Salem
The amount of time it took to reach the Great Hall of the temple was distressingly short.
It took us what seemed forever to fight our way through these halls, only to find that the distance can be covered in the span of a candlemark. Maker's breath...I feel as though I have wasted so much time.
We entered the hall and Alistair rushed up to us. Like an excited child, he clasped hands with Zevran, punched Oghren in the shoulder, and kissed Wynne on the cheek. He looked at me, at my eyes, and a wide smile spread across his face.
"You can see!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around me in a fierce embrace. "Thank the Maker." he breathed against my ear before releasing me and holding me at arm's length.
"'Twould seem that we are not esteemed in the affections of the former templar." Morrigan looked up at Sten, a catty smile on her lips.
Alistair stepped back and sniffed, eyeing Morrigan with disdain. "I'd sooner hug a cactus naked." he grimaced.
"A cactus would hold more love for you, 'tis true." Morrigan smiled, clearly having missed her spirited repartee' with my warden brother.
Genitivi joined Alistair, nodding to the others and gazing into my eyes. He flinched, but offered a warm smile to cover his initial reaction. I let it go, wishing to avoid another darkening of my spirits.
"Brother Genitivi," I extended my hand and he grasped it in his own, "it is good to see you again."
"Are..." he could not contain his excitement, "...the Ashes, warden, do they exist?"
Alistair turned towards me, the same question in his eyes.
"They do indeed." I smiled, placing my hand on the brother's shoulder. "Do not keep this a secret, Genitivi. Accomplish your research, do whatever you feel you must, but do not hide the Maker's last miracle from Thedas. Do not deny the people hope they so desperately need."
A fire ignited behind his eyes. "Of course." he gave ready assent. "I will send word to the Chantry in Denerim and begin preparations. Thank you, warden. Bless you."
"Think nothing of it." I told him. "Now, if you will excuse me, we must be going. Redcliffe is still miles away."
"Maker guide you in your travels, Grey Wardens." Genitivi bowed in farewell. "May he gave you the strength to bring peace to our land."
I nodded in return and pushed past him, needing to be rid of this place, this air...everything. I had lost too much here, and did not need the reminding. Burrow and I walked several paces ahead of the group, blocking out the chatter of companions at last allowed to see the sun and feel the relief of a task complete.
Alistair walked up to me, sorrow in his gaze. "Salem," he began, lowering his voice, "I am sorry."
He knows, then. Very well. It saves my having to reiterate the story.
I sighed. "It is all right, Alistair. I will be fine."
"I tried to stop her." he persisted in speaking, even though I craved silence. "I truly did. I said everything I could think of, but she wouldn't be persuaded."
"I told you, Alistair. I have made my peace with it."
"Salem," he said my name with great care, as though he were afraid to break it, "you do not have to lie, not to me. I can only imagine..."
"I've shed my tears for her." I assured him.
"Salem, how can you say that?" Alistair questioned the ice in my voice, the lie I knew was shining in my eyes. "You love her. I may not know much of it, but I do know that you do not walk away from something like that...unscathed."
I laughed and nudged him off balance with my shoulder. "I walk away from nothing unscathed, Alistair. Least of all this. There are wounds and there are scars. But what can I do?" a note of desperation that I loathed crept into my voice. "She's gone, Alistair. I've crumbled to pieces and railed at the heavens. I can give no more energy to my grief. It nearly killed me."
"I...I cannot say I understand what you are going through." Alistair offered me a lopsided grin. "But if you need to talk, you know I am always a willing ear."
"Thank you."
I would not accept his generosity. The man had his own burdens to bear. They all did. I, who was supposed to be the strongest, the leader, the rock in stormy seas, refused to let them see the still gaping wounds inside my heart.
There is no surmounting this pain. I realized. I will become accustomed to it, grow used to walking with it every day, and gradually it will lose its sting. That, at least, is my hope.
We left the hall of Andraste's tomb, striding out into the sun. I rolled my shoulders, trying to alleviate the tension caused by this place. So much...so much death, so much blood spilled, so much misguided faith. I wanted to sow the ground with salt and let the vultures come to thrive. I wanted to burn every house in this village to the ground.
Still, I looked back at the mountains, there is beauty here as well, and things worth preserving. Let others come for healing. As for me, I will never walk this way again. I do not believe the others will either.
From behind me, I heard Zevran and Oghren's enthusiastic recounting of the battle with the dragon. Alistair plied them with questions and Morrigan inserted witty barbs. I glanced back at Wynne. The healer lifted her hands in resignation and surrender. I smiled, wishing Leliana was by my side, able to share this moment.
A victory for the wardens, for our cause. Arl Eamon's life will be saved, and Redcliffe's voice and army will hopefully be on our side. There is no man living that would not call this a victory...except for me. I gained my sight and lost my heart. For that is the life that is allotted unto me. Am I right in these thoughts, Maker? The few must walk the ways of consistent suffering so that others may strive for righteousness without pain. If that is my duty, and your destiny for me, I humble myself. If you feel I must be denied joy, so be it. I accept this.
We stood at the gates of Haven and I shook the earth from my feet, striding forward. I did not wish to spend a moment more here. I looked to the sky, shielding my eyes from the light that they were still unaccustomed to. The sun had almost reached its peak, but we would be able to cover a good deal of ground before nightfall.
Burrow barked, his tone different. I looked at my mabari, quirking an eyebrow.
"What is it, boy?"
He yipped again, a high, joyful note. A greeting, I searched my thoughts, trying to remember when I had heard him sound this way before.
"Burrow, what are you telling me?" I looked around, saw nothing.
The mabari took off, running up the road to a small copse of trees. I followed, hands on my swords. I would have sensed if it were darkspawn...perhaps Burrow smells more of Eirik and Kolgrim's fools, re-grouped and making another attempt at vengeance?
A figure lay prone beside the trees, almost obscured by the tall grass. I drew closer, noticing the body was dressed in the robes of the Chantry. Burrow stood over it, whining. My heart raced in my chest.
It cannot be.
I began running, stripping my weapons from my back to increase my speed.
I slid to my knees in the grass and Burrow moved out of the way. Though my hands trembled, I tried to be gentle as I turned the woman onto her back, examining the blood-stained and torn robes.
Leliana...
My throat tightened, but now was not the time for tears. There was a crossbow bolt embedded in the flesh just above her collarbone. The elegant line of the bone had been sundered...broken. I took her hand in mine, feeling at her wrist for a pulse, noticing the cool temperature of her skin and a blue tinge around the nail beds.
"Leliana?" I whispered, doubting the truth of my eyes.
How do I know this is not just the hallucination of a once-blind woman driven mad by grief? I cannot...blessed Maker...if this is a dream, I do not wish to wake.
"Leli?" I pleaded, and Burrow whined.
Her fair skin had been burned by exposure to the sun and I cursed, wondering how long she had lain here. That bolt was fired from a darkspawn bow, I recognized the raven-feather fletching. When did she encounter them...no...there will be time for questions later. Andraste's ass, Salem, do something!
I moved to Leliana's right side and lifted her in my arms, carrying her back towards the town I had sworn to leave behind me.
"Wynne!" I called as I approached the others. "Wynne, please, I need you!"
The senior enchanter broke from the group and hurried to me, eyes firing with alarm. "Good heavens, child, what has happened?"
"Burrow found her." I explained what little I knew. "We have to go back to Haven."
"Of course." Wynne nodded. "Take her to the house where I cared for Genitivi. A great deal of supplies were left there."
I nodded my agreeement. Damn me, my gut tightened. She is badly hurt, but there are only enough Ashes left to cure Arl Eamon. And those trials...I could not ask another to subject themselves to that horror. The Guardian will not let me pass through again. This, I know for certain.
I gazed down at the woman in my arms, pulling her tighter against my body. Did they attack as you were leaving, Leliana? I wondered. Or...were you returning?
I squelched the faint hope that sparked through me. Legends were written to escape from reality. I was no hero, this was no tale, and I had never before received a joyous ending.