Thank you to everyone who favorited/reviewed/followed~!
It means a lot. :) Here is more of Cullen, a bit more delving into their friendship.
I was walking between the columns of the hall, mist swirling around me. The frozen bodies of the poor souls killed in the explosion at the Conclave were littered in front of me, their expressions of terror frozen on their faces, little pits of fire burning in the eye sockets, and in the mouths. I was fully armored; my whole body tensed, my daggers in my hands as I carefully made my way forward. I couldn't see past the columns on either side; everything was veiled in the mist. I looked to my left, then to my right, and suddenly in front of me were Cullen and Josephine.
"Is this shape useful?" a sinisterly feminine voice drawled out, and I saw Leliana walk towards me. Only it wasn't Leliana. "Will it let me know you?" My gaze flitted to Cullen and Josephine. They were both standing there, stock still, eyes staring past me into something in the distance.
"Cullen? Josie?" I asked tentatively, but I received no response.
"Everything tells me about you." Leliana walked up to Cullen, whose head had slumped forward onto his chest, as if he were a doll.
"Don't." I growled, stepping forward. Leliana pulled Cullen's head back, a knife at his throat.
"You care for him. He will be the way through which I will wear your face." Leliana sneered, slitting his throat.
"No!" I ran forward, catching him as he fell, blood gushing out onto me. I tried to stop the bleeding. "No! Cullen!" Cullen didn't even react, he just bled out onto me, blood sticking to my hands, his blood coating my armor before his body vanished into the mist and suddenly Josephine jerked me to my feet.
"Glory is coming." Josephine sneered with a voice that was hers and yet not hers. "And the Elder One wants you to serve him like everyone else: by dying in the right way."
"Keep talking then, demon." I hissed, and Josephine turned and walked away. I turned to watch her leave but she wasn't there anymore.
"I am not your toy." Cullen's mutilated voice chilled me to the bone. I turned and saw him, standing there as if I hadn't just seen him bleed out.
"Cullen, please-" I went to him, searching his eyes, but he laughed coldly, shoving me away.
"I am ENVY, and I will know you!" he snarled, and I backed up, trying to register what was going on. "Tell me, Herald, what you feel."
"This is not real." I muttered. I looked down, the blood still on my person. "This isn't happening. I killed you!"
"No." I jumped, spinning around as Cullen was suddenly behind me. His eyes bore into mine, the honey gold of his eyes capturing me. "I will kill you." I found I couldn't move my legs, and I began to panic as he closed the distance between us. "I will kill you intimately, slowly." He was in front of me, and his always gauntleted hand grabbed my face, forcing me to stare up at him, unable to move. "Did you think I could love you? A Dalish elf? A social pariah? The stolen glances, the small touches, did you think you meant anything to me?" he sneered, and he shoved me to the ground, drawing his sword as he did so.
"Piss off, Cullen." I spat, and that earned me a cruel, wicked laugh from the man who stood over me with his sword.
"You'd like that." His voice was chilling; and he reached down to grab me, but then-
"FUCK!" I yelled, sitting upright in my bed in Skyhold. I was sweating; my sheets had been tossed to the side. I shivered, realizing I had left my doors open to my balconies. I swore again, getting out of bed and throwing on a robe Josephine had given me. I was awake; I might as well walk around, try to shake off the memories of the nightmare. I fit my belt on over my robe, strapping my daggers to them. I opted to go barefoot, preferring to feel the cold of the stone to let me know I wasn't trapped in some ridiculous nightmare with the Envy demon again. I had to get out onto the battlements, to walk around and feel the night air whipping against me.
I rushed down the stairs from my chambers to the main hall of Skyhold. The fire was still burning tcv
in the hearth where Varric usually sat at, a book open in front of him, accompanied by a mug of ale. A 32drink sounded like a great thing right now. But I pressed on, turning into the rotunda where Solas was asleep on his duvet, and I turned to go out the door to the right. I welcomed the blast of cold air that hit me in the face, and I hugged myself as I lightly jogged across the bridge. Skyhold was so quiet at night. I saw the torches of soldiers making their rounds on the battlements, and I felt safer knowing we constantly had a watch. It seemed unlikely anyone could attack us here, but after Haven…
Memories of staring down the false Archdemon and Corypheus flitted through my mind.
I have gazed upon the throne of the gods, and it was empty. His voice echoed in my ears, but the echo was quickly carried away on the breeze that sent my hair flying into my face. I hadn't bothered putting it back up, so my hair cascaded down around my shoulders, reaching halfway down my back in rivulets. I brushed it out of my face as I reached the door to Cullen's office. I figured he'd be asleep at this hour, so I didn't bother knocking.
"Cullen!" I was startled to see him standing at his desk, staring at a small box on it. He jumped, obviously not expecting anyone at this hour.
"Inquisitor!" he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't expect-I mean, I didn't think anyone else would be awake at this hour."
"It's alright," I said, walking over to his desk. "I…couldn't sleep. Bad dreams." I finished lamely. Cullen looked at me sympathetically.
"You too?" he asked quietly. He sighed, staring back down at the box on his desk. "As leader of the Inquisition…there's something I must tell you."
"You know you can talk to me Cullen." I said gently, smiling at him. "I do consider us friends, you know."
"R-right." Cullen's cheeks went a bit pink in the light of the candles, making me smile a bit more. "Thank you. Lyrium grants Templars our abilities." He glanced down at the box on his desk. "But it controls us as well." I leaned in, trying to evaluate how he was treating the box; as if it were a poisonous snake. "Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here. But I…" he sighed again, meeting my gaze. "I no longer take it."
"You stopped?" I asked, slightly shocked.
"When I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now." He seemed ashamed; yet suddenly I realized why he always looks so tired, almost like an animal being hunted.
"Cullen, if this can kill you…"
"It hasn't yet." His voice was defiant, and I shut my mouth. "After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't…" his gaze turned intense; his eyes looked amber in the dim candlelight, and despite myself I felt my cheeks burn. "I will not be bound to the Order-or that life-any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it." I gazed at him with yet even more respect than I thought I could have for him. "But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to…watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."
"Are you in pain?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"I can endure it." Came the stalwart answer, and I felt myself smile.
"Thank you for telling me. I respect what you're doing." I said quietly.
"Thank you, Ellia." Cullen's shoulders sagged a bit (even though he was still wearing his full armor) as though a heavy burden had just been lessened. "The Inquisition's army should always come first. Should anything happen, I'll defer to Cassandra's judgment."
"Hm." I said, thinking if maybe I should tell him of my own demons.
"What about you?" Cullen's voice snapped me out of my own thoughts, and I looked across the desk at him.
"I…suppose I should tell you." I said slowly, averting my gaze. His gaze was just too intense for me.
"Tell me what?" his voice was quiet.
"At Therinfal Redoubt, I was attacked by an Envy demon." I said, and Cullen shifted uncomfortably.
"I read your report-"
"I didn't include everything in the report." I said quietly, glancing at him, hugging my arms to myself. "It's why I won't send Cole away, because Cole helped save me."
"Ellia, what happened?" I drew a shaky breath.
"I…I battled the Envy demon, in my mind. It…wanted to be me. To have the power that I wield as Inquisitor." I felt my eyes begin to water, remembering my dream. "It…took on the appearance of Leliana, Josephine…you." I stole a glance at Cullen; he looked worried. "I…couldn't move, as Leliana…she…" my gut twisted, and I turned away from Cullen as I felt a tear slide down my face unbidden. "She slit your throat. I-I tried to stop the bleeding," I was speaking faster now, "But it wouldn't-it was too late, there was blood everywhere, and then you were back, as the Envy demon, and-and you…Cullen, I-" and suddenly he was there, holding me, his strong arms wrapped around my small frame, my head against his shoulder (the fur covered shoulder-still in the full armor).
"It's alright." He said quietly, and before I knew it I broke down, sobbing quietly into his fur mantle as he stroked my hair, holding me close to him. I took the opportunity to channel all of my pent up frustration out in tears; it was one thing to cry into a pillow in a huge room by yourself. It was another to be held by someone who cared and cry into their shoulder. I pulled away after a few minutes, tears still brimming my eyes, and Cullen didn't relinquish his hold on me.
"Oh Cullen," I breathed, furiously wiping away the tears on my cheeks, "This is just…so hard. So many people rely on me, look to me for guidance, I just do what I think is right, and I'm-I'm nobody! I'm not a noble, I'm definitely not Orlesian, I'm an elf, a Dalish elf at that, and I have this stupid Anchor thing on my hand-" I was rambling, and Cullen merely smiled gently at me, pulling me back into a hug.
"Hey, hey." He calmed the stem of words quite easily. "It's alright. You're not nobody. You're the Inquisitor." I leaned into him, enjoying being this close to the object of my affections. "And you have the entire Inquisition behind you. We're here for you. It's alright to break down once in a while."
"Advice you might take yourself." I scoffed, earning a deep throated chuckle from him that made my cheeks heat up.
"I'll bear that in mind." He said, and I pulled away, wiping the tears from my face, drawing myself away from his arms, wishing that I could just stay with him all night long.
"Thank you, Cullen." I said quietly, clasping my hands together as I looked at him. He gave me a half smile, the scar on his lip stretching as he did so.
"I would like to consider us friends as well, Ellia." He said gently.
"Cullen." I started, "Do you think, well…I mean, that is…if you want to, anyway…" I felt the butterflies boiling up inside, "Say neither of us can sleep, it seems like we're both…unable to sleep, a whole lot, anyway, could…" I took a deep breath, noticing Cullen was staring at me expectantly, "Could we continue our sparring sessions? I miss it." Cullen snorted, smiling.
"Of course. Just come find me here." He said, and I smiled back at him.
"I have another question, Commander." I suddenly felt emboldened.
"Yes, Inquisitor?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, his hands resting on the pommel of his sword.
"Did you leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?"
"No. I fear I made few friends there, and my family is in Ferelden." I inclined my head a bit, raising an eyebrow to match his.
"No one special caught your interest?" I asked slyly, and he smirked.
"Not in Kirkwall…" he trailed off, giving me a look that made my whole body hot. I smiled at him, trying to hide how ridiculous my body responded to his tone of voice.
"I see. Well, Cullen, I…should probably be heading back to my chambers…" I sighed, not looking forward to the suddenly extremely long and lonely walk back.
"Here, I'll walk you back." He said, extending his arm. After a second I realized he meant for me to take it. I smiled up at him.
"My knight in shining armor." I teased, and he laughed as I took his arm.
"I try."
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