.
I can dream no more, I've been chasing all of yours
.

Quinn and Rachel have both been done with school for about a week now, and Quinn has been at the apartment. She'll be there for a little while before heading back to Lima for part of the summer. For her part, Santana can't figure out if she wants to be around the apartment or away while she's visiting. She likes spending time with Quinn, and Rachel, and Quinn and Rachel, but a part of her always feels like a boxblock. But another part of her likes to be a boxblock, because damn it, that's her room they might be boning in.

Not that she can be sure that they're boning. They're weirdly chaste with each other. Rachel wears shirts to bed when Quinn is there—something she doesn't do when it's just her and Santana.

But when they're not talking and laughing and watching TV together, and when she and Quinn aren't making fun of each other while Rachel is at work, Santana tries to spend her time with Angela. This is what she typically does anyway, these days, is go have sex with Angela when the time is right, but now, there's an urgency to it. In a little more than a month, Brittany will be coming up to help them move. And then, well, she won't be single anymore. Which is good in almost all ways, but she has to admit, she thinks she's going to miss Angela.

Tonight, she's off work; her hours still haven't picked up since the new year began. No one's have, and more people keep being hired. It's nearly impossible for her to afford to live, but she hasn't had the time or energy to look for another job either. The one perk of her consistently slashed hours, she supposes, is her free evenings that she spends getting laid or hanging out with her roommates.

Angela has invited her to get a quick meal, which is nice. Usually they just kind of meet up and get off, but they are friends, and she is someone Santana enjoys spending time with. So they go out and get burritos together, huge ones that look to be about the size of the human stomach. Santana digs into hers with gusto, but she notes that, as much as Angela is enjoying hers, she isn't very talkative. Conversation tends to be easy between them.

Just as Santana is starting to get a little uneasy, Angela takes a breath and says, "I wanted to talk to you about Helen."

Santana sighs and slumps back into her seat. Helen is someone they really haven't talked about at all. Ever since Helen blew up at her and then stopped talking to her, Santana hasn't even really tried to talk to her. But she knows that Angela and Helen are on good terms, and she assumes that Helen knows that she and Angela are friends with benefits. But she has to admit that when she does think of Helen, it hurts. She never intended to hurt Helen, but she had, and had been hurt in return. "What about her?" she mutters

Angela shrugs, "It's just, I talk to both of you, and I know it's awkward between you, but I want you both to have a friend at work."

"We're both friends with you," Santana points out.

"Yeah, but we don't work the same shift. And I'm realistic. I'm pretty sure that when your girlfriend comes up, you and I won't see each other again."

"Aw, come on," Santana scoffs, but Angela gives her a wistful kind of look.

"I have a pretty good idea of how this will go. Either she'll know who I am, and won't want you to see me, or you'll feel so awkward after it's over that you'll avoid me. I'm not naïve. We both knew this had an end date."

"Only for the sex," Santana argues stubbornly. Now that Angela has articulated the idea that their friendship itself might end, Santana feels strangely emotional about it.

Angela smiles, "You are both so stubborn." Santana just glares for a moment, and Angela continues, "Honestly, any other two people would have started talking again, but you two…" she shakes her head.

"So we should be friends again because…?"

"You have a lot in common. And because I know that, even though she's refusing to talk to you, that she does think about you, and does worry about you. She was sorry to hear about your breakup."

"I'm sure," Santana says sarcastically, unsure why she feels so hostile, "I'm sure she was so sorry that it wasn't her that I approached for sex."

Angela cracks a smile, "Not after she made it pretty clear she wasn't into you that way."

"Please, I'm so her type," Santana sasses.

Angela laughs now, "Typically, yes, but you're way too similar for her to fall for you. Trust me."

"Whatever," Santana responds after a moment.

"But that's part of my point," Angela continues, "She sees herself in you, and she worries that you'll end up like her."

"What, single?' Santana furrows her brow.

"No. Stuck in a shitty job you hate." Angela lets it sink in a moment, then spreads her hands, "I actually don't have a big problem with the job. My schedule is regular, my work with the planograms is just intellectually stimulating enough that I don't want to kill myself. I can still go to school. My hours are consistent. It's not like you and Angela. You both have been fighting to make enough to live lately. Your boss is an idiot, your work is boring now that the remodel is over."

"Sounds about right," Santana mutters, subdued.

"Helen came to New York hoping to get into school. She's smart, and she's wanted to study Psychology since she was a kid and mental health issues arose in her family." Santana's immediately intrigued, but Angela doesn't elaborate. "But she hasn't been able to find the right balance of making enough to live and finding the time to go to school. It's been entirely dependent on her getting financial aid, and she's starting to give up on the idea of ever going."

"That sucks," Santana says.

"Yeah. And I've heard you say the same kind of thing once or twice. Helen's biggest regret is that she hasn't finished college, and she may never get the chance. If there's any way that you can go…please, do it. Don't get stuck at that shitty place like she is."

Santana is quiet for a long moment. "Did Helen say this to you? About worrying about me getting into school?"

Angela nods, watching Santana's face.

Finally, Santana shrugs, "I'll look into it," she says nonchalantly, "No promises, though. My girlfriend's needs come first." Angela looks a little bit crestfallen, but she nods in acceptance. Santana leans forward. "So tell me about the mental health issues that affected Helen's family," she says conspiratorially.

Angela chuckles wryly, "Ask her yourself, when you two are friends again."

Santana sighs dramatically, "Guess I'll have to talk to her," she says loftily, then narrows her eyes, "You manipulative bitch," she mutters, as it dawns on her that Angela has found just the way to coerce Santana to give in and talk to Helen.

Angela just laughs.

.
I fell into what I couldn't see
.

Kurt's birthday is at the end of May, and what he wants more than anything is to spend it with Blaine. It's been about a month since Prom, a week since the New Directions won at Nationals, and Blaine still has about a week of school left, so Kurt must travel back to Lima. He's been saving money, and has enough to fly home. Blaine hasn't been able to help him afford the ticket, unfortunately, but he has enough, and it will be worth it.

His birthday is actually a Monday, but the weekend before is celebration enough. It'll be a short weekend, but worth it.

Blaine and his father pick Kurt up at the airport. He honestly isn't sure if he'll see Carole at all this weekend, and knows, unfortunately, that his father won't be in town (however, he has tentative plans to fly down and see him after he moves into his new apartment). But for this weekend, he'll probably see just Blaine.

Blaine's father isn't someone Kurt has ever gotten super comfortable around. He's nice enough, but he's much older than Kurt's father, and clearly more wealthy; even now, Burt looks uncomfortable in the collared shirts he wears for work. Blaine's father lives in them. He's also just…aloof around Kurt. Blaine has expressed that he has a great relationship with his father, but this surprises Kurt, as he seems so closed off.

He just gets the impression that the man doesn't like him.

But he picks Kurt up at the airport, and smiles tolerantly as Blaine kisses him, rather chastely, before they situate Kurt in the backseat and drive home.

It's the last night of Blaine's musical, or well, Artie's musical, he supposes. They hadn't been able to get the auditorium for the weekend because of Baccalaureate and other end-of-the-school-year events taking up the weekends in the final month of school, so Artie took what he could get and ran shows from Tuesday through Friday nights. Kurt feels lucky that he gets to watch this show, because Blaine has told him that it's great. Blaine had enjoyed A Streetcar Named Desire, too, but had confessed to Kurt that he felt like he was carrying the show, and he wasn't comfortable in that role. Sugar had ended up almost too histrionic even for Blanche DuBois, and Artie's choice for Stella, a girl that Kurt didn't know, had been a weak choice.

But Guys and Dolls is good. Kurt watches the show by himself; Blaine's parents have already seen it earlier in the week. And he kind of loves it, and it grabs him in a way it never had before. Sam and Tina really shine as the leads falling reluctantly into love, with Sam charming and affable, Tina rigid and blossoming. And watching Blaine and Brittany play off each other as the supporting characters is really quite stunning, with Brittany oozing sex appeal while keeping Blaine at arm's length, and Blaine being sulky and clumsily trying to stay in her good graces. And Unique. Kurt is surprised to see her play a male role, but she owns it, embodies both the masculine swagger and her own higher register, and knocks "Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat" out of the park. Kurt gives it a standing ovation, it's so good.

And the whole idea, the concept of marrying to tie down your man…it's tongue in cheek, but Kurt feels like he gets it. Marry the man today…not because he's perfect, because he may never change, but because waiting for the right time means it will never happen. There is no right time.

Kurt still feels like they're probably too young to get married, just like Rachel and Finn were, but that doesn't mean they can't have a long engagement. And making it clear to Blaine just where he sees this relationship going seems important.

He goes out to the lobby to hug his friends and congratulate them on a good show. Sam is thrilled that he's here and, like the good surrogate brother that he is, assures Kurt that Carole and Burt are well. He tells him about his plan to move to California with Puck; he's planning to spend a month with his family in Kentucky after graduation and then drive out with Puck, probably driving Puck's truck and towing Sam's car. Kurt can see in Sam's eyes that he's visualizing his future with excitement, and that being with Mercedes and having Puck there, too, makes him feel happy and comfortable. It reminds Kurt of how he feels about having Blaine move to New York.

Tina finds him and hugs him first and she's quick to note his new jacket—a birthday present from his dad—and compliment him on it. Despite her vastly different style, Tina has always understood fashion similarly to him. When he asks her how she's been, her smile becomes a little weak, and she says that she's going to school at Temple, but that she and Mike have broken up for now. "I wasn't ready to make the kind of commitment that dating him, long distance, through college and through his entering the workforce, would be," she tells Kurt sadly. "I still love him," she continues wistfully, "And if life brings us back together, I'll be so happy. But it isn't going to work right now."

Kurt gets that, he supposes. He's glad that he and Blaine won't be going through that.

Brittany doesn't say much to him, just hugs him and tells him she will see him soon, when she's living in his house. She then says something about "Lord Tubbington's room" that makes Kurt abruptly realize that living with Brittany will mean living with that insane cat, and he's anxious about the idea for the first time. But then Brittany smiles, and he finds he isn't very nervous anymore. Brittany is strange but they've always gotten along.

He wants to congratulate Artie on his show, and finds him standing near Unique, so he congratulates her first. She grins shyly and shrugs and confesses that it was easy to play male and that she's glad she doesn't have to do it in daily life anymore, and that she's looking forward to taking more steps in her transition. Artie looks guilty as she speaks, but Kurt brushes over it by congratulating him on a great show. He smiles genuinely, and tells Kurt that he's been accepted to Emerson college and wants to study film. "I mean, I know it's very different than directing for the stage, but I think I might have an eye for it," he says, "Plus, it's in Boston, and I'm excited to get out of Ohio."

"Boston will interesting," Kurt answers thoughtfully.

"I think I'll fit right in. I'm kind of an asshole," Artie says, smirking.

Kurt looks at him, and then glances at Unique, who has moved away and is talking to someone else. He wants to pry, but…he feels like he can more or less figure out what happened. He isn't sure what to say.

"Sorry," Artie says after a moment, "I just feel like an asshole for misgendering Unique in my casting. And I can say it's artistic integrity all I want, except that I cast Stella in the play based on the fact that I was attracted to her." He shrugs. "I have a lot to learn."

"That's a good place to start," Kurt offers tentatively. "I hear college is a good place to learn. You know, about film, and also women, if that's what you're into."

"You know it," Artie affirms.

Blaine comes up behind him and lays a hand on his shoulder. "You ready?" he asks, smiling mostly with his eyes the way he always does.

"Yes," Kurt kisses him, quickly, impulsively. "You were amazing."

"Gaaaaay," Artie teases as he rolls away. "Take care, Kurt," he calls over his shoulder.

"Amazing, eh?" Blaine asks, sounding intrigued.

"Yes. And you were well-matched by everyone else on stage. What a great show!" he gushes.

Blaine smiles, "A good way to leave high school?"

"On top of your Nationals win? Of course," Kurt answers. "Your Senior year was pretty epic, sweetie."

Blaine grins again, and takes Kurt's hand as they head back to the car.

That night, Blaine is so exhausted from being in school all day and onstage all night that they basically go right to bed. Kurt is tired, too. Travel exhausts him. They have all day tomorrow.

Except tomorrow is apparently a coffee date with Karofsky. Well, not date-date, of course, but Blaine and Karofsky and the rest of the "gay secret society" would try to get together every two weeks or so. Today, it was just supposed to be Blaine and Karofsky, because they wanted to talk more candidly, but Kurt gets himself invited along.

Karofsky is waiting when they get to the Lima Bean. He already has a cup of some kind of sugary frozen coffee. Blaine goes up to order for himself and Kurt and Kurt sits to join him. "Hello, David."

Karofsky smiles wanly, "Hey, Kurt. It's good to see you. I didn't know you were in town."

"I'm just here for my birthday," he answers. Karofsky wishes him a happy birthday and they sit kind of awkwardly, waiting for Blaine.

Blaine returns with Kurt's regular order and his, and sits between Kurt and Karofsky, after giving Karofsky a kind of awkward half-hug with an arm around his shoulder. "How are you, Dave?" Blaine asks.

Karofsky shrugs, eyes flicking to Kurt. Blaine looks, too, and says easily, "I really haven't told Kurt anything, so, if you haven't confided in him, he doesn't know."

"I don't know what?" Kurt asks, unable to help himself.

Karofsky glances at him and shrugs, "About my boyfriend."

Kurt blinks. He didn't know Karofsky had been seeing anyone. He's happy, though, because it means Karofsky is moving on, has moved on from him, and as flattering as it is for someone to have a crush on him…he wouldn't wish unrequited feelings on anyone. "Oh! That's great, David."

"Blaine doesn't necessarily agree," he grumbles in return.

Kurt looks askance at Blaine, who looks stern. "Well, he's much older, and he's playing a large part in Dave's college decisions."

Kurt raises an eyebrow, "How much older?"

"He's only twenty-nine," Karofsky sighs.

"That's not so bad," Kurt shrugs.

Blaine taps his fingers, "It just doesn't sit right with me when men troll online for teenage boys."

Karofsky holds up his hands, "I contacted him on the site, even though I was younger than the age range he was interested in."

Blaine's quiet while he digests this, and Kurt addresses Karofsky, "What about college?"

"I'm thinking about going to the Ohio state campus in Marion, and he lives kind of near there."

"That's great!" Kurt enthuses.

"I think so," Karofsky agrees. He looks at Blaine, "And I've taken what you said into account. I'll be living on campus my freshman year, and I'm not letting him pay for my first year of school. If we're still together after that year, we can talk about it again. But…you're right. I shouldn't jump the gun and entangle finances when everything is so new."

Blaine nods, seeming relieved, "Thank you."

Kurt blinks. That's the first thing he's heard that actually gives him pause. Everything else Blaine seems upset about with this guy doesn't seem like a big deal to him, but he can understand Blaine getting upset about Karofsky thinking of doing that. The rest of it? Well, it's love.

"Do you love this guy?" Kurt asks, without really thinking about it.

Karofsky looks uncomfortable for a moment, but then he smiles a little. "We…yeah, I do."

"You can see a future with him?"

"Isn't that the point? I wouldn't be doing this if I couldn't."

"That's not always the point," Blaine cuts in, "I mean, with your different ages and different stages of life, it might not work out. That doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing, just…" he trails off uncertainly.

"A future doesn't have to mean forever," Kurt says diplomatically, kicking Blaine lightly under the table.

"That's what I'm trying to say," Blaine say stubbornly, "That it's okay if it doesn't work out, it's still worth pursuing, just be realistic …"

"I get it," Karofsky says quickly, "Thanks, really." He exchanges a subtle look of exasperation with Kurt, who rolls his eyes back. Blaine, bless him, is sweet, and charming, but isn't naturally romantic. He can be so romantic, sure, but in grand, sweeping gestures, the kind he knows Kurt will love. The little things, not so much.

"How's the sex?" Kurt asks, just as Blaine is taking a sip of coffee, hoping to make him choke.

Blaine does choke, and he and Karofsky both stifle grins. "It's great, honestly," Karofsky answers. Kurt hadn't expected an answer, but it seems like he really wants to give one. "I mean, we've tried so many things together, and so much of it is really great. I'm really learning who I am sexually and he's been great helping me figure it out."

"You're a big nelly bottom, aren't you?" Blaine teases, coming up for air, and it's Kurt's turn to choke.

They talk about other things for awhile, and the conversation turns light, and any lingering frustration Kurt and Karofsky have with Blaine is gone by the time they all shake hands, and Kurt wishes Karofsky luck at school.

They go back to Blaine's house and watch old movies in his room for awhile, and Kurt wonders if Blaine would be with him still if he were older, or if they hadn't been together this long. It's scary to think about.

Before bed, they make love, with their mouths and hands, and Kurt thinks he'll adore Blaine's sleepy post-orgasmic face for the rest of his life.

.
Let the rain come down, let the wind blow through me
.

Sunday is really the day they celebrate Kurt's birthday, and Blaine starts with breakfast in bed. They spend most of the day half-naked and watching musicals. They watch Moulin Rouge and sing the "Elephant Love Medley" at the top of their lungs, dancing around Blaine's bedroom. Blaine sings all the male parts, his voice straining on "Roxanne" while Kurt handles all the female parts—really, mostly Nicole Kidman.

It's a good day, and during the slow parts of Cabaret and Hedwig and the Angry Inch, they make out.

Blaine takes him out to dinner, and even though it's just Breadstix, it's still nice, and the tiramisu that they splurge on after the meal is spectacular.

When they get home, Blaine gives him a gift to open, and it's a new vest, as well as a CD made by Blaine, featuring a lot of songs, mostly sung by him. Which is funny, considering soon he'll be hearing him sing almost every day.

Kurt grins and kisses him, "This has been an amazing birthday celebration."

"I'm so glad," Blaine says, sounding nervous.

"I have something I want to tell you," Kurt says, his heart beating hard.

"Me, too," Blaine says softly.

Kurt takes a deep breath, and blurts, "I know we're young, and we're still too young, but I want to marry you. Not right away, or even in the next few years, but…I want to let you know that I'm thinking about it. And I want to get you a ring, when you come to New York. And I want a long engagement, but…I want the engagement."

Blaine is smiling, his eyes sparkling, and he whispers, "I would love that."

Kurt leans in and kisses him, and holds him as he notices Blaine's shoulders are shaking. It's a long while before he remembers that Blaine had said he needed to tell him something, too.

"What did you want to tell me?" he finally coaxes.

Blaine straightens, and tries to arrange his face so that it's neutral. "I need to talk to you…about New York."

Kurt nods. They haven't talked about it enough, and they definitely need to get the details straight. "Yeah, we do need to talk about it. We have our new lease ready for July, so…"

Blaine is shaking his head, and he sighs. "No. We need to talk about it because…I don't think I'm coming to New York."

Kurt's heart stops. "What do you mean?" he asks quietly. His stomach is tight, painful.

Blaine looks down, "I didn't know how to tell you…you were so set on me coming there. I applied to a lot of the performing arts schools there, but…I didn't get into any. I got into the waiting list for NYU, but not Tisch."

"It's okay," Kurt says quickly, "I mean, I didn't get in either, but I'm going to try again. You don't need to start school right away."

Blaine looks uncertain, "I considered trying for the waiting list, but…then I started getting acceptance letters from other places. Places…not in New York." He meets Kurt's eyes, "When I didn't come up during Spring Break, I was travelling with my dad, but it wasn't for his work. We went down to North Carolina to tour the UNC campus."

"What even is that?" Kurt asks, his voice dull and low.

"University of North Carolina, in Chapel Hill," Blaine answers, and already there's a light in his eyes. "It's…I don't even know. Just walking around Chapel Hill with my dad…I can't explain it, but I loved it. I felt more comfortable there than I ever have in New York. The campus is gorgeous. We went to this cute little shop selling local pottery and jewelry from local artists. And we went to this Mediterranean deli that was out of this world. Lamb kabobs…I can't even begin to tell you. And I felt great. It was beautiful out. The people were friendly. I really felt like I belonged there. And they have a great college sports culture! And, most importantly, a great Social Work program."

"Social Work?" Kurt asks. He feels like he's in some alternate universe, and that he doesn't know this Blaine at all.

"Yeah," Blaine answers, and looks away. "When I was coming up with backup plans in case I couldn't get into a performing arts school, I started looking at what else I could do. And I realized I really, really like helping people. And I think I might be better at it than performing, honestly." Kurt begins to scoff, but Blaine cuts him off, "Every school told me I didn't have a strong enough voice. My voice is bland, Kurt. I've accepted it. That's why I made sure I had good parts in the school play and musical, why I made sure I had a solo at Nationals. Because it was my last chance. It's not going to be my career, so I wanted to perform as much as I still can. Once I get to college…I'll be overshadowed. I wanted to enjoy the spotlight while I could…"

"You…you're not thinking clearly," Kurt begins feebly, "It's probably just a difficult year for the performing arts schools, or the New York schools. Lots of people are going back to school. Just try again next year. I know someone will recognize your talent!"

"No," Blaine says, "Someone will recognize yours. You just have to give them the chance. But me? I'm going to Chapel Hill, and I'm going to learn to help people."

"This is…" Kurt can barely breathe.

"I had no idea how to tell you," Blaine says, "Because you were so convinced I was coming to New York. I kept trying to find a way. I kept considering the NYU waiting list. But when I went to Chapel Hill…that basically sealed it. I loved UNC too much to not go. I have to do this for me."

"What about us?" Kurt croaks.

"We can do the long-distance thing," Blaine says optimistically. "I know it won't be easy, or what we want, but I want to stay together. I want to be engaged to you."

"Are you kidding?" Kurt spits suddenly, feeling his anger well, "You knew for months that you weren't coming to New York, and you wouldn't tell me?! You let me think it was going to be fine, you let me think we'd finally be together, I held on all year, waiting for you, and now you're telling me you won't be there, after I already signed a new lease and I have a two jobs and an internship and I'm where I want to be? I can't believe this."

"I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you."

"You think this doesn't hurt?! Knowing how long you knew and finding out now?!" Kurt shrieks.

Blaine lowers his head. "I'm sorry. I just…couldn't break your heart."

"You did anyway!" Kurt shouts.

Blaine lowers his head again, wincing, "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you however I can, but…I need to do this for me."

"I've been doing everything I can in New York for us!" Kurt shoots back, "I can't fucking do this," he sobs.

"I'm so sorry," Blaine babbles desperately. "I didn't mean for this to upset you so much."

"I love you, but you're an idiot," Kurt snarls, "I love you so much, but I just can't."

"I love you, too," Blaine pleads, "And I don't want to lose you. Isn't that what matters? We love each other. I want to get engaged."

"No!" Kurt says sharply, "What matters is trust and honesty and communication! You didn't tell me this for months! You didn't even tell me you were applying to other schools! And you lied to me about how much you love fucking my ass and then made me feel guilty whenever I didn't want to give it you!"

Blaine's mouth is hanging open, "I never meant to do that! I was happy to compromise with you."

Rationally, Kurt can see that. He mostly put the guilt on himself, the worry that he couldn't satisfy Blaine fully. But he's too angry to care, "Come to New York with me, or the relationship's over," he says defiantly.

"I can't come to New York under duress. You know that," Blaine says softly, "I have to go to UNC for me. It doesn't have to be the end for us."

"No, it isn't," Kurt says, and Blaine looks relieved for a moment until he says, "It's your dishonesty that's the end of us."

Blaine is crying now, and Kurt is, too. "Fuck you. I love you," Kurt sobs, kissing him and biting his lips and shoulder, until Blaine cries out. And then Blaine's nails are raking down Kurt's back, and Kurt yelps in return.

The sex that follows is mostly a mess of anger and sadism, with scratching and biting and rough kisses, while they both masturbate. At one point, Kurt threatens to fuck Blaine's ass, out of anger more than desire, but never makes a move to do so, and Blaine just moans helplessly, moving his hand faster over himself.

Kurt comes first, and he's never really come while angry and crying before. He's not even sure why this was the natural reaction in the situation, and he feels sick and hurt as soon as it's over. He reaches forward to hold Blaine, whispering, "Fuck you, I love you so much, fuck you," over and over in his ear, until Blaine comes, too, with a strangled sob.

They fall together on the bed, holding each other, and Kurt knows it's over, he knows it's has to be over, after this.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

That doesn't mean he doesn't still love him so much it hurts.

That doesn't mean he doesn't wish they could still be together.

That doesn't mean they don't spend the night curled around each other, crying themselves in and out of sleep.

A/N: Chapter titles from Daughter, "Peter," Scenic, "Another Sky," and Annie Lennox, "Walking on Broken Glass."