Gender-Bent Idiots Lantern
I thought we'd be going for the Vegas era, you know the white flares and the, grr, chest hair." Ross said as he exited the TARDIS his hair in a teddy boy quiff.
"You are kidding, aren't you? You want to see Elvis, you go for the late fifties. The time before burgers. When they called him the Pelvis and he still had a waist. What's more, you see him in style." The Doctor rides a scooter out of the Tardis. Shes wearing a blue poodle skirt and a biker style jacket as well as a white crash helmet and shades. She's a Mod, all right.
"You going my way, doll?" "Is there any other way to go, daddy-o? Straight from the fridge, man." Ross replied.
"Hey, you speak the lingo," the Doctor said grinning.
"Oh well, me, mum, Cliff Richard movies every Bank Holiday Monday." He gets on the pillion and puts on a pink crash helmet.
"Ah, Cliff. I knew your mother'd be a Cliff fan." They ride off down the street.
"Where we off to?" Ross asked,
"Ed Sullivan TV Studios. Elvis did Hound Dog on one of the shows. There were loads of complaints. Bit of luck, we'll just catch it," the Doctor told him.
"And that'll be TV studios in, what, New York?"
"That's the one." A red London bus drives past the end of the street. The Doctor pulls up by a red post box and now we see lots of Union Flag bunting strung between the houses.
"Ha! Digging that New York vibe."
"Well, this could still be New York. I mean, this looks very New York to me. Sort of Londony New York, mind."
"What are all the flags for?"
"There you go, sir, all wired up for the great occasion." An electrician said passing a television to someone out of the back of his car.
"The great occasion? What do you mean?" The Doctor asked him.
"Where've you been living, out in the Colonies? Coronation, of course," the Electrician told her. "What Coronation's that then?" the Doctor asked. "What do you mean? The Coronation. "It's the Queen's. Queen Elizabeth." Ross whispered to the Doctor. "Oh! Is this 1953?" "Last time I looked. Time for a lovely bit of pomp and circumstance, what we do best." "Look at all the TV aerials. Looks like everyone's got one. That's weird. My nan said tellies were so rare they all had to pile into one house." "Not around here, love. Magpie's Marvellous Tellies, only five quid a pop." The electrician who we now know to be called Magpie. Oh, but this is a brilliant year. Classic! Technicolour, Everest climbed, everything of the ration. The nation throwing off the shadows of war and looking forward to a happier, brighter future," the Doctor said beaming. "Someone help me, please! Ted!" a woman yelled as two burly men in black suits bundle a person into the back of a car, with a blanket over his head. "Leave him alone! He's my husband! Please." "What's going on?" the Doctor asked A teen runs out of the house. "Oi, what are you doing?" "Police business. Now, get out of the way, sir." The police man answered. "Who did they take? Do you know him?" Ross asked the teen, "Must be Mister Gallagher." He answered as the car drives away. "It's happening all over the place. They're turning into monsters." "Tommy! Not one word! Get inside now!" "Sorry. I'd better do as he says" The Doctor and Ross get back on the moped. "All aboard!" the Doctor said. The police car drives down an apparent dead end. A pair of gates with an Offices to Let on them open to let it in, then a couple of men push a vegetable barrow in front of it to block the way. "Lost them. How'd they get away from us?" the Doctor said turning to look at Ross. "Surprised they didn't turn back and arrest you for reckless driving. Have you actually passed your test?" "Men in black? Vanishing police cars? This is Churchill's England, not Stalin's Russia." "Monsters, that boy said. Maybe we should go and ask the neighbours." "That's what I like about you. The domestic approach." "Thank you. Hold on, was that an insult? Whoa!" The Doctor zooms off again. The Doctor and Ross knock on Tommys door and when it's opens say "Hi!" in synchrony. "Who are you, then?" Tommy's father said. "Let's see, then. Judging by the look of you, family man, nice house, decent wage, fought in the war, therefore I represent Queen and country," the Doctor holds up the psychic paper. "Just doing a little check of Her forthcoming Majesty's subjects before the great day. Don't mind if I come in? Nah, I didn't think you did. Thank you," they walk into the living room, "Not bad. Very nice. Very well kept. I'd like to congratulate you, Mrs?" "Connolly," The woman said. "Now then, Rita. I can handle this. This woman's a proper representative. Don't mind the wife, she rattles on a bit." "Well, maybe she should rattle on a bit more. I'm not convinced you're doing your patriotic duty. Nice flags. Why are they not flying?" "There we are Rita, I told you, Get them up. Queen and country," "I'm sorry," Rita said. "Get it done. Do it now," "Hold on a minute." "Like the woman says." "Hold on a minute. You've got hands, Mister Connolly. Two big hands. So why is that your wife's job?" "Well, it's housework, innit?" "And that's a woman's job?" "Of course it is," "Mister Connolly, what gender is the Queen?" "She's a female," "And are you suggesting the Queen does the housework?" "No. Not at all," "Then get busy." "Right. Yes, sir. You'll be proud of us, sir. We'll have Union Jacks left, right and centre," "Excuse me, Mister Connolly. Hang on a minute. Union Jacks?" Ross said. "Yes, that's right, isn't it? ROSE: That's the Union Flag. It's the Union Jack only when it's flown at sea," "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, I do apologise." "Well, don't get it wrong again, there's a good man. Now get to it!" "Right then! Nice and comfy, at Her Majesty's leisure. Union Flag?" the Doctor whispers to Ross as they settle on the sofa. "Mum went out with a sailor," Ross informed him. "Oh ho ho ho. I bet she did. Anyway, I'm the Doctor and this is Rose, and you are?" "Tommy." The teen said "Well, sit yourself down, Tommy. Have a look at this. I love telly, don't you?" "Yeah, I think it's brilliant." "Good man!" The man on the TV is showing the viewers the vertebra of an ichthyosaurus. "Keep working, Mister C! Now, why don't you tell me what's wrong?" the Doctor said turning to Rita "Did you say you were a doctor?" Rita asked her. "Yes, I am." "Can you help her? Oh please, can you help her, Doctor?" "Now then, Rita. I don't think the woman needs to know" "No, the gentleman does," "Tell us what's wrong, and we can help," Ross said and Rita bursts into tears. Ross goes to comfort her. "I'm sorry. It's all right. Come here. It's okay." "Hold on a minute. Queen and country's one thing, but this is my house! What the?" He throws the bunting down. "What the hell am I doing? Now you listen here, Doctor. You may have fancy qualifications, but what goes on under my roof is my business," "A lot of people are being bundled into…" the Doctor tried to interrupt but Eddie shouted "I am talking!" "AND I'M NOT LISTENING! Now you, Mister Connolly, you are staring into a deep, dark pit of trouble if you don't let me help. So I'm ordering you, sir! Tell me what's going on!" There was the sound of thumping. "She won't stop. She never stops." Eddie told her "We started hearing stories, all round the place. People who've changed. Families keeping it secret because they were scared. Then the police started finding out. We don't know how, no one does. They just turn up, come to the door and take them, any time of the day or night." Tommy told the Doctor "Show me." She demanded They get to the Gran's room it is dark. "Gran? It's Tommy. It's all right, Gran. I've brought help," Tommy turns the light on. The old woman is standing there with no eyes, nose or mouth. A black car pulls up outside. "Her face is completely gone," she uses the sonic screwdriver. "Scarcely an electrical impulse left. Almost complete neural shutdown. She's ticking over. It's like her brain has been wiped clean." "What're we going to do, Doctor? We can't even feed her." Someone breaks down the front door and Ross yells "We've got company" "It's them. They've come for her!" Rita says starting to panic. "Quickly. What was she doing before this happened? Where was she? Tell me. Quickly, think!" "I can't think! She doesn't leave the house! She was just…" Tommy was interrupted as burly men in black burst in. "Hold on a minute. There are three important, brilliant, and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One…" The Doctor gets punched in the face. "Doctor!" Ross shouts The men throw a blanket over Gran and bundle her out while Ross tries to wake the Doctor up. "Leave her alone! No!" "Doctor!" The men get to the staircase "Don't hurt her!" The men get to the front door "Back inside, Rita." Eddie tells her. "She's my mother." "Back inside now, I said." Gran is bundled into the car. Back in Gran's room the Doctor suddenly sits up, nearly head butting Ross. "Ah, hell of a right hook. Have to watch out for that." "Don't fight it. Back inside." Eddie yells. "Ross, come on!" "Get back inside!" Eddie yells again. Ross stops at the living room door and sees red energy coming from the television set. "But Dad, they took her!" "Don't fight it, son. Don't fight it." "Ross, we're going to lose them again!" "Dad, they took her! That was Gran and they took her!" "Come on, back inside, now." The Doctor rides off. Ross turns the set around to see the last of the energy disappearing into the aerial connection. He sees the supplier's label, too. "Anyway, how did they find her? Who told them" Tommy asks. "You! Get the hell out of my house!" Eddie yells at Ross "I'm going. I'm done. Nice to meet you, Tommy, Mrs Connolly. And as for you, Mister Connolly, only an idiot hangs the Union Flag upside down. Shame on you!" Ross gives them his signature tongue in teeth grin. Outside the yard the Doctor setts off and this time is quick enough to see the tail end of Operation Market Stall. "Oh, very good. Very good." She goes exploring, and uses the sonic screwdriver to open a small door in the big gates. In the yard, he sees the two burly men padlock a wire door and walk off. The Doctor goes over and unlocks it. He goes into an area with large cages and opens one. It is full of blank people, who occasionally clench their fists. They turn towards the light of her torch, then someone switches on a pair of searchlights. "Stay where you are." At Magpie's Electricals a weird test signal is on the sets. Ross enters. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'm afraid you're too late. I was just about to lock the door." "Yeah? Well, I want to buy a telly." "Come back tomorrow, please." "You'll be closed, won't you?" "What?" "For the big day? The coronation." "Yes, yes, of course. The big day. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to watch it. Please go," "Seems to me half of London's got a television, since you're practically giving them away." "I have my reasons." "And what are they?" A woman's face appears on just one screen. "Hungry! Hungry!" it says. "What's that?" Ross asks "It's just a television. One of these modern programmes. Now, I really do think you should leave. Right now," "Not until you've answered my questions. How come's your televisions are so cheap?" "It's my patriotic duty. Seems only right that as many folk as possible get to watch the coronation. We may be losing the Empire but we can still be proud. Twenty million people they reckon'll be watching. Imagine that. And twenty million people can't be wrong, eh, so why don't you get yourself back home and get up, bright and early, for the big day." "Nah, I'm not leaving till I've seen everything." "I need to close." "Mister Magpie, something's happening out there. Ordinary people are being struck down and changed, and the only new thing in the house is a television. Your television. What's going on?" "I knew this would happen. I knew I'd be found out." He locks the shop door. "All right, then, it's just you and me. You going to come clean, then? What's really in it for you?" "For me? Perhaps some peace." "From what?" "From her," "That's just a woman on the telly. That's just a programme." "What a pretty little boy," "Oh, my God. Are you talking to me?" "Yes I'm talking to you, little one. Unseasonably chilly for the time of year, don't you think?" "What are you?" "I'm the Wire, and I'm hungry!" Energy lances out and grabs Ross's face. "Magpie, help me!" "Just think of that audience tomorrow, my dear, all settling down to watch the coronation. Twenty million people. Things will never be the same again. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "Help me." "Goodnight, children, everywhere." The police office is in the derelict building, with broken windows. "Start from the beginning. Tell me everything you know." "Well, for starters, I know you can't wrap your hand around your elbow and make your fingers meet." "Don't get clever with me. You were there today at Florizel Street, and now breaking into this establishment. Now you're connected with this. Make no mistake." "Well, the thing is, Detective Inspector Bishop." "How do you know my name?" "It's written inside your collar. Bless your mum. But I can't help thinking, Detective Inspector, you're not exactly doing much detective inspecting, are you?" "I'm doing everything in my power." "All you're doing is grabbing those faceless people and hiding them as fast as you can. Don't tell me orders from above, hmm? Coronation Day. The eyes of the world are on London Town so any sort of problem just gets swept out of sight." "The nation has an imagine to maintain." "But doesn't it drive you mad, doing nothing? Don't you want to get out there and investigate," "Of course I do. But, with all the crowds expected, we haven't got the man power. Even if we did, this is beyond anything we've ever seen. I just don't know anymore. Twenty years on the force, I don't even know where to start. We haven't the faintest clue what's going on." "Well, that could change. BISHOP: How? DOCTOR: Start from the beginning. Tell me everything you know." Another person is delivered to the holding area. "We started finding them about a month ago. Persons left sans visage. Heads just blank." "Is there any sort of pattern?" "Yes, spreading out from North London. All over the city. Men, women, kids, grannies. The only real lead is there's been quite a large number in…" "Florizel Street." the Doctor finished. "Found another one, sir." The police officer said. "Oh, er, good man, Crabtree. Here we are, Doctor. Take a good look. See what you can deduce." The pink trainers and jeans tell us even before Crabtree takes the blanket off. "Ross" the Doctor mutters to herself. "You know her?" "Know him, he's…" "They found her in the street, apparently, over by the Square, abandoned." Crabtree told Inspector Bishop. "That's unusual. That's the first one out in the open. Heaven help us if something happens in public tomorrow for the big day. We'll have Torchwood on our backs then, make no mistake." "They did what?" the Doctor said dangerously "I'm sorry?" "They left him where?" "Just in the street." "In the street. They left him in the street. They took his face and just chucked him out and left him in the street. And as a result, that makes things simple. Very, very simple. Do you know why?" "No." "Because now, Detective Inspector Bishop, THERE IS NO POWER ON THIS EARTH THAT CAN STOP ME. COME ON!" the Doctor yelled. Outside the warehouse BISHOP said "The big day dawns." The Doctor knocks on the Connolly's front door, Tommy answers it and the Doctor says to him "Tommy, talk to me. I need to know exactly what happened inside your house." "What the blazes do you think you're doing?"Eddie asked. "I want to help, dad." "Mister Connolly," "Shut your face, you, whoever you are. We can handle this ourselves. Listen, you little twerp. You're hardly out of the blooming' cradle, so I don't expect you to understand. But I've got a position to maintain. People round here respect me. It matters what people think." "Is that why you did it, dad?" "What do you mean? Did what?" "You ratted on Gran. How else would the police know where to look, unless some coward told them," "How dare you! Do you think I fought a war just so a mouthy little scum like you could call me a coward?" "You don't get it, do you? You fought against fascism, remember? People telling you how to live, who you could be friends with, who you could fall in love with, who could live and who had to die. Don't you get it? You were fighting so that little twerps like me could do what we want, say what we want. Now you've become just like them. You've been informing on everyone, haven't you? Even Gran. All to protect your precious reputation." "Eddie is that true?" Rita asked. "I did it for us, Rita. She was filthy. A filthy, disgusting thing!" "She's my mother. All the others you informed on, all the people in our street, our friends." "I had to. I, I did the right thing." "The right thing for us or for you, Eddie? You go, Tommy. Go with the Doctor and do some good. Get away from this house, it's poison. We had a ruddy monster under this roof, all right, but it weren't my mother!" Rita slams the door shut on Eddie. "Rita!" "Tommy, tell me about that night. The night she changed." "She was just watching the telly." "Rose said it. She guessed it straight away. Of course she did. All these aerials in one little street. How come?" "Bloke up the road, Mister Magpie, he's selling them cheap." "Is he, now?" Detective Inspector Bishop says. "Come on!" The Doctor breaks into Magpies Eletricals "Here, you can't do that DOCTOR" Bishop says, "Shop! If you're here, come out and talk to me! Magpie!" the Doctor yells. "Maybe he's out." "Looks like it," The Doctor searches the drawers of the counter and finds a portable television. "Oh, hello. This isn't right. This is very much not right. Tastes like iron. Bakelite. Put together with human hands, yes, but the design itself. Oh, beautiful work. That is so simple," "That's incredible. It's like a television, but portable. A portable television." Says an amazed Bishop. The Doctor raises her sonic screwdriver and says "It's not the only power source in this room." The television screens each light up with a different face mouthing help me. "Gran?" Tommy says to the face of his Gran. The screen with Ross on it is the only one not mouthing hell, instead he is mouthing Doctor. "I'm on my way." The Doctor says to him. Magpie comes in from the back and says "What do you think you're doing?" "I want my friend restored, and I think that's beyond a little backstreet electrician, so tell me, who's really in charge here?" "Yoo-hoo! I think that must be me. Ooh, this one's smart as paint." The telly woman says. "Is she talking to us?" Bishop asks. "I'm sorry, gentlemen, lady I'm afraid you've brought this on yourselves. May I introduce you to my new friend." Magpie says. "Jolly nice to meet you." Telly woman says. "Oh my God, it's her, that woman off the telly," Bishop says. "No, it's just using her image," the Doctor says. "What? What are you?" Tommy asks, "I'm the Wire, and I will gobble you up, pretty boy. Every last morsel. And when I have feasted, I shall regain the corporeal body, which my fellow kind denied me." The black and white image transforms and Bishop says "Good Lord. Colour television!" "So your own people tried to stop you?" the Doctor says. "They executed me. But I escaped in this form and fled across the stars." "And now you're trapped in the television." "Not for much longer." "Doctor, is this what got my Gran?" "Yes, Tommy. It feeds off the electrical activity of the brain, but it gorges itself like a great overfed pig, taking people's faces, their essences. It stuffs itself." "And you let her do it, Magpie." "I had to. She allowed me my face. She's promised to release me at the time of manifestation." "What does that mean?" "The appointed time. My crowning glory." "Doctor, the coronation!" "For the first time in history, millions gathered around a television set. But you're not strong enough yet, are you? You can't do it all from here. That's why you need this. You need something more powerful! This will turn a big transmitter into a big receiver." "What a clever thing you are! But why fret about it? Why not just relax? Kick off your shoes and enjoy the Coronation. Believe me, you'll be glued to the screen." Energy lances out at them. "Doctor!" Bishop says. "Hungry! Hungry! The Wire is hungry! Ah, this one is tasty. Oh, I'll have lashings of him! Delicious!" The Doctor starts to finger the sonic screwdriver. "Ah! Armed. He's armed and clever. Withdraw! Withdraw!" They three all collapse. "The box, Magpie! The box!" Bishop's face is blank. Magpie grabs the portable. "Hold tight." The Wire zaps herself into the portable television. Conduct me to my victory Magpie." "Hungry! Hungry! Feed me!" The Doctor wakes, and sees the blank policeman. "Tommy, wake up. Tommy, come on!" "What happened?" "Where's Magpie?" "We don't even know where to start looking. It's too late." "It's never too late, as a wise person once said. Kylie, I think. The Wire's got big plans. It'll need. Yes, yes, yes, it's got to harvest half the population. Millions and millions of people and where are we?" "Muswell Hill." "Muswell Hill. Muswell Hill! Which means Alexandra Palace, biggest TV transmitter in North London. Oh, that's why it chose this place. Tommy?" "What are you going to do?" "We're going shopping." Tommy finds a big valve. "Is this what you want?" "Perfect! Right, I need one more thing." He gives Tommy the collection of parts and runs outside to the TARDIS and returns saying "Got it. Let's go." "As Princess Elizabeth arrives at the Abbey, Magpie makes his way up the transmitter mast. The Doctor is building a contraption while he and Tommy run through the streets. "I cant do this! Please, please don't make me" Magpie says to the Wire. "The time is at hand. Feed me! Feed me!" She replies. "There!" Tommy says. "Come on!" the Doctor says. "Wait, wait, wait! Where do you think" a guard say but the Doctor shows him the psychic paper and the guard says "Oh! I'm very sorry, Marm. Shouldn't you be at the Coronation?" "They're saving mea seat," the Doctor tells him. "Who did he think you were?" "Queen of Belgium, apparently." "Keep this switched on. Don't let anyone stop you, Tommy. Everything depends on it. You understand?" The Doctor takes a coil of copper wire. The Doctor runs to the transmitter as the Princess processes down the aisle. The guard from earlier says "You'll get yourself killed up there! Your Majesty!" Magpie reaches the top of the mast and attaches the portable television. "Feed me!" the Wire screamed He plugs her in and red energy fills the little screen then streams out from the top of the mast to all the nearby aerials. It starts to suck off the happy faces of the viewers in the Connelly household. "Oh. Feast. Feasting The Wire is feasting." The Doctor reaches the top of the transmitter mast. "It's too late! It's too late for all of us!" "I shall consume you, Doctor." "I won't let you do this, Magpie!" "Help me, Doctor. It burns. It took my face, my soul." "You cannot stop the Wire. Soon I shall become manifest." Said the Wire who had begun to talk about herself in the third person. "No more of this. You promised me peace!" "And peace you shall have." Magpie is zapped into atoms. "Been burning the candle at both ends? You've overextended yourself, Missis. You shouldn't have had a crack at poor old Magpie there." The Doctor manages to get hold of the portable television without being electrocuted. "Rubber soles, swear by them!" She plugs in his cable, and valves blow down in the control room. "Oh dear. Has our little plan gone horribly wrong, Doctor?" Tommy gets a replacement valve from the store. And the red energy retreats back to the mast, and into the portable television. "No!" The Wire yells because the people still have their faces. "It's close down, I'm afraid, and no epilogue." The Wire screams, then the screen goes blank. In the holding area, everyone has been restored to normal. "What have I missed?" the Doctor asked Tommy after she got back to the control room. "Doctor! What happened?" "Sorted. Electrical creature, TV technology, clever alien life form. That's me by the way. I turned the receiver back into a transmitter and I trapped the Wire in here." Her contraption turns out to be a VCR "I just invented the home video thirty years early. Betamax. Oh, look. God save the Queen, eh?" Queen Elizabeth the Second waves at the crowd from the balcony of Buckingham Palace. "Oh, it's my grandson, Oh, son!" Tommy and his gran embrace the Doctor hugs Ross. "We could go down the Mall, join in with the crowds." Ross says. "Nah, that's just pomp and circumstance. This is history right here." "The domestic approach." "Exactly." "Will it, that thing, is it trapped for good on video?" "Hope so. Just to be on the safe side though, I'll use my unrivalled knowledge of transtemporal extirpation methods to neutralise the residual electronic pattern." "You what?" "I'm going to tape over it." "Just leave it to me. I'm always doing that." "Tell you what, Tommy, you can have the scooter. Little present. Best, er, keep it in the garage for a few years though, eh?" (Eddie leaves the house in his overcoat. "Good riddance." Rita and her mother hug as Eddie walks off. "Is that it, then, Tommy? New monarch, new age, new world. No room to for a man like Eddie Connelly." "That's right. He deserves it." "Tommy, go after him." Ross says. "What for?" "He's your dad." "He's an idiot." "Of course he is. Like I said, he's your dad. But you're clever. Clever enough to save the world, so don't stop there. Go on." Tommy runs over to his father and carries his suitcase for him. The Doctor hands Rose a glass of orange and they drink a toast.
There, that's finished. I enjoyed writing that more than I thought I would, I wasn't particularly happy with the idea but it was suggested to me and I am very glad I tried it because it was fun. I hope you have a nice day.
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