September 8

Lula drove me in for my session after a four hour nap. The guys had their usual Monday morning meeting at work and she was still there anyway. Dr. Westin asked me how I thought I was doing. I told him I wasn't sure. He just gave me a look, so I knew we weren't moving on until I answered. So I told him I didn't think I was doing very well. I told him that I felt scared all the time. He asked what scared me. That was easy, everything. He nodded at me and asked me what scared me the most. That wasn't as easy, but I finally managed to tell him what scared me the most wasn't that the danger in my life would kill me, but that it would kill the people I loved.

He seemed thoughtful as he looked at me. The doctor asked me to tell him about the times my life had been in danger at the hands of another person. I asked him if he was serious, I didn't have a daylong appointment. He didn't waver though, he just said, "Stephanie, who was the first man to threaten you with violence?"

As soon as I heard myself say the name Benito Ramirez, I felt myself start to shake. The words started to flow out of my mouth, the threats, the stalking, how he raped and tortured Lula and left her as a 'gift' for me. Everything that was done to her was because of me. I told him about how Morelli and I had captured him and I felt like I was on top of the world for putting him behind bars, until he got out and came after me again. The only comfort I took was that he was dead now. I knew jail wouldn't have stopped him from coming for me again and again.

He asked me if I'd lost faith in the system that I was working for. I'd say most of the time the system was just what was needed, for most of my FTA's, but every so often there would be someone that I knew the system would never hold or stop. Those were the people I wanted dead. Dr. Westin made a note of something and moved on.

He asked about the danger my FTA's brought on a daily basis. I told him that there was always a threat that they could hurt me or kill me. He asked me why I would keep doing it if it put me in danger. I shrugged, I'd tried to quit a few times, but the danger followed me and I was afraid that Lula would get hurt doing it by herself so I always went back, just to keep an eye on her. I felt like she was in more danger alone than I was. At least if I was in any danger I could call for back-up, but I was her only back-up. Besides it wasn't the FTAs that were so scary even with the few close calls I had, it was the stalkers that had really scared me.

Dr. Westin asked if that was stalkers, plural. I know it sounds crazy, but yeah, it was plural, multiple times plural. I told him about Eddie Abruzzi, he may have been the scariest, maybe because he was the first or the craziest. I don't know, but that was the first time I spoke to someone about what it was like to have him do the freaky shit he did to me. It was also the first time I told someone that I didn't think he had committed suicide. I thought someone had killed him to keep me safe.

He asked me what I thought of someone taking a life for me. I had to stop to think for a minute. I knew it made me sound like a bad Christian, but it made me feel safer. It also made me feel grateful. When I was threatened everything inside of me screamed out to kill the person threatening me. It was one of the reasons I didn't like to carry my gun. It had been too easy to kill Jimmy Alpha and I sensed it would become easier and easier the more I did it. Having someone do it for me felt like they weren't only saving my life, but they were saving a little bit of my soul. The thing that seemed to nag at the back of my mind was that if they were saving my soul it had to be at the expense of their own.

He asked what I thought about that. It made me feel like shit is how it made me feel. I didn't want to keep getting myself into situations that put me in danger, but they kept following me no matter what I did or where I went. I felt like the stalking never stopped, it just followed me no matter what. I felt like just by being near me I was putting not only other people's lives in danger, but like I said their souls too. How could someone care enough to do something like that, for me? I wasn't worth it.

The doctor just nodded to me. Then he quietly muttered that someone thought I was worth it. Then he said that I couldn't blame myself for the choices of other adults. If they chose to hurt me or chose to endanger themselves to save me, those were their decisions and I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I snorted, that was easier said than done. I knew if something happened to one of my friends because of me I wouldn't be able to live through that, not again.

The doctor just quirked and eyebrow at me and wrote something down. Then he asked me to continue telling him about the danger my life has been in.

I moved onto my run in with The Slayers and Junkman, the doctor seemed shocked, though he didn't say anything, maybe not a lot of his patients had hits put out on them. Then I wondered if he remembered seeing the news stories about the bus driver taking out a street gang. Poor Sally, another person that had killed for me.

He asked me how I dealt with the terror of having an assassin after me. You can't deal with that terror, you ignored it, or at least I did. I told him I found a secure place to hide. He nodded at me to continue. I told him about Ranger's apartment and how being there made me feel safe and secure even when he wasn't there. He asked how I felt when he was there. I think I felt my face turn bright red, but answered honestly. I never felt unsafe when Ranger was near me.

He asked me if I felt like Ranger had saved me. I told him that Ranger had been the backup I'd been referring to earlier, helping with my FTA's. I explained how he was always there when someone tried to hurt me, he was always there when my cars blew up, he always took care of me. I told him about when he found me after Stiva locked me up in the cupboard. I told him about how he got to me after Clyde kidnapped me. Then I started to talk about Scrog, but I couldn't do it for some reason. I suddenly felt the panic return.

Dr. Westin changed the subject, getting me to talk about Ranger's apartment again. After I calmed down he told me that he thought Ranger and his space were a safe place in my mind. He asked me if I had spoken to him about how I was feeling or talked to him about staying with him until I felt better. I told him I couldn't do that. Ranger wouldn't appreciate the interruption to his life. He smiled at me softly and told me if all I said about Ranger was true I was wrong, but there was only one way to find out. He gave me homework. He wants me to speak with Ranger about my condition. How embarrassing would that be?

After I told Tank about the session he agreed that I should speak with Ranger. I said no, but he said I needed to do this and would thank him someday. So tonight, Ranger is coming over to Tank's house for dinner. I'm so scared I don't know if I'll be able to eat. I may barf.

**Thanks for the feedback and encouragement you've given me. I love to hear your thoughts on my writing.**