I like people who are honest with their feelings. Not just honest with other people, but with themselves as well.
It's easy to believe a lie when you're the one doing the lying.
Nine times out of ten, love isn't love. Contradictory? Hear me out. All our lives, we're force fed this misconception that we're not complete until we're in love with another human being. It makes us shameful to have to answer negatively when people ask the dreaded question: "Are you in a relationship?" It's almost like we're answering, "No, I'm still only half a human being. Haven't found that 'special someone' who's going to make me whole. Go on, shame me. There must be something wrong with me – I'm not a full human being because I'm not in a relationship." Or even worse, "I was whole, but now I'm not. Got my 'heart broken'."
'Heart broken'. The phrase makes me sick. Your heart is yours. Not anybody else's to own or keep. It is not anyone's job to try and keep it safe, but your own. The heart is such a vital organ; only a fool would happily give it away so easily.
For fear of being alone, we force ourselves to believe that some random person who comes into our lives is going to be the 'ideal' person who is going to fill that supposed 'void' in our lives. We let ourselves build this person up in our heads, making them out to be the perfect one we've been waiting for all along.
Listen up. You can believe that you've fallen in love with anyone you want if you lie to yourself. Even the most imprudent of simpletons can do that; in fact, most of them do. You've got to be dead honest with yourself if you want to experience true love – don't kid yourself and try to settle for someone just because you're sick of being alone.
I'm not going to kid myself.
I like people who are honest, because I can be sure that they're not kidding themselves. They know what they want and they're not going to settle for anything less – and that includes me.
"You owe me a meal." A voice I hadn't heard in a while invaded my philosophizing. My ears involuntarily perked up in response, but I made no action to turn towards the source of the voice.
"I'm busy right now."
"Don't seem too busy to me."
I finally let out a sigh, and conceded to lend my attention to the blue-head who stood a few feet off from me.
"You were kinda just staring into nothing, actually," Luke laughed, his felinely amber eyes crinkling into small slits. I remained silent, observing the way even his nose scrunched up when he laughed, in spite of the bandage that remained tensely positioned on it. I didn't know why, but his laugh made me want to laugh too. Not because I found anything particularly funny, or even because it was contagious; but because it was genuine, and a genuine anything was hard to come by nowadays.
A smile tugged up on my lips in spite of myself. Luke smiled gently, tilting his head to the side as he shot that same smile at me.
"You finally smiled. Don't think I've ever seen you smile all the times you've talked to me."
"That's not a whole lot of times," I retorted casually. I felt the urge to smoke but I resisted – I didn't get the feeling that Luke was one for smoking.
"Seems like you avoid me on purpose."
"You've caught on, have you?"
Hurt. Hurt flashed on his face, and for a split second I felt guilty for inflicting such an emotion on such an innocent person. His face quickly reverted back to its usual easygoing expression, but the tainted cloud that had swallowed up his face for that millisecond wouldn't leave my mind.
I sighed tiredly. "Come on."
He stayed in his spot, dumbfounded. I whipped my head around abruptly when I realised he wasn't following me, but rather was standing stock still like a redundant tree. Geez, he made me desperately want to smoke.
"I owe you a meal, right?" I snapped, trying to keep a semblance of patience in my voice. I walked ahead of Luke, heading for my house. After letting him in, I walked to the kitchen to start making dinner for two.
"What do you want? I'll make whatever, since I owe you."
Luke eyeballed me curiously, trying to determine what had caused my sudden surge in mood. I sighed irritatedly, giving him incentive to decide faster.
"You don't actually have to cook for me. I was just kidding."
"I don't like indecisive people. Spinach risotto okay?"
Ignoring his plea that had come far too late, I started up the stove, going to the fridge to get out the ingredients I'd grown myself. I haphazardly threw the spinach and rice into the pot, added a few slices of onion and then, using my wooden spatula, started the tedious task of stirring everything up.
Silence reigned.
"How's your arm?"
"Fine."
He nodded understandingly, and then proceeded to start fidgeting with his dirty gloves and bandana. I didn't know what it was about Luke that could simultaneously irritate me but guilt trip me at the same time.
"I have been avoiding you."
"Yeah, I got that the first time."
I looked up from my intent stirring. He was staring blankly at the floor. Something unconsciously twinged in my heart.
"You're a nice guy, Luke."
I kept my eyes concentrated on the simmering pot of green before me. I felt a need to explain myself to him, not to relieve my conscience, but out of some ridiculous, unexplainable, inconceivable notion that I had to protect him. From me.
"I'm not going to stay on Castanet forever."
He didn't jerk his head back up like I thought he would – instead, he kept his blank gaze to the floor, almost like he was expecting that.
"I know."
"You seem like the type to get attached easily."
He nodded mutely.
"You see where I'm going with this, right?"
"You don't like it here?"
"Wrong. I like it perfectly fine, for now."
"Why the need to move, then?"
"I get bored easily."
A small smile began to fight the uncharacteristic frown that was overshadowing his face.
"What I'm saying is," I continued, turning the stove off before going to plate up the risotto, "I'm going to leave one day. And it's going to be sudden and unexpected. And if you get close to me, painful."
His unnerving gaze followed me as I travelled from the kitchen to the dining table, setting our plates down between us.
"And like I said, you're a nice guy." I couldn't bring myself to blurt out the obvious overhanging reason that I didn't want Luke getting close to me.
I'll hurt you, and for some strange reason that has never plagued me before, I desperately don't want to hurt you.
He kept staring at me, as I picked up my fork and proceeded to dig in. I finally looked up at him half way through a mouthful of risotto.
"Quit staring at me."
"Sorry."
We ate in silence.
"You're really good at cooking."
"Even a lost child's got to know how to cook."
He put his fork down and leaned back in his chair, observing me soundlessly.
"I thought I told you to quit staring."
He finally sighed and lowered his eyes, aiming his gaze at his scuffed up boots.
"I need to stop falling in love with my idea of people."
"If you're trying to tell me that you're in love with me, I'm going to whack you across the head right now."
He laughed that genuine laugh again, and we fell back into a silence, interspersed with only the sound of cutlery scratching noisily against plates.
"No, you don't have to hit me. Not yet, anyway."
I picked up our empty plates, going to wash them.
"I'm going to tell it to you straight now." I looked him right in the eye. His vividly amber eyes reeked of vulnerability – so much so that I almost couldn't bring myself to say it. Such disclosed vulnerability made me uneasy.
"Don't fall in love with me."
It wasn't an egotistical thing. I honestly wasn't really that attractive or thin or all that other crap other girls strived to be. But more importantly, I didn't care. I wasn't intent on wasting my tragically short life trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. That applied to appearances and otherwise.
But Luke was innocent, and he left himself so easily exposed. He was like a helpless puppy you couldn't help but feel drawn to. I knew I'd broken hearts before, but for some reason, I didn't want to break his.
We lapsed into an uneasy silence. He fidgeted clumsily with his fingers. I kept my eyes on the sink.
Rinse, soap, scrub, rinse. Repeat.
I finally broke the long silence. "It's easy to think you love someone when you don't know them."
He perked up, turning his head to me. He took his turn to speak.
"I guess, in my head, I've built you up to be this perfect person."
"You're awfully honest, aren't you?" I replied, only half listening. He leaned his arm on the dining table, resting his cheek on his calloused, gloved hand. He seemed deeply immersed in his thoughts. I put the dried plates away and went to open a window, so I could finally have that cigarette the presence of the blue-head had denied me all day. We fell back into silence.
"You're kind of all kinds of perfect though."
Luke's voice broke me out of my philosophizing for the second time that day. I rolled my eyes, slowly turning my attention to him. "That's all in your head."
He smiled a little. "That's what I like about you. You're pretty rude but you're actually really kind on the inside, aren't you?"
This guy unnerved me to no end. "Hey, I cooked dinner for you because you forced me to."
"Thanks, by the way."
I went back to my cigarette, letting the ashes fall dead onto the grass that sat outside the window.
"And you didn't smoke all day because of me."
"It wasn't because of you."
"The few times we've talked, you've always put your cigarettes out before I came up to you."
I sucked hard on my cigarette. My nerves were twitching. "What're you trying to get at?"
"Even if you hate me," he started, staring intensely at his fingers which were nervously picking at one another, "I still really like you." A smile crossed his face. It was the kind of smile that said he wasn't as unbroken as I'd thought - it was the kind of smile only someone who'd gone through real pain would know how to use.
I exhaled smoke audibly, making sure to blow it out the window, so it wouldn't get trapped in the house. My eyebrows furrowed in distress and exasperation. "I don't hate you. Can't hate someone you hardly know. Just like you can't love someone you hardly know either."
A giddy smile replaced his afflicted one.
"What're you so happy about?"
He shook his head innocently, still donning that inerasable grin. "It's nice talking to you." His patience surprised me. If anything, I was crueler to him than most other people I'd ever met. I sighed for what must have been the fourth time that night.
"I'm telling you now," I repeated, "don't fall in love with me."
He stood up, ready to show himself out. "Why not?"
"Because I'll break your heart."
"Maybe I'll break yours." He let out a small laugh that expressed both the nervousness and humour in his statement. An unsure smile followed.
I whipped my entire body around to face him. My eyes narrowed themselves instinctively.
"Nobody breaks my heart."
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Skins'.
Author's Note: This chapter turned out way longer than I intended it to! Anyway, I hope Molly's not being portrayed as too mean towards Luke (since she's comparatively a complete sweetheart with Chase). It's just that Luke is someone who's trying to barge his way into her life whereas Chase made an easy transition because they're both so alike. Molly has feelings (not necessarily romantic yet) towards them, but they are completely different for each of them. That's what I wanted to convey with these two chapters. Also, to clear things up, Molly doesn't want to get close to Luke because she doesn't want to hurt him, but she's okay with Chase because he's pretty hardened, like she is.
I want to thank everyone for all the reviews/likes/follows so far! I hope you continue to stick with me and that you enjoyed this chapter! Expect the next chapter in a day or two, since it's already been written.