Clouded

Sara struggles with being back in Montreal

Tegan was fast asleep on her back and Sara cuddled up to her, resting her head on Tegan's chest. She let her mind wander as she slowly traced circles around Tegan's bare stomach.

Sara hastily dialed the number into her phone.

"Hey Sara." The normally calming voice came through the phone.

"Fuck you Courtney!" She shouted at him, displacing her actual feelings.

"What's going on Sara?" He sounded concerned and a little shaky.

"My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her and it's your fault!" Tears were already staining her cheeks, but she needed to get her anger out. She didn't let him respond this time, "She came home from work yesterday and asked what I did all day. So I told her that I talked to a good friend for over an hour, and she got really aggressive. And when I said your name was Courtney she assumed I was talking to a girl. She stormed out and threatened to leave me forever."

"Sara," He was calm and steady again, "Do you want me to explain it to her? It should be a fairly easy fix."

Sara was silent for several seconds, "I don't know if I actually want that."

"I understand," He kept his voice level, "What is the actual problem then, Sara?"

"She doesn't trust me," She cried as silently as possible, "I don't get it. I've never done anything that should make her think I would cheat. I've loved her faithfully for the entire relationship. I just don't understand."

She heard a sharp intake of breath, "I hate to say this Sara," He paused to keep composure, "A lot of times when people lash out with that kind of accusation it's because they're feeling guilty."

"So she's cheating on me?" Sara wasn't really surprised, "Is that what you're saying?"

"Not necessarily cheating, but she's probably guilty about something."

"So I should end it?"

"Well," He took a few seconds to think about his answer, "Only if she isn't helping. If she's helping you be happy, you shouldn't end it."

Sara sat in silence for almost a full minute, "I don't think her presence is helping much anymore."

"Then maybe you need to a change," She knew he was right, "I'm not sure Montreal is good for you anymore."

She hung up without answering. Maybe Courtney was right. Maybe she needed to get out of Montreal. She'd have time to think of it later, but right now she needed to get ready for Tegan Quin's concert.

Sara felt Tegan stirring in bed.

"Hi angel. How long was I asleep?" Tegan smiled sleepily at Sara.

"Not very long bella." Sara responded with a smile.

"Is Courtney home yet?"

"Yeah," Sara rested her head back on Tegan's chest, "I heard him come in a few minutes ago. I think he might have gone straight to bed."

"What time is it?" Tegan stretched her arms trying to shake off the sleepiness.

"It's almost eight-thirty." Sara said after glancing at the clock on the bedside table.

"Should we get up and do something then?"

Sara sat up, "Maybe we could eat something."

"Oh?" Tegan raised an eyebrow.

"Wow…" Sara chuckled, "I meant like dinner."

"Oh." Tegan mocked disappointment and pouted her lip.

"Maybe afterwards." Sara winked and got out of bed, putting on her boxers and an oversized shirt.

Tegan followed suit, walking from the guest room to the kitchen.

"What do you want to eat?" Sara asked while opening the fridge.

"Anything," Tegan smiled, "I'm too hungry to be picky."

"I can make us some sandwiches." Sara said after looking through the fridge.

"That sounds great."

Sara grabbed the jam out of the fridge and looked through the cupboards for peanut butter.

"What are the plans for tomorrow?" Tegan asked as Sara started to make the sandwiches.

"Um," Sara stopped spreading the jam for a second, "I figured we'd go visit Shaun while Courtney's working."

"Anybody else you want to see while we're here?" Tegan didn't know if Sara had any other friends in the area.

"No." Sara spoke harshly, "I don't even know why I wanted to come here. I hate this place."

"You came for Jessie." Tegan comforted her by rubbing her back, "And Courtney seams happy about you being here."

"But I'm not happy about it." Tegan could see the familiar sadness in Sara's eyes, "I'm afraid to go out to any of my old favorite places because I don't want to see anyone I know. I want to go back to Vancouver. I like the friends I have there."

"We'll be back in Vancouver before you know it." Tegan was breaking on the inside watching Sara try and fight the overwhelming feelings of sadness and pain.

"But we don't have a flight back for four more days," Sara shook her head, "That's too far away. What do I do if I see someone from my past?"

She turned to Tegan and there were tears in her eyes, "You smile and say hi, and then find a reason not to talk to them."

"It's not that easy," Sara shook her head again, "Most people don't even know where I've been. I didn't even tell them I was leaving. They won't let me just walk away."

"Then I'll tell them you don't want to talk about it." Tegan pulled her in for a hug, "I promise you'll make it four days."

The next day they decided to go shopping for a few snacks. They didn't want to eat all of Courtney's food. Sara separated from Tegan to go grab a few things at the grocery store.

"Sara?" She froze, the voice wasn't too familiar, but she still associated it with pain.

She turned around and saw a woman about her age smiling at her, "Hi." She couldn't place the face.

"You don't remember me, do you?" The woman asked, a small sad smile on her face.

"I'm sorry." Sara was, she was hurting from seeing this woman, but she didn't know who it was.

"Amanda." There was sadness in her voice when she spoke again, "I'm the girl who your friend asked out."

Now she remembered. The flashback came to her; the girl from their English class that Jess could never take her eyes off of, "How've you been?" Sara tried to smile and sound happy.

"I've been okay." Amanda looked almost as sad as Sara felt, "It's just…well," She was struggling for words, "I just really liked her. You know? I cried for weeks after the…well, yeah. I can't imagine what it was like for you."

"It's been hell." Sara stated bluntly, feeling oddly comforted knowing that other people cared about Jess, "Up until recently I was really depressed. But I met someone, and well, it's been rocky, but I'm getting better."

"Yeah?" Amanda seemed cheered up by the news, "I wish I could find someone. I haven't had any long term relationships. I had been crushing on Jessie since my first day at college. The day she told me she liked me was the best day of my life." The corners of her lips crawled up in a smile as she got lost in the memory for a second, "But then the next day I heard the news. And that was the worst day of my life."

Sara didn't know why, but she immediately set the items she had collected back on the shelf and pulled Amanda into a hug, "I'm so sorry."

Amanda spoke through silent sobs, "I just wish I could meet someone good, you know? Someone who can help me out."

"You will." Sara didn't know what else to say, "If you're ever in Vancouver let me know. Okay?"

"Yeah?" Amanda smiled, "How do I contact you?"

"Oh." Sara giggled, "I should probably give you my number or something."

"Really Sara?" She heard Tegan's playful voice from behind her, "We're away from each other for five minutes and you're handing out your number to strangers."

She turned to face Tegan, "Tegan this is Amanda." Tegan smiled and shook Amanda's hand, "We went to college together."

"It's nice to meet you." Tegan flashed her a brilliant smile.

"Likewise." Amanda tried her best to return the smile.

"We should get going to Shaun's."

"Okay," Sara responded before turning back to Amanda, "Feel free to call me if you need someone to talk to."

"Thanks." Amanda smiled a genuine smile.

They walked out of the aisle, "Who is she?"

"Just someone who really like Jess." Sara smiled back in the direction that Amanda was.

"Oh?" Tegan raised an eyebrow, "Did you guys used to be close?"

Sara shook her head in response, "I only talked to her a few times."

"Well I'm glad you got to see someone and it didn't upset you." Tegan smiled.

"Yeah," Sara returned the smile, "She needs as much help as I do. I didn't realize anyone else was as affected as I was."

"Maybe she should move to Vancouver and meet a hot musician." Tegan winked at her, "It worked for you."

"Someone's a little cocky." Sara laughed and felt happier than she had since first seeing Courtney again.

"You were moaning my name all day yesterday. Of course I'm cocky today." Tegan playfully spanked Sara.

"There are people around." Sara blushed and tried to hide her smile.

"I see that smile," Tegan grinned, "You loved it."

"That's beside the point." She stopped fighting against the smile.

"I think it is the point." Tegan winked and pinched her bum.

"Stop it Tegan." Sara playfully swatted her hand away, "Or people will get jealous."

Tegan raised an eyebrow, "Of who? Me or you?"

"Both." Sara laughed and led Tegan to the front of the store to pay for the few items they had.

As they walked out the door Sara spotted Amanda just outside, "Hi again."

"Hi." Amanda smiled at them.

"Text me your number," Tegan mocked a jealous look and Sara rolled her eyes, "I'd love to talk again."

"Okay." Sara was glad that there was a good reason to be in Montreal. She hadn't realized that anyone from her past could be a comfort to her.

They got in Courtney's car. He had taken the bus to the hospital telling them that they would need his car to get around. Sara turned the key and took off toward Shaun's house.