**Author's notes...I know this story is a little slow starting so thank you for sticking with me and the great feedback. I know she's not very trusting right now and people aren't supportive, but I guess we'll have to see if Stephanie's perception of other peoples' reactions turn out to be factual or just part of her illness. Like always thanks and let me know what you think.**

September 6

No appointment today as it's a Saturday. Tank's working this weekend so I'm home alone with the cats. Not that they are the worst company. I just don't let them in my room, I'm afraid they'll try to eat Rex, but they cuddle me every time I sit in the living room.

So out of boredom I decided to go through my cell phone. I've had it turned off for the last three weeks. I had forty minutes worth of voicemail. Connie and Mary Lou were just checking in since they hadn't seen or heard from me in 'forever'. Lula left a couple, wanting to know if I needed to be sprung from the big guy's house yet. My mother called eighteen times, so maybe I should have told her I was alright sooner. Then there were twenty-three messages from Morelli and three from Ranger.

I laid back on my bed in my thinking position. I knew I had to face them all at some point, but was I ready yet? I knew the phone would be a lot easier to deal with than face to face. Since my mom was taken care of I started with the easiest. I called my best friend Mary Lou.

She answered on the fifth ring. "Steph? Are you alright?" I could hear the kids screaming in the background followed by her husband, Lenny, bellowing for them to quit kicking the dog's balls. I didn't even want to know. I told her that I was fine. I was just having some problems with anxiety and depression. She offered to come sit with me, but I told her I just needed some alone time. We talked for a while longer, it was nice to talking about normal things for a few minutes. She ended up having to let me go, cursing that she should have gotten the fucking dog neutered. I told you I didn't want to know. She promised to call me back when they went to school Monday.

It was still early enough in the day I figured Connie would be in the office. She was usually in until noon on Saturdays. She picked up on the first ring with her nasally voice, "Vincent Plum Bail Bonds, this is Connie. How can I help you?"

I tried to come up with something that wasn't totally lame. "Hey Connie, it's Steph," was what I came up with.

"Holy crap, are you alright, hon?" Don't get me wrong, I love Connie, I just wasn't going to bet my privacy on her keeping my business to herself. So I assured her I was alright. I just needed some time off.

Then I asked if Lula had been keeping up on my FTA's even though I knew she was. Lester's been helping Lula with bounty hunting for me in his spare time. I'd be too worried about Lula if she was out on her own and he knew it. She agreed to the help without argument, since he was giving her the full bounty and was doing the hard part for her. All she had to do was haul them into the police station and agree to keep my secret about the depression. I asked Lester what Ranger thought about the arrangement, but he just shrugged and said he didn't give a shit what Ranger thought.

Connie told me that she was current on them, but wanted to know how long I was going to be out. I didn't have the answer for that so I just said I wasn't sure. I told her to say hi to Lula for me and promised to stop in when I had a chance.

I tossed the phone onto the bed next to me. I didn't know if I was ready to talk to the guys. I knew I should probably just get it over with before they heard from Connie that I had checked in. The question was who do I call? I had Morelli whose voicemail messages seemed to ramp up each day or the three from Ranger that just consisted of, "Babe, call if you need anything". God, I so didn't want to have either of those conversations. I finally decided to just get it over with and called Joe.

"Cupcake?" he answered, which is Morelli's stupid nickname for me. Don't even expect me to explain, it's so completely wrong. I just said hi back. I mean what do I say, for the most part he was still my boyfriend, just we hadn't seen one another for a month and a half.

"Where the hell are you?" I didn't want him to know where I was, because I didn't want him to show up here. I didn't want to see him. So I just told him that I was staying with a friend.

"Why haven't you answered your phone?" I could hear the irritation in his voice. I tried to tell him I was away on a job and not reachable. It worked with my mom, not so much with Joe. He said, "A job? For who? I talked to Connie. She said she had no idea where you were. Then I called fucking Ranger and he swore he didn't know where you were either."

God, he must have been desperate if he's stooped as low as to call Ranger, they didn't exactly like each other. I explained that Ranger didn't know where I was and still didn't. He was silent for a minute before asking how I got around all his trackers. I didn't want to explain that Tank disabled them and told Ranger that I was offline, but safe. So I just said that I left them in my apartment and didn't turn my phone on, no GPS to track. It wasn't that hard to disappear.

He insisted that he knew me and that I had help. He wanted to know who he was. It was the typical Morelli ranting and raving. Surprisingly, I felt completely calm. The doctor said that could be one of the effects of my new medication. No bursts of temper, no peaks or valleys in my moods, and no PMS rage. Weird, right? So maybe I was being mean, I don't know, but I bit back at his nasty comment with. "No, you don't."

He screamed at me then, "So you're fucking around on me again?"

I remember rolling my eyes and sighing before I asked, "Again?"

He was clearly in a mood, he just kept yelling at me. "Ranger? Hawaii? Any of that ring a bell for you, Cupcake?" God, I hated when he used that tone with me. So maybe I was egging him on a little when I assured him that there was no way I had forgotten Ranger or Hawaii. He actually growled at me and demanded that I tell him where I was and who I was with. I just told him again that I was away and that I'd let him know when I'm ready to see him.

He was out of control by that point. He screamed at me that he didn't want me back when he was done with me. I guess he'd made up his mind even before I'd called. It seemed like a quick and easy decision for him.

I told him calmly that there was no one else, even though I was getting irritated. I shouldn't have to defend myself to him. He went on to say I was in someone's bed since I wasn't in my own and there had been another man's sweatshirt in my bed. I sighed and told him that the sweatshirt belonged to Ranger, but he hadn't left it there recently. I had been sleeping in it. I guess that was too much for him, sleeping with Ranger's sweatshirt was some sort of betrayal. I don't know. He told me he was done with my bullshit. He couldn't handle being put on the back burner and lied to repeatedly. He hung up on me after that. So I guess I was dumped, at least for now.

At some point I wonder if I'll feel the sadness that should accompany his declaration. Right now all I feel is relief that I don't have to try to balance taking care of his feelings while I'm healing myself. I don't know if I'll ever feel the need to tell him the truth, about my condition that is. There is the possibility that he'd understand and our relationship could go back to a standstill like before or there's the possibility that he'll just get in my face and say I told you so about my job hurting me. The thing was, I didn't know if it mattered to me anymore. I just felt kind of numb again.

I grabbed the phone and hit the speed dial one button. Get it all over with, like ripping off a bandage right? He answered on the second ring with a Yo.

I tried to be breezy so I just said, "Hey Ranger."

"Babe." I guess that meant he wasn't angry with me, or who really knows when he answers me like that. I told him that I got his messages and just wanted to let him know that I was alright. He told me that Tank had let him know I was alright and thanked me for a least checking in with Tank before I took off. I sensed he felt a little hurt that I'd talked to Tank instead of him, but it was just hard to tell with Ranger sometimes.

I didn't know what else to say to him. It felt like too much to explain to him all that happened to me or maybe I just didn't know how to do it. I asked him if I could call him again. He told me to call him anytime. Then we hung up.

I laid there crying to myself. I don't know how to explain to anyone, even myself that just hearing his voice was enough to break something inside of me. I wanted him here with me. I needed him to help me beat this thing, but I couldn't tell him what was wrong with me. I wish I could make this make sense. My head is so fucked up right now.