We weren't." Lovino looked to the side and caught sight of Feliciano's pleading expression. He sighed and went on to lie to his grandfather's face. "There was a problem at the campsite. Something about the plumbing. They sent us home early."

Roma narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Oh. Well, all right. I would think they would notify me." He shrugged. "Oh well. What can you do? So, how was your trip?"

Lovino dropped his gaze to the floor and tightened his grip on his suitcase handle. That should be an innocent question, but it wasn't. About a million things had happened, none of which he could actually tell him. Like Roma said, what can you do? Lovino supposed he had already lied to him once, so he could do it again. He forced himself to look up. "It was fine. Boring."

Feliciano nodded and played along. "There was a lot of sitting and meditation and stuff," he said with a stiff grin. "The food wasn't great, but that's okay."

Roma chuckled. "Yes, well, I suppose that's a necessary evil." He took a step forward and ruffled Feliciano's hair. "I can't say I'm upset you're early! Would you two like to do something with the rest of the day? We could go out to eat. Surely that would be better than whatever culinary nightmare you were subjected to."

If only the food was the worst part about the trip. Lovino couldn't say he was hungry. Ever since Antonio had called him wonderful that first night and he lost the ability to deny his feelings, he had barely thought about eating. Thankfully, Feliciano vocalized his thoughts as if he had read his mind. "Oh, no thanks, Grandpa. I'm not too hungry. They made us get up really early, so I think I'm going to take a siesta."

Roma blinked, his smile slowly falling. Feliciano turning down food wasn't exactly an everyday occurrence. It took him a moment to respond. "Alright, Feli. Are you feeling okay?"

Feliciano nodded too feverishly and responded too quickly. "Yes! Nothing's wrong!" The way he laughed made Lovino cringe. Without saying another word, Feliciano darted off towards his bedroom.

Roma looked somewhat confused, but his smile soon fell back in place. "How about you, Lovi? Would you like to do anything?"

Lovino was almost ashamed that he felt surprised. For whatever reason, he was sure that Roma wouldn't want to do anything with him when Feliciano wasn't involved. After allowing the silence to linger between them for a moment, he responded in a way he was sure to regret later. "Uh…no. I think I'm just going to…" I think I'll go to my room and try to forget Antonio exists. Lovino bit his inner lip. "I'm going to go to my room."

Roma shrugged. "It probably makes sense that you're both tired."

Lovino nodded and retreated to his room. While this would usually serve as a relief, it was the loneliest he'd felt all week. He sighed. Really, what could you do? That seemed to be the motto for the day. With a sinking feeling in his chest, he located his phone, switched it off, and shut it in a nearby drawer. It was better not to even have the temptation.

.

The wait for Sunday was almost unbearable. Lovino knew he was setting himself up for a rush of painful emotions and an even more desperate longing, and he knew seeing Antonio again would only amplify what he already felt to a painful level. He knew he would be lucky if he could escape without adding even more new emotions to the ever-growing list. Despite all of that, he could not help it. Although it made him nervous beyond belief, Lovino accepted that he would rather deal with keeping his feelings private- no matter how excruciating it would be- than to not see him.

"Lovino! You're so fast, wait for me, please!"

Lovino quickly realized how fast he was walking. "Sorry, Feli," he said, forcing himself to slow his pace.

Feliciano soon caught up to him. "Wow, Lovi. You seem really excited to get to church. That's not like you, are you sick?"

That was probably the most accurate description of what Lovino was feeling. Yes, he did feel ill. He would use the term love sick if the cliché didn't make him gag. The past week he had felt sick to his stomach, overwhelmed with loneliness and doubt and longing. But of course, he could not admit that. He shook his head and continued walking. Before long, he was in front of Feliciano again.

Antonio approached Lovino the moment he entered the church. This time he did not greet him; only smiled wildly and said one simple sentence. "There won't be a sermon today."

Lovino felt some of the tension he felt roll off of him. With Antonio looking at him he couldn't let go of all of it, but the news helped. Still, it seemed a bit strange. "What? Why?"

"Father O'Brian has…" Antonio paused as if looking for the proper way to explain. "He has taken a leave of absence. There was no one else available to do the sermon, so we won't have one today."

"A leave of absence." Lovino raised an eyebrow. "Does this, by any chance, have to do with what happened with Feliciano?"

Feliciano looked down and took the edge of Lovino's shirt in his hand. Lovino awkwardly patted his back twice, hoping it would be some kind of comfort. Feliciano didn't need to relive that. Antonio looked side to side as if he were nervous, then slowly nodded. "I wasn't suppose to share this with you guys, but yes. He's gotten in a bit of trouble for it." He shrugged. There was no need to explain further. "I'm going to find the others. You two can go to the room."

In one fluid motion, Antonio turned around and squeezed Lovino's shoulder for a brief moment. Even though it was a tiny, insignificant act, Lovino instantly felt the least lonely and the most loved he had all week. He took a series of deep breaths as he walked, feeling silly for the emotional reaction the simple touch had caused. He wondered if he would ever get over this, if he would ever feel this way for someone else, if he would ever stop feeling like he was drowning. Right now, it didn't seem as though he would ever have that luxury.

Within five minutes, Antonio entered the room with the rest of the group behind him. They all looked calm, maybe even happy. It made sense. After the nightmare that was the retreat, it wasn't any surprise that they were happy about not having to listen to any more of the same threats. Antonio sat down in his chair and smiled. "Good evening, everyone! I trust that you all had a good week?"

Lovino nodded, glancing around the room as everyone else did, too. These pleasantries were tired and repetitive, but somehow every time Antonio asked them how they were it sounded like he generally wanted to know. Alfred's voice broke Lovino out of his musings. "So, the priest is gone, huh?"

Antonio nodded expressionlessly. "Yes, he's on a bit of a vacation."

Alfred wrinkled his nose, looking like he didn't believe him. Lovino couldn't say he blamed him for being suspicious. Why would Antonio bother to hide the truth? Was his job on the line? Alfred crossed his arms over his chest and leaned farther back against his chair. "Really? A vacation? This has nothing to do with the fact that he hit a teenager?" Matthew kicked his foot after he said it, but he didn't seem fazed.

Antonio cleared his throat. He was beginning to look uncomfortable. "This isn't exactly something I'm supposed to discuss."

"So much for not letting anything happen to us…" Alfred said it under his breath, but speaking quietly was not one of his strong suits. It was painfully obvious that Antonio had heard, judging by the way his smile fell in an instant.

"Al, this wasn't his fault. You know that," Matthew said like a mother would scold her child.

Alfred's scowl disappeared when he realized his statement wasn't as quiet as he probably intended. "No, I know, I-"

Antonio sighed like he had been holding his breath and held out a hand. "No. You're right." The remains of his smile died on his lips. "I did say that. I said that, and I didn't follow through."

Feliciano jumped a little in his seat. He waved his hands in front of himself and spoke in a messy jumble of sentences. "It really isn't your fault, I probably shouldn't have done what I did in the first place, so I guess I could have prevented-"

"No!" Antonio nearly shouted the word, and the room grew cold and quiet right after. Lovino flinched. "Don't you dare blame yourself, Feliciano. Just…don't. I won't allow it." It quickly became noticeable that his hands were trembling around the folder he held. "You can't help who you love. You really cannot do it." He spoke towards the ground, like the words were meant for himself more than anyone else. A shock went through Lovino's heart. "No, it was my fault, this is all my fault, I shouldn't be saying these things, this is such a mess, I…" He let out a sound that sounded like a gasp for air.

Lovino felt his chest seize in worry, in sympathy. "Antonio. It's alright." He tried to speak like he did on the first day of the retreat, giving no mind to those around him. He knew exactly what was about to happen. Rather, he knew what was already happening.

"No, it's…" Antonio trailed off and tried to open the folder with trembling hands. What he was looking for was unknown. Lovino watched in horror as Antonio's breathing visibly sped up. He continued rambling nonsensically regardless. "No, you can't help who you love, it's terrible, this place is terrible, everything is just…I'm sorry, I…" Before he could finish his thought- if he even had one to finish, that is- his trembling hands lost the ability to hold the folder. The folder as well as its contents spilled onto the floor in a flood of white paper. "Mierda!" He shouted it as though what he had done was unforgivable.

Lovino managed to stand up, though his legs felt entirely too unstable. He struggled to keep his voice sounding normal. "Antonio, it's fine. Here, let me help you."

Before Lovino could so much as pick up a piece of paper, Antonio gripped his own hair in a way that looked as though it hurt. "No, dios, this is my fault, it's always my fault, I can't…" His words came out in a single breath. He closed his eyes, shook his head vehemently and opened his mouth as if to speak, but all that came out was something in between a gasp and a cry. Then, he spun around, walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

Silence. After the explosion of sound had just occurred, the room was suddenly bursting with it. For far longer than what was comfortable, Lovino stood dumbly in the middle of the room with a blank expression, wondering what the hell had just happened and more importantly, what in the hell he was supposed to do about it. No one spoke, no one moved, no one did anything other than sit in their seats with copies of the same bewildered expressions on all of their faces.

"Wow," Feliciano said finally. "Lovino…maybe you should go after him."

Lovino had considered the same thing. He had half a mind to bolt from the room, track Antonio down and talk him down from the attack he absolutely did not deserve. No matter how good of an idea that probably was, no matter how firmly he demanded that his legs move, he continued to stand in the same place. No. No, he did not want to make this worse than it was, if that was even possible. After all, what kind of help could he possibly be? He barely had the courage to look Antonio in the eyes; he had no business trying to help him. He simply was not so arrogant to think he could.

"No," Lovino said finally. He sat back down with a weighty sigh. "No, I'm sure he'll be fine." Liar.

"I don't think I've ever seen Antonio like that." For once, the room was quiet enough for Matthew's soft voice to be heard clearly. He adverted his eyes and traced one of the flowers in the sofa with his finger. "I'm worried."

"Jesus." Alfred rested his head in his hands and ran them across his hair. "I didn't mean to say that. I had no idea he would react like that."

Lovino felt a jolt of anger, but it died as quickly as it appeared like a firework. Of course Alfred didn't know. Of course he hadn't meant for that to happen. What happened wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. All it was was unfortunate. Not knowing what else to do, Lovino rested his head against the back of the couch, closed his eyes and tried to leave his own body.

After about ten minutes passed in an anxiety-filled, silent haze, the door opened. Lovino's eyes shot open and his heart jumped directly into his throat. His eyes flew to the front of room to see Antonio standing in the doorframe. He expected him to be teary-eyed, to look anxious, to at least be frowning… but he was smiling. His eyes were red and slightly swollen, his face was blotchy and he looked considerably more exhausted as a whole, but he was smiling. After all that happened, his smile remained as boundless as ever. It was amazing, just like him.

"Wow, I do apologize. Look at this mess." Antonio laughed as though nothing had happened and got to one knee. He quickly gathered the spilled papers and sat back down. "That was a bit silly of me. Let's just finish the meeting, yes?"

Yes, he was acting as cheerful as ever, but Lovino knew better. The corner of his mouth was twitching, and his eyes had darkened. No matter how good of an act he put up, what had happened affected him. It would affect anyone. The members of the group shared a series of confused glances, but the unspoken agreement must have been that it would be better to just move past the incident.

The next thirty minutes passed with a clearly fake, forced sense of normality. Antonio read aloud from the bible with that same quivering smile, occasionally asking for someone to comment on what he had just read. It was clear that Antonio was trying to hold an interesting discussion and his students were trying to at least humor him, but for the most part it was obvious everyone was only going through the motions.

When Antonio dismissed the class, everyone except Lovino was out the door in an instant. Lovino wasn't certain why he stayed put. He wasn't sure what he was going to do or say; yet something inside of him was simply demanding that he stay. The door closed behind the last of the others, and Antonio sighed like a deflating balloon. His tight smile finally fell again. "Well, I suppose I should…go…"

He took a step towards the door, and Lovino jumped to his feet. "No," he said firmly, immediately. "No, stay." Please.

Antonio obeyed as if he was a dog responding to an order. "I cannot believe you're the one asking me to stay, Lovino. Usually it's the other way around," he said and laughed dryly.

Lovino's posture stiffened. He must have seemed desperate. He must have been annoying him. Regardless, he had to stay. He needed to be near him. "Whatever," he mumbled. "I just…I wanted to ask if you were alright, okay? Is that a damn crime now?"

Antonio shook his head. "To tell you the truth, no. I'm not okay." Lovino thought his lungs might just collapse under the ridiculous, overpowering sympathy the response filled him with. Antonio sighed. "How could I be alright? After I broke down like that in front of people I'm supposed to be mentoring," he paused, "in front of you. The last thing I want is to cause you to be upset. Are you alright, Lovino?"

Lovino could not believe this. After all that had just happened, after all the agony Antonio must have felt, he was concerned about him? "What?" He threw his hands in the air in a dramatic display of his disbelief. "Antonio, what in the hell are you talking about? Honestly, what do I matter?" When did Lovino ever matter? Why would he matter to anyone; and to something like Antonio? Of course he would not matter. He felt embarrassment flood through his veins when he felt tears spring to his eyes. He must have looked absolutely ridiculous. "What would I ever matter to someone like you?" Goddamn it. Damn it all to hell. He hadn't meant to say that, but really, what was the point of hiding it anymore?

Antonio's eyes widened and his mouth fell open for a brief second. He blinked away his momentary shock and his expression changed to concern. "Lovino." He took a step towards him, now only a couple of feet away. Lovino looked away on impulse when their eyes met, thoroughly humiliated and unsure how to deal with it. "Lovi, please look at me."

Lovino did not want to look at him, but at the same time, he did. The urge to do the latter won out, and he hesitantly looked into Antonio's eyes. Why did he look so concerned? "What?" He tried to sound annoyed, he really did. "God, what could you possibly want?"

A spark shot into Lovino's chest when Antonio gingerly picked up his hand. He didn't pull away. Rare moments like this had to be treasured, locked away in his memory forever for the days after Antonio came to his senses and stopped paying attention to him. His voice sent Lovino spiraling back into reality. "Lovino, how could you ask such a foolish question?" He took another step towards him, now so close their chests were almost touching. "Not only do you matter, you are everything. You are absolutely everything to me. Can you not see that?"

Lovino forget how to breathe. His throat threatened to close, and his heart sped up dangerously in his chest to the point he thought he might faint. "What?" The single word was a monumental struggle. But why, why him, why… "Why me? I'm not special."

Antonio knitted his brows together and held Lovino's hand tighter. "It absolutely breaks my heart, seeing how you see yourself. Oh, Lovi, what do I have to do to get you to see how beautiful you are?" Oh God, what was he saying, surely he would break away and laugh soon, surely this was a cruel joke… "You have helped me through so much. I know you like to pretend you don't care, Lovino, but I can see how kind your heart is. You truly are amazing, and anyone would be lucky to even know you."

Lovino tried to fight back the tears in his eyes, but he was quickly losing the battle. This was far too sudden, too intense and too unbelievable. Antonio meant what he said; he always did. He was not the type of man to lie. But what he was saying was so unreal, so unlike anything he had ever heard. Lovino quickly grew so confused he couldn't think straight. He ripped his hand away, instantly regretting it but too overcome with emotion to care.

"Why are you telling me this?" He nearly shouted the question. Was Antonio trying to torture him? "Why do you keep talking to me and paying attention to me and looking at me the goddamn way you do?"

The faintest smile appeared on Antonio's lips. "Oh, Lovino. Are you really telling me that you do not know?"

This was getting more confusing and torturous by the second. "Know what, bastard?" Something snapped. Lovino felt a dam from somewhere inside of him burst and everything he ever wanted to say explode from it. "How could I possibly know why someone like you is paying attention to me? You're ridiculous. You are so fucking ridiculous! But you're always so optimistic and passionate and kind no matter what happens to you, and I'm supposed to know why you're paying attention to a boring, gloomy person like me?" After what he said sunk in, the tears threatening to spring from his eyes finally did. He must have looked like such an idiot, and dammit, what was this pain?

Antonio just kept smiling. Why was he still smiling? How was he still smiling? "Boring and gloomy and hardly words I would use to describe you." His hands found Lovino's waist, encircling him. Lovino felt just the tiniest bit less hysterical, but about a hundred times more dizzy. "I suppose you really don't know. That's okay. All it means is I'll have to tell you."

"What don't I know?" Lovino's words came out in a harsh whisper. He could not stand being left in the dark, especially when Antonio was making it out to be such a big deal. "Just tell me, for the love of god, just spit it out…"

Antonio brought one of his hands to Lovino's chin and gently coaxed him to look up. Lovino swore the world stopped turning. "Oh, Lovino," he whispered next to his ear. Lovino felt a shudder shoot down his spine. "Can't you see? Can't you see that I'm wonderfully, completely, madly in love with you?"

The rest of the world faded into nothing. The words hit Lovino like a gush of cold water, and he suddenly felt light enough to fly. Having lost the ability to move, to think, he looked into Antonio's eyes for a long while. Then, in a moment that set his skin on fire, replaced his blood with lightening and filled him with the most intoxicating elation he had ever felt, Antonio moved the last couple of inches he had to and kissed him. Lovino realized, in a swift rush of ecstasy, that this was something he had waited his entire life for. No more hiding, no more denial, this was exactly what he had always craved and hoped for. Never did he think he would actually get it. Hell, he had never even admitted that he wanted it.

As suddenly as it started, it ended. Antonio pulled back and dropped his hands in a way that was almost frantic. Lovino slowly opened his eyes, too blissfully happy to care that he had pulled away. He was finally ready. "Antonio, I lo-"

But he could not finish. Antonio's hand flew to his mouth and he took a step back. His eyes were wild. "Oh my God," he said in what was almost a scream. "Oh my god, Lovino, I am so sorry. I didn't mean…"

Reality crashed back into Lovino like a train, and he stopped hearing him. There was only one reason Antonio could be sorry. This was a mistake. All that Antonio had said- it had all been nothing but a big, misguided lie. Antonio did not love him. Of course he did not love him. A roar filled Lovino's ears and his heart felt as though someone was squeezing it. Goddamn it, how could he possibly have been so stupid? How could he ever believe that what Antonio had said could ever apply to him in a million years? Of course, he had been a mistake. He was always nothing but a damn mistake. He wasn't capable of being anything but. Why he ever had the arrogance, the idiocy to think anything different was beyond him. Lovino gritted his teeth to stop the tears.

Absolute despair bubbled in Lovino's chest and finally turned to a powerful, all-consuming rage. With all the strength he had in him, he shoved Antonio so hard he nearly fell over. "Fuck you!" he screamed at the very top of his lungs. Once he started, he could not stop. "Fuck you, bastard! What the hell is your problem?" No, no, stop… "Is this what people like you do? Go around kissing teenagers? Well guess what, asshole? I'm not like you! I could never be like you, it's gross!" No, these were lies, thoughtless, terrible lies… "Never come near me ever again! You're disgusting, Antonio! Everything about you is fucking disgusting!" The venomous words burned Lovino's tongue as he said them. He was sure he had never said something that untrue in his life, but in that moment, he did not care. He only started to care after he realized what he said.

Antonio stared back at him in horror, frozen in place for a few seconds that felt like a million years. The silence was terrible, the way Antonio broke it was worse. "I am so sorry, Lovino…" With that, Antonio threw open the door and ran out.

What have I done? "Antonio, I-" But Lovino's words were too weak and disposable, and it was already far, far too late.

When he was sure he was alone, Lovino let out a strangled cry, sunk to the floor, and covered his face with his arms. All the emotions he had been holding back for months had exploded and now roamed free in his body. They were suffocating him, making it impossible to move as if he had fallen in wet cement. This was what he got for thinking something like this could ever work out for him. His response had proved that. Antonio was absolutely everything, and he had yelled at him like he was some kind of animal. No wonder he was sorry he kissed him. He did not deserve Antonio. He did not deserve to be anywhere near him.

He didn't deserve to be anything but a mistake.

To be continued...