Hey, folks. I cooked up a crazy idea of parodying one of my favorite shows being South Park but have it with the characters of Super Smash Bros and all things Nintendo. This first chapter will parody one of my favorite episodes of South Park being Proper Condom Use. So if you are under 16 or too sensitive, then turn back now.
Super Smash Bros. belongs to Nintendo and South Park belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone plus Viacom. Let's get it.
========The It=======
Outside in the yard, Ness and Yoshi held a Venus doll with matches. Ness in particular lit the match with a bit of PK Fire with a grin while Yoshi shared a mutual grin. They were pretending that Venus disobeyed an Order not to do any more music or movie shoots.
"So we meet again, Miss Venus!", Ness said Impersonating an intimidating hoodlum with the lit match pointed at the doll.
"Oh, no! Please! I won't make any more albums or movies!", Yoshi said impersonating Venus. Ness had an evil smirk on his babyface before getting back Into character.
"That's what you said the last time, babe! Now we're gonna have to resort to drastic measures!"
"AAAH! It burns! It BURNS!"
"Scream for me, bitch!", The boys said before Ness struck the match on the doll causing It to burn and melt with Yoshi fake screaming. Once the doll was burnt to a crisp, the green dino turned to the baseball wiz with concern for the doll.
"Dude, that was your last Venus figure."
"Nah, I got plenty at the house. Limited edition figures in my room to be specific. That one on the ground's a dime-a-dozenn bum. We can get more like that one.", Ness smirked before they heard Sonic yelling out something.
"Hey, guys! Check this Out! Check this out!", the hedgehog said excitedly with Ness and Yoshi facepalming. The baseball wiz deadpanned at one of his bros.
"Oh, no. What the hell now?", Ness asked.
"Yeah, dude. It better not be anything dumb.", Yoshi added crossing his arms. Sonic shook his head and pointed in the direction for them to go.
"C'mon, guys. It's really cool. You gotta see this. Let's go!", the blue blur persuaded with the two boys shrugging before following him to see Toon Link snickering happy to see Yoshi and Ness. Popo, Kirby, Diddy Kong, Gunther (Villager), Lucas and Reef (Inkling Boy) watch as Ducky (Duck Hunt Dog) was laying On his back panting happily. Yoshi went up to Toon Link wondering what was up.
"What's this all about, Toon?", Ness wondered.
"Yeah, Sonic wanted to show us something cool.", Yoshi added with Toon pointing at Sonic standing over Ducky.
"Sonic's about to show us a cool trick with a dog!", the Hylian explained as Reef smirked rolling his eyes at Sonic.
"Hurry up, blue buttwagon. I don't have all day.", the Inkling said tapping his foot. Sonic scoffed at his squid friend.
"Don't rush me, bunghole! Come here, Ducky.", Sonic called the brown beagle as he laid on his back in front of Sonic. The female duck accompanying the dog looked on with disgust knowing what those kids were up to.
"Red Rocket! Red Rocket! Come on, boy! Red Rocket!", Sonic encouraged as Ducky had an aroused look on his muzzle. The boys were snickering and laughing with the duck glaring at them for doing something like that to the dog. Even Lucas, Ness, Yoshi and Kirby were confused at Sonic's suss actions.
"What the hell are you doing?", Ness frowned with Lucas twiddling his fingers nervously and Kirby feeling confused. Sonic smirked still "working" on Ducky.
"I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.", Sonic explained shocking the boys in disbelief. The duck quacked shaking her head telling them that it wasn't.
"No, they don't!", Yoshi yelled not believing the hedgehog's claim.
"Yes, they do.", Toon Link defended.
"Yeah, they really do make milk.", Diddy Kong added in.
"Yeah, Pit and Bowser Jr. showed us how it's done. Come on, boy!Red Rocket! Red Rocket! C'mon, step it up! Yeah!", Sonic smiled at his handiwork as the milk squirted out of Ducky amazing the kids. Ness and Yoshi believed the hedgehog with curiosity.
"Dude, that was awesome! I never knew they could do that!", Ness exclaimed.
"Yeah, we oughta have a turn.", Yoshi intrigued wanted a shot at milking Ducky. Toon Link shook his head while Sonic gave them disappointing news.
"Sorry, guys. It doesn't work like cows. Dog milk only refills every few hours. You can't just beat off the dog and It comes out right away.", the hedgehog crossed his arms scoffing with Ness and Yoshi looked in confusion with the duck feeling bad for them for they don't know any better.
"Beating off the dog?", Ness and Yoshi asked in unison.
"That's right, dudes. When you milk a dog, It's called beating it off. Don't you guys know anything?", the Hedgehog laughed causing Popo to facepalm with Gunther raising an eyebrow.
"Dude, what's wrong?", Gunther asked.
"I don't have a dog that makes milk. Where the hell are we going to find one?", the male Ice Climber groaned. The island rep deadpanned at his bud's so-called despair.
"You do realize the Smash Mansion has a Pokemon Wing, right? Arcanines, Mabosstiffs, Snubbulls and other Dog Pokemon are there, yeah?", the island rep reminded with Popo sheepishly grinning rubbing his head.
"Shit, dude. I forgot about that.", he remarked laughing.
"What are we waiting for? Let's go!", Diddy chimed.
"Sorry, guys. I gotta head home. Mom and Dad want me at dinner with company. Yoshi's coming to my house today.", Ness explained. Sonic laughed pointing his gloved finger at the PSI wiz.
"You're a mama's boy, Ness. Just like blondie over there.", the slightly chubby hedgehog smirked putting Lucas on the spot. The blond PSI wiz blushed in embarrassment with Gunther rolling his eyes.
"Last time I checked, you're a mama's boy too.", the island rep huffed with Sonic pouting.
"Am not!", Sonic whined.
"You are, too. Just admit it.", Reef smirked but Ness cuts the argument short.
"Dude, you guys really learned all this from Pit and Bowser Jr.?", Ness asked with Sonic nodding.
"Yeah, they, Pitoo and Red (Pokemon Trainer). Oh and the Koopalings thought we were cool. So they showed us. Smell ya later, mama's boys. Come On, Ducky. Get back here.", Sonic and the other boys ran off to who knows where. Yoshi mumbled under his breath with only Ness hearing.
"Sonic, you're an asshole.",, the green dino mumbled.
"Dude, let's just ignore him. We better head home. Steak's calling my name.", Ness beamed causing Yoshi to chuckle at his best friend.
"Dude, I feel ya. Your mom knows how to prep steak. And who's coming Over besides us?", Yoshi asked.
"Some book club my Parents are in. I don't get into what goes On though.", the baseball wiz noted.
"Yeah, my parents are like that. Oh and they're coming too.", the dino reminded causing Ness to chuckle.
"Oh, I forgot. And they're talking about the dreadful story.", Ness groaned.
"What Is it? Oh yeah. The Notebook. I hate that book and the film too.", Yoshi gagged with Ness nodding.
"Yep, it sucks dog balls. Even Tracy likes that shit.", Ness frowned stomping his foot creating a dust cloud. Yoshi stopped his friend's griping for a second.
"Dude, speaking of dog balls. What if we like, milk King? I'm sure he's filled with milk. I bet we can make yogurt out Of it.", Yoshi said slurping at the thought of dog milk yogurt. Ness stuck His tongue out in disgust.
"Just don't let it be trout flavored. Seriously, who the fuck came up with the idea of that? It tastes like catshit!", Ness ranted remembering delivering the maid her yogurt during his fight against Giygas. Yoshi tilted his head in confusion at Ness's response.
"Dude, how you know what cat—"
"Nix that! Let's just go and milk King.", he groaned as the duo headed off to Ness's house.
=====At Ness's House===
Ness and Yoshi were finished with dinner as they were in the living room with their parents and other members of the Book Club. Members composed of Ninten and Ana in which Ness and his sister Tracy respectively resemble. Yoshi's guardians are Mario and Peach. The others are Ganondorf and Rosalina with the former's nephew and Rosalina's daughter Lumalee who's a little younger than Ness and Yoshi. They were all discussing about The Notebook but Ninten, Ganondorf and Mario didn't enjoy it one bit. Ness looked at the men with empathy and sympathy.
"I'm not sure why the Alex Cross or the other books aren't on the table. Man, damn.", Ganondorf growled with Mario and Ninten cosigning.
"I-a feel you, man. Peach tortured me with that movie and book so many-a times. Thank-a goodness the mancave is in-a the castle. I nearly lost the spaghetti I ate.", the plumber groaned. Ninten and Ganondorf shuddered at Mario losing his Lunch.
"That's our wives for you. Honestly, I didn't even read the damn thing. I watched the F-Zero Grand Prix races. The one at Fire Field was bitchin'.", Ninten smirked. Mario and Ganondorf chuckled as they chopped it up about the F-Zero races. Ana sighed at them before turning to the other girls.
"Ignore them. Anyway, the perspectives of the two lovers are unique in a way we look at theirs and Our relationships.", she noted.
"Yep, through a girl's point of view. The book and movie made some sense. It's like you're relating to how she felt during and after the reason she chose somebody else.", Peach answered as Rosalina nodded. The women chatted with passion relating to the dreaded book. Ness and Yoshi looked at Gunther who's the nephew of Ganondorf.
"I couldn't make It to the Pokemon Wing. It sucks balls.", the island rep grumbled with Yoshi and Ness agreeing.
"Dude, you're lucky you don't have to hear about romantic bits every few seconds like Tracy is doing right now.", Ness noted pointing to his sister engaged at the ladies' convo. Lumalee played with her dolls.
"Wanna bet? Auntie Rosa and Uncle Ganny always doing something in the bedroom next to mine. I don't understand it. I hear Barry White music and moaning. It's like, what the actual fuck are they doing in there?", Gunther groaned exasperatedly. Yoshi took a guess of what went down.
"Maybe they were training for a match. I mean, they are Smashers like us after all.", the green dino said with Gunther rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, but does it include Barry White's songs or hell, The Isley Brothers? Seriously, I don't understand this. Let's just do this already. Our folks might be impressed of wat's cool of King.", the island rep said with Ness agreeing.
"You're right. I'll call for him. Hey, King. Here, boy. Come here.", the baseball wiz said with a white fluffy dog coming to his master. The dog was confused at his Other friends here.
"Ness, what's up?", King woofed with Ness explaining.
"I need you to lay On your back for a moment. Sonic taught us a trick from Bowser Jr. and his pals.", Ness said with King doing as he was told.
"So what trick is this, anyway? You always tell me to roll Over everytime.", the dog whined still confused. Ness smirked holding out a box of Canine Crunchies treats.
"Would you do it for a treat?" It has chicken.", the boy enticed causing King's eyes to widen.
"Chichen?"
"And beefy.", Ness added in after King's reaction.
"Beefy? Well, I'll do it.", King agreed as Ness went up to Ana with an eager plea.
"Mom, you gotta see what King can do. It's gonna be cool!", Ness begged with Ana shaking her head with a smile.
"No can do, Ness. Today's Book Club meeting, remember?", she reminded him.
"But this is going to be awesome. Please?", Ness begged only for Ana to shake her head.
"Be patient, Ness. I'll see what King can do after this meeting. You boys run along now.", she smiled as Ness sighed. He went back to Yoshi and Gunther disappointingly.
"Mom's not gonna watch this and Dad is talking about the F-Zero races."
"Did Bio Rex win on Fire Field? I missed it thanks to me falling asleep.", Yoshi asked with Gunther nodding.
"Yeah. Now let's get this Over with. Ness, you start first.", Gunthr suggested as the baseball wiz readies his hands with the other boys following suit. King's eyes bugged out spotting where their hands are at and did exactly what Sonic did to Ducky. King's tongue hung out his mouth In arousal hearing the boys chanting "Red Rocket! Red Rocket!". Tracy hearing the boys and King's racket had a frown On her face as Lumalee felt confused.
"Tracy, what's Red Rocket?", the little star girl asked the blonde who eyed them suspiciously.
"I don't know, Lumalee. Something's up and I need to see what's going on.", the blonde stated.
"Come on, boy! Red Rocket! Red Rocket!", Ness yelled hoping the milk can come out. Yoshi and Gunther were confused on why it's not coming out.
"Dude, why the hell is it refusing to come out? Fuck!", Gunther hissed in frustration. Yoshi looked at the island Gerudo to calm him down.
"Relax, dude. It might take time for King to produce some milk. Just keep going.", the green dino grunted as King whined in arousal and pleasure as Ness's eyes narrowed still yelling Red Rocket. Tracy annoyed at the boys' antics and hearing the dog whining got a closer look and gasped in shock and disgust. She saw the dog make a sharp howl as the milk shot up in the air with the boys cheering.
"Ness, what the hell?!", Tracy yelled to where Ana frowned at her daughter's language. Peach and Rosalina were glaring at the blonde girl for yelling.
"Tracy, language! I'm surprised at you. You watch your mouth, young Lady!", Ana stated firmly but Tracy Pointed at Ness still milking King.
"But, Mom! Ness and d those idiots over there are-are-are doing something to King! Look! It's disgusting! Please!", Tracy yelled as Ana raised an eyebrow. Soon, the adults yelled after Mario saw something he couldn't unsee.
"Mamma Mia! What in the hell are-a you guys doing?! Yoshi, you are-a gonna be-a Punished!"
"NESS!"
Mario and Ana yelled catching the boys in the act as Rosalina covered Lumalee's eyes to protect her Innocence. Ninten had a glare towards his son while Ganondorf was not pleased at his nephew while Mario's anger towards Yoshi was obvious. Ana screamed at the top of her lungs at Ness and the boys.
"Oh, shit.", the boys chorused.
"Ness, what in blazes are you doing to King?!"
"We're beating off the dog. Red Rocket! Red Rocket!", Ness explained on behalf of his friends as Rosalina had Tracy take Lumalee upstairs for a moment taking King with them. The adults now focused their attention on the three kids looking pissed. They each grounded their respective troublemakers with Gunther not able to visit Isabelle's house for the weekend and for the month of no TV, Yoshi's was the same except for Isabelle's house of course and Ness was worse for he couldn't play video games or TV for three months. The boys were afraid and confused not saying a word. Ninten spoke first to Ness and company wanting to get to the bottom of this.
"Do you boys know why you're all grounded?"
"No. We don't understand", Ness said confused.
"I don't know what's the deal.", Yoshi whined.
"That's just great! I'm suppose to hang with Issy this weekend! AUG!", Gunther groaned.
"You all should've thought of that before doing something you know is not right. You must suffer the consequences.", Ganondorf noted.
"Beating off the dog is inappropriate when company's around.", Ninten sternly said with Mario agreeing.
"That'sa right. Not in front-a company. OWWW!", Ninten and Mario were slapped upside the head by their wives while being glared at by all the women and Ganondorf.
"Mario, you idiot! Don't make it worse!", Peach hissed while Ganondorf and Rosalina sighed at the plumber and PSI wiz's mistakes.
"I mean ever. Beating off the dog is very inappropriate regardless. Do you have any idea what you boys had done? You nearly scarred Lumalee and Tracy!", Ninten said firmly but Ness confessed looking his dad in the eye.
"We were just doing Red Rocket to make King's milk come out.", the PSI wiz explained.
"It's true. We were told by the older kids that dogs make milk like cows. We thought it was stupid but turned out it was real.", Ness said truthfully. The adults' mood softened a little but had to still get to the bottom Of this with more answers.
"So much for dog milk yogurt."
"Yoshi, shut the fuck up!", Ness and Gunther elbowed the green dino in the ribs glaring daggers at him. Ninten sighed and continued as he tried to explain something to the kids hoping that they understand the truth.
"What you did to King was sexual.", the Older PSI wiz stated.
"Huh? What's sexual? I thought it was gender.", Ness answered confused still. In fact, the kids were genuinely clueless. Ana sighed and tried to help with the situation.
"You were stimulating the dog, kids. And what came out of him was not milk. It's—It's—Ninten, honey. Help.", Ana begged feeling uncomfortable with the other adults feeling the same. Though Ganondorf wasn't the sappy type, he genuinely didn't know how to share it with his nephew about the birds and the bees. The parents slowly but surely knew that they forgot their kids don't know any better. Ninten was nerbous for he didn't give Ness the talk yet. Come to think Of it, how in the hell did he not do that for Ness while the War Against Giygas was still going on at the time? What the fuck?
"When you do that to a male, you make his -er, stuff come out. Geez, haven't your school taught you boys these things?", Ninten asked flabbergasted.
"What things?"
"Yeah, We don't follow.", Ness and Yoshi said respectively with Peach filling in.
"Sexual education. Haven't you and the other kids learned that yet?", the princess wondered.
"No.", the three boys answered with Mario yelling in outrage.
"This is an outrage! How can the school fail our bambinos and-a bambinas? So helpless! Our kids don't know any better! It doesn't make sense to punish them like this!", Mario exclaimed pumping his fist in the air.
"Much of an idiot Mario is, he's right! We shouldn't ground Our kids making them pay for the school's mistakes! Time to pick bones with them!", Ganondorf growled oozing out visible dark flames. Gunther gulped trying to calm his uncle.
"Unc? Uncle Ganny, chill. Your flames are showing.", Gunther pleaded as Rosalina urged her husband to stop. Ganondorf sheepishly rubbed his head with an apologetic look to his nephew.
"Sorry, nephew. You're right. I gotta calm down.", the burly Gerudo admitted. Ninten rallied the adults making an important statement.
"I agree. The school should teach our kids these things! Who's with me?! Ness, you're not grounded.", Ninten announced.
"Yeah, let'sa go! Let'sa get that damn school on the phone!", Mario suggested as the adults agreed and the kids not being grounded. Everyone except for Ness and his family left for home to get ready for the next day.
======School PTA Meeting=====
Aside from Mario, Peach, Rosalina, Ganondorf, Ninten and Ana Obviously there at the Smash Park School, many others including Captain Falcon, Samus, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Wily, a Pianta teacher, a Noki teacher, Snake and many others. One subject that concerned the whole Smash Park community was related to what happened yesterday at Ness's house. Everyone all at once talked without the other being heard. However, a Mii character being a principal dubbed Mr. Whatzit tried to calm everyone down.
"Look, parents and guardians. I know you all want to be heard but we all need to let everyone one at a time express their opinions.", the principal suggested as Aleena Hedgehog spoke her concern.
"Kids learn sex from the streets and sometimes television. Why hasn't the school teach sex ed yet? My Sonickins should not get exposed to this Junk.", the hedgehog said with a female Koopa teacher answering her concern
"Ma'am, you understand that sex ed is not available yet.",the Koopa said only for a Pianta woman to interject.
"But we need to have it at the school right now. The students need to learn this before it's too late."
"Yeah. Just yesterday, we found Toon beating off our horse, Epona. Though she's a girl. Owwww!", Link yelled after Zelda stomped his leg for yelling that out. The folks agreed with Link for many students tried to do that with the dogs. Solid Snake stood up and reasoned with everybody with a logical explanation.
"Look, people. Children are going to be naïve and curious. That's part of being a kid. Let them be kids while they still can.", the mercenary suggested but Captain Falcon added in his two cents.
"Snake, I agree but I'll be damned if I let Popo or another kid get the It!", Falcon said causing people to murmur as another Mii being a female middle aged woman stepped up as the teacher pointing to Falcon.
"It's true. People get the It when they have sex. To make matters worse, kids younger and younger get the It more times over. And the only way to fight this is to educate our students before they have sex.", the Mii being Ms. Onatop noted bluntly causing Samus to twitch her eyebrows in anger.
"Are you serious?! You people are crazy! Why the hell we need sex ed anyway? It's stupid!", the blond bounty hunter yelled pointing at Onatop. Snake then voiced his concern.
"Teaching kids about sex should not involve scare tactics on the topic of the It! What the hell are you guys thinking?", Snake growled not liking how this is going.
"Onatop is right, Snake. Yoshi needs to learn about the birds and the bees. From the school.", Peach softly said with Mario agreeing.
"That'sa right. It must-a be done before another bambino or a bambina beats off- OOF!", Mario yelped after Peach pulled his ear not wanting to hear about dogs beaten off. Luigi and daisy sighed at the red clad plumber's misfortunes and just shrugged. The principal had enough of the commotion and issued out a verdict.
"That's settled. Starting next week, sex ed is mandatory after school. Those who skip out inexcusable without a note will be reprimanded. It starts on Wednesday. Meeting adjourned.", the principal ended the meeting with Snake mumbling to himself with Falcon and Samus hearing him.
"I got a bad feeling about this.", the soldier said feeling uneasy. Falcon places a hand On Snake's shoulder trying to assure him.
"Listen, Snake. Deep down it's crazy. But sometimes we gotta be thankful that the school is at least putting our worries at ease.", the racer assured with Snake scoffing.
"Will it scare them to the point they won't beat off the dogs?", the mercenary snarked. Falcon and Samus shuddered shaking their heads.
"I don't know. Popo didn't do that. He ran into my magazine rack and looked at a picture of Mai Shiranui. My son grew aroused without knowing why and Samus and I caught him in the act. Granted, we didn't punish him or Nana after she did the same but with a picture of Kyo Kusanagi.", the racer chuckled sheepishly. Samus then chimed in talking to Snake hoping that he got the message.
"The point is that at least the school is doing something about this issue. Douglas and I may be tough and fearless bounty hunters but we're genuinely feel uncomfortable talking to Popo and Nana about the birds and the bees. How ironic since I'm part bird.", Samus said as the three adults just left out the building as the very last Ones. Snake though listened to Falcon on and Samus's points of view, he still has concern for what will transpire come Wednesday.
=======Wednesday: Afterschool======
And so the big day came for the kids to learn about the talk that happened after school on Wednesdays and Friday's except for special days like games and school related activities. Sonic yawned waiting for the teacher to show up. Yoshi, Ness, Toon Link and Gunther were annoyed at the hedgehog's constant yawning and groaning as Tails also rolled his eyes at the speedy hog's complaining. In fact, the classroom was filled with boys exclusively to learn about the male side of sex.
"What the hell is that damn teacher doing taking so long? I thought he was suppose to come down. Why isn't he here yet?", Sonic griped as Tails tried to reason with the blue blur.
"Just be patient, Sonic. We are all waiting to get this class over with.", the fox said causing Sonic to scoff.
"Easy for you to say, Tails. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to have class afterschool?! This is bullcrap!", the slightly chubby hedgehog yelled with Yoshi groaned exasperatedly.
"Quit your bitchin', fatass! You always complain about everything that doesn't have to do with chili dogs or pranking me!", the green dino hissed.
"Screw you, reptile!"
"Up yours, assface!"
"Fuck you!"
"No, fuck you!", Sonic and Yoshi argued causing Ness, Gunther, Toon Link and Tails just sighed at their fleet footed friends.
"Remind me again why Sonic and Yoshi always argue like this?", Toon Link wondered.
"Sonic just Likes to instigate him and gets a rush out of it.", Ness quipped.
"That's Sonic for you. Patience is never his strong suit. But this sex thing. What is it?", Tails wondered with Ness, Gunther and Toon confused.
"Beats us. Then again, our folks got riled up after playing Red Rocket with King.", Ness noted.
"Yeah, I don't see what the big deal was. We were just making dog milk.", Gunther added. Tails's face was In disbelief shaking it off.
"Dude, dog milk? So that's what Sonic was doing to the dogs in the Pokemon Wing.I was busy until I heard Nurse Joy kick him and the others out of there.", Tails explained. Toon sheepishly grinned causing Gunther and Ness to raise their eyebrows.
"Toon, what are you grinning about?", Ness wondered as Toon confessed.
"I didn't go to the Pokemon Wing but I did beat off Link's horse, Epona. She didn't have what the dogs have but I tried to do what Sonic told us. I didn't really see the red rocket but before I continued, Link and Zelda were mad at me.", the Hylian confessed as the boys felt sympathy for the blond.
At another group, Pit, Dark Pit, Red, Bowser Jr. and Lucas were chilling watching Sonic and Yoshi argue and throwing insults. Pit turned to the boys with an eager look.
"Hey, guys. Are we gonna learn how to spank our monkeys? Because we already know how to do it.", the angel asked being dopey laughing. Pitoo groaned eyeing his twin with a scoff.
"What the hell are you talking about, Pit Stain? Of course we'll learn it, dumbass.", Pitoo hissed.
"I spank mine when ogling Nurse Joy. She's got amazing racks.", Red smirked as he and Pit made a boing sound effect. Bowser Jr. sighed rolling his eyes and pointed at Toon and his friends.
"Will you two chodes shut up? Let's watch those noobs over there get confused. They don't have a clue about sex anyway. Dog milk? They fell for it, boys.", Bowser Jr. laughed with the boys except for Lucas snickering.
"D-Do you think It's such a good idea? I mean, we should at least tell them the truth.", the blond PSI wiz reasoned only for Bowser Jr. to bonk him on the head. The turtle dragon scoffed chastising Lucas.
"No, bunghole. You're such a buzzkill. What's the fun in that?", Junior snorted.
"That was cool we fooled those rubes! Yeah-yeah! Owww! What was that for, dude?", Pit whined after Dark Pit and Bowser Jr. smacked him upside the head.
"Not so loud, dumbass!", Bowser Jr. hissed. Meta Knight sighed at those clowns before looking at Kirby. The pink Puffball in question was just thinking nothing more than food and sleeping.
"Puyoo?", Kirby asked only for Meta to shake his head.
"Pay them no attention.", Meta said before reading a book. Before they all knew, the teacher showed up cutting off Sonic and Yoshi's argument. The blue blur's mood still in anger and disbelief eyed the person teaching them sex ed.
"Oh, fuck me! Eggbelly? You're going to teach us this shit?!", Sonic yelled at none other than Dr. Robotnik who glared at the preteen hog. Gunther was confused about this while Tails was stunned at the mad doctor being a sex ed teacher.
"Why of course, you hedgebrat! You and the other glue sniffing punks will learn about the birds and the bees! And—"
"To spank our monkey!"
"Huh? What the fuck?!", Pit blurted out causing Diddy Kong to feel confused and looked at the dopey angel like he's got two heads. Dark Pit bopped his twin in the head to shut up. Robotnik cleared his throat silencing the group before beginning the class.
"Now that I've gotten your undivided attention, we're going to learn a very important matter. So we're going to be mature and grown up about this. That means you, Pit and Hedgebrat!", the doctor said glaring at Pit and Sonic who frowned being put on the spot. Yoshi snickered along with the other boys.
"Hey, you buttmunch! The hell you like put me out On the spot for? I could kick your ass!", Pit yelled.
"Yeah, you balding assface! Kiss my spiky— Owww!", Sonic yelled but was bonked by Yoshi and Toon Link.
"Sonic, shut the hell up!", Yoshi hissed. Sonic grumbled giving the green dino the finger.
"Fuck you, reptile.", Sonic said insulting Yoshi. Robotnik groaned and began the lesson before any interruptions can begin.
"We're going to start with the male anatomy, gentlemen. As you can see, this is the pingas-"
"It's a schlong!
" A huge wang!"
"We spank our monkey!", Pit, Red both blurted out causing a snicker from most of the guys. Sonic laughed the Loudest causing Tails to glare.
"You said pingas! PINGAS!", Sonic said but Robotnik stopped the laughing.
"Will you punks shut up?! And stop that laughing! Anyway, this is the pingas, and the skin holding the next part over is the scrotum and the two round ones are the testes. Yes, Red?", Robotnik asked as the Pokemon Trainer asked a stupid question.
"Don'tcha mean balls or nuts?", Red said with Pit chiming in.
"Yeah, dude. That's where dog milk comes—Owww!", Pit and Red said but was punched hard by Bowser Jr. The turtle dragon hissed at the morons.
"Wil you two shut the hell up?!"
"Pit Stain, I'm going to kick the ever living bajesus out of you if you talk about spanking your monkey. And you Red, for balls.", Dark Pit snarled. Sonic snickered along with Diddy Kong and Popo. Robotnik rubbed his temples in frustration and agitation. The doctor had enough and yelled at the troublemakers.
"Enough! The next person who disrupts the class will get a referral! That means you, Hedgebrat!", the doctor warned causing Ness, Yoshi, Gunther, Tails and Toon to glare at Sonic. Diddy snickered but Popo and Reef managed to shut him up.
"Anyway, that's the important parts of the male sex system but the female anatomy has a complex system. Allow me to show you in the next slide.", Robotnik then shoed the female sex system as Pit started to snicker but Pitoo bopped him before he even start. Ness was confused as majority of the boys except for Bowser Jr's posse.
"What's that thing?", Toon Link wondered.
"I dunno. It looks weird yet so right.", Gunther noted causing Ness and Yoshi to look shocked.
"Dude, what the hell?", Ness asked in disbelief with Gunther sheepishly grinning.
"It's pink."
And kind of hairy.", Reef and Diddy said respectively. Robotnik noticed the confusion from majority of the kids. He wasn't surprised at the group of Bowser Jr's being devilish.
"This here is the vagina. And this is where the..erm the.", Robotnik stammered confused himself. Tails was perplexed at the mad doctor.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?", Tails wondered.
"Of course I am. Just give me a moment. Now let's see. The Pingas goes somewhere…", Robotnik tried to figure It out but couldn't. Sonic rolled his eyes and whispered to Yoshi.
"He's definitely clueless.", Sonic said as Yoshi nodded.
"Yep. He does.", the dinosaur quipped. Ness sighed to his friends knowing where this is going.
"Guys, this is gona be take a while.", the baseball wiz groaned.
"Yeah. And Friday's going to be a real bitch to pull through.", Gunther noted.
"I wonder how the girls are doing anyway?", Tails wondered. Throughout the hours, the boys are going to be there bored out of their minds.
=====Afterschool: Miss Onatop=======
"All right, girls. Even if this is something you don't want to hear, you need to hear it.", Onatop said to the girls. The girls were composed of Amy Rose, Sally Acorn, Cream Rabbit, Toadette, Paula, Kumatora, Leaf, Viridi, Rachael (Jigglypuff), Medli, Tetra, a couple Nokis and Piantas and Lucina. Although, many classrooms throughout the academy were required to teach sex ed. Sally was eager to learn as she spoke with enthusiasm.
"Of course we want to hear it, Miss Onatop. We're excited.", the squirrel nerd stated with a smile.
"Yeah. This is gonna be fun!", Amy chirped.
"Puff! Jiggly-jiggly!", Rachael beamed.
"Yay!", the girls all agreed. However, Onatop had an angry look on her face ready to go ham. She had a snarky attitude before she unleashed hell.
"Fun?! You think it's gonna be fun?! Let's get started then! Here's your first lesson..The It!", the teacher yelled writing the board about the topic making the girls nervous.
"Jiggly-jiggly. Jig!", Rachael whimpered causing Coral (Inkling Girl) and Nana to calm her down.
"Calm down, Rachael. Onatop's just had a long day. That's all.", Nana assured as Onatop continued.
"That's right! The It is not a game! And unless you have boys to wear condoms, you will get the It from them! Boys are gross and nasty and when they grow up to be men, they'll be more gross and nasty through the roof! How fun is that?! Do you think that's fun?! Hmm?", Onatop ranted scaring the girls.
"Um-umm.", Toadette whimpered.
"We didn't mean it that way, Ms. Onatop!", Sally defended the girls.
"Yeah. Chillax!", Dixie Kong stammered.
"Do you realize that 20,000 people contract the It today and 12,000 tomorrow? It's girls like you all think it'll never happen to you! And you all say it only happens in Mute City, Rougeport, Mushroom City and not Smashville! Bullshit! It hurts to pee, you itch like crazy, pus filled sores in your mouth, the oozing and the burning!", Onatop raved grossing and spooking the girls.
"Whoa! What the hell?!", Tetra yelled.
"This! And this! And this!?, Onatop snapped showing pictures of the victims that caught the It scaring the girls shitless. The Noki students curled up into their shells petrified, Cream screamed with Amy holding her tight to calm the rabbit, Medli covered her eyes, Lucina barfed in a puke bag and the rest screamed out of their lungs.
"You're one crazy ass bitch!", Coral mumbled seeing Onatop go ham in the lesson.
"Yeah! The It has severe consequences and sex is not love and games! It's full of disease! This is what will happen to you if a boy doesn't wear a condom!", Onatop warned ending the lesson with the rant. To say that the girls were terrified was an understatement. The bell rang signaling the first day of hell is over.
"Let's get the hell out of here!", Nana shuddered.
"Jiggly!", Rachael answered following the girls out the hellhole.
=======After Sex Ed======
Ness, Gunther, Yoshi, Popo, Sonic, Toon Link and Tails were bored out of their minds. They were sitting in the hallways free from Robotnik's inexperience of birds and the bees. Snake, the School Resource Officer came up to check up on them seeing their drained faces.
"Hey, Kids. How's the first day of sex ed coming along?", Snake asked with Nesss speaking up.
"Awful. We didn't learn anything.", the baseball wiz confessed.
"Yeah, Eggbelly didn't do shit.", Sonic huffed.
"We almost died of boredom.", Toon Link whined. Snake listened to the gripes of the kids but he felt empathy for them.
"No kidding."
"Yeah, Dr. Robotnik didn't know anything at all.", Gunther said with Popo and Tails cosigning. Yoshi just rubbed his aching head.
"To tell you the truth, I don't think Robotnik doesn't know a hymen from a historectomy. And Onatop, I'm surprised if she got laid in her life.", the mercenary snarked. The kids raised their eyebrows in confusion.
"What's a hyphen?"
"What's a histo-whatzit?"
"What's getting laid?", Tails, Ness and Yoshi asked with Snake sheepishly laughing.
"Never mind that. Why don't you kids run along now. I'll see you tomorrow.", Snake said before going on his way. He was right for sex ed was a bad idea from the start.
"Dude, why don't we ask what the girls learned from sex ed?", Yoshi wondered.
"We don't have to wait for long. Here they come.", Gunther noted spotting the girls chatting around.
"Well, let's do it then.", Toon Link suggested as the boys went up to them. Ness went to Paula to ask her something.
"Hi, Paula. What did you—"
"AAAAAAHH!", Paula and the other girls screamed running away from the boys confusing them.
"What was that all about?", the PSI wiz wondered rubbing his head In confusion.
"Yeah. What the hell is their problem?", Tails asked. Toon Link went up to Medli and Tetra to ask them something hoping to get an answer.
"Hey, girls. Can you tell us—"
"AAAAH! Stay away from us, Toon!", Medli and Tetra yelled backing away.
"What the hell is your problem anyway? You girls are absolute nutso!", Sonic yelled out wanting answers.
"Do you boys have a condom?", Sally wondered.
"What is that?", Sonic asked.
"Are any of you wearing any?", Amy asked in fear.
"No! We don't know anything about those things!", Popo protested causing the girls to scream and run away. Kirby was disappointed when Rachael ran away from him. The puffball didn't understand why nor the situation at hand. Reef got a Splatter Shot ink gun pointed at him by Coral, a pineapple launcher at Diddy by Dixie and Nana throwing ice balls at Popo. The girls were definitely scared out of their minds.
"Don't you guys know that you can get a disease without wearing a condom?!"
"Yeah! You could get the It if you don't!", Amy and Cream respectively warned but Yoshi was In disbelief.
"No you don't!"
"I don't believe that At all!"
"That's crazy as catshit!", ", Yoshi, Tails and Toon Link scoffed in disbelief . Amy fired back at the boys not believing them.
"Yes you do! If you don't wear one, you will get the It!", Paula explained. The boys were In shock but Pit broke the silence with a stupid question.
"Could we like get that from spanking our monkey? Owwwww! Damn it, Pitoo!", Pit groaned after Dark Pit punched him in the ribs.
"Stop talking about spanking your monkey, dumbass! Told you I'll beat the bajesus out of you!?, Dark Pit hissed punching his twin. Ness ignored them and was confused.
"Geez, Dr. Robotnik didn't tell us about condoms nor the It.", he remarked.
"Yeah, he didn't teach us anything.", Yoshi said rubbing the back of his head.
"Just stay away from us! We don't want any of your It!"
"Puff!", Nana and Rachael huffed.
"C'mon, you're all trippin'!", Reef scoffed.
"C'mon, Nana. Chill out. Aren't you blowing this out of—"
"AAAAAAHH!", Popo tried to reason with his twin sister but the girls didn't want to hear it running away throwing trash at the boys.
"Well this sucks!", Sonic noted.
"I don't want to get the It, guys. It sounds serious.", Toon Link said in worry.
"We gotta get some condoms to protect ourselves. Come On!", Gunther suggested with the group agreeing.
"Time to protect our schlongs from the It! And our bungholes!", Pit yelled. Ness and the Others looked at him like he's crazy.
"Dude, don't let the whole world know about that!", Ness deadpanned. Sonic snickered only for Yoshi and Tails to groan at the hedgehog's stupidity.
=====At the Smashie Mart======
The seven boys came into the mart at the cash register where the man was confused. He listened in on the boys with Ness asking on behalf of the group.
"Can I help you boys?"
"Yeah, we need condoms. Quick!", Ness said causing the clerk to raise an eyebrow.
"How old are you kids?", he asked.
"Does it matter?", Ness questioned.
"I'll be 13 next week, Toon Link said causing the group to glare at him. The clerk shook his head refusing to sell the pack of rubber.
"I don't think kids your age should get condoms.", the clerk noted.
"C'mon, dude. We don't want to get the It!", Yoshi explained his reason.
"It's store policy. We cannot sell condoms to minors.", the clerk said putting his foot down. However, a female clerk stepped In to help out in the situation.
"Wayne, we have to sell condoms to those who request them.", the woman warned causing the clerk to be flabbergasted pointing at the kids.
"B-But they're just children."
"We can't let them go unprotected when they're active.", the lady clerk explained with Sonic being smartmouthed.
"Yeah, you want us to get unprotected, asshole?!", the hedgehog quipped at the man. The guy was against sex ed but unfortunately the store had to provide the gear to those who are possibly going to do it anyway.
"But we don't have any that would fit them!", the man clerk exasperated told the co-worker. The lady smiled pulling out a box of Little Vikings.
"We have these in stock last week. Only $5.50 for 50 per Pack.", she explained. The boys cheered with Gunther beaming hard for some reason.
"It might be like underwear. We can wear it again and again. We're saved!", Gunther said only for the lady to shake her head.
"I'm sorry, kids. You have to change It after wearing one.", she noted.
"Wow, we gotta buy tons of these things.", Yoshi shocked pulled out his allowance to buy more boxes.
====Onatop's house=====
"I appreciate you inviting me over for the lesson plan, Miss Onatop.", Robotnik said as Onatop smiled looking over the curriculum book while the two were having coffee.
"It's no problem at all, Doctor. It's best we discuss the lesson plan together, anyway.", Onatop noted with Robotnik nodding his head in agreement.
"I already went over the basics with the boys but I was wondering what you went over with the girls in case I missed something.", the mad doctor wondered.
"Just scaring them straight about the consequences of getting the It even with oral sex.", Onatop noted to the doctor of her plans. Robotnik felt puzzled rubbing his head in confusion.
"Oral sex? Hmmm. What''s that mean?"
"It means putting your mouth on either penis or vagina.", Onatop politely reminded him of that. Robotnik chuckled sheepishly sipping his coffee.
"Yeah. Pingas or vagina.", he said. Onatop sighed to herself sipping her coffee before lamenting.
"It's a shame that girls are having sex so young. Babies creating more babies.", the teacher noted with Robotnik agreeing. The mad scientist twiddled his fingers nervously thinking of what to say. He looked up at Onatop before asking a question that Plagued his mind just now.
"Indeed. Not to be rude or anything, but did you do it when you were a teenager?", Robotnik asked nervously hoping he didn't get the shit beat out of him. Luckily, Onatop shook her head at the answer.
"I Haven't. Well, almost did. Back in high school, I had a boyfriend who was on the varsity basketball team but not for long. He and his friends had a bet being that the loser has to date me if the team they've betted lost in the World Series. My boyfriend lost the bet on account of the Delfino Islanders lost to the New Donk Donkees. But I'm not ashamed of it though my sister stole him from me. That bitch.", Onatop sneered at the thought. Robotnik didn't know what to say but he had to say something.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I may not understand much but I'll share with you my gripes when it comes to romance.", the mad doctor confessed.
"Really? Tell me all about it.", Onatop encouraged him as she felt intrigued to know.
"It all started in high school as well, I fell in love with a girl who I want to be my lab partner. She was beautiful and intelligent as well. I wasn't the popular nor the most handsome of the class. The girl Of my dreams agreed to date with me and I was the luckiest underdog or so I thought.", Robotnik said solemnly with Onatop raising an eyebrow.
"What happened next?", Obatop urged as Rovotnik. The scientist sighed and froze for a moment before continuing.
"Turns out the girl used me to get back at her ex/"
"Oh my goodness.", Onatop gasped after Robotnik told her the bad experience.
"I was hurt and I kind of lost confidence of asking a girl out. The Only girl I ever devoted to is science. Nothing more or less. I've been striving to take over the world and stop that blue menace Sonic and his friends lately.", Robotnik stated.
"That's interesting. I never met somebody sexually unappealing as I am."
"Um, neither have I.", Robotnik and Onatop said looking into each other's eyes before thw latter giggled.
"Who needs sex anyway? No need risking catching the It."
"Yeah, I agree. Let's get back to the lesson then."
"COuldn't agree more. Let's see. Hmmm, oral sex."
Both teachers laughed It Off before getting back to the lesson plan for tomorrow.
=======The Next Day or Two=======
And so the boys were hanging out at the park where they have boxes of condoms from couple days back. To say that they were figuring out on how to use it was an understatement. Ness asked one of the boys on whether or not they have figured it out.
"So where are the instructions?", the baseball PSI wiz asked as Korin reading the box explained to him.
"It says to roll it over your wiener. It says latex condoms are super effective against pregnancy and itsies. Itsies? What the heck are they?", the blond dragon kid wondered confused as he open it up. He looked at the round thing with curiosity. Kirby ran over thinking it was food much to Meta Knight and the others' concern.
"Oh, it looks like a donut. I-It's all gooey.", Korin said feeling the lubricant of the rubber. Thankfully, Meta and Gunther pulled Kirby away before the Puffball inhaled it. Sonic scoffed at Korin while Holding his rubber.
"Just put it On, Korin."
"How come I have to go first?", Korin whined to Sonic as the hedgehog rolled his eyes watching the dragon kid struggle to put it on.
"Korin, will you stop filibustering?",b Sonic asked still watching.
"Oh, all right. Let's see how to put on the darn thing.", Korin thought struggling with the condom. Ness gasped seeing Sonic watch Korin and scolded.
"Don't be looking at Korin's schlong, gaymo!"
"Yeah, what the hell?!", Toon Link cried out as Sonic blushed In embarrassment. The hedgehog defended himself with his reasons.
"I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was watching how to put the damn condom on!", Sonic flustered defended himself. Yoshi smirked while Gunther and Popo rolled their eyes at the blue blur.
"Sure you did."
"Whatever, butt mongrels!", Sonic snorted after Gunther and Yoshi teased In unison. Korin placed the rubber on his wiener before he noticed one detail.
"Okay, I think I got It On.", the dragon boy noted but Gunther gasped.
"Shit! We gota check for holes and tears.", the island rep warned. Ness, Yoshi, Sonic, Korin, Reef, Popo, Meta Knight and Toon Link checked for all tears and Holes. Thankfully, there weren't any.
"Okay. No tears and Holes. But how would this thing stay on? Does anyone have any rubber bands?", the dragon boy asked.
"I got rubber bands.", Diddy Kong chimed handing Korin three rubber bands. The dragon boy yelped as the bands snapped stinging Lightly on the wiener holding them in place. Korin smiled at his handiwork as Ness checked up on him.
"So do you feel protected?", Ness asked.
"Sure do. I feel very Protected from the It. Nothing's going in my wiener for sure. And look, it has a reservoir at the very end so you can pee in it. Isn't that neat?", Korin remarked with a smile. Sonic grinned at the thought but Yoshi shook his head at the blur.
"Don't even think about it.", the green dino deadpanned causing Sonic to Play dumbfounded.
"Think about what?"
"You know what. You smirked after what Korin said.", Gunther deadpanned after Sonic tried to play it off. Ness looked at Kirby eyeing the condom thinking it was a donut.
"Somebody help Kirby put his on.", the baseball PSI wiz reminded as Kirby waved the condom in the air with a smile.
"HIIIIIIII!"
====At the PTA meeting======
It was yet another PTA meeting at the Smash Academy and the topic was yet about sex ed. The parents and guardians were alarmed after the past few days. Snake who was in attendance sighed to himself knowing how chaotic this was going. Principal Whatzit tried to calm everyone down but the fact that the issue was festering made it difficult to do so. After he had done so, he talked about a very important update.
"I just got a call from the pharmacists at Poke Mart and Nook's Cranny that kids are buying condoms left and right. Their sales are through the roof. They're possibly sexually active as we speak.", Whatzit noted causing attendants to grow more in worry.
"I-a found a couple-a boxes of those things in-a Yoshi's room last night. He'sa too young to get them but he's prepared.", Mario said.
"I caught my nephew with a few in his bag after going to Isabelle's. Thank goodness they didn't do the do.", Ganondorf stated but was relieved that Gunther didn't use them.
"Well at least we scared those kids straight after talking about the It. But since kids are being sexually active with condoms, we need to start teaching them sex ed at a younger age.", Onatop recommended. The Koopa teacher raised an eyebrow at her suggestion causing Snake, Rosalina, Ganondorf, Falcon and Samus to frown knowing where this is going.
"But how young can we teach them about the birds and the bees?", the Koopa teacher asked with Onatop nonchalantly answered the question pissing off a certain party.
"Kindergarten."
"KINDERGARTRN?!", Snake, Samus, Falcon, Rosalina and Ganondorf yelled in outrage of what Onatop had answered. Rosalina clenched her fists wanting to beat Onatop's ass with Samus sharing the same feeling. Both Ganondorf and Falcon had to pull their wives back even though the Gerudo king loved Rosalina's vicious and feisty fact that Lumalee is in kindergarten made Rosalina pissed to a boil. Onatop waved her hands in defense in hopes of not getting put in a casket by an angry star goddess and a bounty hunter who is part Metroid and part bird girl.
"Hear me out. We have to teach them before they have it.", Onatop reasoned but to no avail. Snake snorted at the thought as he gave his two cents.
"Okay, now you're getting very ridiculous!", the mercenary huffed.
"Miss Onatop's right. We have to teach them the responsibilities if they're going to screw around.", a Goomba teacher remarked causing Rosalina to get into a pouncing stance causing Ganondorf to hold her firmly.
"Take it easy, Rosa. They're not even worth it.", Ganondorf reasoned.
"Hell naw! They're teaching my baby this shit?! She's keeping her innocence!", the star goddess yelled. Fox who was standing near the commotion stood between the vicious wives and the teachers potentially gravebound.
"Hold up. Hold up. Stop the madness right now.", Fox said causing Link to yell at the Pilot.
"Fox, get out Of the way! I want to see a dirty fight! Don't kill my vibe, man.", the Hylian begged only for Zelda to punch him in the ribs to stop inciting a riot. Fox ignored that and tried to reason with the group with a neuteral side.
"Look. Obviously, this is asinine to teach kindergarteners these things. I want them to keep their innocence and learn the birds and bees when they're older from the school. My son Tails is doing Okay learning about things like this.", Fox said but Snake groaned at the vulpine.
"You gotta be kidding me.", Snake grumbled not liking where it's headed. To cut to the chase, the school decided to teach sex to kindergarteners much to the parents and guardians' anguish. Oh no. Things are going to hit the fan this time.
=======Kindergarten Class=======
This is the first day that the poor kindergarteners are learning about the talk. Lumalee who was drawing with her crayons had to pay attention to what the teacher had to say. What added insult to injury is who the teacher was. Who is that teacher you may ask? I give you a hint, a purple clad someone that triggered Rosalina's vicious side.
"Wah-Wah! All right, you snot-nosed brats! Time to teach you the birds and the bees!"
That's right, folks. Waluigi of all people is the kindergarten teacher. Rosalina doesn't like him that much and the fact he has history being a pervert and a filthy cheat made the star goddess even more angrier. In fact, most of the women didn't like him either including Samus, Daisy, Zelda, Lyn and others.
"Like canaries?", Lumalee giggled only for Waluigi to huff.
"Like canaries? Nah! It's time you all learn how to put on this.", the lanky dude said pulling out a certain rubber wrapped in plastic. One of the kids being a chubby Toad boy guessed what it was.
"Is it a yummy caramel candy? My grandma has some in her jar.", he said with a smile. However, Waluigi shook his head.
"No, you little runt. This is a condom. Can anyone tell me what this is?", he asked hoping somebody can answer.
"It flies around and it's endangered.", Lumalee guessed.
"That's a condor, Lumalee. Can anyone else guess?", Waluigi said hoping for more volunteers.
"Can we make play-doh?"
"No, we can't make play-doh! DO you want to catch the It? Do you? How about a bucket of that?! Wah!", Waluigi yelled in hysterics with the poor kids staring at him blankly. The purple clad dillweed composed himself pulling out an old spray can placing it on the table.
"Anyway, here's how you put it on. You take it out of the plastic. Put it in your mouth and apply.", Waluigi said putting the rubber over the spray can causing kids to get confused. A red baby Yoshi didn't have a clue as he ate one of his crayons with a smile. Damn, those poor Kindergarteners had to go through all that. And unfortunately, this is only the beginning to how fucked up the school was.
======Miss Onatop's Class======
"Okay, class. We learned about the It and it's symptoms. But the most prominent disease the It gives is..Pregnancy.", Onatop stated as many girls raised their eyebrows. Yes, the sex ed lessons were amped up after the kids bought condoms. I wonder the hell why?
"Jiggly-jig?"
"No, Rachael. Pregnancy's not a disease.", An English-speaking Pikachu named Gogo told the balloon Pokemon.
"Yeah, that teacher's buggin.", Coral whispered to Gogo and Rachael.
"Yes, that's right! Since all you girls are sexually active buying condoms, you all think It's all fun and games! Teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! How about a video to set you straight!", Onatop barked as she started up the video with E. Gadd Presents- Miracle Of Childbirth.
"What the hell?", Toadette wondered.
"Ah, the miracle of childbirth. After nine months since the wam-bam thank you, ma'am, a baby is pushing out the walls of the woman's vagina like so.", E. Gadd narrated in the video as the girls were creeped out at the image before them.
"What the fuck?! It's stuck!", Tetra gasped.
"What if it's a person and a half? What if it gets stuck like—Oww!", Kumatora asked crudely only to get bopped upside the head by Tetra.
"Will you shut the hell up? You're nasty as hell!", Tetra hissed as Kumatora rubbed her head.
"Oh shit. We did it again. This baby's stuck. Time for a Caesarean Section. Get the pliers!", E. Gadd narrated causing the girls to freak out. Onatop sweated bullets knowing she went too far.
"Pliers?!", Sally and Amy screamed.
"JIGGLY!", Rachael screamed scared half to death. Gogo and Nana tried their best to calm the Balloon Pokemon down. Gogo glared at Onatop wanting to straight up shock her ass.
"Oh, God!", Amy shuddered looking at the doctors using medical tools and pliers to get the baby out the woman. And that's a big one, too.
"Glad that's over. Oh, sugar honey ice tea! Here comes the afterbirth!", E. Gadd exclaimed in which all the girls screamed while Toadette and Medli puked in a bag. Gogo's cheeks charged full of electricity was pissed beyond belief.
"Oh no! Gogo's gonna blow!", Nana squeaked.
"Girl, don't do it!", Coral begged.
"Fuck that! Take this, bitch! PIKAAAAAACHUUU!", Gogo yelled jolting Onatop causing the teacher to pass out. The girls ran out scared not because of Gogo but that infernal video they had to endure. Now the girls are scarred for life. Thanks a fucking lot.
======Robotnik's Class====
Robotnik continued on the curriculum of sex ed as the boys were feeling uncomfortable. It wasn't the lessons that made them like this. They've gotten use to sex ed by now. Ness and Gunther were feeling irritated scratching themselves.
"Damn it. This condom itches!", Ness complained scratching his privates.
"I just changed into mine not too long ago. What the hell?", Gunther noted feeling itchy.
"Not sure but it sure itches like crazy.",Yoshi scratched replacing his old rubber with a new one. Pit raised his eyebrows at the suffering group.
"Hey, Red."
"Yeah?", the Pokemon Trainer answered the ditzy angel.
"Those guys are spanking their monkeys again like we are.", Pit deduced only for Dark Pit to scoff at his brother.
"No, Pit Stain. They're sratching their monkeys. This condom sucks.", Dark Pit grumbled scratching his wiener. Bowser Jr. grumbled scratching his Own privates.
"Damn. Why didn't they tell us that these things itch easily?", the Koopa prince whined. Sonic smirked holding a pee filled condom balloon.
"Well, at least it makes going to the bathroom easier.", the hedgehog smirked throwing the piss balloon in the trash bin next to Pit's in which both busted. Tails groaned deadpanning at Sonic and Pit.
"You both didn't have to do that.", the fox noted with the two shrugging. Robotnik continued on teaching about the intercourse.
"Behold, the vaginal opening. This is where all the magic happens and—Sonic and Toon Link, what in blazes are you doing?!", the mad doctor said flabbergasted seeing the Hylian and hedgehog's wieners.
"Putting on a condom."
"Yeah, what's it look Like?", Sonic and Toon Link respectively answered causing Robotnik to raise an eyebrow with a deadpanned expression.
"And do tell why are you wearing a condom?", he asked.
"We don't want to contract the It. That's why.", Sonic said.
"Yeah. The It is scary.", Toon Link shuddered.
"Boys, you can't get the It by just sitting around. You got to get it from sex.", Robotnik said still in his deadpanned expression. Ness and Yoshi were listening.
"For real?", Ness asked.
"With a girl?", Yoshi added causing Robotnik to grumble.
"Yes!"
"So it's ttrue we need to score in order to get the It?", Red and Pit asked In unison causing Robotnik to yell.
"Yes! Now can you all pay attention, please?! Now where was I? Oh yes…", Robotnik continued where he left off as Gunther and the boys were bamboozled.
"Fuckers!"
"Took the words right out my mouth, Gunther.", Toon Link agreed.
"So it was the girls the whole time. I should've known from the start.", Ness with anger said to the boys as they share mutual frustration.
"Girls lie! They lie straight to your face, dawg!", Sonic remarked.
"We gotta protect our schlongs!", Pit stated.
"In order to do that, we gotta get rid of the girls!", Yoshi suggested causing the boys to agree with the green dino. Reef pulled out his Splatter Shot ink gun while Diddy had out his Peanut Popgun and Rocketbarrel Pack. Lucas felt nervous of what's going down as he tried to reason with the boys.
"I don't think we should blow this out of proportion, guys. After all, what's good for the goose is good for the—OW!"
"Shut the hell up, ass wipe! Goody-goody two-shits!", Bowser Jr. mocked hitting Lucas upside his head. Ness sighed but had a straight face.
"Boys, this is war. Let's get at those girls.", the PSI wiz said as the boys ran out with war cries. Robotnik felt fixated on the female anatomy unaware that the boys broke out of class.
"And here's the clitoris and the Voluptuous Fallopian tubes.", the mad doctor drooled. Damn it. Hell is raising.
=====In the schoolyard======
And so, the boys and girls specifically the preteens and up were at a standoff. Both were glaring at each other ready to fight. After what Robotnik told the boys of the truth and the chaos Onatop caused, things are ready to go from bad to worse. Yep, the tension between the sexes is about to explode.
"Stay the hell away from us! You and your diseases!", Amy yelled at the boys holding her hammer. Coral cocked her ink gun pointing at Reef. Gunther locked and loaded his slingshot full of rocks and stones. Sonic scoffed at Amy and the girls ready to retort.
"Look who's talking, Amy! You're the one with worms!"
"Yeah, you're the ones with the diseases!", Toon Link challenged the Pinkette.
"Jiggly-jig! Jigglypuff! PUUFF!"
"You tell them, Rach! Let's run 'em all into the ground!", Tetra announced with Ness flipping the bird at the girls insulting them.
"Hell no! We'll run you in there first!", the PSI wiz stated. Paula glared with her fists balled as flames oozed out of them.
"Is that a fact, Ness?"
"Yeah, bra! Did he stutter?", Gunther challenged. Yoshi turned to Korin who didn't have a clue at first of what's going to happen. Everyone argued from both sides as the green dino considered the dragon boy to try and stop the fighting. Tails insisted on that idea along with Lucas.
"Korin, you try and talk them out of it."
"Why me?", Korin wondered as Dark Pit pushed him to the center of the boys' frontlines.
"Just go, ass wipe.", Korin did as he was told. The dragon boy had a megaphone in hand putting it to his mouth and spoke in a deep voice.
"Walk away. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. You can put an end to all this if you just walk away.", Korin reasoned putting down the megaphone.
"Dude, he's good.", Ness said impressed with Korin.
"Whoa, that was cool.", Red said in awe. However, the girls didn't buy it at all.
"We'll never walk away! Never!", Nana yelled throwing her hammer like a boomerang hitting Lucas upside the head knocking him out with a busted nose and lip. The boys gasped seeing Lucas all messed up and grew angry.
"Fuckers!", Gunther, Toon Link, Sonic, Popo and Yoshi yelled.
"Oh my god! They nnocked out Lucas!", Toad yelled in shock pointing at the unconscious blond.
"You bastards!", Diddy Kong screamed making the girls all pissed. Coral threw an ink grenade splatting orange liquid onto Ness and Reef who growled.
"Ah, bitch! Attack!" PK Fire!", Ness barked as both sides went into battle.
"Eat ink, assholes!", Coral said shooting ink at Diddy and Reef who fired back with their weapons. Kirby ran at Rachael with a hammer swinging and missing her. The pink Pokemon puffed at Kirby ready to beat his ass.
"JIGGLE-LAY!", Rachael shouted kicking Kirby like a football sending him flying into the air hitting a tree. Kirby then got up groggy from Rachael's punt but the pink puffball got hit by crabapples from the tree.
"We don't want to get pregnant by the likes of you Get out Of town!", Medli yelled throwing Bob-ombs at the boys.
"Hell no! Those are your diseases! You get out of town!", Yoshi shot back throwing explosive eggs at the Rito girl. The intensive fight ensued in the schoolyard getting crazy.
==In Onatop's office=====
"So the lesson plan for next time are going to be about nerve endings.", Robotnik noted writing on his computer. Onatop nodded her head while writing something for the girls.
"Indeed. The boys and girls should learn all about the nerve endings that play an important role in intercourse.", Onatop noted with Robotnik making an educated guess.
"Like the shaft of the pingas? It's very sensitive.", the mad doctor guessed gazing into Onatop's eyes. The teacher blushed at Robotnik before shyly correcting him.
"Actually, it's the tip of the penis that's sensitive.", she said as the two teachers gazed in silence. Suddenly, their desires for each other shot through the roof. They've blushed before Robotnik broke the silence.
"I've been thinking about you, Ms. Onatop.", the mad doctor confessed as Onatop gasped in shock of realization.
"What do you do when you think about me?"
"Go crazy.", Robotnik answered Onatop as both decided to strip their clothes off. They were in the buff face to face. Robotnik marveled at Onatop's womanhood while the latter ogled at the erected pingas.
"I really want you, Ms. Onatop. It would relieve me from disciplining those brats.", Robotnik confessed with Onatop smirking swaying her body.
"I'm all yours, Ivo. Take me.", she purred as Robotnik didn't have to be told twice. To put it short and sweet, the teachers had sweet wild animal passion with moans and groans of pleasure. Little did they know that Waluigi was standing outside of Onatop's office listening in on the lovefest. That nasty bastard smiled hearing the mess going on.
"Wa-Waaa! Give her a pounding! Yeah!"
"What the hell you think you're doing?!"
The angry voice belonging to none other than Snake yelled at Waluigi for spying. The purple clad perv waved his hands in defense in hopes of not getting his lanky ass beat.
"It's nothing! None of your damn business!"
"Oh, really?! Then why are you in front of Onatop's office smiling? How many times do I have to tell you not to snoop in on people's privacy? When that door is shut, that doesn't give you an invitation to be nosy!", Snake chastised but before Waluigi can sneer, an explosion from outside startled them.
"Waa?! The hell is that?!"
"That's my line. It's coming from outside. I'll deal with you later.", Snake ran outside to the cause of the blast. The mercenary had a bad feeling relating the events prior. Waluigi shrugged and ran after Snake to see what's going on.
"What in blazes?"
"What was that?", Robotnik and Onatop gasped still naked hearing the blast. The two teachers quickly put their clothes on still sweaty to rush outside.
======Back At The Schoolyard=====
"What the Hell?!"
Wario, a gym teacher yelled seeing what was before him and other teachers. Everyone was in shock including Snake who was speechless of what happened to the courtyard. The scene was crazy to make everyone's jaws drop.
"Oh, no!", Snake shuddered.
The courtyard was In a big mess thanks to the kids freaking out. Trees were torn down with Kirby rubbing his noggin in pain. The kids weren't dead and thank goodness. They were bruised and battered from the fight. Ink from Coral and Reef's guns were covering the ground and on some of the boys and girls. Diddy Kong had bandages on his face and tail with a black eye and Gunther with a knot on his head with a flag on it. The girls' hair were frizzed up and look like shit. The ground filled with craters from Bob-ombs being launched and to close it off, it was torn to smithereens. It wasn't long before the parents and guardians arrived to check on their kids.
"Mamma MIAAAA! What-a happened here?! Yoshi!", Mario yelled seeing the Kids getting up all bruised up.
"My goodness!",Peach shuddered.
"Popo! Nana! Are you all right?!", Captain Falcon yelled out in concern for his adopted kids. Samus was worried sick and even though she's a tough bounty hunter, that does not mean she doesn't show any form of fear when it comes to her children. Many other parents were in a mixture of worry, fear and anger due to the situation. Principal Whatzit ran out glaring at the culprits of the ransacked courtyard.
"Oooh, Korin. You're in trouble now.", Sonic teased causing Korin to feel confused.
"What happened here?! Explain yourselves what did you do to my courtyard?!", the principal yelled in rage. The boys and girls stammered scared out of their minds as Falcon, Ganondorf, Mario and Ninten wanted to beat the principal's ass.
"We didn't want to catch the It from the girls!", Ness defended.
"Yeah! We were protecting our schlongs from the likes of those heathens!", Pit pointed at the girls who glared at that insult.
"Who the hell you calling a heathen, asshole?!", Kumatora hissed at the dopey angel.
"Yeah! It's you guys who are the heathens!", Amy challenged.
"Enough! You kids ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Think of all the damages we need to fix!", Whatzit wailed but Onatop sighed and fessed up.
"It's my fault, everyone. I freaked out the girls in them possibly catching the It from boys. I didn't think straight to tell them that they had to have sex with them first.", she said causing the parents to glare at her. Snake cleared his throat to become the voice of reason with a heart of gold.
"Well, I had to say this but you all got what you've deserved. Minus the kids of course.", the mercenary told the truth as everyone raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Yeah! None of us deserve that!", Link and Bayonetta noted frowning at Snake.
"Look, guys. This is what ignorance and misguidance brought us here. Sex is an emotional and spiritual connection to a lover like no other. It should be talked about at home with your children. Parents, I know it's hard to tell your kids but if you leave it up to the school to do it, the Kids could get the wrong idea from someone who doesn't even know, someone with a bad opinion of it and worst of all, it comes from a complete PERVERT!", the mercenary bluntly called out Robotnik who held his head down in shame, Onatop blushed in embarrassment and Waluigi gasped at the last remark Snake gave him.
"Wa?! Why'd you losers pan to me just now?!"
"Isn't it obvious?!", the crowd yelled causing the lanky man to shut his mouth. The principal sheepishly looked at everyone who wanted him to say something. He swallowed his pride and had no other options.
"Well, folks. I hereby declare sex ed at Smash Park Academy abolished. We apologize to the parents and students for what transpired.", Whatzit apologized.
"Hmph. He can take that apology and shove it up his ass for all I care.", Samus huffed as Falcon rubbed his wife's back to calm her down.
"Easy, tigress. This is more than enough.", Falcon whispered to Samus as the blonde sighed. Ness raised an eyebrow at Snake with a burning question.
"Snake, when is the right age to think about sex?"
"Yeah, I wanna know too.", Gunther wondered as did the rest of the kids. Snake pondered for a second before giving his answer.
"The right age to think about sex is..17.", the mercenary noted with Yoshi curious of the answer.
"17?"
"Yep, 17.", Snake assured Yoshi.
"You mean as long as you're in Love?", Ana asked.
"17. When you're ready.", Snake gave the final answer putting an end to the madness. The students decided to squash the beef between the sexes as Ness and Paula smiled to each other.
"Well, Paula. I'm glad that's over."
"Me too. We have plenty of time to be kids before that happens. Want to hang out at Mach Pizza, Ness?", the blonde PSI girl offered with Ness nodding. Sonic seeing this grinned to himself.
"Well, guys. Time to move on with our Lives. Hey, Ducky. Come here! Red Rocket! Red Rocket!", Sonic said chasing Ducky to beat him off once more.
"Damn it. Here we go again.", Yoshi facepalmed with Tails shrugging. Lumalee giggled to her mother and stepfather about what she learned. However, this made Rosalina and Ganon's eyes bug out along with Gunther's.
"What the hell?!", Gunther said with his jaws dropped.
"Mr. Waluigi taught us something about doggy style and hot carls. What are those?", Lumalee asked innocently with Rosalina having a creepy smile on her face.
"Gunther, would you be a dear and take your little cousin with you and your uncle? I got to teach a certain lanky one a lesson.", the star goddess asked sweetly in which her nephew obliged. Ganondorf knew what was about to happen as well as Gunther.
"Dude, you about to get yo ass beat.", Gunther thought to himself as the Dragmires watched Rosalina whoops Waluigi as the lanky man screamed for his life. Lumalee's eyes were covered by Ganondorf to prevent her from seeing her mother maul the pervert. Rosalina roared a tiger roar as she finished beating the lanky man's ass leaving him in a mangled mess. He got mauled the fuck out, man.
"Okay, everyone. I'm good now.", Rosalina said in a chipper mood. Gunther's jaws dropped to the floor as Ganondorf smirked to his nephew.
"And this is why you never want to get on your aunt's bad side.", Ganondorf said patting his nephew on the back. Gunther gulped looking at a much calm Rosalina and back at his uncle.
"Don't worry. I wouldn't even want to.", the island rep shuddered causing his aunt and uncle to laugh. Everyone left the mess ridden courtyard hoping something like this never happens again.
A/N: Whew. Longer than I expected to write. Proper Condom Use is one of my favorite episodes of South Park. This episode hits home for me for I didn't know about sex until 7th grade and the crazy thing was that most of the middle schoolers knew way too fast about sex before I did. I didn't know any better back then. That's the point of this chapter and the South Park episode that kids don't know any better and are curious creatures and learning about sex is no different.
Also for those who don't know who Ninten, Ana and Venus are, they are characters from the Earthbound series. Ninten and Ana were the protagonists of the first game, Earthbound Beginnings or Mother 1. Venus is a singer in the more popular sequel Earthbound residing in Fourside. You can read more about the other backgrounds in my outline before reading this chapter. It should help out in a time Like this. Anywho, feel free to review my story and I'll see y'all in the next one.