The Storm Before The Calm

In which Tegan has an anxiety attack

Starts off serious…but is still fluffy…but gets serious again

"Stop fucking running through my goddamned house you bitch! I didn't raise you like that."

"I'm sorry dad, but I'm late for school." Tegan tried to open the door before he could yell at her more.

"Don't you dare fucking call me that!" He rose from his chair and grabbed her wrist, "There is no way in hell I'm your real father you hideous bitch!" She felt the sharp sting on her jaw and the bit her lip to keep from crying.

"It won't happen again," She was shaking from the mix of anger and pain welling inside her, "I'm sorry Gabriel." She hated his name, it sounded too nice for him.

"That's better." He relaxed his grip on her wrist and turned as her mom entered the room. "Come here Mia!" He shouted and she quickly walked up to him, "Your bitch of a daughter was running through my house again. Fucking learn how to control her you stupid bitch!" He slapped her and then opened the door ushering Tegan outside. She could hear her mom's muffled screams as Gabriel hit her again and again. She heard something crash into the ground and her mother's scream. She knew what he'd done; he had just smashed the last of Mia's favorite China set. Then the hitting and screaming continued.

"Mamma! Mamma! Mamma!" Tegan's own screams woke her up. She looked frantically to her left, but the bed was empty. Then she heard someone running quickly to the door. It opened and Sara rushed over to her.

"Are you okay?" She asked as Tegan buried her head into her shoulder.

"I had a bad dream." Tegan sobbed out her answer.

"I heard you screaming from the bathroom." Sara rubbed Tegan's back, "I was terrified."

"I didn't mean to scare you." Tegan nuzzled further into Sara's soft shirt, "I'm sorry."

Sara lifted Tegan's chin and looked into her eyes, "Don't be sorry. You have no need to be sorry." She kissed the top of her head and then asked, "What was it about?"

Tegan answered through the tears that just kept coming, "It was him…it was him…it was him."

"Shh…it's okay." Sara tried to comfort her, "He's not here Tegan. But I am, and you're going to be alright."

Tegan felt the pain slowly fade, but the tears remained, staining her cheeks. She was soothed by Sara's hand rubbing her back, her soft voice, but mostly by the knowledge that she was there for her. No one had ever comforted her before. At least not like this. This was something special. Tegan slowly drifted off to sleep and Sara cuddled her for the rest of the night.

Tegan woke up in the morning and she felt calm. She looked over to her left and Sara was sleeping. She looks like an angel! Tegan could help but smile. She reached out ran her fingers through Sara's hair, hoping it wouldn't wake her. Sara smiled slightly in her sleep and moved closer to Tegan. Tegan kissed her forehead and then slowly and quietly got out of bed. She wrote a note and left it on her pillow before walking to the kitchen.

"Let's see what she has." She said to herself as she opened the fridge, "Eggs…cheese…tomatoes…onion…bacon…I'll make omelets." She busied herself in the kitchen. If there was one thing she had learned from her Grandma it was this, she could make incredible breakfasts. After about fifteen minutes the omelets were ready. So she got out a couple of plates and forks, then she grabbed two glasses and poured some orange juice. She jumped when Sara spoke.

"Did you make breakfast?" She asked sleepily.

"Yeah!" Tegan smiled and pointed to the omelets, "I made you a frittata."

"A what?"

"Frittata…it's an omelet." Tegan handed her the plate.

"Thank you…but you didn't have to make breakfast."

"I wanted to." Tegan smiled and took a bite of her omelet. Sara then followed suit.

They ate in silence, aside from Sara telling Tegan repeatedly how good the omelet was. Tegan just shrugged it off, but inside she was extremely happy. She likes my food! I could get used to hearing that praise. She smirked and then finished eating.

"Did you sleep well?" Sara asked as she put her plate in the sink.

"I slept very well, actually." Tegan smiled, "I'm used to those dreams…only waking up once during the night is better than normal."

"Well I'm glad you slept well." Sara smiled and then spoke again, "Are they dreams or memories?"

"A bit of both…Usually memories, but when they turn into dreams it's worse." Tegan looked a little shell shocked, "Much worse. But last night was a memory. Albeit a bad one, it was at least only a memory."

"We should go shopping." Sara blurted after several seconds of silence, "Maybe I can get you something to help you get past those memories."

"I don't think anything will. But if you really want to, I won't refuse."

"Good!" Sara smiled in triumph, "Let's go shopping!"

They got dressed; Tegan was going to wear yesterday's clothes but Sara practically forced her to borrow some clean clothes. "Here," She tossed a gray v neck at Tegan, "This will look good, and you can borrow a pair of jeans." She pointed at the bottom drawer of her dresser. Tegan opened and grabbed a pair of faded black skinny jeans. "You look cute." Sara smirked at her as they walked out the door.

"Thanks." She smiled and checked out Sara. She was wearing a gray jacket over a red t-shirt with a pair of slim fitting jeans, "You look cuter."

They got in Tegan's car, "Where to?" Tegan asked as she started her sedan.

"I don't know." She shrugged and then added, "Where do you normally get your clothes?"

"At a friend's store," She answered and started to drive, "It's called Casual Classics. It's cheesy, I know, but the clothes are great."

"Okay. Let's go there then." Sara smiled at her and turned on the radio.

"Lately I saved myself

Lately I saved myself

Lately I saved myself

See I, I was wrong but I saved myself"

"I like the sound of this song." Sara said while absent mindedly swaying to the music.

"This college station is the best radio station there is." Tegan smiled and turned the volume up.

"I'm gonna have to dial it into my car next time I drive it." Sara smiled still swaying.

"You're cute when you listen to music."

Sara blushed and stopped swaying.

"Please don't stop." Tegan pouted and pushed her bottom lip out.

Sara chuckled and then continued with her swaying.

It was a short drive and they barely finished listening to one song before Tegan stopped the car and got out. She walked up to a small corner shop and went inside.

"Johnny!" She greeted the man sitting behind the checkout counter.

"Hey Tegan! It's been a while." He waved at her and smiled.

"Yeah it has." Tegan then turned to Sara, "This is my friend Johnny; Johnny this is Sara."

The two shook hands and then Tegan went around the store browsing through all the clothes.

"Wow…" Sara's jaw dropped as they walked around, "This place has awesome clothes."

"Yeah, I know." Tegan smiled and looked at a few shirts on a rack.

She held up a blue plaid button up that Sara could tell would hug her body, accenting her curves nicely, "I like it. Do you want it?" She asked and Tegan nodded.

"Yeah." Tegan handed Sara the shirt.

"Okay." Sara smiled, "Now I want to buy something. Can you help me?"

"Sure." Tegan smiled cheerily.

They spent over an hour looking around and collected a stack of shirts and jackets to decide from.

"I think you should buy the red v neck and the jean jacket." Tegan said holding them up.

"Okay." Sara would buy anything if Tegan said she liked it, "Let's go buy this stuff then."

They walked up to Johnny and set the three shirts on the counter, "We've finally decide." Tegan informed him.

"Alright." He quickly looked at the clothes, "Good choices." He looked at the price tags on the clothes and then said, "That'll be fifty bucks."

"Johnny I think your math is wrong." Tegan looked back at the clothes, "The jacket was almost fifty bucks."

"It's on sale." He shrugged and again said, "Fifty bucks."

Sara paid him and they walked out with their new clothes.

"You should come to The Hap tonight and wear your new shirt."

"Okay." Tegan smiled, "But I need to go home, there's some stuff I have to deal with. I'll drop you off at your place."

"Okay." Sara was a little sad that she couldn't spend all day with the beautiful and tragic woman that was Tegan Quin.

"But I promise I'll show go to the bar tonight." Tegan could see that Sara didn't want to let her go.

"Okay. You better not break that promise." Sara put on a stern face.

"I wouldn't dare." Tegan kissed her lightly on the lips and then jogged to the driver side door.

As Tegan drove her home, Sara road the whole way in silence, just soaking in the music that was seeping through Tegan's speakers.

"Black Flies on the window sill

That we are, That we are

That we are to know

Winter stole summer's thrill

And the river's cracked and cold"

Even though the song wasn't a happy song it calmed Tegan. Something about the music just made her feel at ease. She dropped Sara off, promising she'd be at the bar, they kissed, and then she drove to her apartment.

When she got home she started writing a song.

"I won't mistake you for problems with me

I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see"

She spent the rest of the afternoon writing the song, letting her emotional struggles fuel the lyrics. She loved Sara, but she knew that Sara was sad. Something in her eyes screamed it. But everything else about her was happy. Tegan wanted to know so badly what was keeping Sara sad. Maybe she actually cares about her parents opinion and she misses them. Maybe it's about an ex girlfriend. Maybe she lost someone close to her. Then it struck her. When she had mentioned her best friend she had said that she was gay. And when she said that was when Tegan first saw the deep sadness in her eyes. Oh god…she lost her closest friend.

Little did Tegan know that Sara's thoughts were right there in the same vein.

"Oh Jessie…" Sara cried as she pulled the senior picture out of her pocket, "I finally found someone. She's really nice, but she has a terrible past. I need your help. I don't know what to do to make her pain go away." She cried silently before continuing, "I talked to Shaun finally. It was the first time in too long, first time that we didn't talk about you. Maybe I'm getting better." She smiled, hoping she was, "Anyway, remember Tegan Quin? You loved her music. Well, she's the girl I met. She's so awesome Jess…you would have loved her. She's a lot like you. She makes me feel relaxed, and I haven't felt like that since the last time I saw you." She felt the tears pouring down her face, "I miss you so much Jess! I miss you so much. I wish I could've been there. I could have saved you. If I was there you never would have run across the street just to avoid walking all the way to the crosswalk. It's all my fault. I know it's my fault now, I can't blame Shaun forever. It's not his fault that he couldn't pick you up from college that night. It's mine. I was the one who asked him to hang out…It's my fault that he was too drunk to drive you home. And I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me? And help me forgive your brother. It was so nice to talk to him, I missed it. He reminded me too much of my pain for so long. But I think I'm finally getting better." She let out a small smile, "I love you so much Jess. Don't forget about me, just like I don't forget about you." She cried softly and when she finished crying she got ready for work.

Sara mindlessly served the customers and washed glasses, just waiting for Tegan to arrive. When she finally did Sara thought she'd break down and cry, but she stayed strong. "That's her Jess! Do you remember her?" She whispered to the air next to her, "I wish you could really meet her." A single tear started to leave her eye but she wiped it off discreetly before waving to Tegan.

"Hey there gorgeous." Tegan flashed her a cocky grin.

"Hi beautiful." Sara watched as Tegan's grin turned into a sincere smile.

"So, did you miss me?" Tegan sat on the stool directly across from her.

"Of course." Sara leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. More than you know.

"I have a new song to perform tomorrow night." Tegan absent mindedly twiddled her thumbs, a nervous habit.

"Really?" Sara perked up, "What's it about?"

"Well…me…sort of…" Tegan's confidence left and she looked down at the counter.

"I can't wait to hear it!" Sara flashed her a giant smile, "I love hearing about you."

Tegan smiled back but inside her stomach did a backflip. But it's about you…please open up to me! Please? "I hope you like it." She smiled some more, but her insides were battling against her urge to just ask Sara what made her so sad. I can't ask, but maybe she'll open up to my song. If not, I'll just have to wait a while, wait until she's ready.