Leliana

I woke, feeling exhausted. Hazy vision scanned the room. It seemed to be empty.

How long have I slept?

"Wynne?" I asked.

My words caught in my throat and I coughed, pain spearing through my shoulder though less, much less, than it had been before. I lifted a hand to my head and found that my temperature seemed normal. Wynne's care must have broken the fever.

"Is anyone there?" I called again.

No answer came. I had been left alone, and I sighed with relief.

If Wynne was comfortable with leaving me unsupervised, then I must be all right. Thank the Maker. I was not too late...at least to return to them. As for me and Salem...I do not know. I could not even meet her gaze. What must she think of me?

I needed to find her. I needed to speak with her, to try to understand. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood. My balance wavered, then stabilized. I looked down at myself, at the Chantry robes stained with human and darkspawn blood. I cringed, hating the feeling of filth caked on my clothing and skin.

This is not the person I am, I realized. Yet I came back. Not for this life, not for this mission, not even because I believe the Maker sent me a vision. I came back for the woman whose gaze I can no longer meet. I came back for Salem.

I removed the Chantry robes and cast them into the fire. They were a symbol of the life I had tried to return to and failed. They had been torn by swords and arrows, been tainted with blood, as had I. I had no more use for them.

As I have no more use for who I was before I joined the warden. The warden...not mine. Not any longer.

I found a basin of water that Wynne had left behind. I cleaned blood from my hands and washed my face, finger-combing my hair into something that resembled order. There was a familiarity to the action that soothed me.

Because I loved what my life became, after I met Salem. I served a different purpose. To save life...not take it, not manipulate it. I had thought...I had foolishly thought I might do such good deeds on my own.

The door of the house opened and Salem entered, wringing moisture from her hair. She stopped short, staring at me. Her nostrils flared as she took a sharp inhale. Too exhausted, too conflicted to cover myself, I simply stood there, feeling the scrutiny of her gaze on my naked body.

She averted her eyes too soon; my heart ached with the loss.

"Forgive me." she turned her back. "I thought you would still be sleeping. I'll fetch Wynne."

Her hand wrapped around the door. It was covered with deep blue, spiderwebbing lines. Scars left by dragon's blood.

"No." my voice warbled out, weak and pleading, like a child's. "Salem, please stay."

Her shoulders tensed, but she closed the door, staying in the room. "Get dressed, Leliana." she muttered.

I remember when you would have given anything to see me like this; keep me like this. I have not been gone so very long, Salem. How can so much be changed between us?

I complied with her wishes, locating the clothing that Wynne had found in my pack and left for me. I dressed quickly, not wanting Salem to leave, dreading what might next happen. I knew that Arl Eamon's condition weighed heavily in the warden's mind, especially since, I assumed, she had recovered the Ashes. I was well enough now to be...left behind. My chest tightened at the thought. I did not want to be alone, or apart from her, ever again.

I turned to her, avoiding her eyes. I did not know if I had the strength to meet them.

"What do you want?" she asked, voice made of stone.

Everything, my hands trembled, nothing. Just you, Salem. You.

"I...I want to ask your forgiveness." I answered, knowing that no amount of apologies could begin to repair the damage I had done.

"Granted." she shrugged her shoulders. "You did nothing wrong."

How can you be so cold to me!

"That is where you are lying to yourself, warden." I corrected her, feeling heat in my words. "I left you on pretenses that I did not even fully comprehend. Since leaving you, I have suffered a...gruesome epiphany."

"And?" one word, no tone.

So frigid. I feel as though the warden I knew had been freshly carved from ice and given speech. A stranger stands before me. A stranger whose eyes have death written into them. I need to tell her. I need to tell her what I have seen, what I have realized.

"Salem, I had no right to ask of you what I did..."

"Yes, you did." she cut off my words. "I gave you every right to depart at any time you wished. We have traversed this road too many times, Leliana. I have lost my taste and patience for this turn of conversation."

"Listen to me!" I shouted as she turned on her heel to leave. "I was wrong! I failed you!" I felt tears in my eyes, but made no attempt to stop them. "I was so lost, so caught up in my love of you and need of you, that I did not realize the gravity of the burdens on your shoulders!"

I stood there, breathing heavily, my shoulder throbbing. Salem's eyes flashed.

"And you expect me to believe that any of this has changed?" she asked, her voice as insufferably controlled as it had been on the mountainside when I railed against her. "You think you can twist your tongue, weave a line of poetry, and convince me that at last you understand?"

"Hear me out!" I begged, wishing for the eloquence she attributed to me. "Please, Salem, I beg of you. Hear me out."

"Why?" she asked, striding towards me. "Why play at pretense?" she stood before me, a palpable presence, all grief and sorrow and hurt. "Look at me." she entreated, voice gentle, kind, loving, the Salem who was not made of ice.

I averted my eyes, unable to bear what I would see in hers.

She grasped my chin in her scarred hand and wrenched my eyes to hers. "Look at me!" she sounded like thunder. "Gaze into my eyes and tell me you have seen the error of your ways, that at last you truly understand!"

I stood there, transfixed, struck by terror, in awe of the...power...inside her new eyes. My heart fluttered in my chest and blood drained away from my face. For the first time since I had known her, I was afraid. Afraid of Salem, the woman whose heart was too kind, too noble; the woman who erased fear with her presence and calmed wars with an evenly spoken word.

"Is this what you want, Leliana?" she asked. "You wish to return to this? To eyes you cannot even meet? You asked but one thing of me, and it was so precious little. I could not give it to you and it tore me apart. This...this is my fate." she took a deep breath, appearing vulnerable for the briefest of moments. "You cannot accept it, and I have no right to ask such a thing of you."

"I can accept it." I bolstered myself, closing my eyes. "I can."

In disgust, Salem tore her hand from my face and backed away from me.

"Do you know what is is, Leliana, to touch the face of god?" she whispered. "I stood in the holy of holies and laid my hands on the body of the Maker's Bride. I saw evidence that the Maker exists; I re-affirmed my struggling faith, found my blindness healed, only to discover that my eyes are scarred with death itself!? Tell me again how you can accept this!"

"Because I love you!" I screamed, unwilling to bear it any longer.

The words hovered between us and the air turned brittle. Salem pinched the bridge of her nose and I ran my hands through my hair, uncertain of what to say, or do, next.

At last, the warden sighed. "That did not sway you last time." she said.

Before I could speak in my defense, she opened the door and left. I sank down onto the floor, beside the bed, unable to stand on my shaking legs any longer. Tears coursed unhindered down my cheeks.

I have lost her, I realized. I may have returned, but Salem...is gone.