September 9—230 pm

I woke early this morning with Ranger still in bed with me. We had flipped over some time during the night so he was spooned against my back. I was using his arm as a pillow while his other arm was around my waist, his hand resting just under my breast. I knew the moment he woke, but he didn't move his hand away or move his erection from against my bottom, he was just still. We laid there for a good half hour before I moved my hand over his and laced our fingers together. "Thank you for taking care of me," I whispered to him.

He lifted his head and brought his lips to my neck, kissing me lightly under the ear. Then he just whispered back, "De nada." He finally told me he had to run out for a little bit, but he'd wake me for breakfast when he got home. He kissed my cheek before he left the bed and I dozed back off to sound of his shower running.

I woke again to the smell of bacon. I went into the kitchen just in time to catch Ella bringing in breakfast. She smiled when she saw me and gave me a hug. She told me she was truly excited when Ranger told her I was moving in with him. Then she asked if I was in danger again. That made me wonder how to explain this to everyone. It's not like all the people in the building didn't already know I'd moved in here. Would they be worried I was in physical danger again? Should I say something to the guys? Did Ranger already explain to them? My worries were starting to take over my thoughts.

He came in five minutes later, kissed my cheek, and we sat down for breakfast together. I sat there thinking about all that while we ate, but I didn't bring it up until he was ready to go down to his office. I practically chased him to the door and yelled, "What are you going to tell the guys about me living here?"

I couldn't read the look he gave me, but he finally shrugged, which was weird for Ranger, then he said, "I just told them that we decided to live together." I didn't know what to think about that. On one hand they didn't know about my health issues, but on the other they thought we were, yikes, shacking up (not to steal the idea from Grandma Mazer or anything). Seriously though, yikes. "Listen, if or when you're ready to tell the guys about the situation you can, but our personal lives are none of their business. They won't talk about us outside this building."

So many things started to flood my mind then. What about the respect his guys had for him, wouldn't a live in woman hurt that? What about the time he spent with me, wasn't that taking away from his job? Or his personal life, what if he had to take time away from a girlfriend or lover or some other woman to be with me? All because I was invading his space with my illness. I didn't belong here.

I ran into the closet and started to repack the clothes that Ella had hung up for me last evening. I'd gotten two shirts off the hangers before Ranger lifted me and carried me into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and settled me onto his lap. We just sat for a few minutes until I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't even realized I was having an anxiety attack. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

I tried to find the words, but they were all jumbled and kind of came out like this, "I can't impose on you. The guys, and work, and your, you know, what if, um, you know, you want to see someone, else?"

He picked up my hand, holding it in his before he spoke. "You're not imposing. The guys love you, always have. My office is two floors away and I have nothing extensive planned outside the office for the next few weeks," he assured me. "Maybe when you're feeling up to it you can come along to some of the installation sites or look through some of the prospective clients' properties with me?" That all seemed pretty reasonable and it didn't really scare me, at least not in the abstract. So I told him okay. He smiled then and kissed my forehead before he spoke again. "There is no one else I want to see. You're the only woman that has ever been in my home," he said before correcting, "our home."

I asked him if he was sure. I really, really didn't like the idea of him with another woman, but I had no right to object to it either. At least not one that made sense. I wasn't with him that way so I figured someone was. Guys couldn't just go without sex that long, or at least Joe couldn't. I guess I had no idea what Ranger's sex life was like, but I really didn't want to either. I felt my heart beating erratically again and my chest hurt so badly.

"Stephanie," Ranger said laying me back onto the bed. "Close your eyes and relax. You're having a panic attack." I followed his instructions. "I'm sorry if I rushed things." I shook my head no and told him that wasn't it.

He laid down beside me, turning me so he could rub my back gently. Then he started to tell me how he bought this building. He said it was just a generic office building at the time. He drew up floor plans for each floor and hired a contractor to make the changes he needed. Then he told me he originally put the apartments on four in for Tank, Bobby, and Lester since they were his only employees for the first year or so. He said that this apartment had been the hardest for him to make a floor plan for, but he thought it was functional. I smiled at that, his apartment was more than functional. He told me he had Ella work with the contractor on the colors and materials used inside the apartment, then she went shopping for the furniture. All he had to do was choose between the photos she showed him. Then he kissed my shoulder and told me that this place wasn't a home when he was alone.

I wondered what he meant by that, but I was too scared to ask so I just nodded back at him. When my panic attack started to ebb he asked about my appointment with Dr. Westin. I was due to be there in an hour, so he called Tank and told him that he was going to be offline until after lunch and I'd be with him.

Ranger drove me over to my doctor appointment. Dr. Westin seemed surprised to see us in the waiting room together. He just nodded to Ranger and had me come back and settle in. Then he said that my discussion with Ranger must have gone well. I told him that I didn't actually do much talking.

He asked me to tell him about it. I didn't think there was much to say. Tank made the call and invited him over. I told him a little about the depression and nightmares and Ranger did the rest. He packed me and moved me into his apartment without a second thought.

He nodded like he didn't completely believe what I'd just said, but he moved on by asking how I felt being in Ranger's space. I wasn't really sure how to explain that. I felt a little overwhelmed, not by the space or even Ranger, but by the things I was feeling. I tried to describe it, but it was hard to put words to. It was like all my emotions were bigger, more sensitive or something, and the thoughts mostly turned to worries. Everything was worrying me and there were more thoughts and worries going through my head than I could keep up with. I felt like I couldn't think about one thing, before another was taking over.

He asked me what was worrying me. I said Ranger. I felt like I was imposing and invading his space. I felt like he was going to resent it, but not be able to ask me to leave. I felt like he was going to have to sacrifice his work and personal life to help me. I felt like by just being there I might ruin his relationships with his men or jeopardize his business reputation. Dr. Westin just looked at me like he was waiting for more. I thought I'd shared enough.

When I didn't continue he asked me how Ranger made me feel, like if I forgot about all the things I was worrying about, how Ranger made me feel. At first I told him I didn't know what I felt, but he pushed me. He said to focus on just my honestly feelings, without trying to analyze them or change them, how did he make me feel? I thought about the way he brought me home without question. That made me feel like I was important and special. The way he held me while we watched the movie made me feel cared for. Then the way that he held me in his arms while we slept, that made me feel safe, like the dreams couldn't hurt me. Finally I settled on the time we spent in bed this morning. The way his body felt against mine, the way he held me, the way he looked at me. I couldn't deny the feeling that filled me, I felt loved.

I started laughing when I said that. The doctor wanted me to explain why I thought that was funny. My only answer for that was that I was worried about falling in love with Ranger, because he'd never love me back. I told him I was setting myself up to be hurt.

He wrote something down in his notebook and nodded to me before he spoke again. He asked if I trusted Ranger. I said yes. I always trusted him with secrets or advice or jobs or my life. He nodded to me then and told me that I trusted Ranger in every other way, it was time I thought about why I wouldn't give him the chance to prove he would protect my heart too. I didn't answer him, but I knew I didn't trust anyone enough for that.

After my appointment we went out for lunch. Which ended up being a sub, for me, and a salad, for Ranger, from Pino's. He ordered and ran inside to pick them up. He said he didn't want to share me with the TPD today, which made me smile. Then he drove down to the park and we ate at a picnic table under an oak tree.

We talked about the park itself, mostly how I used to come here with my family after mass on Sundays. It was full of good memories, mostly, there were a few of my mother that weren't the best, but it was my mother. Then we walked down to the pond so I could toss some of my bread to the geese. It was nice and quiet being alone with him. Oddly the quiet helped the voices in my head settled down too.

When we got back Ranger had to go to his office. He invited me along, but I wasn't up for seeing all the guys today. Maybe tomorrow. I figured I'd write my entry here and call Mary Lou back before the kids get home.