Why?
Tegan drains a bottle and thinks back on the night
Tegan sat in her open window at her apartment. The bottle of whiskey was down to the halfway mark, the pack of cigarettes was almost empty. She took a look outside to the concrete below. It was far, so she'd have to land just right or it would only hurt.
Tegan woke up and grinned at Sara sleeping peacefully. She leaned over and kissed her forehead before shaking her to wake her up.
"Hmm?" Sara didn't bother to open her eyes.
"Hi angel." Tegan smiled, "It's time to get up. Amanda's coming today."
"Good morning bella," Sara opened her eyes and gave her a sleepy smile, "What time is it?"
Tegan looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table, "It's almost eleven."
Sara's eyes shot open, "Amanda messaged me last night and said she'd be arriving at noon!"
Tegan sat up and got out of bed, "Then you'd better get dressed and ready to pick her up from the airport."
Sara nodded and got out of bed.
Tegan took another drink before pulling the second to out the last cigarette and lighting it. She inhaled the smoke deeply before letting it escape through her nose. She heard footsteps outside her apartment door and a knock on the door.
"I'm so glad you came!" Sara was saying as she helped Amanda put her suitcase in the trunk.
"I'm just happy you're letting me stay with you." Amanda gave her a small shy small.
They got in the car and Sara drove back to her apartment where Tegan and Sonia were waiting.
When they arrived Sara insisted on carrying the luggage up to her apartment.
"We're here." Sara called out as she struggled to open the door.
Sonia got up from the couch and gave her daughter a hug before introducing herself to Amanda, "Hi, I'm Sonia."
"It's nice to meet you." Amanda held out her hand and Sonia shook it.
Sara looked around the apartment, "Where's Tegan?"
"She's in the bedroom on the phone with Stacy." Sonia motioned to the bedroom door.
Sara left Amanda and Sonia alone and walked to the bedroom.
Tegan was sitting on the end of the bed with her head down. She looked up as she heard the door open.
"Hey Tegan." Sara smiled at her, "Sonia said you were talking with Stacy."
"I was," Tegan seemed irritated, "She got called into work."
"That's too bad," Sara sat down next to Tegan and rubbed her back lightly, "She seemed interested in meeting Amanda."
Tegan nodded her head, "Yeah."
"Come on," Sara stood up and pulled on Tegan's hand, "Let's go talk to her."
Tegan didn't answer her door. She let whoever it was knock, hoping that they'd give up and walk away. But then she heard the door opening. Whoever did that must have had her spare key. And Sara had her spare key.
"Tegan?" It was Ted.
"Go away." Tegan turned to glare at him.
Ted stood in the middle of her apartment; defiant of her order to go, but caring in the way he spoke.
"Tegan," He said softly, not wanting to upset her further, "It wasn't what you thought."
She turned and looked at him. Tears were in her eyes and the bitter taste of alcohol was on her tongue, "Yeah fucking right. That's what they all say."
Ted kept his calm, "I was there Tegan. I saw it form the beginning." He watched as her expression seemed to stay the same, "It wasn't what you think."
There was a knock on the door and Tegan stood up to answer it.
"Hey Tegan." Ted grinned at her as she opened the door.
"Hey Ted," She pulled him in for a quick hug, "What are you doing here?"
Ted shifted uneasily, "Don't hate me."
"Ted." Tegan said sternly, "What did you get this time?" She rolled her eyes knowing that he had got her something overly expensive that she couldn't afford.
"I bought you guys some gifts," He smiled as she glared at him, "As a further thank you for the opportunity you gave me."
"Fine," Tegan rolled her eyes, "Come on in."
She stepped out of his way, allowing him to enter.
"Hey Ted." Sara smiled at him from the couch and placed her hand lightly on Amanda's shoulder "This is Amanda."
"Hey Sara," Ted smiled in return, "Nice to meet you Amanda."
"Nice to meet you Ted." Amanda smiled nervously and slightly bowed her head, a defense mechanism she had learned from the years of anxiety.
"I got you something Sara," He smiled and held out a small bag, "I figured you could use it to welcome your guest." He gestured toward Amanda.
"Thanks Ted." He handed her the bag and she undid the ribbon at the top. She pulled out a bottle of champagne made by a company she had never heard of, "Wow! Thank you so much! Drinks anyone?" She beamed as she stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen.
"That was nice Ted." Tegan smiled as she walked past him to take Sara's place on the couch.
"Anytime Tegan." He grinned at her.
"Tegan!" Sara raised her voice from the kitchen, "Can you go to the store and buy champagne flutes?"
"What?" Tegan rolled her eyes, "Why do we need champagne flutes? Can't we use wine glasses?"
"For champagne this nice?" Sara scoffed at her in a mock proper voice, "That would be a sin!"
"Fine! Fine!" Tegan raised her hands in surrender, "Do you have cash?"
"Yeah," She gestured toward the bedroom, "My wallet's on the dresser."
"You left Tegan," Ted took a couple of cautious steps forward, "I swear to you, it wasn't what you though."
"Stop it Ted!" Tegan shook her head at him, "I don't want to hear it. If it was so innocent why didn't Sara come?"
Ted stopped in his tracks. He had a look of horror on his face, "Sara is too busy crying in bed. As soon as she realized she had hurt you she started crying and apologizing to no one. She needs you Tegan. Why would she purposefully hurt you?"
"Yeah?" Tegan moved her legs inside the window, "Can you carry me to your car? I'm too drunk to move."
"Of course!" Ted let out a sigh of relief before closing the distance between them, "Let's get you home."
"Home." Tegan smiled sloppily in her drunken state.
Amanda pulled her legs up onto the couch and turned toward Sara, "Thank you for inviting me here."
"It's no problem," Sara smiled at her, "I love helping my friends and family."
Amanda grinned wide, "It really means a lot. I don't really have anyone back home." Her smile as she spoke, "They all started neglecting me. They told me I was over re-acting to Jessica's death. Apparently you can't be sad if you barely knew them." Amanda choked on a sob.
"That's not true." Sara pulled her in for a comforting hug, "Loss can have a huge effect; especially when it's someone like Jessie." She gently rubbed her back, "You can always take comfort here."
"Thank you." She mumbled into Sara's shoulder, along with a few incoherent words.
"What was that?" Sara turned her head slightly, freeing her hair from Amanda's hair.
Amanda turned as well so she could speak clearer.
That's when the door opened.
Tegan stood in shock. Her girlfriend's mouth was seemingly lip to lip with Amanda's. The girl that she had thought she liked. Apparently she was wrong. She set down the box of champagne flutes, but stayed standing in the doorway.
"Tegan!" Sara spoke with a start at the sound of the box hitting the floor.
"Why?" Tegan shook her head and bit back the tears, "After…you asked me to…move…why?" Tegan choked out a barely coherent sentence.
"What?" The realization of what it must have looked like dawned on her seconds too late, "No! It wasn't that! We weren't doing anyth-"
"Fuck you!" Tegan stormed off slamming the door.
"That's all it was?" Tegan felt like a complete idiot now.
"I swear." Ted responded softly from the driver's seat.
"I'm such an ass." Tegan sobbed, "I overreacted! God! What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing is wrong with you but your past." Ted spoke with such assuredness Tegan believed him for that moment, "You're perfect Tegan. You just had some cracks and bruises left from your childhood. You need Sara to help you with them. I've never been able to get too far below your surface."
Tegan mumbled something and nodded through her sobs.
"Don't beat yourself up over this," He reached out an arm to rub her shoulder in reassurance, "You don't need more of that. You have a good thing going for you. You saw what you saw, and I guarantee Sara is blaming herself right now; Amanda as well. But don't let them. It was just an unfortunate incident that needs to be gotten past as fast as possible."
Tegan nodded her head again, "I know."
"So you understand what I'm saying?" Ted risked taking his eyes of the road to make sure she nodded in agreement, "Because we still need to set up Stacy with somebody. And Amanda seems like a good candidate."
Tegan smiled in spite of herself, "Okay."
"We're here." Ted spoke up again after a few minute's silence, "I'll help you get inside."
"Thanks Ted."
Ted carried her into the elevator and then to the apartment door. He set her down to turn the handle, "Where's Sara?" He asked as soon as the door was open.
"She's in the bedroom." Sonia spoke anxiously, "Did you find Tegan?"
"Yeah," He turned and picked Tegan back up, "As long as she remembers what I've told her, things will be fine."
"Good," Sonia smiled as the relief spread, "She doesn't look good."
"She was holding a half empty bottle of whiskey," Ted explained as he walked to the bedroom, "She won't be feeling good tomorrow."
Tegan fell asleep before she even saw Sara.
"You goddamn fuck up!" Gabriel was yelling at the table again. All of his anger was focused on Mia, "I don't even know why I'm still married to you. You do everything wrong! You can't even make decent pasta!"
"I'm sorry." Mia spoke quietly, barely above a whisper.
"You sure as hell better be sorry!" He threw his plate to the ground, "Fucking terrible! I've never had worse!"
He stormed off and left the girls alone.
"Mamma," Tegan rushed over to hug her mom, "It wasn't bad. Honest to God."
"You're not fooling me Tegan," Mia shook her head, "Gabriel's right. It's awful!"
"No mamma." Tegan shook her head and cried softly, "He's not right. He's never right."
Mia turned and gave her a sad smile, "If only that were true, honey."
Tegan was in shock. How could her mom believe anything he said?
"Finish your food if you can," She continued her sad smile, "But it's not very good."
Tegan leaned over to grab Gabriel's plate.
"I'll get that honey," Her mom waved her off, "Just eat what you can."
Tegan cried herself to sleep that night. The night she realized her mom was not the same person she had been when Tegan was younger. She was a shadow, a shell of her former self. She was stuck believing everything Gabriel said. Tegan remembered back to when she would defy him. When they would argue; the arguing was bad, but now it was just a one sided beating. No retorts. No second opinions. Mia had given up.
Tegan awoke with a start. Her heart was beating fast and she was sweating profusely.
"Hmm?" Sara groaned from her spot next to her, "What's wrong bella?"
Tegan smiled as she sighed in relief, "It was a dream angel." She couldn't believe she had been mad at Sara. It now seemed obvious. She should never have assumed Sara would have done the other.
"Tell me," Sara's words froze Tegan, "It's good to share sometimes."
Tegan collected her thought and though carefully of her wording.
"My dad got upset over my mom's cooking. It was really a good meal. But he was blind to everything good that she did. He stormed off and left us alone." Tegan thought hard, grasping at the feelings that had been present in the dream, "I tried to comfort her. I told her the food was good." She felt a tear trail down her jaw, "She just sat there. She responded like some sort of programmed robot. Just over a year before her death and she had already given up. She was empty, Sara." Tegan was fully crying now, "So withdrawn into herself that she had no will. That was the day I realized it for the first time. That was the day her life ended."
Sara had no response verbally, but she held Tegan tight. Assuring her that she'd never let her go.
"I'm sorry I doubted you." Tegan let her tears flow freely.
"I forgive you Tegan." Sara was glad she had come back, "It was a mistake anyone could make."
Tegan highly doubted that, but she just nodded her agreement, "Let's go back to sleep."