September 19
September 19…230 pm
Today has been one of those weird up and down days for me. I guess what's still really hard for me to understand is how I can go from having a perfect, romantic night with the man I love to being a self-conscious, second-guessing, shell of a person in a matter of hours. I wonder if I'll always be this way or if these mood swings will go away with time. I hope they go away soon. I'd feel a lot less insane if they did.
I guess the whole thing started after Ranger went down to work this morning. I finally got around to reading the booklet that Dr. Westin had given me earlier in the week. It talked about controlling and abusive relationships. When he gave it to me we were talking about Joe, so when I started to read it he was the person on my mind.
It started with a questionnaire, so I tried to do what they said. Just answer the questions yes or no. I couldn't use excuses, by saying it only happened a couple times or it only happened when I made him mad or when he was stressed from work, or whatever the excuse would be. Just yes or no. So anyway, I tried to answer as truthfully as possible.
Does your partner make fun of you or embarrass you in front of your friends or family? I wasn't sure how to answer that one. He never made fun of me, exactly. He didn't set out to embarrass me either, I didn't think anyway. He did embarrass me when he showed up at my crime scenes and yelled at me and called me a disaster though. I wasn't sure if that counted.
Does he put down your accomplishments and discourage your goals? Uh, yeah. He never admitted I had the highest capture rate of all the bounty hunters Vinnie had employed. He never admitted that I solved an ass load of his cases. He never admitted that I solved more crimes than the average police officer did. He sure wanted to discourage me though, every chance he got. "Leave it alone, Cupcake. Let the professionals take care of this." Well, screw the professionals, I always got the job done.
Does he make you feel like you're unable to make a decision? I don't think I ever had that problem with Joe.
Does he use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain your compliance? Um, sort of, he's a master at using guilt on me, but he doesn't really intimidate me anymore. As far as threats go, he didn't do more than threaten to break-up or tell my mother on me.
That's when it hit me. Joe Morelli wasn't the person I was in controlling relationship with. I was in controlling relationship with Helen Plum.
She was constantly picking on me and embarrassing me with her nagging about my personal and professional life. I was sure she waited until there was someone around to do it too. She thought my goals were ridiculous and made me feel like an idiot for having professional goals, to the point where I stopped sharing them with my family. As far as my accomplishments, she didn't see any of them. She would never admit I did something right.
I was raised to not be able to make a decision without worrying if it would be right in my mother's eyes. Even now, as an adult, I tried to do things that I thought would keep the peace and not set her off. If she didn't like something I was doing she'd badger me with phone calls. If I didn't correct my behavior after her nagging, she'd threatened to not do things for me like my laundry, or invite me to dinner, or withhold my favorite dessert. Though I think the worst part was the guilt trip she laid on me. The "Why me?" echoed through my mind as I thought about her rants and cries and the need to drink because of me.
The next two questions asked if she used alcohol as her excuse for saying hurtful things to me and did she blame me for her behavior? That was a big old double yes. It would never be her fault. If I could just be a proper Burg girl she wouldn't be that way to me.
Honestly, there were a few sex questions that obviously didn't apply, but everything else did. Even the questions about how I dealt with her. Was I afraid of how she would react to something? Did I feel responsible for her feelings? Did I make excuses to other people about her behavior? Did I believe her behavior would change if I'd just do what she wanted me to? Did I try not to do things that would cause conflict or make her upset? Did I feel like no matter what I did she would never be happy? Do I always do what she wants instead of what I want? YES! All of it, every last thing applied to me. I couldn't believe I'd never noticed any of this before.
Lester kept giving me strange looks on the way to the doctor's office, probably because I was going a mile a minute, talking to him about my mother being the crazy one, not me. Once we were there I practically ran into Dr. Westin's office. I handed him the paper that I'd written my answers on and told him that it wasn't Joe, it was my mother that was abusing me. He looked it all over and nodded to me.
I was practically bouncing in my chair. I don't know if it was nerves or a little bit of excitement or maybe both. I was scared to deal with this, but at the same time knowing where most of my issues were coming from felt so good.
Dr. Westin put aside the papers and looked at me with a little smile. Then totally off the subject, he just asked me if I had time to think about the relationships I have been in with Joe and Ranger. I shrugged a little. I had given those relationships a lot of thought over the last few days, especially now that things with Ranger were getting a little more serious.
He asked me to tell him what I thought the differences between the two relationships were. Yikes. That was really like comparing apples to oranges. I guess with Ranger I didn't feel like I had to lie to him or avoid him when things went wrong, like I did with Joe. He wasn't quick with his temper like Joe and he'd never belittle me or talk down to me like Joe did.
Also, with Joe if something he did or said hurt me I'd immediately get pissed and start a fight. I felt like it was better to show him anger than to let him see that he hurt me. I didn't want him to know he had the power to hurt me. With Ranger, though, I could be honest about my feelings, at least now I could. Before moving in with him, I'd run from him and hide myself and my feelings so he wouldn't see how he affected me. Now I felt like if something he did hurt my feelings I could tell him. I trust him to listen to me and for him not to hurt me intentionally. I don't think I ever had that level of trust in anyone before.
I suppose before I moved in with Ranger I was afraid to show either of them any kind of weakness. I didn't want them to see me as inferior to themselves so I'd try to be tough and strong like they both were. That included telling them how I felt about them or what I wanted out of our relationships. Now I wasn't afraid of that anymore. At some point crying and sharing my pain with Ranger became alright. I guess since he was able to show me his feelings I wasn't afraid to show mine anymore. I wasn't afraid to say that I love him and that I want a relationship with him. I never had that with Joe. Even when he told me he loved me I couldn't really say it back, not like I can with Ranger.
Dr. Westin asked me if I had started a physical relationship with Ranger since we started to get a little more serious. I rolled my eyes at the way he said that. I could tell he was quoting me. I told him that we had started to get more physical, but we weren't doing it yet. Okay, so we were making out like a couple of horny sixteen year olds every time we found ourselves in bed together, but there was no sex, yet.
I certainly didn't give him the details on things, but I assured him that I was able to reach orgasm without a problem anymore. He didn't need to know about Ranger talking me through that first one or about last night in the tent. Holy Moly. The man had magical hands and I really felt like he was making love to me with them.
He was tender and soft, exploring every inch of me. He kept his word though, only doing what I asked and letting me lead the way. It gave me a sense of power that I didn't know I had been missing before. I loved the feeling of strength it gave me to tell him where and how to touch me almost as much as I loved the feeling of stroking him to completion while he looked at me like that. His eyes were so expressive and filled with so much love it almost made me cry. I never thought I would have someone feel that way about me.
Dr. Westin asked me how this differed from the sexual contact that Ranger and I had in the past. Yikes. I wasn't sure how to explain that. I never thought there was anything missing or off with the way Ranger and I had sex before, but now I know we had both been holding back part of ourselves.
Right from the first night we were together there had been some sort of connection between us that made it feel different than any other sex I'd ever had. At first I thought it was just all the pent up sexual frustration we'd built up over the months we'd been flirting, teasing, and kissing each other, but when the things those kisses promised became a reality I knew it was more than that.
It was something special and it scared the shit out of me. Every time we found our way together it was even more amazing than the time before and it scared me more each time. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I had for him. So I closed myself off, I didn't acknowledge that anything happened once we left the bed, I ran from him, I blamed a curse for my desire, and went back to Morelli, really anything to not have to face my feelings or admit that I wanted more than sex from him. Now though, I didn't want to close myself off from him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to love him, forever if he let me. So when we touched now it wasn't laced with uncertainty or regret or pain, it was filled with trust, respect, and love and I'd never had that before.
Dr. Westin asked what sex with Joe had felt like if it hadn't been about love. I don't think I knew it wasn't about love at the time. At first, when we got together the sexual attention he gave me felt amazing. I felt wanted and good about myself for the first time since my divorce. He was sexy and handsome and charming, plus he was my ticket to getting the Burg life that I had been brainwashed into wanting. I wanted him to love me. I wanted to love him.
When we finally had sex it was amazing. Joe was a fantastic lover and I hadn't been with anyone in a really long time. I more than enjoyed being with him. He was an attentive and unselfish lover, we had good chemistry, and after a while we knew each other's bodies as well as our own. He knew exactly what to do to make me feel good and I knew exactly what he liked me to do. I had no complaints in that area.
The thing I hadn't been able to see until the last few days was that we used sex as a way to not deal with our relationship. We'd get in a fight and instead of talking about it and working it out, we'd have sex and go back to our pre-fight existence. If I knew he was going to get mad about something, I'd distract him with sex. If I needed him to do something I'd talk him into it with sex. If he wanted more of a commitment I'd distract him by telling him we didn't need more than what we already had, then I'd give him a night of unbelievable monkey sex until he forgot what he'd been trying to talk me into.
In return he did the same. If I ever questioned if he wanted to be with me or if he was cheating or if he was keeping secrets from me, he'd distract me with sex too. It was kind of like if we could still have this amazing sex then everything must have been alright between us. We must really love each other if things felt so good when we were together physically.
Now as I sit and think about it, away from him and the way he can distract me from my thoughts, I think I was confusing sex with love. I guess that's why I'm hesitant to start a sexual relationship with Ranger again. I don't want to fall into the same pattern with him. I don't want to use sex as an alternative to communication.
Dr. Westin just grinned at me and told me I'd just had a break through. I asked how he figured that. He told me that admitting to having addiction was the first step to break it. I still didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He told me my addiction was to Joe. I used him as a security blanket. He protected me from my mother's wrath and from the feelings I had for Ranger that I didn't want to deal with. I could use and control Joe with sex to my own benefit. Having that control with him made me feel comfortable and good, because I never had that in my life before. My mother had taken it away from me when I was a child.
So how the hell do I fix that? He told me that I'd have to work on developing healthy thought patterns. I need to learn to do things for myself without thinking about the how my mother would react to it. I need to learn that the only person that has control of me is me and in return the only person I can control is me.
He also told me I need to think about my relationship with Joe. Was I ready to cut ties with him? Was I ready to walk away from him completely? Was I ready to move on? Did I want to try to work through my problems and find a way to break the co-dependency I had with him? Or did I think I could have a healthy relationship with him if we tried?
He also told me I need to think about my relationship with Ranger. Was I ready for a healthy committed relationship with him? Was I ready to fight my disease so we could live in an interdependent relationship? Was I ready to stand beside him without trying to control his behaviors? Did I really love him or was I just trying to find a new security blanket?
And finally, I need to learn to deal with my mother and the damage she has caused me over the years. Until I learn to deal with that I won't be able to heal. I wasn't sure how I was going to do that, but I trust Dr. Westin to help me find a way. He's gotten me this far, right?
I left my appointment a lot more solemn than when I went in. I had a lot of information to process. I had a lot of decisions to make. I had a lot of questions that I needed to answer. Lester immediately wanted to know if I was alright. I told him I wasn't sure and let myself slip into my own version of the zone.
When I got home I went up to the apartment and flopped across the bed in my thinking position. I was having problems wrapping my mind around the fact that my mother's abuse had wrecked me so badly without me even knowing it. I wondered if The Dick cheating had been my fault. Had I tried to control him? Did I blame him all these years for something that was my fault? And Joe, what about Joe? How often had I hurt him over the years with the ridiculous fights? I think part of me knew I'd never marry him, but I kept stringing him along, hurting him over and over. Why would I do that to someone I love? If I could hurt Joe so badly, what about Ranger? Have I hurt him? Am I going to continue to hurt him? Can I really be the woman he needs me to be?
I was so out of it I didn't hear Ranger come up. All of a sudden he was just lying next to me, not touching, not looking at me. He was just there, next to me, staring up at the ceiling the same way I had been. He didn't say anything, he just laid his hand over the top of mine and let me have my time. "I'm alright. I just need to think some things through," I told him.
"What do you usually do when you need to think?" he asked me.
I laughed a little then told him that this was what I usually did. I'd just lay in my bed and wait for things to make sense. Unless it was something huge. Then I liked to go to the beach. The wind and the waves helped me think. He squeezed my hand and asked if I needed to go to the beach for this one.
I didn't think I needed to go to the beach, besides it wasn't like I could afford the beach anyway. I'd have to get a motel room and eat out and all that. It was like he read my mind again, he just rolled onto his side so he could look at me and said, "Don't worry about money. I have a safe house on the beach you can use and I can get it stocked with food so you don't have to go anywhere."
I don't know why that freaked me out, but it did. I didn't want to take anything else from him. I was already mooching off him the way it was. He just told me that as an employee I had access to any of the safe houses at any time. I wasn't mooching. If I wanted to go, I could go, anytime. We laid there a while longer while I thought about his offer. I finally told him I thought the beach would be good.
He made a couple phone calls and told me the house would be ready in two hours. I still don't know how he makes things happen so fast, but the second he needs something it's ready for him, like magic. I just nodded back to him. I guess I wasn't sure what to say. I suddenly felt all off and weird and was questioning how close we'd become in such a short time.
I guess he could sense that too. He asked me if I wanted one of the guys or Lula to stay with me for the weekend. Now that I think about it, that should have comforted me and my worries, but it didn't. As soon as I thought about him not being with me for the next three days I started to get that panicky feeling in my chest. I tried to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I needed to calm myself down.
I tried to get up off the bed, but only made it a couple steps before he caught my arm and turned me toward him. I saw the concern on his face and just started to cry. He pulled me against his chest and cradled me there, kissing my forehead and petting my hair. "Stephanie?" he asked quietly. "Please tell me what's wrong." He sunk to the floor and pulled me down onto his lap, still holding me against him and soothing me with his touch. I wasn't sure how I was going to explain what was going through my head though. Then he asked if he did something wrong.
I looked up at him and told him he hadn't done anything wrong. It was all me. He smiled then and kissed my lips before telling me I didn't do anything wrong either. I finally just told him that I was afraid that I was depending on him too much. I didn't want his entire life to become about me and what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to control him that way. I didn't want to use him as a security blanket. I didn't want to lose him because of my selfishness.
He just shook his head and leaned his forehead against mine until we were looking into each other's eyes. He told me that he depended on me just as much as I did him. He felt like he needed me to be at home with him so he could talk to me about his day, about his thoughts, about how he was feeling. He said without that he'd be lost. He's come to depend on me to be here for him and there was nothing wrong with me depending on him to be here for me too.
He told me that I was his focus for the time being, because I needed him right now. There was nothing wrong with needing him, in fact, he liked that I wanted him near me. He said he'd been focusing on his career all his life and he'd been selfishly pushing me away because of it for too long. It was time to refocus, making me the priority and his career secondary was what he wanted to do, for both of us.
Finally he just said that I wasn't selfish. Nothing about me was selfish. What I had put together for him on the roof last night was all about him and I'd done it to make him happy, not because I wanted something out of it. I always put his needs ahead of my own when he needed me. I helped clear his name during that whole Ramos thing, I helped out RangeMan whenever he needed me, I even saved his company when no one else could, and I was the one person he could turn to when Julie had been kidnapped. I wasn't selfish when I put myself in danger to protect and save his little girl. He told me that no one, ever, had given to him so unselfishly.
My mouth was probably hanging open at that point. I'd never thought about the things I'd done for him. I just did them because he needed me. I'd do anything for him. It didn't matter if it put me in danger or I broke the law or it caused problems with Joe or my family. For me there were no limits to what I would give him, because I loved him.
As I stared into his eyes I thought about all that he'd given to me over the years, not the cars, jobs, and money, but the real things. The support for my job, the pride he instilled in me when I found a skip or solved a case, and the trust he granted me by allowing me into his life like he did no one else. The way he was always there protecting me and saving me even though he was putting himself in danger or breaking laws to do so. "You'd do anything for me wouldn't you?" I asked him.
He kissed my nose and nodded his head yes and said, "There are no limits to what I would do for you, no matter the cost, I would do anything you needed."
"Because you love me?" I asked quietly.
"Because I love you," he agreed. I just laid my head on his shoulder and put my nose against his neck. I breathed his warm scent and allowed myself to relax again. After I had calmed down a little he asked me what I had meant by him being a security blanket. I tried to explain that I didn't want to use him to make myself feel safe, to protect me from the things I need to deal with outside these walls, or to hide behind.
He told me there was nothing wrong with needing a security blanket once and a while, as long as that wasn't what our entire relationship was about. I must have looked at him like he was speaking another language at that point, because he started to interpret it for me. He said, "I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling safer together than apart. Families protect each other, share strength with one another, and deal with their problems together." Then he lightly tugged one of my curls and told me, "I won't let you hide behind me, but I'll stand by your side through anything." I started to say something, but he put his finger against my lips and said, "I need you to do all those things for me too. That's what love is. That's what being a family is. You're my family, Babe. I love you and we will fight all this together."
He made me cry again with his beautiful words. He laughed when I asked him how he got so wise and told me that he wasn't wise, he just knew what he wanted now and I wasn't going to get away from him this time. That made me laugh through the tears. I knew he was joking, he really was wise. The more he opened up, the more surprised I was to hear what was really going on in that brilliant mind of his. I guess that was just another piece of the Ranger puzzle. I knew someday I'd have all the pieces put together and I couldn't wait to see what it looked like.
We finally decided to go to the beach together. Turns out he was being polite, thinking I needed to be away from him to think. So when I assured him there was no one else I wanted to be there with he just smiled and told me he had the weekend off and wanted to be with me too. So we packed our bags and hauled them down to his Cayenne and took off for the shore.
We were still probably twenty minutes out. He seemed to be in his zone, with his classical music playing quietly in the background, while I wrote. The only thing that allowed me to know he wasn't completely tuned out from me was that his fingers were making little circular patterns on my thigh.
I slowly slid my eyes from his hand, up his arm, to his face. God, he was so beautiful. I couldn't wait to get out of this car and into his arms again. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with what my mother did to me or how I was going to cut ties with Joe, but I knew I'd be able to do it someday, because I had this wonderful man in my corner.
The only thing I knew was that I was ready to work on my relationship with him. I'm not about to give him up, now or ever. He is my family and I love him, with every little bit of my heart and nothing will ever change that.
**Just a quick note. I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your reviews of the last chapter. I haven't been getting a lot of time to write lately, but I'm working on it when I have a chance. I don't know how much time I'll have to write over the next six weeks, but it doesn't look good. I'll be traveling every weekend for my daughter's dance competitions and doing all the extras that goes with that (like spending four hours gluing rhinestones up the back seam of fishnet tights, that was last night). But I promise to update as often as I can. I'm hoping to write a little romance into their weekend away while she sorts things out, what do you think?**