.
Riding high on love's true bluish light
.
She may have just nearly landed a great agent because of her conversation with Gretchen the previous night, but she can't think much about it, because Rachel's semester is fast reaching its end. Her finals themselves are not too bad. She has a final song prepared for her voice classes and a few papers to finish writing. The plays and musicals she was in this semester are serving as part of her final grade for one of her theater classes.
That final musical she's in with Gretchen and Jeremy is wrapping up this week, too, which makes her last week of school a bit busy. The musical is okay. It does still manage to feel rushed, despite their work putting it together, but Quinn, whose Reading Period starts this weekend, should be coming down to see it, and then the two of them should be heading up to New Haven together, to enjoy a few days of Quinn's Reading Period before her Finals Week.
Kurt is about to leave to escort Blaine to Prom and for the past week or so, has been happily doing a lot of the legwork to find them an apartment for when their lease runs out in a few months. Santana has been half-heartedly helping when she can, grumbling about getting up early to go look at place with him, but honestly, the two of them seem more excited about the prospect of moving than Rachel feels. She supposes it's because their loves are both coming up to live in this new apartment. For Rachel, she feels almost like leaving this apartment will necessitate leaving something behind. Leaving behind the place where she really realized she fell for Quinn, where she and Quinn first really touched each other, watched each other come…
She blinks away the memories, feeling hot just thinking about it.
A few days before Kurt leaves for Lima, they have a little house meeting, and he shows Rachel and Santana pictures of an apartment he thinks they might be able to land. His father is willing to cosign on it if their credit check isn't satisfactory—and really, Rachel expects it might not be. They're all young and don't have much credit to speak of.
"Hardwood floors in okay condition, three bedrooms, one and a half baths," Kurt reports, "A little closer to downtown Brooklyn, and the neighborhood feels a little less sketchy than ours."
"Yeah, my coworker lives near there," Santana reports nonchalantly, "It's not bad. Parking is a real bitch, though, that's why I always take the bus when I go there to hang out. I might have to stab somebody to get a space, but…" she shrugs.
"With five of us it's well within our price range," Kurt says happily, "It also has a dishwasher and coin laundry in the basement. On the downside, we do have to pay for heat if we live here. And it's kind of an old building, not insulated all that well. But even with that we should all be paying less than we do now."
"That sounds great," Rachel encourages.
"I took some pictures of the bedrooms," Kurt reports, "Someone got a little creative with the painting. There's a lilac one, which I'm picturing for Blaine and myself. It should be big enough for two. There's a slightly bigger light orange room that I thought might work for Santana and Brittany. Rachel, I'm thinking you'll understand if you get the smaller room. It's pale green, but it has decent closet space."
Rachel smiles and looks at the picture. It's not a big room, sure, but then, honestly, Kurt and Santana's shared rooms aren't that big, either. But they've all learned how to live in close quarters. "It looks perfect," she tells him honestly.
"Great!" Kurt enthuses, "I already told them we were interested in renting and they're looking into my credit right now. It's ready on July 1st, so we might have to make some arrangements to get out of this apartment early if we don't want to pay double rent for a month. But call parents or do whatever you need to do to get a down payment ready. They want first, last and a security deposit of half a month's rent."
Santana sputters for a moment, then calms down. "Damn. How does anybody without comfortably financed parents move in this city?"
Rachel sends a text to her fathers immediately to tell them they're working on getting next year's apartment and she'll need money soon. The double rent thing might be a real pain if they can't get out of it and she's not sure her parents will be happy to help her pay for that, but…
Santana stretches, "I can already picture Britts and I in that room. I mean, that orange is a godawful color, but we'll make it work."
"I quite like the color of my room," Rachel smiles, "And I think Quinn will be happy to visit it."
Santana smirks at her, "Yeah. And you guys can bang nowhere near my bed this time."
Rachel blushes, "We aren't banging near your bed now, you know."
"Good," Santana studies her nails, "Because I never want to walk in on Quinn's giant white ass up in the air."
"Really? Because you just brought it up," Kurt points out playfully.
Santana scoffs, and Rachel chuckles a little, then wonders, "I…don't want to be rude, because I'm looking forward to this a lot, but…what happens if anyone…breaks up during the next year?"
Santana's face turns stony, and Kurt looks uncomfortable. They exchange a glance, and finally Kurt says, "Well, with four of us, we'd be paying to live there about the same as what we pay to live here right now. So it would probably be doable still. But obviously none of us want this to happen…"
"Obviously. I don't want to even think about it happening to me. I'm sorry I brought it up, but it's always good to plan for the future."
"Is that what you're doing?" Santana asks, "Planning for the future?"
Rachel thinks about it for a moment, and it becomes quickly obvious that ever since this relationship started with Quinn, she feels like all she's done is begun working to plan her future around it. Around Quinn. She's re-imagined herself, as an adult, with a woman waiting for her at home. She's forced herself to imagine the discomfort of thanking a female spouse when she wins her first Tony. She's reached out to Gretchen for advice and found a potentially great queer-friendly representative for her future career. Quinn has become an inextricable part of her future planning, she realizes.
It scares her as much as it excites her.
"Actually…yes. I am very much planning for my future with Quinn. I try to take into account all possibilities, of course, but I'm very much hoping to keep her in my life."
Santana nods thoughtfully and shrugs, "I get it."
Rachel thinks about the terror of long-term relationships. She thinks about dating Finn, and trying to build her future around him and his needs and how she put her own on hold. She thinks about the ways being with Quinn might complicate her future, but, as far as she's concerned, it's worth it. Unlike sacrificing for Finn, she doesn't have to give up her dream entirely. The only sacrifice she'd make by being with Quinn is having to deal with society's prejudices about her.
She thinks about the Sondheim lyrics she'd always heard growing up. How her fathers would sing "Sorry-Grateful" to each other, sing that being together, being married, meant they were always happy but always sad. She hadn't really understood what to make of that as a young person, but she understood it more now. Choosing someone to spend your life with meant not take any other chances, not having any other options. You could miss things. You might miss people that would have been good with you, good for you. But you'd be happy, too, because you'd be in love with someone who loved you back, and who you knew things worked with.
She realizes, of course, that she's not nearly to that point with Quinn. Things are new. There's still no guarantee that things won't burn out, or that they'll discover they don't work as well as they thought. But for now, Rachel sees all the possibilities opening up in front of her, and they all involve Quinn.
She looks at Santana and Kurt again, "I just. I feel…a lot for her. I want her in my life, forever. I…" She can't quite say the words she wants to say. It doesn't feel quite right yet. She almost does, though. They're almost true. "From the beginning, this relationship with Quinn has felt long-term. And while a part of me is terrified this is going to hold me back…most of me just thinks…it's worth it, you know?"
"Absolutely," Kurt answers, while Santana nods.
Rachel smiles at her two closest friends. They've both weathered difficult things in their relationships, and they both considered it worth it, too.
It gives Rachel hope.
.
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
.
When Tina posts on Facebook that she has decided where she's going to college, Mike is excited, but also disappointed that she hasn't called him yet. So he sends her a "Congratulations" text with a smiley face and waits.
It isn't until the evening that she responds, asking if it's a good time to call him He asks her to give him fifteen minutes, and quickly finishes up the dinner he's eating in Kate and Sandra's apartment with a few other friends (those of them who live in the same apartment building tend to take turns cooking and feeding each other). He excuses himself as Kate opens a bottle of wine for everyone to enjoy after the meal and promises he might come down a little later. Sandra tells him he'd better because they're going to be watching a movie. But they let him get back up to his room without much of a fight.
He calls her when he gets up there, and she answers right away. "Hey," she says softly.
"Hey," he greets warmly, "Congratulations. Which school did you choose?"
"Temple," she answers softly, "It has great science programs."
"Is that what you want to study?" he asks.
"I don't know. I'm not declaring anything, but…yeah. I think so."
"That's great," Mike tells her, "I thought you wanted to go for music or something, but you'd be great at science, too."
"Like I said, I just don't know. They have a good music program, too, so…"
"Good," Mike encourages, then thinks of something, "Where is Temple again?"
"Philadelphia."
"Oh, yeah," Mike nods to himself. He remembers now. He and Tina didn't talk in depth about where she might want to go to school, but he does sort of remember now her mentioning schools in that area.
"I…don't know what to do," Tina says, sounding distraught.
"What do you mean? You've made a good decision."
"I know, but…it's so far from you."
"I know," Mike answers soothingly, "But we know how to deal with that." They had talked, briefly, about her possibly coming to school in Chicago, and she had applied to a few schools in the area, but, it's clear, they didn't interest her as much as Temple. And that was fine with Mike. He wasn't necessarily expecting her to come here. He'd have liked her to, of course, but he wants what's best for her overall. And though of course he isn't looking forward to spending the next year or so apart (he can look into heading to Philadelphia after he finishes his program next year), he has faith in them.
"We do, but…I can't decide if I'm willing to do this again." She sounds teary already.
"Hey," Mike says softly, "It's okay. It'll be easier this time. We've had practice. It's okay to lead separate lives for a little while while we get our futures in order."
"I know," Tina sobs, "But I can't decide just how separate I want our lives to be."
There's silence through the phone line for a moment. Mike's stomach sinks.
"What are you…?" he asks, uncertain if he can speak anymore.
"I don't know," Tina says roughly, "I just feel like…it's hopeless. I don't know how we maintained our relationship this year, and with everything new, being in a new city, surrounded by new people, having to take new classes…I have no idea how I'm going to make time for anybody."
Mike shrugs, "It's just something you do. You make time for someone because you love them."
"And I do love you," she tells him, "But a part of me…feels like I need to start college with a clean slate." She pauses. "Single."
"I…" he has no idea what to say.
"I do love you. Really, I do. And when you're home in Lima this summer, I want to enjoy what's left of our relationship. But I need to start college without any ties, without anyone telling me, even unintentionally, what I should be doing. Even me deciding between science and music. I can't let my thoughts about the stability of your dance career influence my decision. I have to choose for me."
"How am I supposed to be okay with this?" Mike asks hollowly.
"By knowing that I refuse to let distance and responsibility to ourselves tear us apart. Maybe if we do this, after we're both finished college, we can try again. Maybe our careers will take us to similar places. But for now…we've both got to focus on what we want for ourselves. I don't want to make you feel like you have to come to Philadelphia. Just like you didn't want to pressure me to come to Chicago. These are our lives opening up for us. If we're meant to be together, and I think we are, we'll come together again, Mike."
There isn't much more to say. He tells her he accepts her decision, that they should continue to date through the summer, and that hopefully they can be friends even after they break up. He hangs up feeling hollow, empty, dry.
He doesn't want to feel bitter, but it just seems so unfair that he held out for her, and she can't do the same for him.
But he tries not to think about it.
.
If you need some time I don't mind
.
Friday night is the final night of Rachel's musical, and the last night of the semester. Quinn's Reading Period just began today, and so she is in the city tonight to watch Rachel's play, and then the two of them are going to head to Yale to spend some time together before Quinn's Finals start.
The musical has actually shaped up during the final few rehearsals to become something rather beautiful, but Rachel still hasn't specifically invited Kurt or Santana to see it and, truth be told, they're both so busy right now trying to lock down the apartment—and explore a few backup options in case that one falls through—that she doubts they even remember she's in a musical right now. But she prefers it this way, prefers coming out from backstage to find Quinn waiting for her, alone.
They hug, and Quinn tells her she did a great job. Rachel tries to accept the compliment graciously, but mentally she is compiling all the things she wants to ask Quinn about her performance. She thinks, at least, that she can trust Quinn to be frank with her about performing, even though they are dating. It's something she values about Quinn, that she believes in her, but can also criticize her constructively.
She shakes hands with others who came to see the show, thanking them, accepting their compliments, smiling. Soon, she realizes Gretchen is hovering near her, and she turns to her and touches her arm. "Gretchen," she says, "This is my Quinn."
Gretchen smiles at Quinn, who looks a bit surprised at the introduction. The two blondes shake hands, and Quinn tells her that she was great in the show. Gretchen accepts the compliment, and tells Quinn that she was glad to hear about her and Rachel.
Rachel notes Jeremy watching the exchange, and his expression is a little wry, but when he catches her eye, he just shrugs, grins, and gives her a thumbs up.
It's probably the best she could ask for from him. They might never really be friends, but they respect each other. And, Rachel figures, that could be valuable if they ever end up working together someday.
They spend the night in Rachel's bed, Rachel giddy at the thought of being finished with her first year of dramatic arts school, Quinn seeming apprehensive, preoccupied by the thought of her upcoming finals. They mostly just cuddle and kiss a little, but nothing too heavy, because Rachel is tired, from pouring her energy into the stage. Besides which, Santana is off work that night, and they're never sure when she might come into the bedroom.
The next day, they head to New Haven, so that Quinn can start studying for her finals but the two of them can also spend some time together. It's been too long, Rachel thinks. It's been too long since she's touched Quinn. Though she keeps telling herself she needs to be respectful of the fact that Quinn does need to actually study. It's one reason they're going to New Haven, actually. Other than the fact that Rachel hasn't visited Quinn there nearly enough, Quinn had asked if she might be able to spend her Reading Period at school because, much as she loves spending time in New York, everything she needs to study is in New Haven, and she doesn't want to try to study and realize she forgot something.
They ride the train together, and it's actually a beautiful ride. The buildings and streets fade away to train tracks and stations surrounded by bright green trees and wild shrubbery, ushering in the coming summer. It's not hot yet, still pleasant and mild, and the spring really hasn't been all that rainy. It makes for nice travel.
They spend most of the day wandering parts of New Haven and the Yale campus, exploring things Rachel hasn't had a chance to see yet, and after dinner, they head back to the dorm, where Quinn intends to get some work done.
When they get there, Stephanie is packing a bag. She smiles and greets them both, and Quinn asks, "What's up?"
"I'm going to spend the weekend at Lulu's," Stephanie answers.
"Oh, come on. You don't have to do that," Quinn says guiltily.
Stephanie grins, "I just want to give you guys some privacy. I get how important that is. Sean and Steve had a whole system in place to give Steve and I some time alone when we needed it. I'm just paying it forward."
Quinn is blushing, Rachel notices. "I just don't want to kick you out if—"
"Believe me, it's fine," Stephanie assures, "If I need something from the room, I'll call you first. Have fun!" she winks, and before too long, she's leaving, a bag full of study materials and clothes slung over her shoulder.
Quinn sits down awkwardly on her bed, biting her lip. Rachel watches her, then walks over to stand next to her legs. Quinn glances over at her, but seems unable to keep eye contact. "It's just weird," she mumbles.
"What is?" Rachel asks.
Quinn shrugs one shoulder, "Just…everyone assuming we're doing things we're not doing yet."
"Hey," Rachel places a hand on Quinn's knee, "We're on no one's schedule but our own. And we're taking it slow. And that's fine. Besides," she climbs up to sit on the bed next to Quinn, "Alone time doesn't have to mean sex. We have had plenty of alone time that we spent making out. And I'm really, really dying to kiss you right now."
Quinn grins, and leans in to kiss her. Rachel feels it like warmth spread all over her body. She missed it. She missed the feel of Quinn's body and lips against her. She missed being alone with her, being unselfconscious and free to let herself get lost in the moment.
It's nearly an hour before they pull themselves apart, put back on their shirts, and Quinn finally gets started on her studying.
.
What happens to us if we accept that I'm unfixable?
.
Quinn is surprised by how much she's actually able to get done with Rachel there. A part of her had been worried that nothing could possibly happen because they'd be unable to pull themselves apart, but they're both displaying remarkable restraint. Rachel keeps reminding Quinn that she needs to study, and Quinn will manage to do so for long periods while Rachel watches movies on her laptop. But they spend time together, too. They'll wake up curled together in Quinn's bed, then go and get breakfast and often spend the late morning or early afternoon doing some walking or exploring together. After lunch, Quinn will really try to focus.
On Monday night, though, she gets a call from Stephanie. She's actually taking a study break when it happens—which involves Rachel's shirt being pulled up and her bra half off—but Quinn isn't too upset, since she hasn't heard from her roommate yet and she knew she was bound to need to come back to the room at some point. Rachel reclines against Quinn's pillows, looking dazed, eyes bright, while Quinn answers. She manages to sound pretty nonchalant, she thinks. "What's up?" she greets.
"Quinn?" Stephanie sounds angry, "Lulu and I need to come back, right now."
"Oh, okay, that's fine. Is everything okay?"
"No," Stephanie says sharply, "It's not."
"Okay," Quinn says.
"I'll explain when I get here," Stephanie says, and hangs up.
Quinn glances at Rachel, anxiety filling her chest. "Stephanie and Lulu are on their way here. It sounds like something's wrong, but I don't know what."
Rachel sits up and immediately begins to adjust her clothes back into place. "Oh my God. Okay." She watches Quinn worriedly.
There's just a kind of tense near-silence in the room, as they sit and wait to find out what's going to happen. Rachel reaches out a hand, and Quinn takes it.
When they hear Stephanie's key in the door, Quinn sits up straighter. Rachel pulls her hand away. Stephanie storms in, and Lulu follows closely, looking frustrated.
Stephanie turns to look at Quinn and Rachel, both sitting on the bed. Quinn feels weird in the moment, like she's about to be accused of something, but then Stephanie says, "You and I need to have a talk with Lulu. About her boyfriend."
Quinn opens her mouth, but really doesn't know what to say at first. She looks at Rachel, who just looks lost, and Quinn murmurs, "Can you…go visit with Sean for a little bit? We should probably talk in private."
"I hate to send you away, but she's probably right," Stephanie tells Rachel apologetically.
Rachel nods and stands, smoothing her skirt and grabbing her phone. "Just…let me know if I can do anything."
"I'll tell Sean to expect you," Quinn tells her as she leaves the room, and she dashes off a quick text to Sean, then puts her phone aside. Stephanie is staring at Lulu now, who is staring at the floor.
"Tell Quinn what happened tonight," Stephanie commands.
Lulu rolls her eyes, "You are really making a big deal out of nothing," she scoffs.
"If it's nothing, then share."
Lulu is quiet for a moment, then says, "We just had a fight. That's all."
"A fight about…" Stephanie prompts.
Lulu sighs, "A fight about how he doesn't get to spend time with me this weekend."
Quinn quickly puts pieces together and immediately feels guilty. Lulu probably isn't comfortable having him over because Stephanie hates him. Stephanie is over there because she has Rachel over. It's her fault.
"Because you're busy studying for Finals!" Stephanie shouts. Quinn feels slightly relieved, but still awkward.
Lulu lifts her hands in a placating gesture, "His feelings are still valid. He's allowed to have them."
"But he's not allowed to try to guilt you into neglecting your school work just because he's going to be sad for a few days!" Stephanie growls.
"Wait, back up," Quinn says. She addresses Stephanie, "What did he say that makes this a big deal? Because on the surface, it sounds like Lulu has a point."
"It's not what he said, it's more how he made her feel when he said it," Stephanie says darkly. "You didn't hear it, Quinn. You didn't hear the way she sounded so desperate and helpless when she talked to him."
"That's not how I sounded," Lulu begins hotly.
"Oh, yes it is," Stephanie insists, "This is the first time I've really been able to hear it, because you always make sure to disappear when this happens, don't you? Even when we were at Steve's. You told me later that he was convinced you were cheating on him with Steve. I didn't put it together at the time, why you kept disappearing. I thought you were dealing with being sad because Steve's mom reminded you of your dad. But I get it now. You were disappearing so that he could yell at you and the rest of us wouldn't know."
Quinn watches Lulu and sees her expression become remote, and she thinks, Stephanie has definitely hit something.
Finally, Lulu says, "So, what, you think yelling at me more is going to help?"
At this, it's Stephanie's turn to look blank, and then ashamed.
"I don't want to yell at you," Quinn says. "I guess I just wonder why you stay with him, if Stephanie is right, and he makes you feel awful."
"You wouldn't understand," Lulu says.
"I've dated for many reasons, and most of them ultimately had nothing to do with love," Quinn says. "Try me."
Lulu is quiet for a long moment, and then she finally says, "He's been with me through so much. He was with me when my dad got sick. We had just started dating, and he didn't shy away when I suddenly had this very real shit going on with my dad's illness. He was with me when he died, and he helped my brothers a lot, made sure they got to school okay when my mom was too devastated to do anything but wallow in her own grief. He got us groceries. He helped me. He loved me and supported me while I grieved and helped me remember to pay the bills my mom was forgetting." She shakes her head, and tears are welling in her eyes.
"What changed?" Stephanie asks dully, her voice much softer now.
Lulu shakes her head, "I don't know. I got into school. He didn't apply. He said he knew he'd never get into Yale and he didn't want to go anywhere far from me and my family. He wanted to be here with us. But as soon as I started spending my time on campus…he became convinced I was cheating on him. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about it and he asks about it all the time."
"He harasses you about it," Stephanie interrupts, and Lulu shrugs helplessly to concede the point, and Stephanie continues, "He's bitter because he isn't as smart as you, and doesn't have the future you have, and he's trying to drag you out of school to be with him, and to be on his level."
"But that's just it. He's been with me through my hardest times. Maybe dealing with this is his. I can't abandon him after all he's done for me."
"Even if he verbally abuses you?" Stephanie asks sharply.
Lulu doesn't say anything for a long while. "I just can't. I'm not…I'm not like you two. Look at you two. Dating comes easy for you. It isn't for me and it never will be."
"That's no reason to stay with someone who makes you feel like this," Stephanie growls, "Besides, that's not true. There's Steve."
Lulu laughs hollowly, "I could never have done that to you."
"Do what? He's my ex and we're friends now. I wouldn't have cared if you two dated. I know you had a crush on him—even your boyfriend could tell. And I think Steve was—maybe is—into you."
"And how will that work?" Lulu asks, "We live ten hours away from each other. Long distance, and he has responsibilities to his mother. I…I can't get attached to her and watch her die, too."
"But if Steve wasn't in the situation he's in…" Stephanie starts.
"If he weren't, he'd still be with you. You think I don't know that?" Lulu asks.
"Do you still love your boyfriend?" Quinn asks, interrupting the topic of Steve before it got heavier.
Lulu is quiet again, and seems to really be considering it. "I don't know," she finally says, "I…feel like I do, but maybe I just feel like I should."
"Then don't stay," Quinn offers softly, "If you aren't getting anything out of it, don't stay."
Lulu shakes her head, "I can't abandon him."
"You don't have to put up with him," Stephanie's voice is rising again. "His biggest fear is that you'll realize there are so many other guys out there who are better than he is. You already met one—Steve. You guys could've been something. Instead, all you have is this loser who is trying to make you fail."
"You don't even know him," Lulu says coldly, "And you don't even know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship. What's the longest yours has lasted? Five months?" She scoffs, "Stop talking about what you don't understand."
"What you don't understand is that you're being abused!" Stephanie cries.
"I think I'm a better judge of that," Lulu answers.
"Honestly," Quinn says quietly, "I think she is." Stephanie turns dark, angry eyes to her, and Quinn continues. "From what I hear, Lulu, it doesn't sound good. But I also know we can't convince you to do something you don't want to do. If you ever need help because you decide he is hurting you…we'll be there for you. But for now…go be with him if that's what you want."
Lulu shakes her head, "No. I don't want to be with him tonight. He's being a baby. Stephanie, I just want to continue hanging with you and watching bad movies during study breaks, alright?"
Stephanie bites her lip and says between clenched teeth. "Alright. But only if you turn your phone off."
Lulu hesitates, looking scared for a moment, but then she nods. "Okay."
Stephanie abruptly hugs her, and then Lulu turns to hug Quinn, too. "I know you guys care about me, but I'm fine, alright?" she says into Quinn's shoulder.
Quinn meets Stephanie's eye, and she can tell from the look they exchange, that neither of them think Lulu is fine.
Quinn wonders how the girl who has identified as a feminist for half her life could be the one in a potentially abusive relationship, and how the girl who rejects feminism could be the one trying to create an intervention for her.
Nothing is ever clear-cut, she thinks.
.
I'm bathing your body, touch you in places only I know
.
When Stephanie and Lulu head back to Lulu's house, Quinn texts Rachel to let her know she can come back. Rachel returns quickly and immediately hugs Quinn. "That…seemed like it was going to be intense. Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Quinn says quietly. "Stephanie was trying to have an intervention because she thinks Lulu's boyfriend is probably abusive. I kind of agree. But Lulu wasn't having it."
"Oh, God. That sounds awful. Can we go beat him up?" Rachel clenches her fist, and Quinn suppresses a smile.
"I wish we could," she says. "What did you do with Sean?" she asks, changing the subject.
"Oh, not much. He was studying for Chemistry, but he was fine to take a break. We played some fighting game. Soul Calibur or something."
"Oh, yeah. That one's kinda fun," Quinn admits.
"Yeah. He even went easy on me a few times. He's pretty cool."
"He is," Quinn nods, "I'm glad to have him for a friend."
They sit back on the bed together, and Rachel melts into her side. "I'm glad to have you for a girlfriend," she whispers.
Quinn leans back into her pillows, drawing Rachel down with her. "Believe me. Me, too." She's exhausted from the conversation, and before long, she and Rachel are both in their pajamas and are curled together, getting ready to sleep.
Quinn thanks God as she's falling asleep that he's brought good people into her life this year, especially Rachel.
Unfortunately, Rachel is heading home on Wednesday morning, in order to give Quinn all of Wednesday to study. So they really only have this Tuesday to enjoy together. But Quinn thinks optimistically. She'll be heading down to New York after Finals to hang out with Rachel for about a week, and then she'll be going back to Lima. She'll be spending most of May and much of June in Lima, but then she's planning to spend most of July in New York, to help Rachel and her roommates move and get situated in a new area. And also to take advantage of Rachel having her own bedroom, she thinks.
Maybe they'll christen it with lovemaking.
She pushes those thoughts away. They seem wrong somehow, since it's something they're taking slowly.
Quinn doesn't want to get out of bed, so she just stretches and slowly rolls onto her back to watch the ceiling and think for awhile, and just feel Rachel in bed next to her, listen to her breathing. Finally, the way Rachel nuzzles her shoulder alerts Quinn to the fact that she is also awake, and Quinn turns her head to grin at her. "Hey," she murmurs.
Rachel smiles sleepily, "Good morning," and pecks the corner of Quinn's mouth.
Quinn closes her eyes and enjoys the moment, then Rachel murmurs, "Why don't you stay in bed a little longer and I'll go get us some breakfast and coffee?"
Quinn grins, eyes still closed, "That sounds amazing," she murmurs.
Rachel climbs out of bed. "I'll be back in a few. You rest. You've got lots of studying to do today!"
"Mmm," Quinn smiles. She honestly isn't that tired, but it's nice to be left with her warm bed and the pillow that still smells like Rachel's shampoo. So she curls up and enjoys the moment, and the warmth she feels that Rachel is taking care of her.
She dozes a little, but wakes up when she hears the sound of the doorknob rattling, not quite opening. She gets up quickly, assuming it's locked, and rushes to open it. She's surprised that the door is unlocked and then—
She's shocked by cold and wet, all over her chest.
"Oh my God!" Rachel shrieks, as a second splash of cold hits Quinn.
Quinn is immediately furious. She opens her eyes, rage on the tip of her tongue, but the way that Rachel is looking at her, guilty and terrified, suppresses her rage quickly, and she realizes just how frightening she must look to Rachel in her enraged state. She forces herself to calm down and take stock of the situation.
She takes a moment to steady her breath, then asks, "What happened?"
Rachel looks away, "I was having trouble opening the door while holding the two paper bags and the two iced coffees," Rachel admits, and it's then that Quinn notices the two paper bags of food lying on the ground in the puddle of icy coffee. "So I was leaning against the door and balancing both coffee cups on my arm and when you opened the door, I lost that balance. The first hit you right away. I almost managed to catch the second, but ended up batting it toward you instead, and I couldn't keep hold of the food, too. I'm so sorry," Rachel murmurs, sounding wounded. "But I have small hands," she feebly defends herself, holding them up for Quinn to inspect.
Quinn forces a grin, finding, as she does so, that this is so ridiculous that it's funny, and she laughs a little. "It's okay," she soothes. "But why didn't you get a drink holder?"
Rachel's brow furrows, "Well, they're not exactly environmentally friendly," she answers scornfully.
Quinn laughs, which just makes Rachel look uncertain and upset again, so Quinn reaches for her, "It's seriously okay," she says again. "I mean, I needed a shower this morning anyway."
Rachel looks mortified. "I feel so stupid." She sinks into Quinn's arms, then jerks back, "You're cold!"
"Well, you just threw iced coffee at me," Quinn reminds her.
Rachel puts her face in her hands and sighs. "I'll clean this up," she gestures at the coffee covering the floor tile, "You shower."
"I'll help," Quinn offers, but Rachel shakes her head emphatically, so Quinn shrugs and concedes.
The bathroom is actually shared with her neighboring room, but luckily it is vacant. Sighing, she shucks off her coffee-soaked clothes and turns on the hot spray. She soaps up her chest and then just stands for awhile, letting the warmth seep in, letting the water wash away the scent of coffee that is surely sticking to her.
When she hears a bathroom door opening, she nearly panics, thinking she must've forgotten to lock the second door that leads to her neighbor's bedroom. "I'm in here!" she calls.
"It's just me," Rachel answers, "I'm washing my hands."
"Oh my God, you gave me a heart attack," Quinn tells her. She feels warmer, now, knowing that she's naked and Rachel is only a yard away in the bathroom. She yanks the cold water nob a little bit to the left.
"I didn't realize how messy I'd gotten until I was done cleaning," Rachel says disgustedly. Quinn hears the sink running and quickly turns the cold water nob back to the right. The plumbing in the building is pretty good, but she hasn't even run the sink and the shower at the same time. Best to not freeze.
"You'll have to take a shower, too," Quinn tells Rachel distractedly, playing with the water nobs, trying to find the perfect temperature again.
"Can I please?" Rachel asks.
"Of course," Quinn says.
"I just want to get out of these clothes," Rachel sighs.
"Oh. Well, I mean. Go ahead," Quinn tells her. "If you're uncomfortable…"
"What, right here?"
Quinn doesn't know what to say. "I mean. I don't want you to be standing around uncomfortable. And it's just us in here."
"True," Rachel says.
Quinn barely hears the sound of clothes falling to the floor through the splash of the shower spray. Her heart thuds. She plays with the shower temperature even more, unsure whether she's too cold or too hot right now. Rachel is naked only a yard away, through the shower curtain.
They're both quiet for a moment, and Quinn finally reaches for the shampoo bottle, figuring she'd better actually finish her shower. Finally, Rachel speaks. "Well. Now I'm just kind of cold and sticky."
"I'll hurry up," Quinn says quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'll be patient."
Quinn groans, "Just…get in the shower, Rachel," she says, her voice wobbling a little. She'd tried to sound sure, commanding. Like the Cheerios captain she once was. And she was a high school athlete. She'd showered with girls before. She could control herself.
"Get…in?"
"Yes. Just get in." That wobble again. Quinn wants flow down the drain with the water every time her voice doesn't cooperate.
"I'm coming in," Rachel announces, and the shower curtain slides over, and Quinn is met with the sight of a naked Rachel Berry getting into the shower with her. "Ooh, that's nice," Rachel sighs, stepping right into the spray, blocking Quinn's access to the water entirely.
"Hey," Quinn scolds feebly, shampoo suds dripping down onto her face and shoulders, "I was just about to rinse."
"Just a minute," Rachel gurgles, putting her face under the spray as she speaks.
Quinn rolls her eyes and waits, until Rachel turns, and then they're awkwardly trying to step by each other so Quinn can get to the spray. Both too nervous to touch each other, but unable to avoid it. Quinn lightly puts her hands on Rachel's shoulders as they circle each other, and Rachel touches Quinn's hip lightly with one hand. Quinn blinks rapidly and then puts her head under the spray, rinsing away the shampoo and feeling completely overwhelmed. They haven't really done much except shower together, but…Rachel is there, and naked. They've both politely averted their eyes—something Quinn does unconsciously due to Cheerios showers—but now that her back is to Rachel, Quinn wonders whether Rachel is staring at her ass, and finds the idea both elating and horrifying. Her heart is pounding and she tries to swallow, and finds her throat dry. She opens her mouth and swallows water directly from the spray.
When she turns, Rachel is massaging shampoo into her scalp. She smiles softly, as if nothing is abnormal, then closes her eyes as shampoo slides down her forehead. Quinn takes the moment to thank herself for putting in her contacts before getting in the shower, and then flicks her eyes up and down Rachel's body: breasts she is very familiar with, lean stomach with a hint of abs, small hips, neatly trimmed…
Quinn averts her eyes back to Rachel's face and helps her maneuver to the water to rinse off. They circle each other for several moments, soaping up, rinsing off, while Quinn sneaks glances and assumes Rachel is doing the same. Quinn can't stop worrying about how her body appears next to Rachel's, worries about scars and stretch marks that are mostly hidden but still visible, if Rachel really looks. The times she was in her underwear with Rachel, the lighting was much less intense.
As Rachel rinses soap off her body, Quinn steels her courage and moves, wrapping her arms around Rachel from behind. Rachel instantly leans back into her, sighing contentedly, arms moving to hold Quinn's.
They stand, for a moment, naked and holding each other under the water, until, stomach a mess of queasy butterflies, Quinn begins to move her hand down Rachel's body. She does it quickly, fearfully, and stops at Rachel's hip. "Okay?" she whispers in Rachel's ear. Rachel gasps out her assent, and Quinn lowers her fingers, probing gently until she is touching damp folds. She moves her fingers gently, trying to figure out what she is even touching, but it's so much harder on another human, when she can't even see where her fingers are, so before long, she is kissing Rachel's jaw and neck and withdrawing her hand, embarrassed.
Rachel turns and kisses her, wrapping her arms around Quinn's body and laying her head against her chest. Quinn just holds her, knowing her heart is hammering and that Rachel can hear it. After a few moments, Rachel looks up at her, eyes scanning all over her face. "Quinn," she says softly, "Whenever you're ready, okay?"
Quinn nods, swallowing, knowing that she's not quite ready, and relieved that Rachel understands and accepts that. It's just so scary, to know what she wants to do, but not how to do it, to not know how to push past her own inhibitions and fears to just touch Rachel.
Rachel steps under the water one more time, a final rinse, then steps out of the shower. She's waiting with a towel for Quinn when Quinn steps out.
Once they're re-dressed—with Rachel borrowing some casual clothes from Quinn, since her last outfit is covered in coffee—Rachel smiles, "How about I try this whole breakfast thing again?"
"How about I come with you, and we just eat together?" Quinn offers.
Rachel half-smiles, "Someday, you'll have to let me do something nice for you, and I promise I won't make a mess of it."
Quinn kisses her. "You do nice things for me every day," she tells her softly, and Rachel grins shyly.
All Quinn knows is, she is excited for the day that she finally is, really, ready.
A/N: Chapter titles from Blondie, "Heart of Glass," Of Monster and Men, "Little Talks," Tori Amos, "Sleeps with Butterflies," Elite Gymnastics, "Here in Heaven 2," and Frank Ocean, "Pyramids."