**Author's notes...I feel like this was a really long chapter, but I wanted to get it all out there at once. I think Stephanie is finally starting to face some truths she's been hiding from here, even if she's still hiding from all the emotions that come with the truth, but I wanted to end this chapter on a positive note. Again, thank you for the reviews and support. There are mentions of things that happened in some of the later books in this chapter, though I don't think it's a spoiler to the stories as a whole, but there is the warning.**
September 15…3pm
Ranger actually let me sleep in today, waking me just after eight. It had been a long and draining night. I knew we had both slept poorly, but I was still surprised to find him in bed with me that late in the day. Even on a few hours sleep, he never missed his work outs.
We didn't talk about what happened the night before. We both seemed to tip toe around it. I kind of wondered if he was afraid to leave me in the apartment alone, but I figured we'd talk about that when he was ready. All he said to me this morning was that he cleared his schedule and he was going to see Dr. Westin with me. So we showered, grabbed a bagel, and headed over for my ten o'clock.
I went into my session today ready for Dr. Westin to get on my ass about not telling him about the recurring suicidal thoughts I'd been having, but that's not how the session shaped up at all.
He said he wanted to talk to me about why I felt like I was an embarrassment and a disappointment to the people in my life. I laughed at him and told him that I didn't think, I knew I was an embarrassment because I'd been called one my entire life. He asked me if I remembered the first time I was told I was an embarrassment.
I shook my head yes. I think I remembered every time I'd been called an embarrassment or some version of it. He asked me if I could tell him about how it happened. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to talk about it, but just thinking about it had it right there, in the front of my mind. I could see it and feel it happening again. Dr. Westin told me to breathe through it. He did some deep breathing that I imitated. Then he asked me again to share the memory with him. I shook my head no. Then he asked if it had been my mother that had called me names. I shook my head yes. He asked me if I was a small child at the time. I shook my head yes again. Then he spoke softly, he asked me if I'd ever told anyone about the things she said to me. I shook my head no then. He went on then, telling me that I was safe there and that no one would know what she'd said to me, except me and him. He said he needed me to talk about it or he couldn't help me fight my feelings. I shook my head no again. I didn't think I could do it. He told me that I could do it. That I had to help him help me. He couldn't do this alone. I shook my head yes then. He asked me if I wanted to fight, if I wanted to get better. I did, I wanted to fight. I had to. I promised Ranger I would fight. So he asked me to tell him about that first time again. I took another large breath and swallowed hard before I started to talk quietly, telling him what had happened.
You wouldn't think it would be something I'd remember considering it happened twenty-eight years ago, but it was right there just like it was yesterday. I was playing with some of the neighborhood girls, including my sister Valerie and my best friend Mary Lou. They all had strollers with baby dolls they were pushing around the block. My mom forced me to take the stroller and doll she bought me too, but I didn't want to play mommy. So I dumped my stroller and took the doll and tossed her up into a tree. I was going to save her from the tree with my superpowers. So I tucked my dress into my panties, I needed to look like Wonder Woman, and climbed the tree. Of course my mom had gotten ten phone calls before I was even halfway up the tree. I was hauled down by my shrieking mother as she screamed at me that I was nothing but an embarrassment. None of the other little girls tried to scale trees like a boy, especially with their panties showing. I was a disgrace.
Dr. Westin asked if I was trying to embarrass my mother when I climbed the tree. I shook my head no. I was just being myself. Every time I tried to be myself she would act like I was ruining her life. She shrieked about her embarrassment and what the neighborhood would think and the phone calls she received. She never cared that I was happiest when I was having those adventures, she just hated that I wasn't like my sister.
I guess that was just another embarrassment in a long list of times I disappointed that woman. To Mother, I never acted the way a Burg girl should act. Everything I did was an embarrassment to her. I couldn't even play with my friends without destroying her day. I would choose a male profession when we were playing house, Mary Lou would be the mom and I'd go to work and chase bad guys. I'd be Peter Pan and she'd be Wendy. She'd be Sleeping Beauty and I'd have the sword to slay the dragon and save her. All of it was an embarrassment to my mother.
Dr. Westin asked if she ever hit me or physically punished me for my behavior. I said no. It was always yelling, crying, telling me that I was stupid or embarrassing or disappointing. The worst punishment she gave me as a child was probably after I jumped off the roof and broke my arm. I think she was ready to ship me off somewhere after that, but instead she just locked me in my room for a week.
Dr. Westin asked me if being locked in my room had made me feel worse than the yelling. I said no. The yelling was worse. Then he asked me if I remembered the worst she ever made me feel as a child. I did. It was probably when I followed Joe Morelli into his garage when I was six. He molested me that day.
Dr. Westin stopped me and asked me about what happened in Morelli's garage. I shrugged at him then. I'd been warned not to go over there, because he was trouble and was doing things that weren't 'right'. I didn't listen though. I went over there and he took me into the garage, told me he wanted to teach me a new game called Choo Choo. He took my panties off, crawled under my dress, and put his finger inside of me. Over and over.
Dr. Westin asked me how that made me feel. It made me feel yucky and scared at the time, but when my mother found out she yelled at me and made me swear to never tell anyone that I had been there. She didn't want the entire neighborhood talking about me going into that garage. She yelled at me that I was told not to go there, but did it anyway. She told me that if I would behave like a lady, then men wouldn't be tempted to touch me like I was a whore. I didn't know what a whore was, I was six, but the words remained stuck in my head since. I guess that had made me feel even worse, like I had done something so horrible that she was embarrassed again. I was really ashamed and had kept it to myself for a long time.
Then he asked if Morelli had molested me on any other occasions. He hadn't done that again. I learned not to go back over there when I was little, but we had sex when I was sixteen.
Dr. Westin asked me if we had been dating at the time. We hadn't been dating. I still wasn't sure why I gave into him. I guess part of me wanted to know what it was like to be a slut or a whore. I had been called one for years, but had never even had sex. He asked me to explain to him why I was called a whore. I shrugged then.
I guess in junior high things between my mother and I had gotten even worse. The other girls my age started to go on dates and asked their mom's for preppy Gap clothes. I decided I was into heavy metal music and fast cars, not the guys that drove them. She was so embarrassed by my man shoes and black clothing that she didn't want to be seen in public with me, which wasn't all that awful for me. When I told her that I was going over to the Morelli's house one day, I think she was relieved that I was seeing a boy, later when I came home covered in oil she realized that I'd only been there to see Anthony pull the motor from his car, it was fascinating. I was grounded and screamed at over and over for acting like a man. She told me that it was embarrassing that her daughter knew how to change oil in a car, but couldn't bake a cake. She told me a few times she wished I had been born a boy.
Dr. Westin wrote something down and then asked me when I changed my appearance, I guess it was clear that I didn't dress like a boy anymore. I remembered my mother's comments echoing through my head while some boys a few years older than me started to harass me, calling me a dyke. I was sick of being called names and teased by everyone around me. I know being gay isn't something to be ashamed of, but I wasn't gay and the name calling really hurt me. I guess that was it for me.
I was fifteen at the time of metamorphosis. Just after starting high school I turned myself into a Jersey girl. The man shoes were traded for FMP's and my pony tail was traded for four inch mall bangs and mascara. I started climbing out the bathroom window to meet Mary Lou. We'd sneak out and party with some of the local boys. By then my tomboy image was buried behind the short skirt of my twirler uniform, bright lipstick, and nail polish. I'd only had one boyfriend before the night with Morelli, but I wasn't completely innocent. I never left a party alone, I was kissed and felt up by a dozen different classmates between freshman and sophomore years.
Of course my mother told me my behavior was inappropriate. I was acting like a slut and the neighbors were talking about me. She couldn't go anywhere without being embarrassed by the talk of me whoring with some boy or another. She finally told me that the only good thing to come of me being loose with boys was that the neighbors knew I wasn't into women. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't think about trying to be a lesbian at that point, just to piss my mother off, but I just didn't swing that way. Then again, by the way she hissed about me being a whore I would have thought being gay would have been preferable, but I guess there is no making her happy.
I remember the night the shit really hit the fan. She caught me making out with Carl Costanza after one of the neighbors called to tell her we'd been in his car for fifteen minutes. I was grounded after that, locked in my room with no telephone or TV. I needed to think about my behavior.
Maybe it was her constant name calling and harassment that pushed me back to Joe Morelli. If I wanted to prove to her just how slutty I was there was one sure fire way to do it. Fucking Joe Morelli was a rite of passage for any Burg slut. When he hit on me I wasn't interested, but in the back of my mind I just kept hearing my mother tell me how disappointed she was with my reputation. I think that's what made me decide to have sex with him. He fucked me on the floor of the bakery I was working at and when he was done there were no sweet words or promises of love like I always imagined there would be. He just pulled up his pants and said, "See ya around, Cupcake." He left me there on the floor.
Dr. Westin nodded to me and asked what happened after I'd had sex with Morelli. I felt so humiliated and used afterward and so ashamed of myself. I just went home and cried and hoped no one would find out, but that didn't happen.
I found out the next day he wrote all about fucking me at the bakery on walls all over The Burg. Everyone read it and everyone knew what happened between us. I didn't date anyone else the entire time I was in high school because of it. The guys all thought I was a whore like Morelli said and expected as much from me. I thought he ruined my life at the time, he just made me feel so cheap and dirty.
By the time I had gotten up my mother had heard the same story. She slapped me across the face and called me a stupid little slut. She couldn't believe that I hadn't learned my lesson to stay away from that boy. She kept telling me about how many phone calls she'd gotten, how many times people from church told her they'd pray for her slut of a daughter, and how many disapproving looks she'd gotten from women at the deli. She was truly disappointed by me and the latest embarrassment I'd caused.
Dr. Westin asked me how I dealt with her anger. I had gotten used to it by then, I guess. Part of me really started to hate Joe Morelli for what he did to me. I guess I blamed him for all the hurt. Three years later, when I saw him standing on the sidewalk, full of swagger just like always, I lost it. All the emotions I'd had bottled up inside of me burst. I didn't realized what I was doing. I just hit the gas on my dad's car and jumped the curb, driving straight toward him. In the end I'm glad I didn't kill him. I just broke his leg in a few places. The bad part is, it didn't really make me feel any better. I still heard my mother's cries of shame.
Not only didn't I feel better after I hit him, but I was even more of an embarrassment then. Not only was her daughter The Burg slut for fucking around with Morelli, but after I hit him with the car I was crazy too. She threatened to disown me at that point. She couldn't take the gossip about me. She was so embarrassed by me and my behavior.
Dr. Westin asked me why she hadn't gone through with her threat to disown me if she was so upset by my constant embarrassment. I shrugged then. I was probably because I gave up after that. I was so miserable and disappointed with myself for letting Joe use me that I began to think my mother was right. I stopped running around with boys. I went to college. Eventually I found a man to marry me like my sister did. I wasn't happy, but my mother was. I guess that's when I decided it didn't matter how I felt, I just messed everything up when I did things my way anyway. So I let her talk me into marrying The Dick. She was never happier than when I was married to him.
Dr. Westin asked if things changed with my mother when my marriage dissolved. I thought through the divorce from The Dick and how she'd been so pissed at me for filing for divorce. She didn't understand how I couldn't allow my husband to have his affairs, all men in The Burg did. As long as we were both quiet about it no one would talk about it. I didn't give a shit if people talked about it. I wasn't going to stay with a man that treated me like shit. She couldn't stand that my name was a topic again. She was embarrassed by my behavior during the divorce so badly that she immediately started to find new men for me to marry.
Dr. Westin asked me how I felt about that. I rolled my eyes then. I wasn't about to get married and go through that again. Once was enough for this lifetime. Then he asked me if things changed after that, if I stopped giving into her demands after the divorce.
I guess things changed a little. I haven't completely broken away from her. I wish I could. She's still trying to push me into marrying someone that will take care of me or trying to find me a job that's safe. She doesn't like the embarrassment that my job causes. She's almost as bad as Joe.
She's broken me down a few times to the point where I thought she may have been right, but I haven't allowed her to win again. Part of me wonders if giving in and marrying Joe would be the same as when I allowed her to talk me into marrying The Dick. Maybe that's why I'd never take the next step with him.
Dr. Westin's next question was how does Ranger fit into what you've told me? I bit my lip while I thought about that question. He doesn't fit into it. He doesn't fit into any of my mother's plans. He isn't an option as far as being a husband, at least in her eyes, he's not the typical, blue collar, Italian, Burg man. Dr. Westin asked if Ranger lacking those things was a deal breaker in my book. I laughed then, I think the laugh surprised him. The only deal breaker in my book as far as Ranger was concerned was the fact that he didn't want me that way.
He asked if Ranger ever treated me like an embarrassment. I shook my head no. He's never told me that something I had done embarrassed him. Hell, he'd hugged me when I was covered in garbage. He's let me ride in his car when I smelled up the entire police station. I've been at my absolute worst, burned hair, bruises, and bags under my eyes and he's told me he wanted me, and I believed him. I've blown up his cars, accidently, and all he did was give me another car. He's never judged me or treated me differently, he was just always there for me.
He asked me then how having Ranger and my mother together last night affected me. He surprised me with that question. It wasn't good.
Last night had been pure hell. The dinner with my parent's was a disaster. I don't know why I gave in to her demands to see me, but for some reason I can't tell her no or stay away from her. I should have known that she wouldn't be able to keep her comments to herself though.
Right from the start I saw her eyeballing Ranger and me, looking us over disapprovingly. I don't even know what reason she had to look at him that way. His hair was cut short and styled nicely, he was wearing those sexy designer jeans of his with a tight fitting polo shirt that was red, not black or anything. He didn't have any weapons, visible, on his body. We just looked like a nice, normal couple, at least in my eyes.
We got their drinks from the kitchen together. He could tell I was upset so he hugged me. It was one of the few things that could calm me so I hugged him back and kissed his neck before letting go. The look on my mother's face was somewhere between rage and disgust. She just narrowed her eyes at him, but he didn't seem to notice.
After she moved on from glaring at Ranger she went to staring at the apartment. I could have hit him when he suggested I show her around the apartment. I didn't want her seeing our home. Luckily, Grandma Mazur came along so she kept the majority of her comments to herself.
She looked at the granite counters and high end kitchen appliances and said it was a shame I couldn't cook since it was clearly made for a woman that could cook. Then I'd shown them the bedroom. Grandma was in heaven, she looked around 'Ranger's love den' and wanted to know if that's where he made the magic happen. I wish. Mother just looked back and forth, avoiding the bed like it had cooties or something. I felt myself roll my eyes when she commented that it was very clean.
Grandma was just as excited about the bathroom, leaning into the shower to inhale his shower gel. She sighed and did a little eyebrow wagging. I didn't blame her, that stuff still had that effect on me. Mother still didn't say much, just that he must have paid an arm and a leg to the designer he had do the place. I shrugged back, I'd never asked.
Next I led them through to the dressing room. Grandma's eyes lit up and she nearly yelled, "Well, hot damn." She started looking through the dresses and shoes that were in their spots before moving on to look at his suits and ties. My mother looked at me and made a 'tst' sound. So I asked what that meant. She just pulled out a dress and asked me what I had to do for a wardrobe like that. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, but the anger didn't subside. I didn't like that she was calling me a whore again. Grandma didn't either, she told Mother to shut it and told me that I was a lucky girl. I thought so too.
After a peek into the home office I took them back out to the living room while I went to get the salads started. Ranger came in to help me carry the bowls out to the table. I wish we could have just snuck away together right then.
Dinner was much of the same, comments about me not being able to cook or keep a house. Hinting that I'd be a terrible wife. I wanted to scream at her and ask if I was so terrible that Ranger shouldn't want me, why would any man want me then. But I didn't.
Ranger took over the conversation, answering for me, and shutting down her criticism. Okay, so he told her that her housewife duties were mundane and that he had 'help' to do those things for me, like I was too good for it. I did enjoy the look on her face when he said that.
After dinner though he was called out of the room and she struck with full force. As soon as no one else was in ear shot she started going on about how disappointing it was that her daughter was lowering herself to being used by some criminal. She told me she wouldn't be able to leave her house once my latest embarrassment made it around The Burg. I told her I wasn't embarrassed to be living with Ranger. She just snorted at that and told me that I was stupid if I thought he wanted anything from me besides sex. Once he was sick of me he'd toss me out on my ass just like Dickie and Joe had.
I think that's when I really started to listen to her. It was like she knew the worse things in the world to say to me and she struck with them. Over and over calling me a whore and telling me that Ranger wanted me for nothing more than sex. Telling me that I ruined my life because Joe wouldn't want me back when Ranger was done with me. Asking me to look around, reminding me that I didn't fit into Ranger's lifestyle, no matter how much money he put into trying to make me fit, I'd always be a Burg girl that wasn't good enough, just like I had been with Dickie.
I don't know what happened then, it was like everything went black. I couldn't hear or see her anymore. I knew I was standing there, but I felt nothing. I don't even know how long that lasted. The next thing I knew I was lying in Ranger's arms. He was cradling me while he rocked me back and forth speaking to me in a soothing tone. I'm not sure what he said since it was in Spanish, but eventually I was able to open my eyes to look at him. That was when I noticed I was sobbing.
"Shhh, Babe, don't cry. I heard what she said. She's wrong. I want you here with me," he whispered to me as he repeatedly kissed my face. "Please. I'm so sorry. I'm trying my best to do this, but I keep fucking up. I shouldn't have let them come here."
Something inside me just burst at that point. Everything that I had bottled up inside myself suddenly poured out at him. It probably didn't make sense. I wasn't thinking in complete thoughts, but I can tell you what I was trying to say to him was a jumble of these thoughts: I can't leave here, my apartment isn't safe, he'll take me again, then he'll kill you, I can't lose you, you have to keep me here where we're both safe.
He kept rocking me through it all, saying, "We're both safe. We're in our apartment with the building locked up and the guys downstairs looking out for us. No one will hurt us here. I promise. I won't let anyone hurt you again."
I was still sobbing and babbling at him, "You shouldn't get hurt because of me. I should be the one that gets hurt. I should be the one that dies. If I die you'll be safe. I can't live without you." I don't know how long I kept saying those words out loud, but they echoed through my mind over and over until he finally shook me.
"God, Babe, don't say that. I can't live without you either," he shouted at me. When I looked up at him he was crying too. "Promise me you won't leave me? No matter what you think would be better for me, you don't leave me. Promise me." The panic in his voice startled me. "Don't leave me, Stephanie. I need you," he pleaded.
When I finally whispered back to him that I wouldn't leave he kissed me. The kind of kiss that dripped with the desperation of a drowning man fighting to hold onto something solid. We laid there clinging to one another for a long time.
He finally asked me if I ever thought about trying to hurt myself. I was startled by that. I hadn't expressed those thoughts out loud to anyone, but I'd repeatedly been thinking through ways to end my own life for months now. It had gotten better after Dr. Westin put me on the medication, but there were still a lot of ups and downs. When those downs hit I thought about how easy it would be to use my stupid gun one last time, to eat the only bullet I had in there. In the end I knew I couldn't use the gun so I bought four bottles of sleeping pills. I thought it would be the easiest way. Who didn't want to go peacefully in their sleep? Plus my family could have an open casket then, if I shot myself in the head my grandma would be disappointed not to be able to show me properly.
I guess I'd talked through that out loud. The next thing I knew Ranger tossed me off his lap and ran into the closet. I watched as he emptied my purse. He put my gun in the back waistband of his pants then collected all the pill bottles. Then he took everything into the bathroom where he started pulling open cupboards and yanking out containers of cleaner and medicine and what I thought were his razor blades. He carried the collection to the kitchen where he did the same thing, collecting all the toxics and sharps.
Minutes later Zero appeared at the door with a box. They loaded everything into the box and Zero disappeared with the stuff. Ranger had yet to speak to me. I followed him back into the bedroom, he went to his gun safe and unloaded my gun before he added it to his collection. Funny thing is, he took off the gun and knife he was wearing and dumped them inside the safe too. Once everything was locked away he looked at me. Just stared at me really. "I don't take chances." That was it, that's what he said to me.
I was embarrassed by my behavior and the fact that he had to baby proof his apartment. I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes. He crawled in behind me and began to speak in a quiet tone. "I had a hard time dealing with some of the things that happened in Afghanistan. I tried to dull things with booze and drugs, but after a while it stopped working. I kept reliving the images, things that I didn't want to admit to being part of. I just couldn't stop my mind from seeing it. I felt like I was going crazy." I knew exactly what he meant. It was where I was. "It was getting close to the end of my contract. I couldn't stay where I was, but I knew I wasn't fit to go home. I felt like there was really only one option for a person like me, so I tried to kill myself." I felt myself stiffen at his words. "I was so fucked up from the amount of drugs I'd taken I couldn't even get the safety off my gun so I just slashed my wrists and laid there waiting for it to end." I finally asked him how he lived. "Tank. He found me and brought me to his tent. He brought Bobby in. They managed to stitch up my wrists and get blood and fluids into my system. I was out of it for most of the next day, Bobby lied and told the CO that I had a stomach infection."
"Did you try it again?" I asked quietly.
"I thought about it. I held my gun to my head twice after that, but I kept hearing Tank's words echoing through my mind. Yelling at me that The Great Fucking Manoso couldn't take the coward's way out, that my best friend hadn't taken a bullet for me just so I could turn around and kill myself, and that there was something better out there somewhere and I'd find it someday. So I decided to try to fix myself. I went home, got into detox, and started working with Dr. Westin."
"And he fixed you?" I asked, hoping me could fix me too.
"No. I'd hardly say I'm fixed, but I'm still working on it." He kissed my neck then. "It would destroy what's left of me if something were to happen to you, Steph."
I struggled with that. I wasn't that important. I wasn't sure why he felt the need to save me over and over, but it wasn't his responsibility. The danger was all mine, he didn't deserve it. I tried to tell him this, but he told me no. Just no. So I asked, "No?"
"No, I don't think of you as my responsibility. No, I don't save you out of some sort of honor. No, you are that important. I save you because I love you." I just closed my eyes and listened to what he was saying. "When I found you, I found that something better I'd been searching for. You're my reason to be now. I love you so much. I'm going to keep fighting to get better, because I need you in my life, forever, Steph. Will you fight for me too?"
I turned in his arms and held him while I cried. He'd opened up to me more than I would have ever dreamed he would. He shared real feelings with me. He made me believe that if we loved each other enough things would be alright. I wanted so badly to believe him.
Dr. Westin asked me why I didn't believe him. I shrugged. He asked if a part of me still feared Ranger only wanted a sexual relationship with me. I shrugged again. Then he asked if hearing my mother voice my fears had set off my panic attack. This time I knew the answer was yes. I nodded to him.
Then he asked if he could bring Ranger into the room. He had a session scheduled for himself anyway, but the doctor thought we would benefit from talking together. I took a breath and said yes.
The moment Ranger sat down he looked at me. I could see the concern on his face, but he didn't speak. Instead Dr. Westin asked me if I wanted to tell him what we'd just discovered set off my attack last night. I really, really didn't. Ranger's eyes implored me to share though so I nodded again.
For the first time that day I felt the emotions that had gone with all that I had said to Dr. Westin. I felt that pain and tightness in my chest, the tears on my face, and heard the breathlessness in my voice, but I spoke. I told him everything my mother said to me and then told him that it was one of my biggest fears, that he didn't want me for more than sex. That he'd get tired of me and toss me away again. He just asked, "Again?" I nodded and reminded him about sending me back to Morelli after the first time we were together. I told him how much he'd hurt me.
He looked stunned by my words, he tried to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. If I was going to say it, I needed to do it now, while I had the strength to do it. He did stop speaking, he just looked at me and waited for me to go on. I told him that I had feelings for him before that night, but after we made love that night I realized how much I wanted to be with him. I tried to tell him that, but he shut me down and told me it'd never happen. He told me to go fix things with Morelli. So when Joe came back I let him in. I didn't want my heart broken again.
I even tried to tell him I loved him a few times since then, but I was afraid of rejection so I kept myself closed off from him the best I could. I didn't understand how he could tell me that he loved me in one breath and then tell me it was in his own way, or for sex and not marriage, or that I was nothing but entertainment to him and his men. Those things hurt me so badly, it was like he was twisting a knife right through my heart.
He was out of his chair then, kneeling in front of me. He took my hands and dropped his face into my lap. He just said, "I've let you in enough that you know how broken I am, Steph. I didn't know what to do with my feelings for you. I do love you in my own way. I've never loved anyone before. I don't know if it's how I'm supposed to feel or how I'm supposed to do things. I certainly never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I could offer you the life you wanted or deserved. The only thing that made sense in my head was offering you a physical relationship, because I didn't want to hurt you when I fucked things up between us, but I couldn't just walk away from you. I needed to be near you." He moved into me then, hugging me around the waist. "I never meant for my words to hurt you," he told me.
It did hurt though. I felt like he was too embarrassed to be seen tied to me that way. "You know that I don't think you're an embarrassment," he said to me. I just shrugged at him.
I supposed it was true, he wasn't embarrassed by me, but I was still an amusement to him and the guys. "You might not be embarrassed by me, but my embarrassment amuses you. I'm a fucking line item in your budget, entertainment, remember? How do you think that makes me feel?" I yelled at him. I think it might have been the first time I ever had an outburst like that at him.
He looked stunned for moment before sitting back on his heels and speaking. "Stephanie, I never meant that like it must have sounded to you," he said. He seemed to be searching for the words to try to explain things to me. "Shit, there is no good way to say this. My accountant needed a place to budget all the money I was spending on you so I had him put it under entertainment, because you're the only entertainment I have." He shook his head like he didn't think that was good enough. "You know me well enough to know that I'm not a naturally happy guy, but when you're around I'm happy. You make me smile and laugh. Hell, you do the same for my men. It's not because we think you're a joke, but because you are so innocent and sweet and caring. The things you do are so amazing and brave and unexpected, it amuses us to have someone like you in our lives," he tried to explain.
I was shocked by his confession. "Like what?" I asked.
He just started to laugh then. "Babe, there are so many ways you've made us smile. Remember when you stunned Hal? The security tape of that is still one of their favorites."
I laughed at the memory of that too. Poor Hal.
"That group sex night tape from the distraction job is one of my favorites too," he told me. I couldn't help but laugh when he flashed me that wolf grin of his. "Tank really likes the story about you stapling that dudes nuts." I was laughing too, when those memories were said like that, they were funny. "All the guys still talk about the Porsche getting pancaked by the garbage truck. They can't believe I didn't ship you off to a third world country," he told me with a grin. So I asked him why he didn't. He leaned in and kissed my nose. Then he said, "Because my life would be boring without you."
I cringed a little thinking about all the trouble I'd caused him over the years. I tried to tell him I was sorry for it, but he stopped me and said, "I'm not. Remember when you washed the vomit off my gun and gave it back smelling like oranges? Because it was yucky?" I nodded my head yes. "I wasn't having a good day, to say the least, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to find Orin before he killed one of us." I nodded yes again. "Well, I don't know if anything had ever been cuter than you telling me my gun was yucky and that you scrubbed it with a vegetable brush. Well, maybe the death cooties on your couch, that was pretty cute too." He started laughing then. "Babe, I live for those moments."
"Honestly, you don't think I'm a joke?" I asked him. I think I would have died had he said yes, but he didn't.
"No. In this hell that I've lived, you are my angel. You always have been," he said. Those simple words said more to me than any other he'd ever spoken.
I just whispered, "Thank you." I didn't know what else to tell him. He never lied to me so I knew he was being honest.
Then he took my hand again and said, "I'm really bad at speaking what I feel. I've been trying to open up to you, to show you that I want a real relationship with you. Those promises I made you last night, I meant them. I love you and I want to be with you, forever. I want us to fight this illness and come out stronger. I'm not going to leave or send you away. I want every part of you and I'll shout it from the rooftops if you want me to. I'd be proud to call you mine."
I felt the tears wet on my face, but didn't want to let go of his hands to wipe at them again. I just nodded yes to him. I wanted the same things. Then somehow the words came out of my mouth, "I love you, Ranger."
He leaned in and pressed a little peck of a kiss to my lips. "I know. I love you too," he answered.
Dr. Westin cleared his throat then and smiled at us. When he spoke it was to Ranger. He told him that he understood his concerns for my safety, but aside from adjusting my medication there was nothing more medically that he could do, I would have to work through my issues with time, just like he did.
Then he addressed me and told me that if I had anymore thoughts of self-harm I needed to tell one of the guys or call him immediately. I nodded my understanding. He also told me that I should refrain from speak to or seeing my family until I was feeling healthy enough to deal with them. He said I should go with my gut feeling, if there is someone that causes me stress I should avoid them for now. I didn't need the additional stress.
Then he told Ranger to keep supporting me and loving me like he was. I think my face turned bright red then. Ranger just smiled at me and told me I'd have so much support from him and the guys that I'd probably be trying to stun Hal to get out of the building again. I laughed a little at the joke. He wiped the tears off my cheeks and handed me a tissue.
After we left the doctor's office Ranger drove downtown and stopped at the café we'd first met at. We had a quiet lunch in the back booth. We didn't talk much. I was kind of lost in my own thoughts. I had never allowed myself to think about my mother's words or actions before, but when I had spoken them out loud today it was like the bigger picture was there now and I couldn't get it out of my mind. It also made me think about all the other relationships that I had considered so important to me over the years.
I'd only finished half of my grilled chicken sandwich and a few fries when Ranger tossed some cash onto the table and pulled me out of the booth. He hugged me against his chest and kissed my forehead before walking us back out to the car. I wished I had been better company, but I just had too much to think about.
By the time we arrived home, he looked worried. I told him I was alright, or at least I wasn't going to freak out on him again like I had the night before. We ended up on the couch, with me snuggled onto his lap. He just held me and told me if I wanted to talk about it, he'd listen.
I finally just told him that I didn't have a mother. She had never treated me like a person. I was always something to control, but I wasn't like Val, she couldn't control me. I think that made her hate me on some level or maybe she was just trying to hurt me enough that she could get that control back.
He held me a little tighter and told me that she'd never get control of me again. Then he pointed out that I had been fighting for control of my own life since the day we had met. He told me I fought my mother and proved I could live my life without a husband. I fought Joe and proved I could do my job, probably better than he could. I fought The Burg gossip by doing what I had to do and not giving into being a stereotype.
I heard him and what he said made sense, maybe I was stronger than I thought I was. He assured me I was strong, one of the toughest people he knew. Then he told me that maybe I needed a break from all the fighting. I just needed to relax for a bit and he'd do the fighting for me.
After that I dozed off on his lap and woke a few hours later to him watching a history channel documentary on England's lost castles. I teased him a little bit, but he just smiled and told me he'd like to take me there to see the castles. I got a little gooey thinking it sounded romantic, but then he got started talking about ancient war techniques. So I just kissed his cheek and got up to get my journal.
I crawled back onto the couch and for the first time wasn't embarrassed to write in front of him. He just let me do my thing, he just put my feet on his lap and rubbed them, the entire time I was writing this. I'm definitely a lucky girl to have him.