September 16-2300
Honestly the last day and a half had been better than I would have thought. A lot has happened since my last entry. The big thing was that Stephanie opened up to me. She allowed me into part of her session with Ben yesterday and actually talked to me about her feelings.
The anger that I had felt for Mrs. Plum the night of the dinner party, doubled and intensified as I listened to Stephanie tell me about her mother's harsh words and the names she called her. The idea of anyone calling Stephanie an embarrassment, much less the one person that should love her unconditionally, made my heart hurt for her and when she said that her mother had been calling her a whore since she was a little girl I was so fucking enraged I wanted to run out of that room and find that worthless bitch. Anyone that knew Stephanie knew she was anything but a whore. She was sweet and loving and tender in sharing her heart and her body, she didn't just sleep around. I knew that better than anyone, but that son of a bitch Morelli, he really aided in this assumption about her and he didn't seem to give a shit.
I wanted to protect her from both of them. I could erase them both from the face of the Earth if I needed to, and if she ever wanted me to, I'd do it without a second thought, but until then I had to hold my temper in check and protect her from them. I wouldn't use violence until it was called for, there were a lot of other ways to make their lives hell and I looked forward to doing that. Starting with letting them both know that she was with me, for good, and they couldn't see, speak, or touch her again. She was safe here with me and the guys and they'd find that out tomorrow morning when I paid them a little visit.
I wasn't about to fuck things up with her again. I was shocked when she told me that her mother was feeding her fears, and that she was scared that I'd toss her aside when I was tired of her or found someone else I'd rather be with. I hadn't realized I'd given her the impression that I would do something like that to her, but she told me that I had done just that when I'd sent her back to Morelli, and when I'd told her that we could only have a casual relationship, and I told her that I thought of her as entertainment. I realized she was right. I had treated her like shit. I was no better than Morelli.
I didn't know if I'd be able to talk myself out of the hole I'd dug myself into with my previous words and actions, but I tried my best. I tried to explain myself. I needed to prove to her that it wasn't her, it was my own issues that caused me to do those things. I was glad I let her into my head enough these last few days or she would have never believed me. I knew nothing I said could make up for the hurt I'd caused her, but I wanted her to know I'd never do it again. I wouldn't push her away or get tired of her. I told her that I wanted her in my life, permanently. I love her and I need to show her that every day for the rest of my life.
I couldn't believe she forgave me, not only that, she told me that she loved me. I knew she did, I could feel it when we were together, but I never imagined that she'd actually ever admit to it and speak the words to me. I never imagined what it would feel like to hear them. I felt this weird warmth and happiness fill me. I had to stop myself from just pulling her out of her chair and making love to her right on the floor of the doctor's office. I don't think Ben would have approved of that though.
I was just so overcome by the feelings inside me that I felt tears in my eyes. I covered them quickly so they wouldn't see, but they were there. She somehow busted through another wall I'd built around myself and I wasn't disappointed with the result. I finally knew what it felt like to be loved.
I wanted to celebrate our relationship so I took her to the café we had met at all those years ago, but I realized soon enough that I should have just taken her home. She was still hurting and trying to make sense of everything she'd discovered about her mother and herself and probably me. She needed some time and I needed to remember that.
So I took her home and we spent the rest of the night together. It was quiet. We cuddled, watched TV, and talked. It was exactly how I wanted to spend all my nights with her. Just us, together.
Today had been a good day too. I'd woken with Steph's naked body all wrapped around me, God, it was like some sort of torturous heaven. As much as I loved feeling her against me I was going a little bit crazy trying to keep my hands idle. I admit it, I haven't jerked off this much since middle school, but what was I supposed to do? She certainly wasn't ready for that next step in our relationship and I was done making mistakes with her. So even though I would have preferred to make love to her I dragged her out of bed with me. We were going to the gym.
She did really well with the bags today. I worked on her punching a little bit and then started her on kicking. She had really long, strong legs and I loved to watch her swing them at the bag in those little shorts Ella bought her. After that we hit the weights together. I was impressed with how well she handled the workout Bobby had put together for her. I think I was even more impressed when she got on the treadmill next to mine and ran with me.
I asked her if she wanted to try something else, but she said she'd rather stay near me. I couldn't complain about that. I wanted to keep her by my side too. I knew I was still a little scared to take my eyes off of her, but I'd have to do it at some point. I just wasn't ready for that yet.
After we showered and shared breakfast I drove us over to our doctor appointments. Steph went first, then I had a short appointment, more just a check in.
Ben and I talked about my fears, especially my fear of losing Stephanie. The realization that she'd been thinking about suicide the other night had scared the shit out of me. Frankly, I didn't know I still had the ability to be so scared. Ben asked me why that scared me so much more than when she was in danger from killers or stalkers. That was easy, I couldn't fight this enemy with my guns and fists. I couldn't sweep her away to my apartment and keep her out of the hands of this. It was inside her and I felt helpless. Ben nodded to me, we didn't need to say the words. We both knew I hated feeling helpless. It was one of the reasons my life was so structured and I tried to always be in control.
Logically I knew he was doing all he could do for her, but part of me wanted him to pull some magic pill out of his pocket and heal all her hurt and pain. Ridiculous, yes, I knew better than that, but I couldn't help it. I felt really helpless. I always protected and rescued her, but this time I couldn't do it. Ben told me that in Steph's eyes I was doing just that. I was taking care of her, keeping her safe from herself and others. She thought I was her hero. I hoped I could live up to that.
The best advice he gave me was to trust her and myself. He said if I paid attention to her I'd notice any signs of stress before it overwhelmed her. He also said if she was inside the building where there were no stress triggers, there was no reason I should feel like I couldn't leave her alone. I could call her or stop in for visits throughout the day, but I didn't need to hover. Then he said I couldn't make her feel abandoned either, I needed to hit the perfect balance. I hope I know how to do that.
After the appointment I offered to take her out, but she asked to have lunch in our apartment today. She said she wanted to talk to me about some of the things Ben and she had discussed. It worried me because she seemed so withdrawn again, but not exactly down.
When we got home we stopped in the break room and raided the sandwiches and fruits that Ella had left in the fridge. Stephanie seemed to have fun stuffing the sandwiches, water, yogurt, and apples into her purse. I laughed as I watched her. I wondered if she had some sort of shop lifting fantasy.
We settled onto the couch and unpacked her handbag. I handed her a turkey sandwich and kept the other for myself, then I asked her what she needed to talk about. She told me that she didn't need to, but she wanted to tell me what was going on. She said she wanted to be as open with me as she could. If we were really going to try to be in this relationship for the long haul we shouldn't have secrets. That startled me. I knew she was right, but it'd take me some time to be able to talk about all my secrets. I just hoped she still loved me when she knew the truth.
It turned out that she and Ben had talked more about her childhood today. She said it wasn't all bad. Her parents weren't bad people, they didn't beat her or punish her. Her grandparents were nearby and she went to them a lot when she needed to get away from her mother's yelling, but she said all in all she was well taken care of until she turned six. Then she told me that was the summer that Morelli had molested her.
I didn't know anything about that, but she told me all the disgusting details, how and where he did it. What it felt like. How it made her feel. Then she told me how her mother treated her afterward. I felt sick. No wonder she felt like she was damaged and not good enough all the time. She was violated and hurt by another child, a sick and disgusting child, and when she needed help her mother didn't give it. She was blamed and threatened to never tell.
She continued on, telling me about her other early encounters with Morelli, especially the night he fucked her when she was sixteen. I think she was finally able to admit that he'd taken advantage of her that night. She was vulnerable and he used her. It was predatory behavior. He was an adult and she was a child at the time. I knew if someone did that to my daughter I'd cut off his dick and feed it to him before I killed him.
She said that Morelli needed to be a permanent part of her past. She couldn't allow him to control her thoughts and feelings anymore. She wanted me to help her keep Morelli away until she was strong enough to confront him. I agreed, I do anything to help her, but more than that, if I had a reason to keep that fucking bastard away from her I'd gladly use it. As far as I was concerned if he ever darkened our doorstep he was a dead man.
After lunch we took a four hour shift on the monitors. It was my patrol day, but I wanted to stay inside the building. Manny and Jake were all too happy to take a patrol shift instead of sitting at the monitors, so I guess it was a win-win.
Steph must have been bored out of her mind in the apartment, because she seemed thrilled to have something to do. Even if it was just watching cameras and trackers. So I asked her to come back to work for me. I always needed help with paperwork, plus Tank or I would be able to keep an eye on her. Besides, I still wasn't excited about leaving her alone in the apartment all day. I knew it would give her mind too much time to wander.
She agreed to help out as long as I didn't pay her. She thought I was doing enough not charging her rent and feeding her. I was ready to roll my eyes at her over that one. I don't think she liked to admit that I could afford to take care of her. She knew I had money, but she'd never take it without earning it. Now she didn't even want to take it when she did earn it. I wasn't sure she'd ever get over that, but I struck a deal with her. She'd work and I'd keep her wage in an account which would pay her rent and any of the things she needed or wanted. She agreed to it which made me laugh to myself, I knew she would. If the money had gone straight into her own bank account she'd be spending it on the same things, but somehow she rationalized that if I spent "her money" instead of my money on the things she needed it was better. Either way I was paying her and that was that.
After work we had our normal dinner together and settled in to watch a couple of movies. Santos picked The Forty Year Old Virgin and Grown Ups, he's on movie detail from now on, especially after the shit Brown pulled last time. Anyway, we seemed to fall back into our routine without much awkwardness. I'm glad that being honest about our feelings hadn't changed the intimacy we'd built.
After the movies I decided that I should try to break away from her a little. Santos text me and called me down to the office, so that was a good excuse. I realized that I had been clinging to her all day, so as much as I didn't want to leave, I told her I had to go down to my office to check on something. She seemed fine with that, she just smiled and said she thought she'd take the time to enjoy my shower.
I don't think she realized I hadn't left the apartment right away. I decided to surprise her with some treats, so I got her some fruit, a muffin, and a cup of tea. I left the treats on her bedside table with a note, but before I could get out of the room I heard her soft moans and couldn't help smiling. She really was enjoying my shower, or more likely the shower gel. I was instantly hard and wanted nothing more than to join her, but we weren't there yet.
Still, I couldn't get her out of my mind. All wet and soapy, the way she looked the last time we'd made love in my shower. God, I was throbbing I was so hard. Now, it's not like I have a porn collection on my computer or anything, but I'm a guy, I know how to get myself off. I locked my office door and loaded up the spank bank folder on my computer. It was full of security tape I'd lifted of Stephanie, mostly in those skimpy little distraction outfits. There was a particular one where her eyes were that deep blue they turn when she's really aroused. She was pressed against me while I was taping her wire in place. That one always got me and worked like a charm.
After that I called Santos, but he said the problem was resolved. So I sat there staring at the paperwork, but didn't manage to get any of it done so I figured I'd work on this journal. I just keep thinking about Stephanie upstairs in our bed though. I'd been gone long enough. I need to feel her against me again so I'm out of here.