Chapter 4
3:10 P.M.
All that was left in the cabin once Kotoko's wailing pleas subsided was an unbearable silence. The front of Naoki's shirt was now wet with Kotoko's tears as she lay there crying silently. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop her tears and now, after crying for what felt like an eternity she was starting to feel tired. She wanted to fall asleep. Weirdly enough there was a sense of acceptance and calmness in Kotoko that had been missing before, expressing herself and then mourning her broken heart in front of the reason for all this mess had been cathartic. For now, all she wanted was to sleep.
Naoki's head was resonating with Kotoko's words. Where Kotoko had found some peace for herself , Naoki was left agitated and helpless. The frailty of human emotions was a nuisance that he had always distanced himself from, he had never experienced any major upheaval in his emotional state so he always found other's emotional reactions artificial and an exaggeration. Though this was not the complete truth. He had not experienced any major upheaval, until Kotoko that is; She made him feel more than anyone else. Not always or majorly positive feelings but she made him feel. She was the one who had directed him towards a goal that for the first time in his life he was passionate about. She was the spark that made him feel but even though she was good at making him human, he was not good at expressing his feelings. What good could it ever achieve. The facts of the situation remains the same and all it does was to leave him exposed and vulnerable. Kotoko drew feelings from him and many times his words too. He had shared with her thoughts that he never saw himself sharing. Yet, he never can seem to talk to her about the thing that was the most important, her. He could never talk to her about his feelings for her. There were no words.
"I cannot think for myself Kotoko. I may not be the most loving son out there but I gladly accept and realize my responsibilities towards my parents. Wants and desires were a mystery that I never understood and now that I do, they are luxury that I cannot afford. To state it simply Pandai is in real trouble and I am the only one who can save it. So, I cannot let myself think about who I love and what I love. When there is a path already laid in front of you and you know there is no other option but to walk upon it, there is no point pinning for the road not taken." Naoki closed his eyes and leaned his head on the wall of elevator as he spoke these words.
Kotoko was startled when Naoki started to speak. The disturbance of his words seemed unnatural. Though, as he continued to speak she was filled with deep sadness for the man in front of her. She didn't understand much of what he implied but a fierce feeling of protectiveness overcame her. She wanted to shield him from everything and anything that brought this undertone of sadness in his voice. This vulnerability felt alien on him.
"Sahoko-san is very beautiful woman and kind woman, Naoki. Once Pandai is back on its feet after you marry her and Uncle has recovered you could still pursue your dream to become a doctor. You can do it and I am sure Sahoko-san would stand by you and support your dream. Nothing is lost, your dreams have just been delayed." Kotoko did her best to alleviate Naoki's sadness. While Naoki saw her absence in the picture she painted as the biggest and most unbearable flaw. He would rather have her and forget being a doctor than the other way around. But he would never say that to her because it would be cruel as it can never come true. He could also not let himself think like this anymore. He needs to discipline his thoughts.
It was at this point when they heard voices of technicians outside and the elevator door was wrenched open. Kotoko and then Naoki were pulled out of the broken down elevator shaft. The light of the day felt harsh like bleach in their eyes. It harshly rubbed out the intimacy of minds that they had found in the elevator cabin. Kotoko looked at Naoki intently and gathering all the courage she had,she hugged him ,standing on the tip of her toes holding onto him tightly. Naoki held her equally close, the tantalizing scent of her hair calmed him. What could have been their future passed through both of their minds, both unwilling to let go. Then, suddenly Kotoko pulled herself away from Naoki as if drenched in cold water and ran, ran away from her only love.
Don't go. Please don't leave me shouted Naoki in his mind. Naoki controlled himself, his face now held the usual blank expression but as he turned to move the words held for so long in his heart broke free , "I love you. I,only, love you" whispered Naoki to the air around him. His mind he could control, his heart not so much.