Issues

Tegan and Sara hang out with Shaun. Sara has flashbacks.

They drove the short way to Shaun's house in only a few minutes. She stepped out of the car and looked up at the door and was immediately hit by a wave of Déjà vu.

"Sara?" Shaun looked surprised to see her, "What are you doing here?"

She didn't answer; she just pushed her way inside.

"We haven't spoken in weeks." Shaun tried to grab her arm so she would face him but she shrugged off his feeble attempt, "Talk to me, please?"

"I need help Shaun." She spoke shakily, "I think I got a bad mix."

"Mix of what Sara?" He was immediately concerned, "Alcohol? Drugs?"

"I took a couple oxy and then had a few mixed drinks," She looked up at him but she couldn't focus, "I feel funny Shaun."

"I'm calling the hospital." He quickly grabbed his phone and dialed.

"Hello?" A woman's voice answered.

"I'd like to speak to Courtney." He knew Courtney would help and wouldn't get Sara in trouble.

"Hold for a moment, dear." He heard the lady set down the phone and call for Courtney, who was apparently nearby.

"Hi Shaun." Courtney greeted obvious concern in his voice.

"Can you come over and help Sara?" Shaun's voice was anxious and scared.

"I'm on my way."

It didn't take long for Courtney to get there.

"What's wrong with her?" He asked immediately after walking through the door.

"Oxycontin and alcohol." Shaun answered, nervous and afraid.

"Right…" Courtney looked at Sara who was all but passed out on the couch, "Do you know how much oxycontin she took?"

"She said a couple."

"Well," Courtney looked relieved, "She'll be fine. She's just reacting to the pills. Dizziness, fatigue, and anxiety can occur from it. So I don't think she's really in a dangerous situation. But she really needs to stop doing this, or she'll end up dead, or at least damaged mentally."

"Thank God she'll be alright." Relief washed over Shaun as he looked over at his sister's closest friend. He knew Jessie would be devastated to see her like this. It pained him to see how much her death had affected Sara.

After hearing that she was going to be alright a wave of fatigue hit Sara and she fell asleep.

"Are you okay Sara?" She nodded her response, "Because you looked kind of…scared."

"It's just," Sara tried to steady her breathing and regain her composure, "I just remembered something that happened a few years ago. I had blocked it out from my memory, but it just sort of hit me."

Tegan walked up to her and hugged her, "Whatever it was," She rubbed Sara's back lightly, "It's in the past."

Sara nodded as Tegan disconnected from the hug. She smiled to show that she was fine. Tegan walked in front of her and knocked on Shaun's door. Sara lagged behind, dragging her feat, fighting off other memories of terrible drunken and high nights. They all ended with her feeling miserable. But now that one memory had entered the forefront of her mind the others piggybacked on it and forced their way through.

Sara walked alone down the street late at night. Everything in front of her was hazy. She didn't know what all she had taken, she just knew that it wasn't helping like she had expected. It had actually heightened the memory, adding more fear to the moment of the phone call. She let out a pained scream and noticed a man sitting at a bus stop.

"Ma'am?" The man asked as she got a little closer to him, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She stated aggressively.

"Are you sure?" He seemed a little concerned, but Sara was sure that it was more concern for how she would act more than if she'd be fine.

"I'm sure." She was annoyed at him. Why would a stranger talk to her? Why would he be concerned at all? She didn't matter to him. She didn't matter to anyone anymore. Her parents hated her, her best friend died, and every time she saw Shaun she wanted to run off and cry somewhere. The only person in the world who cared how she was was Courtney. And even he couldn't really care that much. She was snapped out of her thoughts when the man spoke again.

"You look cold," She hadn't even noticed until he said it, "I have an extra hoodie in my backpack."

"Thanks." Sara smiled at him, "But I'm fine."

"Okay." The man set his back pack down, "Have a good evening then."

"Thanks." Sara waved and walked away. Only a couple minutes later she slipped on the sidewalk and bumped her head.

When she awoke next she was freezing. She didn't think it had been long, but she was lying on the sidewalk. She looked up at the dark blue sky, watched the few stars that were already out, and slowly got herself up to a sitting position. She groaned and rubbed at her neck. It was getting colder out, or at least that's what she thought, so she got back up and tried to continue her walk home. Exhaustion took over before long and she settled down for the night on a park bench.

"Hey Sara," Shuan smiled as he opened the door, "Come on in."

She smiled feebly back at him before dragging her feet across the threshold. She could tell that Tegan and Shaun were talking, but she couldn't focus on anything they said. The new memories that were coming back to her were keeping her occupied. It brought a different kind of pain, one that she wasn't familiar with. A pain she had blocked out. But now she could remember multiple times waking up in places without an explanation of how she got there. And of parties where she took any and every drug she could get her hands on.

"Isn't that right Sara?" Tegan smiled at her, trying to entice her into joining the conversation.

"What?" Sara blinked repeatedly, pulling herself out of her hazy state of mind.

"I was just telling Shaun about how much of a natural you were during recording." Tegan's warm, comforting smile eased the tension that Sara had been feeling just moments earlier.

"Yeah," Sara half smiled, "But you were so much better. You understood the musical jargon a lot better than I did. It was like a foreign language." She laughed at her own comment, bringing warmth to her heart.

"Well," Tegan smiled and blushed slightly, "That's just because I've been playing guitar nonstop since high school."

"I can't wait to hear the album." Shaun smiled at Sara.

"If you want we can set aside a copy for you." She returned the smile, "And Chris' company will send it out here."

"Really?"

"Sure." Sara shrugged, "He said we could give a few copies to friends."

Sara spent the rest of the conversation just listening to her oldest friend and her girlfriend talking. They were getting along better than Sara had expected. But that was mostly because she thought that no one from her past would like anyone from her present.

They spent a few hours at Shaun's. He showed Tegan some pictures from high schools and college. Pictures of the three of them hanging out and goofing off; just having fun. After saying goodbye to Shaun they got in the car.

"Can we stop and visit Jessie real quick." Sara spoke up after a couple of minutes of silence.

"Sure." Tegan nodded in understanding, and drove to the cemetery.

Sara got out of the car and walked up to her best friend's stone.

"Hi Jess." She smiled through the waves and layers of pain, "I'm sorry." She gulped for air. Pain and guilt started to attack her and she tried her hardest to push back, "I can't stay here any longer. It won't be long before I start to remember things from my darkest times." Tears stung her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, "I don't think I could survive that. So I'm saying goodbye. I'll try and visit you again sometime." She smiled, trying to re assure herself that she'd visit her friend again, "But for now," She looked up from and focused her gaze on the heavens, "I need to leave. I'll see you again someday." She blew a kiss into the sky and walked back to Tegan, who was waiting in the car. Tears still poured out, but Sara couldn't fight against that.

"Where to?" Tegan asked, not wanting to impede on Sara's private moment.

"Home." Sara answered after choking back her sobs.

"Courtney's?" Tegan reversed the car out of their parking spot.

Sara shook her head, "I want to leave Montreal."

"Right now?" Tegan was utterly confused. Sara had planned to stay for a week.

"Let's get our stuff and say goodbye to Courtney." Sara answered, not giving any room for a second opinion.

"If that's what you want." Tegan's answer was exactly what she needed. Tegan knew the pain that this must have been causing, and she couldn't force Sara to face it.

"It is."

They drove back to Courtney's in silence, and packed their suitcases. They didn't speak; they just packed up and loaded it into a cab they had called for. They told the driver to take them to the hospital.

They told the driver to wait for them and walked inside.

"Sara?" Courtney hadn't expected her to visit him at work.

"We're leaving." She stated bluntly, "I can't deal with being back in Montreal."

There was a noticeable sadness in his eyes when he spoke again, "Understandable. I'm glad you visited. It was really good to see you again."

"It was good to see you too Courtney." He wrapped Sara into a big, comforting hug.

"It was nice meeting you Tegan." He smiled warmly at her.

"It was nice meeting you too." She smiled in return and Sara and her left the hospital.

They got to the airport and luckily found a flight with only an hour wait. Sara spent the whole flight curled up, escaping inside herself. She didn't want to think about her past anymore. She just wanted to be back in Vancouver.

Sara felt a light shaking on her shoulder and she opened her eyes.

"They're starting the landing process." Tegan spoke softly to her, rubbing her arm as she did.

"Okay." Sara mumbled a response and sat up straight.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked around. It wasn't very dark out, and that was a small comfort. She felt the plane descending and she could see the city in the distance.

"You should call Ted as soon as we land." Sara mumbled out, still in a hazy state of consciousness.

"Shit!" Tegan's eyes widened in panic, "I didn't tell him we were coming home."

"What?" Sara's eyes bulged, "We don't have a ride?"

"We can just get a cab." Tegan assured her as she gently rubbed Sara's bicep.

Sara let out a sigh of relief; getting stranded at the airport was not something she wanted.

They had a smooth landing and were able to get off the plane quickly. Tegan called a cab and they sat on the curb in wait.

"I'm sorry that Montreal didn't go well." Tegan spoke up after several minutes of silence.

"It's okay," Sara smiled sadly, "I wasn't as ready as I thought."

Sara rested her head on Tegan's shoulder as they waited.

"You should call that Amanda girl," Tegan broke the silence again, "Tell her to come hang out here. It would be good for her."

Sara mumbled in agreement. A taxi pulled up a couple minutes later and they loaded their suitcases in the back and Tegan gave the man Sara's address. Sara fell asleep in the back of the cab and Tegan woke her up as they pulled up to her apartment building.

"We're home." Tegan smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back. She liked that Tegan called it home. Even if she just meant that they were in Vancouver, Sara interpreted it as her apartment. It was their home.

"Yeah." She looked at the familiar building, "I really missed it."

"I can't wait till we get our first big cut from record sales." Tegan smiled dreamily, "We could afford a nice apartment."

"We?" Sara teased.

"We've been living together for over a month now." Tegan pointed out, "I just sort of figured we'd get a place together when we got some money."

"Of course." Sara laughed, "I would just appreciate being asked next time." She winked at Tegan and opened the door to her building.

"Next time I'll remember that." Tegan smiled and followed her inside.

They got in the elevator and rode it to the third floor. Sara led the way to her apartment and unlocked it, holding the door open for Tegan.

"Such a gentleman." Tegan playfully popped Sara's collar up as she walked past.

"Only for the pretty ones."

Tegan smiled and set her suitcase next to the bed, "I'm so tired." She yawned and stretched.

"Let's get some sleep then." Sara stifled her own yawn, "And let's go see Emy and Lindsey tomorrow."

"Sounds good."

They got ready for bed and then cuddled under the sheets. Just sleeping in her own bed helped to take away the haziness from Sara's brain; the clouds parted and her dreams were again filled with her and Tegan.