"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
― Bob Marley
Buffy arrives at the hotel two and a half hours later, her footsteps echoing in the empty lobby. She guesses Wesley took her advice. She looks around the room, taking in her surroundings. She sees a steady trail of blood and she wonders how no one noticed it. She wonders, not for the first time, what they were thinking.
She follows the trail of blood up the stairs, down the hall, and outside one of the rooms. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself. She can do this. She has to. The thought that she should have killed Angelus years ago when she had the chance creeps into her mind, nearly paralyzing her with grief. She pushes the door open and flicks on the light.
She feels the nausea creep back as she takes it all in. Blood on the walls - WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO? - the same message he had left for Buffy years prior. All this time, she thought it was for her, to taunt her. Now she realizes it's his MO. Back then, Angelus couldn't rape her, so he did the next best thing.
The bedsheets are in disarray, splattered in red, and an arrow is lodged in the wall. Buffy guesses Fred tried to stake him with a crossbow, but she wasn't fast enough. A struggle has clearly taken place in the room, and Buffy can't imagine the terror going through Fred's mind if she's this on edge just looking at the chaos that Angelus caused.
She makes quick work of gathering Fred's belongings. She searches in the closet and finds a suitcase, large and clunky. She opens the dresser and throws as much as she can in the suitcase. Then grabs as many books as she can from the bookshelf. She sees the stuffed rabbit on the floor. It's covered in blood, but she takes it anyway. She can wash it when she gets home.
She closes the suitcase. Then remembers something. Her glasses. She looks around the room and finds them, tangled in the bloody bedsheets. Buffy can only assume they got knocked off her in the middle of the struggle. The frames are bent, the lens cracked. Bloody. They're no good anymore. Buffy sighs, taking them and placing them on the nightstand.
She takes one last look around the room and then exits, closing the door behind her, shutting out the disturbing scene. She knows what Angelus is capable of - she's seen and experienced it firsthand - but this feels different somehow. Like when he killed Jenny, and Giles wasn't Giles for the rest of the year.
She hopes that Willow can bring Fred back from this, because she knows how much Willow cares about her, and if she loses Fred to this, Buffy will most certainly lose Willow.
She can barely stomach the thought.
When she gets home, it's just past three-thirty in the afternoon. She sees Dawn in the living room, diligently doing her homework as promised. Spike sits in the armchair, watching her.
When he sees Buffy, he stands, crossing in front of her. "Everything go alright?" He asks, his hands itching to reach for her, to hold her. But he can't, won't. It's funny, he thinks, how often people take consent for granted.
"Yeah." She replies, her voice laden with exhaustion. She looks at Dawn, still focused on the open books in front of her. "What about here?"
"Safe as houses, love." He assures her. "The ladies came down for a bit. Red tried to get Fred to eat something, but soon as she did, it sent her to the bathroom to bring it back up. Can only imagine…" He trails off, anger and frustration etching across his face. He's been side by side with Angelus. He has watched him break several women, and he knows his MO. To a tee. He knows why Fred got sick, and it makes his blood boil.
"Thanks, Spike." She whispers. "For everything." It isn't often that Buffy acknowledges just how much she appreciates having Spike in her life, but today, she needs to say it and he needs to hear it. "Can you keep an eye on things down here for a little longer?"
"I'll be wherever you need me, pet. 'Less it's outside. Then we'll have to have a conversation." His eyes shine with humor.
The corners of Buffy's lips lift into a small smile and she climbs the stairs, the suitcase thumping behind her the only sound in the house. As she reaches Willow's bedroom, she pushes the door open softly and sees Fred curled into Willow's side with her head on her chest. Willow has an arm wrapped securely around Fred's waist as she reads to her. If the situation wasn't so tragic, Buffy thinks it could be a Kodak moment.
"She wasn't usually afraid of weather. It's not just the weather, she thought. It's the weather on top of everything else." Willow reads, her voice gentle yet steady. Her free hand runs soothingly through Fred's hair. She looks up to see Buffy, standing in the doorway. "Buffy, you're back."
Buffy approaches them, her footsteps gentle on the carpet. She lowers herself to crouch in front of them. "I'm back. I got most of your clothes and books. I was able to save Feigen-thing. He needs a good bath, but he should come out on top." She stands and crosses to the suitcase, opening it up and getting to work unpacking it.
She discreetly hides the rabbit from Fred's view. She doesn't want the sight of her blood to induce another panic attack. She places the folded clothes at the end of the bed and the books on the nightstand. "Your glasses didn't make it. I'm sorry." For everything, she thinks.
Fred shrugs, then winces when her body screams out in pain. She wonders how long it'll be before she can move without wanting to cry out in agony. "J…ust…rea…ding."
It takes Buffy a few seconds to understand that she's trying to tell her that the glasses are just for reading, and not that her and Willow are reading.
"It's okay, Buff. She has me to read to her now anyway." Willow joked gently.
Buffy nods, relieved. "Good. Well, I'll be downstairs if you need me. I'll try to get Dawnie to keep it down, but no promises."
"Th…ank…you." Fred mumbles. Her eyes grow heavy against the sound of Willow's gentle ministrations and steady heartbeat. She slowly drifts off, letting the noises of the house comfort her.
Buffy descends the stairs with the blood-soaked rabbit in her hands. She crosses to the basement door, her hands idly playing with Feigenbaum as she walks.
"What you got there?"
Buffy jumps at Spike's voice, then turns to face him. "Feigen…something." Buffy answers, then at the understandably confused look that flashes across his face, she elaborates. "Fred's stuffed rabbit. A casualty of war. But I think I can save him."
"Need a hand?" He asks as he follows her into the basement. He stands a fair distance away, waiting for her to make the first move.
"No." She says, and as she reaches for the laundry detergent, she hears him start to walk away. "But I could use some company. The thought of being alone right now is…" She shivers.
Spike nods, stepping closer to her. He watches as she works, trying to scrub the blood out. She scrubs so hard that he thinks she's going to scrub her hands raw, make them bleed. Then her shoulders shake with silent sobs. Spike steps forward, reaching out to touch her. His hands hover over Buffy's quivering form. It takes everything he has not to pull her into his arms. "Buffy." He says quietly, his voice barely audible over the sound of the running water.
Buffy turns and buries her face in Spike's chest, holding onto him like a lifeline. Spike wraps his arms around Buffy, pulling her close as she clings to him. He can feel the weight of her sorrow, the tremors that wrack her body. Gently, he rests his cheek against the top of her head, offering her the comfort she desperately needs. "I can't get it out." She sobs into his shirt, clutching onto him. "I told Fred I would…" She chokes on another sob.
They stand there in the dimly lit basement, Buffy's tears dampening Spike's shirt as he holds her. The sound of running water provides a steady backdrop to their shared moment of vulnerability. Finally, he speaks up. "You did what you could." He tells her, rocking her gently in his arms. He just wants her to stop crying. He hates it when she cries. "I'll get another one at sundown. I bet she'll never know the difference." He presses his lips to the crown of her head.
"It's not the same." She mumbles, her fist hitting Spike's chest softly at his suggestion. "I can't let her down again, Spike. I…" She trailed off, wiping her eyes.
"Again?" He repeats, confused. "How's that, pet?"
"Because…because if I had killed him when I had the chance…"
Spike grabs onto her shoulders and shakes her gently, as if he's trying to shake the blame out of her. "I don't wanna hear that." Spike tells her, forcing her to meet his gaze. "You listen to me. This isn't your fault. This isn't anyone's fault, except his. And maybe those bloody pillocks that let him loose in the first damn place."
"But I…"
"But nothing, love. You did everything right, do you hear me? I don't give a damn about love. You saw that Angel still had a chance and you bloody well gave it to him. Not everyone could do that, not even me. You saved a lot of lives by keeping him alive, do you hear me? You think what you want about me, Slayer, but what I think about you? You're a hero. And if you think for one second that you're not, then…"
Buffy leans up and brushes her lips against his. So quick he has to wonder if it even happened, then she's back to trying to scrub Feigenbaum again. "I think you're a hero, too."
Dawn may be the youngest, but she's not stupid. She knows that Fred got hurt, and she hears the crying in the middle of the night when she has nightmares. She takes sex ed, and she's learning about consent. Dawn always thought it was kind of lame. If you don't want sex, why don't you just say no? Then they watched this documentary about the effects of rape. How sometimes it doesn't matter if you say no. The guy still does it anyway. Sometimes, it's the girl that does it. It freaked Dawn out so much that she snuck into Buffy's room that night and slept in her bed. A week later, Fred showed up looking like she did.
The whole house is different now. She never sees Willow anymore because she's always with Fred in her room. Spike practically lives here now. She hears Spike and Buffy talking about Angelus all the time. She asked Xander about him yesterday morning and he got all moody and told her to ask Buffy. When she did, Buffy just said not to worry about it. How can she not worry when it's all everyone else is doing? She looked him up during her free period yesterday, but all she came up with was some prayer. She doubts they'd be that spooked about the incarnation of Jesus Christ.
She tries to help out because she can see how freaked everyone is and she doesn't like it. She just wants everything to go back to normal. She wants them to be okay again. She remembers the woman in the documentary saying it can take years for victims to go back to themselves, if ever. She doesn't want that for Fred.
So she does what she can, which isn't much, because Buffy's even more protective now. Only, now so is Spike. She takes two plates and four slices of bread, smothering two pieces with peanut butter and the other two with jam. She puts both sandwiches together and puts one on each plate. She grabs two glasses from the cupboard and the milk from the fridge, filling them both halfway.
Then she opens the freezer and grabs a bag of frozen peas. She saw Buffy do this the first night Fred got here. She takes the tea towel and wraps the peas up. She grabs the bottle of prescription painkillers. She hasn't seen Fred since that first night, but she can only imagine how painful it is. She grabs a tray and sets everything on top.
Finally, she grabs a piece of paper and a pen. She scribbles something down and folds it so that Fred will see it with everything else on the tray.
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Live. Be brave.
It's what Buffy told her right before she died, and it has stuck with Dawn ever since. She hopes it can do the same for Fred. She dots the i's with little hearts.
When she's finished, she climbs the steps and quietly moves down the hallway. Buffy told her that they have to be quiet because Fred scares easily, and there's a good chance she'll be asleep most of the time.
She knocks softly on the door, then gently pushes it open with her foot. She sees Fred, curled into Willow's side with her head resting on her chest and her hand curled into a fist around Willow's shirt. Willow holds her close, a hand rubbing her back, even while Fred sleeps. Dawn wants to ask if she really thinks it makes a difference, but Buffy says to be on her best behavior, and she's afraid Willow might take it the wrong way.
"Dawnie." Willow whispers, waving her closer with her free hand. "What's this?"
"I thought you guys might wanna eat something. Mister and Missus Buzzkill won't let me out of the house after dark to get actual food, so…" She whispers, trailing off as she takes in Fred's face. It looks like the bruising in her jaw has gone down, but it's only been two days and Buffy says it can take weeks for an injury like that to heal. Over a month. Dawn can't imagine. "How is she?"
"She's coping." Willow says, taking the tray and placing it on her lap. "Thanks, honey. This is really sweet. I'm sure Fred will love it." She doesn't tell her that Fred still can't keep anything down. It's a combination of the painkillers and the flashbacks.
"There's some painkillers too." Dawn says, as if Willow can't see them. "And more peas. 'Cause I don't think it's fair that she has to wait so long to feel better, so I wanna help make it go by faster."
Willow picks up the note and reads it, recognizing the words. Her heart swells at the gesture and she reaches out with her free hand. Dawn takes it. "I know it's probably pretty scary right now, but things will get better soon. I promise."
Dawn sighs. She's heard that before. It's what all the adults say when they don't actually know if things will ever get better. It's what they kept telling her when Glory was after them, and then Buffy died, so really, why should she trust that it'll be different this time? "Yeah. I guess." She says, to make things easier on Willow.
"And, as soon as they do, I'll take you shopping for the whole day. Just us." Willow continues, squeezing Dawn's hand.
"Fred too?"
Willow looks down at Fred, still asleep against her chest. "Oh. I don't know about that, Dawn. We'll have to see how things play out. Okay?"
"But you like her, right?" Dawn asks, keeping her voice low. "Like, like her? Does that mean she's staying?"
Willow's cheeks turn a bright shade of red. She makes a mental note to make sure Dawn isn't in the house the next time she decides to have a heart to heart about her feelings with Buffy. "It means we'll have to see how things play out." She repeats, because she doesn't want to hype Dawn or herself up by making promises she can't know the answers to.
"Like if you-know-who comes here?" Dawn asks, gripping Willow's hand tighter. She doesn't want to say his name in front of Fred. Triggers were another thing she learned about. They sound really scary.
"You don't have to worry about that." Willow tells her confidently. Dawn can see she's holding back her anger, like she wants to hit something. "We'll make sure he doesn't hurt you."
Dawn sinks down on the floor next to Willow's bed, still holding her hand. She's missed her. "But what do I have to worry about?" She asks. "It's like, when I ask about Fred, you just tell me not to worry. When I ask about him, you tell me not to worry. But I know about this stuff and Fred's not really okay and someone bad might actually be after us and no one's telling me anything 'cause they think I'm just a stupid little kid."
"Dawnie…"
"I'm not, you know." Dawn continues, picking at a loose thread on her jeans. "A kid. I can handle it. I know things. Just like you, and Buffy, and Spike."
Willow sighs. "You're right, sweetie. It's not fair. I promise I'll do my best to answer any questions you have. Minimal shielding."
"Why did he do it?" Dawn asks. "I mean, I know it's 'cause he's bad and seriously disturbed, but why did he do it to her?"
Willow feels a heavy weight settle in her chest as she grapples with the same question that's haunted her since that night. She takes a moment to gather her thoughts before responding. "I don't know, sweetie. Not really. I guess just because…I guess because he could." Once the words are out of her mouth, they slam into her like a ton of bricks.
"That's not fair." Dawn points out, playing with a ring on Willow's finger. It's big and clunky. Light blue. She twirls it around. "Just 'cause she can't fight back, he thinks he has the right to hurt her like that?"
"Yeah." Willow whispers, squeezing Dawn's hand gently. She wishes she didn't have to have this conversation with Dawn. She wishes she could keep her sheltered, innocent, forever. Then, she guesses, that's probably the reason Buffy hasn't told her anything either. "It happens sometimes, sweetie. I know it's a lot."
"I know it happens." Dawn says. "They made us watch a whole documentary in school about it. I just didn't think…" She looks at Fred again. Her face has contorted into one of pain. Is it her jaw, she wonders, or another nightmare? "Who's he?"
"Sweetie, maybe…"
"Maybe what? Maybe I should ask Buffy? I tried that. Know what she told me? Not to worry. Well, guess what, Willow? I'm worrying."
Willow sighs. She really doesn't want to have to explain this to Dawn, especially because Fred is sleeping right beside her, and she's worried she'll overhear. Still, she promised Dawn. "He's a friend of Buffy's. They used to date, but he left to go to LA. Fred used to work with him, but I think that's pretty much over now."
Dawn doesn't need the name to piece it together. She goes pale. Angel did this. Angel hurt Fred. He hurt Buffy, because Buffy hasn't been the same since she found out either. And he hurt Willow, because Willow really likes Fred. He hurt Spike, too, she guesses, because Buffy says him and Angel go way back. That's really not fair. "But…why? I thought he was, like, good. Like Spike."
"He is. Most of the time." Willow assures her. "But sometimes the bad parts of him come out. They did a spell to make that happen, and they weren't careful enough."
"So it's their fault? His friends in LA?"
"Yes." Willow says, then backtracks. She shouldn't say that. Not without knowing everything. "No. I don't…" She trails off, looking at Fred. Battered and broken. They were looking for information, Buffy said, that only Angelus had. But they had to know better. They had to know that Angelus wouldn't talk so easily. Mind games are his specialty. So, maybe it was their fault. Maybe, if they needed information, they could have called Giles. Or asked around at local demon bars. If he knew what they needed to know, someone or something else was bound to as well. "Yeah. I guess it is their fault."
"So that's who I should be mad at?" Dawn asks, staring at her lap. "'Cause I feel like if I know who to hate, then maybe I won't feel so helpless, you know?"
Willow nods. "Yeah. I know."
When he shows up, Buffy doesn't recognize him.
He introduces himself as Charles, and he tells her he works with Angel. Buffy thinks briefly about slamming the door in his face. But she figures it's not up to her to decide who Fred gets to see and who she doesn't.
She invites him inside, closing the door behind him. "You want something to drink? Water?"
"Nah. I'm good. I really just wanna see Fred, if it's alright with you." Gunn says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He knows he shouldn't be here. He doesn't have the right, after what he let happen, but he needs her to know how sorry he is.
"It's not. Really." Buffy says, cutting through his thoughts. "Alright with me. But it's not my choice. So here's the deal. You see her. You say whatever you need to say. But Willow stays. I stay. And if she says go, you go. And you never come back."
Gunn nods. It's as good as he's gonna get, he guesses. He follows Buffy up the stairs and they stop outside a door. She knocks softly. "Wait here." She orders, not even trying to hide her disdain. Why should she? He hates himself just as much right now.
Buffy steps inside and sees that both Willow and Fred are awake, and Dawn is with them, sitting on the floor.
"Buffy, I was just…"
"It's okay, Dawnie. You're not in trouble. I want you to go to your room, thiugh, okay? I need to talk to Fred and Willow for a sec."
Dawn looks at Buffy, then back at Willow and Fred. "Is this one of those adult talks?"
"Yeah." Buffy says. "I'll come get you when we're done and we can watch a movie or something, okay?"
Dawn nods, understanding. "Cool." She leaves, passing by a man she's never seen before. She puts the pieces together. It's one of Fred's so-called friends. He looks at her, waiting. Like he knows she's gonna say something. Like he knows he deserves it. "You're one of them, aren't you?" She asks, her voice like poison. "You're one of the ones who let Angelus hurt Fred."
Gunn doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. It happens so fast, he doesn't have time to react. Her palm hits his cheek, hard. Normally, he'd have her in a death grip by now. But he doesn't do anything, because he deserves it. He watches her walk away into another room and close the door behind her.
Buffy crouches down in front of the bed. "One of your friends is here. Charles. He says he needs to talk to you. If you don't want to see him, I can tell him to leave."
Fred sits up. Her pain is lessened by the drugs, but not by much. "No." She says. "S…end…him…in."
Buffy nods and stands slowly, keeping her hands visible. She crosses to the door and opens it, but doesn't make an effort to leave.
Gunn walks in, slow and deliberate. He sees Fred, beaten and bruised, and he wants to cry. "Baby. I'm so sorry." He steps closer to the bed. "I didn't even see..."
The closer he gets to the bed, the more she feels like she's going to be sick. She inches closer to Willow. "D…on't…pl…ease…" If Gunn hears her, he doesn't listen. He's closer now, right beside them. She knows he doesn't mean anything by it, but the last time a man got this close to her in bed…she closes her eyes tightly, but she sees his face.
"Fred, I'm here. It's okay, baby." Gunn says, and he reaches out to take her hand.
Her eyes shoot open and dart across the room. It was always their thing, holding hands. Angelus ruined that. "S…top!" She says, as loud and clear as she can through the pain. "D…on't…tou…ch…me."
"Baby, I just wanna be here for you."
Fred just wants him to stop. She doesn't even know how angry she is until it comes out. She's angry that he got jealous over Angelus' threats, angry that he decided to let her sleep alone, angry that he never came when Angelus followed through on his word and she screamed for him to help her. She's just angry. "Too…l…ate, Char…les. Y…ou…weren't…there…when…he…was…r…aping…me. Y…ou…weren't…there…wh…en…it…matt…ered."
Gunn steps back then, her words like a physical blow. "That son of a bitch raped you?" His voice is loud, angry. "Answer me!" He yells, but not because he's mad at her, but because he's sure his world has just been shattered.
Fred startles, drawing closer to Willow. God, she just wants this to be over. She wants to be normal again. "Yes." She replies meekly.
And the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. "Well, why didn't you scream or somethin'?"
"I…did." Fred cries, loud and painful. "O…ver…and…o…ver. Th…en…he…h…it…me." She points to her jaw. "I…sc…reamed…I…did…" Her voice is caught in a sob and she hides her face in Willow's shoulder, her fists gripping her shirt tightly. "I sc…rea…med. I…"
"I know, sweetie." Willow whispers into her hair. "Shh." She sees Buffy all but physically push Gunn out of the room, closing the door softly behind them. She pulls Fred closer so she's in her lap, rocking her gently. "I know."
"I…ne…ver…want…to…s…ee…him…ag…ain." She sobs into Willow's shoulder. "P…lease…don't…ma…ke…me."
"Okay, baby." Willow says softly, holding onto her tighter. "Never again. I promise." She can't take away Fred's pain, but she sure as hell can make sure no one else causes her any more.