Set after The Kingmaker
The Sun is shining down by JJ Grey and Mofro
23. Pressure
Monster
He can't let her see how much her words affect him. That would prove that the cracks on his walls are growing bigger; because of her. He won't allow her to see the affect she has on him; not if he can help it. Instead, he keeps the agony bottled up inside. Hate, anger, revenge. That's what he lets himself be driven by. Nothing else.
Raymond Reddington was the larger than life father that held a little girl in his arms and kissed a wonderful wife on the cheek when he arrived home from work long ago. Red Reddington is the monster who puts up a facade of confidence and oozes sex appeal. He has no wife or daughter to take the mask off of his hardened face.
He only has that ray of sunshine that evades him at every twist and turn. It feels like he's trying to grasp onto a rope made of sand. She doesn't want him. Doesn't see how much he loves her. Lizzie doesn't realize the hold she has on his heart, or perhaps she purposely ignores how captivated he has become by her. Each morning he wakes up holding his breath until he finally gets his first dose of her; catching a glimpse of her at the Post Office, or some other obscure place he has chosen. And when he does catch sight of that beautiful face, it's like the wind has been knocked out of him and he has fallen down a black abyss, unable to climb back out.
She can't see the power she wields over him. Red thinks perhaps she'll never want to know. Not when she holds the knowledge that he killed Sam.
Frustration floods his heart and his blood boils. He sees red.
The large elegant living room feels as if it's closing in on him. With a roar, he grabs the whiskey bottle sitting beside him on the table and flings its across room. But the sound of the glass shattering into a million little pieces isn't satisfying enough, so he grabs the small table and smashes it against the wall as well; watching as it breaks apart with a crunch.
He falls to his knees and grasps at his head letting an animalistic roar escape his lips. For a moment, he thinks he's heard a wounded animal.
"GOD! DAMN IT!" The words echo around him, making the emptiness of the room all the more noticeable.
Elizabeth Keen has broken him and she can't see it. She's blind to the fact that he loves her. It can't be obsession if it's love, can it?
But now he needs to gain control. The pressure can't explode. Not now. Not when he needs his control the most.
His breathing comes out with small heaves after the explosion of emotion. He leans back on his calves and runs his hand over his face wearily, then gets to his feet with a groan. It's time to make another plan. He needs her.