Leliana
Though we may be broken, though we may be bruised, this...this is paradise.
A contented smile perched on my lips and would not depart. I stared at the ceiling, replete, content. Salem lay curled against me, asleep. Her head rested on my uninjured shoulder and her arm, even in slumber, had wrapped about my waist.
I rested my hand against the small of her back, tracing Orlesian poems into her skin with my fingertips. I leaned down and kissed her forehead, savoring her warmth against mine, the feel of her skin; how she had been so heartbreakingly gentle.
Still afraid, still hesistant...still reluctant to believe that this is real.
She had cautiously removed her clothes, allowing me to take in the ruin that had been made of her body. There were the old scars, the ones I had become accustomed to...and then there were the new. Her entire right side was swathed in scar tissue from the swipe of the dragon's talons. The strange blue spiderweb scars from the dragon's blood were splashed across her back, spreading outward from her spine across the tops of her shoulders. Her right hand and forearm were covered in them as well.
I did not tell her, but it worried me. Dragons had been unheard of for many Ages, and had been proclaimed extinct by scholars. There was no way of knowing what effect being exposed to the blood would have on her body, if any at all.
And this scar, I stroked the odd, tattoo-like scar that arced across her cheek. Is it strange that I find it lovely?
I placed a gentle kiss to the scar, tasting the salt on her skin from the exertions of our lovemaking. She had given me all the time I needed to reacquaint myself with her body, shuddering when I traced her scars with my fingers, when I took the curves of her hips in my hands and drew her close to me. She had returned my kisses with ardor and passion, allowing me to take her to the bed, to be inside of her and bring her to pleasure and release.
There had been tears in her eyes as she had taken me, as her mouth had closed over my breasts and her fingers had pressed into me, claiming me once again. I had wept with joy, spent myself against her hand and her lips, begged for her embrace. And she had come into my arms, still cautious, almost hesitant, as though afraid the moment would break. Together we had fallen asleep, and I had awakened in her arms, at last feeling whole.
I ran my hand up and down her spine, pausing as I felt the muscles in her back spasm. Salem curled tighter against me; her breathing became harsh and uneven.
"Salem?" I whispered.
Her hand clawed into my side and I hissed at the bite of her nails. Her eyes worked frantically beneath their lids and sweat beaded on her forehead.
I cannot promise you a day without hardship, Salem's words ghosted through my thoughts. Maker's breath, even after your trials, even after we have fallen back together, she is still trapped in nightmares.
"Salem," I spoke louder, pressing closer against her, stroking my hand up and down her back. "Salem, wake up."
She moaned in her sleep and her brows creased in pain. "Salem, love, come back to me." I begged, stifling a cry of shock as her nails gouged into me again.
Maker, please, give her rest! I pleaded. I hate this. I fucking hate this!
"Wake up, my warden." I pressed my lips to her forehead, to the dark circles underneath her eyes. "Please, I'm here, I'm here with you."
A strangled cry slipped from her lips and her eyes flared open. Salem's eyes darted around, lost, trying to center herself after whatever hell she had witnessed.
"I've got you." I whispered, the same words she had reassured me with.
"Leli?" she asked, voice rough with silent screaming.
"You were having a nightmare." I told her, stroking my hands through her impossibly soft hair.
"Maker's blood-soaked breath." Salem released her death grip on my side and I winced.
She examined her fingernails and found no blood, but she looked displeased regardless. She sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, folding over to her knees.
"Damn it!" her hands clenched into fists.
I moved to her, pulling her body against mine, layering her shoulder with kisses. Her muscles knotted under my touch.
"Salem..."
"I'm sorry, Leliana." her black laugh echoed and died. "Trust me to ruin a joyous reunion."
"Come back." I urged, tugging her back onto the bed with me. "Lie down. You have ruined nothing."
She turned in my embrace, lowering her eyes. My heart hurt, knowing that she did so for me. I hated myself for my aversion to the scars there. I wanted to meet her gaze without the initial pang of fear. I wanted to look past those scars in that fathomless silver-blue and see to the woman beyond. The woman I loved. The woman who needed me.
"Heavens, hells, and angels!" she exclaimed, jarring me from my thoughts. Salem's trembling fingers brushed the bandage on my shoulder, touching the fresh red stains. "Did I..." her voice quaked, "...did I do that?"
"No, love, no." I assured her, kissing her, silencing her worry. "It is all right; I am all right. Calm yourself, Salem. All is well."
She lay down beside me with a gusty exhale.
"I am a wreck." she stated, blunt. "I feel so very lost, Leliana. I walked through hell and fire and torment, praying for a death that did not come. I found you again and almost destroyed what could have been repaired..."
"Shhh." I soothed her. "It was not destroyed. What...what we have reagined...it is weak, it is fragile, but we know what it once was and what it can be again...if given time."
Salem reached up and cupped my cheek. "I do not want to lose you again." she allowed me to see her vulnerable side, a part of herself rarely shown, even to me, even before...things between us are changing, mayhaps even for the better.
"You need not harbor that fear." I told her, wrapping my arms around her, entwining our bodies, sharing our weaknesses, hurts, and scars.
"What changed?" she asked.
My heart sank. I had wanted to delay this conversation, to avoid the spilling of my soul. But she had bared her heart to me. She had revealed herself as she never had before.
"I saw the error of my ways." I told her.
"Tell me." she entreated, nibbling at the edge of my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
"I...I met a family on the road." I remembered Aaron and Lisbeth's welcome, Shira's suspicion, and their horrible death at the hands of the darkspawn. "They invited me to their fire, offered to give me shelter and food. Conversation turned to the state of affairs."
"Go on." Salem urged, lightly caressing the scars left from my torture in Orlais.
"They...they lost their son at Ostagar." I continued, remembering the loss in their eyes...the pain. "And they believed Loghain's rumor, that the battle was lost because of the wardens. I...I could not say anything against that. I was alone, afraid, in pain, and I...I failed to defend you, Salem. I sat there and I listened to their misguided vitriol and I...I agreed. I have betrayed you...twice over."
Salem hugged me tighter to her, and I felt at home in her arms. "You did what you had to do." she whispered. "I will never fault you for that, Leliana. Never."
I do not deserve you.
"It...broke my heart." I returned to the tale, forcing myself to finish it. "Every thought was of you, how you fought and sacrificed for people who would prefer to see you drawn and quartered in the public square. I tortured myself as I realized how pathetic and selfish I had been, how ignorant I was of all that you truly faced. And then...then as if all of hell wished to torment me, darkspawn attacked the camp."
"So that is how..." she trailed off, lightly stroking the bandage wrapped around my injured shoulder.
I nodded and tears pricked my eyes. "I tried, Salem." Please do not think me weak, do not think me incapable. "I tried to save them. But the darkspawn were so many, and I the only one skilled with weapons. I could not stop the massacre. They perished because of my weakness. When all the darkspawn were dead, only I and the daughter remained. She was gravely injured...stabbed in the stomach..."
"It is all right." Salem soothed me as my voice cracked. "You need not tell me any more. I understand."
I know that you do, but your understanding is not enough. I must tell you this. I must let you see me as I discovered myself. Weaker than I thought. Damaged. Useless.
"I tried to save her." I wept. "I tried...but she...she looked at me and told me that she had nothing left. She asked me for mercy...and I...I gave in. I killed her, Salem. Maker's blood...it might have been you. She had lost her family, her livelihood, all that she had. I felt that it was you I held in my arms, and I did not fight for her. Even as I drew the blade across her throat, I saw your face...I failed you..."
I began sobbing, drawn back to the terrible night, the horrific realization that I had, however unintentional, killed the one I loved, unmercifully. Salem held me, whispering reassurances and comforts, taking my pain into herself. Forgiving me.
At last, I regained composure enough to speak.
"I understood then, the gravity of what I had done to you, Salem. I left you with a crumbling world on your shoulders. I forsook you because I could not bear to see you consistently broken. It was idiotic and selfish."
"No..." she tucked her finger under my chin and attempted to interrupt me, but I placed a finger against her lips and continued.
"I realized why, Salem." I told her. "I realized why you throw yourself in front of every hardship, why you take every blow you are able, why you bleed out for the world. It is so that the rest of us do not have to suffer. It is so that many can live their lives unscarred, un-haunted by nightmares. Seeing that, knowing that, I had to come back."
"Thank you." she pressed her lips against my forehead.
"As much as I knew it would be a dagger in your gut to see me again, I had to come back." I forced myself to keep speaking. "I prayed...every minute I prayed that you would not turn me away. I need you, Salem. You are fixed in me as surely as my own heart, lungs, and blood. I...I am nothing without you."
"You are everything." she smiled, catching my lips in a tender, re-affirming kiss. "To me, you are everything."
I melted into her, fitting my body to hers until they were one, a patchwork quilt of scars and hearts intertwined...as was meant.