September 20

September 20th…330pm

I still can't believe this beach is this quiet. All I can hear are the sea birds and the water, like it's all there is. I could practically lose myself in the feel of the warm sand against my bare skin, the bright sun beating down on me, and the sound of the waves rhythmically crashing. It's almost hypnotic. I can close my eyes and listen to them roll in, break, and rumble over the sand before they are sucked back out to sea and the next rolls in, over and over.

This is exactly what I had been in need of. I needed to clear my mind and find some peace and I think I finally found what I had been searching for. I had been lying here in the sun for almost two hours, just thinking. I know Dr. Westin posed a lot of question yesterday and I finally feel like I'd come to a few decisions.

He told me that I need to learn to do things without thinking about how my mother will react. So I'm trying to think about what I want without thinking about anyone else's thoughts or feelings on the matter. So what do I want? Do I want to go back to the life I was living before I got sick? Do I want to go back to bounty hunting? Do I want to go back to living hand to mouth? Do I want to go back to being alone? I can't say I do. I don't miss my job, or apartment, or the solitary life that went with it.

I don't know exactly what I want to be or do when I grow up, but I know I don't want to be running from danger anymore. I know I don't want to struggle to make ends meet. I don't want to live without Ranger in my day to day life either. He's the only thing that makes sense in all of this.

I know I love him and nothing is going to change that. I'm willing to do what I have to do to make our relationship work. I am ready to be in a healthy, committed relationship with him. There is no one else I will ever want to be with and I believe him when he says there was no one else for him either.

I'm still scared that I'll mess things up, but that's what working on a relationship is, right? It is work, but the fact that I'm ready and willing to do the work is what is important. I would have never agreed to do anything like this a month ago, but now I'm ready to make some changes. I already agreed not to run from him, but I want to commit myself to not running from my feelings or my fears either. This is really important to me. He's important to me.

I also decided that I want to see Joe. If it's true that I have been using him to keep myself safe from my mother's belittlement and from the feelings that I was afraid to deal with, then I need to own that and tell him it's really over. I know it'll be better for us both in the long run. We have been hurting each other over and over for years and we need to stop, now.

I do love Joe and I care about him, but not the way I do for Ranger. I want to see Joe happy and healthy too. I don't know what issues he has lurking under his skin, but they're there. I know I'm not the only one to blame for what happened between us, we were feeding each other's sicknesses shamelessly for far too long. I'm free of it now and I don't want to go back. I have to look him in the eye, tell him it's over, and walk away with a clear conscience. I think it's the only way I'll feel free and clear to fully move on with Ranger.

Not that I'm feeling guilty for starting to move on. It's just that after last night I realized that the games we'd played with one another over the years were over. Ranger was in this for keeps and I want him to know that I am too. Officially ending things with Joe, breaking the cycle that kept me going back to him, will make this real for all three of us. I need them to know my heart and head are in the same place for once and I'm not going to change my mind, ever again.

Now I'm sitting here smiling like an idiot while I'm writing this. Just thinking about the man and night we spent together turns me into this grinning, fool who can't turn off the happy. I hope he has the same problem, doing whatever it is he's doing.

Okay, so I turned around and scanned the boardwalk just to see if he was watching me. Oddly enough he wasn't there and for the first time in weeks I don't feel panicked to be out alone. Maybe it was this town or the ocean or maybe it was just being away from Trenton that made me feel like myself, I don't know, but whatever it is filled me with more peace and calm that I've felt in years. I like it here. I guess I don't know why that surprised me. Ranger would never choose to bring me somewhere he didn't think I'd like, but I didn't know what to think when we first arrived last night. Then again the whole night had turned into a learning experience.

I was surprised when we didn't go to Pleasant Point last night. I guess in my mind I equate the shore with Pleasant Point, but instead we headed North through Belmar. Ocean Avenue runs between the boardwalk and a row of huge three and four story mansions and condo buildings. So as we drove down the street I watched the houses come into view and tried to guess which one was Ranger's. I was surprised again when we just kept driving out of town into Avon-by-the-Sea, which was a tiny little shore town that looked abandoned for the season.

The residents were still there, going about their business, but the beaches were completely empty. My eyes followed the long, deserted boardwalk, before focusing on the ocean. The waves were high and the sky was gray. I figured with the wind and clouds it was going to storm or at the very least rain before the night was over. I wasn't wrong.

Ranger turned the car down a side street and took away my view of the sea. So I turned to look out his window at the house we were pulling up to, about midway down the block. It was a little creamy yellow, cape-cod style house with green shutters and shingles, an attached two car garage, and a covered front porch. The yard had large, mature trees and was landscaped with flower beds that bordered the front and sides of the home.

Ranger pulled into the garage and parked the SUV. I crawled out and followed him into the house. We entered into the kitchen, which was surprisingly large and bright with an eat-in dining area. It wasn't all fancy and gourmet looking like his apartment. It was more like my parent's kitchen, oak cabinets, laminate counter tops, and off-white appliances. The walls were painted a drab off-white and the floor was covered in a sand colored tile, pretty standard stuff. He told me to go explore while he grabbed the bags. So I did.

I wandered into the large living room which was in the front of the house, facing the street. Again, it was pretty standard stuff, tan Berber carpet that seemed to extend into the hall and up the stairs, and off-white walls that begged for paint or some photos to be hung.

Without decoration the room looked bare, even though it was filled with a large, dark red, fluffy looking sectional couch and matching arm chair with an ottoman that all faced the stone fireplace and large flat-screen TV. Down the small hallway was a three piece bathroom, a small bedroom with a double bed and dresser, and some stairs that led up.

Upstairs there was another small bedroom, some storage space, and the master suite. The master bedroom had a queen size bed, a dresser, a small work desk, a walk in closet, and a larger bathroom. I stood in there and wondered why this one room looked like it was remodeled when the rest of the house hadn't been touched. It had new tile, a walk in shower similar to the one in our apartment, a deep whirlpool tub, and double sinks with a make-up table and stool.

I heard Ranger come in behind me. I turned around and watched as he dropped our bags onto the bed and smiled at me. He said he knew he'd find me in there. Whatever. It was a nice bathroom and I was still curious so I asked him why the bathroom was new while the rest of the house, lacked style.

He thought lacked style was a nice way to put it. He just shrugged and said that when he bought the place it only had the one bathroom on the main floor so he added the bathroom and closet into some of the attic space. Of course, if Ranger was going to build something it was going to be built with some style.

When he asked what I thought of the house, I told him I was surprised it wasn't some lavishly decorated, mansion with secured fencing and a private beach. He just smiled and said, "Babe." I could tell I amused him, but come on. What would you think Ranger's beach house would look like? Not that right? Then I asked him if he hid the beach mansion in Miami.

In response he grabbed me and tossed me onto the bed before crawling over me and holding my arms above my head. He looked down into my eyes, clearly still amused. I wasn't sure if he was going to kiss me or tease me or fuck me at that point. What I wasn't expecting him to do was attack my ribs and armpits, until I was screaming for him to stop tickling me. Finally, he just leaned down and kissed my lips.

When he pulled back his face was totally blank, then he asked, "Do you really think I own some lavishly decorated mansion somewhere?" I shrugged at him. How was I supposed to know if he had mansions hidden all over the world? He threw back his head and laughed, hard. I didn't know what was so funny, so I asked. He just smiled and shook his head at me as he said, "This is just a safe house. It's not my home or anything, usually the guys just use it for vacations. There's no secret house in Miami either. I just sleep in the apartment at RangeMan like I do in Trenton. I'm not there often enough to need a house. I told you I had an apartment in each of the buildings." That was true, he did tell me that. I wondered if he told me more than I thought he did. Maybe the problem was I didn't listen.

So I asked him if the house he showed me the other night on the monitors was his lavishly decorated home. He shrugged and said no. Then he rolled over and flopped down onto the bed next to me. He said it was just a lake house, pretty much in the middle of nowhere Maine. It wasn't his home, it was just a place he kept so he could get away, be alone, think, and unwind.

That caught my attention immediately. I asked him if that was the "safe house" he tried to send me to a couple different times when I was in danger. He smiled at me then and told me it was. I couldn't believe he'd been trying to send me to the damn Batcave all this time and I'd turned him down. He laughed at that. He just told me that he warned me that I'd have to work harder to find it, turns out all I had to do was trust him and let him keep me safe the best way he could. I rolled my eyes. I had been such a dope. He laughed and told me that he loved me anyway.

I laid there letting all that new information fill my head. He really was just Ranger, a normal man, not some crazy, Batman with mansions, jets, and yachts. Weird. He asked me if he'd just ruined the magic.

That's when I realized that I really had romanticized and built up quite the fictional character in my mind. Not that it was my fault, I'd just tried to fill in the blanks the best I could with what he'd given me, but those blanks weren't so empty anymore. Oddly enough, I liked this version much better than the fantasy version.

I snuggled against him and told him he hadn't ruined anything, he was just as magical as ever. He smirked at me and did this Lester style eyebrow waggle and told me, "That's why they call me the wizard." Okay, so it was cute, but I called him a dork anyway. He rolled over me, pinning me to the bed again and gave me one of those panty melting smiles of his. Then he just said, "Yeah, but you love me anyway." I really did, more than anything. So I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down so I could kiss him before I told him how much I loved him.

After snuggling for a while we went down to the kitchen, where we warmed up some meals that were stored in the freezer. Apparently Ella had sent everything we would need for the weekend with the guys earlier. They'd stocked the fridge and freezer, opened the house, and made sure everything was secured and ready to go. I didn't ask, but I assumed they had stayed somewhere close by incase we had an emergency. As long as they weren't in our space I was okay with that.

Ranger seemed thoughtful, but didn't say anything until we were about halfway through dinner. That's when he finally put his fork down and looked at me. I didn't know what to think. How could I? When he looks at me like that my brain misfires and I simultaneously feel like hiding in a closet until he leaves and tearing my clothes off and mounting him right there. This time was no different, but I managed to be cool, take a sip of my water, and wait for him to speak. He finally says that he wants to try something. So, my dirty mind must have been on overdrive because I was thinking about things he'd like to try, like maybe licking the sorbet off me. Instead he said he wanted to play a game, we'd each get to ask five questions and the other would have to answer truthfully, no dodging.

I don't know why that scared me so badly, I was an open book for him to read. He probably knew my entire history since the first time we met. I'd ran his search programs and knew what they could do. There had to be a file on me somewhere in his office. Okay, so the only things he didn't have access to were my private thoughts, at least most of the time, but it wouldn't be so bad to tell him what I thought anymore. Now that loving him wasn't a secret, I felt like I had nothing to hide. He on the other hand still had a lot of secrets and was offering to share things with me. Things I always wanted to know. I guess that was what scared me. What if I couldn't deal with the answers to those questions?

He watched me quietly while I struggled with the decision to go through with this little game of his. Finally I shook my head yes and told him to go first. He smiled at me and took a drink of his water. Then he asked, "Would you like to go to Miami with me?" I think I must have just blinked at him for a few minutes before I finally asked why. He took my hand and told me that he had been planning to go see Julie. I hadn't seen his daughter since, well, since he was shot in my apartment. He said that she asked about me and wanted to see me again. He also said he wanted me to meet his abuela and take me to Little Havana, where he had spent his high school years. I finally told him that I'd go with him. It was another piece of the Ranger puzzle I'd be able to put together.

Then it was my turn so I asked him, "Where do you consider your home to be? Newark, Miami, Trenton?" He shrugged at me and leaned back in his chair. He said that after the army he considered himself homeless until he'd met me. I was his home now. Wherever I was, he'd be. That had totally made me feel all gooey inside. He was a smooth one that's for sure, but I wasn't going to let him distract me, too much. "What about before the army? This is the same question, just so you know," I asked again. He laughed at that and leaned in toward me until our noses were touching and just said, "Miami." I had about five more questions pop into my head just from that answer, but before I could ask another he was taking his turn.

"Is there a part of you that wants the husband, two and a half kids, dog, and house thing?" he asked. I think my eyebrows must have hit my hairline. I couldn't believe he went there. I knew he always assumed those were the things I wanted. I'm pretty sure those were the things he used as a reason to send me back to Morelli, he reasoned that he couldn't give that to me, but Joe could. The whole thing kind of made me sick to think about and I really didn't want to talk about it, but if I wanted a future with him I knew we couldn't ignore it. Denial was no longer an option.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. I wasn't sure how to explain what I wanted. "I was married once and it didn't work. I swore I'd never do it again. Of course, I've thought about it over the years, probably because my mother kept harassing me about it, but I don't know if it'll ever be right for me or not. It's not something I'd jump into and I don't want to fail at it again. If I do it, it's forever." He just nodded at me to continue so I did. "Honestly, you're the only man I've trusted enough to even consider committing to long term. Do I want to marry you someday? I don't know, maybe, but if we don't that'll be fine too, as long as you're committed to me. As far as kids go, no, I don't think I want kids. I'm not really in a place where I'm healthy enough to care for a child and maybe I never will be. I guess my life doesn't really lend itself to a family." He took my hand in his, but didn't interrupt my thoughts. "Now, I love Bob, but I don't miss him chewing up the house, eating my underwear, and having to pick up his poop. So, no, Rex is probably it for me as far as pets go. Housing is always negotiable. I'm starting to think it doesn't matter where I am as long as it's secure." Ranger's smile about split his face in half when I said that. He said he's been waiting all these years to hear me say those words. I laughed then, he really did hate my apartment's lack of security.

Then I asked him if he wanted a family and kids someday. I figured if I didn't and he did, that could be a deal breaker like it was with Joe. Ranger just raised an eyebrow and nodded at me. He told me that he did want a family, but it didn't have to be a traditional one. It could just be me and him if that's what I wanted. I knew there was more so I squeezed his hand. He finally cleared his throat and nodded again before he spoke, "I never thought I'd be able to commit to you like I wanted to, but here we are. I know we're nowhere near healed enough to talk about the future, but I know we will have one together. I want to spend my life with you and I wouldn't mind doing that as your husband, but if that's not what you want then I'm alright just being by your side. You're the only thing I need."

That was a real holy crap moment. He really does love me and wants to be with me. I don't know why his words surprised me, he'd been telling me that for the last week, but put so bluntly I couldn't deny that he'd given it thought and really wanted me. He's thought about marrying me. Yeah. Holy crap.

If that wasn't enough he rolled right into his next question. "Will you move in with me?" I rolled my eyes at him. I was already moved in with him, yeesh. "Permanently. We'll get all your stuff. Get rid of your apartment and just have our apartment, together," he told me. My mouth opened, but no words came out. "I want what we have now for the rest of my life. I don't want you to leave. We belong together," he explained further.

It was a huge step. Giving up my apartment had always felt like giving away my independence. I'd done that when I'd moved in with The Dick and he'd left me with nothing, no home, no stuff, no financial security. I never wanted to leave myself in that situation again. I think that's what always kept me holding onto that apartment when I'd lived with Joe, then again, I never lived with him for long. I couldn't see a future sharing a home with him. Now, I couldn't see a future not sharing a home with Ranger. The question was did I trust him enough not to do to me what The Dick had done.

I looked him up and down and knew he'd never leave me without anything, even if things didn't work out he'd try to take care of me. That's just how he was. So yeah, I did trust him. He finally asked what I was thinking. I laughed nervously and told him that I was thinking that I love him and trust him and can't imagine not living with him again. He suddenly pulled me toward him and kissed me.

His warm lips moved over mine softly, coaxing me to return the kiss. It didn't take me long to respond. His kiss became wilder when I wrapped my arms around his neck and let my fingers dive into that silky hair of his. My nails dug into his scalp, holding him to me as his tongue invaded my mouth. His hands moved under my hips, squeezing me roughly through the thick material of my jeans. I was suddenly hoisted out of my chair and lifted against him. I wrapped myself around him as he moved us toward the other room.

The kiss was never broken as he dropped down into the arm chair with me still wrapped around his body. His hands moved under my tee shirt, slowly rubbing up and down the bare skin of my back as his lips moved from mine and found their way to my neck. His fingers moved over my bra, flicking open the clasp. I moved back enough to pull the tee shirt over my head. His eyes were fixed on the lacy, white bra as he slipped the straps off my shoulders and pulled the bra from my body.

I shivered, but didn't know if it was from the heat from the fireplace warming my back, but leaving my front cool or the intense stare of the man holding me on top of him. The heat of his gaze had definitely warmed me from the inside out. He was completely still, just holding my hips against his while he looked at me.

I really wondered what was going on in his head, but I was afraid to break the silence between us to ask. Mother Nature didn't have the same problem. A loud crack of thunder shook the house, then it sounded like the flood gates opened as rain poured from the sky. I screamed and jumped as the thunder startled me. I saw Ranger's lips tip up just a fraction like he was amused again. "I've got you, Babe," he told me as he reached up and touched his fingers to my cheek. "The thunder won't hurt you," he whispered to me.

I rolled my eyes at the way he teased me. "No kidding, it's the lightening that'll get me," I mumbled to him. He laughed then. "Doesn't anything scare you, Ranger?"

He took my hands in his and put them on his chest. "I'm scared that you'll leave me and break my heart," he answered in a low voice. "I'm terrified that someday I'll be too late to save you."

I sucked in a breath at that. I hadn't been asking a serious question, but he was giving me a serious answer. Was I really the one thing that scared him? Could I be his weakness? How many times had he been only a few minutes, seconds even, away from being too late? I closed my eyes. I had put myself in danger over and over and he was always there to save me. Neither of us had spoken about those times, we just ignored them and the feelings that had accompanied them. I had done a lot of running from my feelings, especially the feelings that had to do with this man. I didn't know how he trusted me with his heart now. I had surely broken it more than once.

I didn't know what to say to him so I reached out for the bottom of his tee shirt and pulled it up until he leaned forward and I was able to pull it over his head. I ran my hands over his smooth, dark skin until I found his steady heartbeat under my hand. I leaned down and pressed my lips over that spot, before turning and laying my head against it. I listened to his heartbeat, let the rhythm fill my head. I never wanted to break or hurt him. I took his hand and placed it over my heart. "I love you, Ranger. I'm not going anywhere. I'm done running from you. I'll try my best to protect your heart for the rest of my life," I whispered to him. "I'm done taking stupid risks. I want you to help keep me safe. I'll do want you ask of me. I'm so sorry, Ranger. I'm so sorry I never listened to you before," I told him and I meant all of it.

I don't know how many times my impulsive, stupid decisions had almost gotten us both killed. I just knew that I was done putting us both in danger. I couldn't risk him again. I couldn't get him hurt again. Now I understood, by risking myself I was hurting him. I couldn't do that to him. I wouldn't. That part of my life was over.

"We're both guilty of running away, Babe. We could play the "what if" game all night, but it'll get us nowhere. We need to leave that in the past and think about our future, alright?" he asked me with a tiny smile. I nodded and agreed with him. "Now, are you serious about letting me keep you safe and secure?" I laughed a little at how excited he sounded, but I told him yes and didn't regret that decision. He smiled at me then, the full thousand watt grin and asked if that meant I wouldn't fight him on panic buttons, trackers, bodyguards, bullet resistant cars, and safe houses." I agreed to it all and held my hand out to him. He shook it, then kissed me again. God, can that man kiss.

So I got a little lost in that kiss, but he tastes so good and his hands were roaming over my back and stomach until I thought I'd die if he didn't touch more of me. Then I was suddenly flipped back onto the ottoman and he was pulling my pants off my legs. He dropped to his knees in front of me and pulled my hips to the very edge of the ottoman. I wasn't sure what he was planning to do, but my body was anticipating something good. My panties were probably dripping by that point and he hadn't even touched me yet.

He moved in and kissed me again, but didn't linger on my lips. He kissed and licked a trail down my neck to my breasts, spending a good amount of time moving his fingers over my breasts while sucking and nibbling at my nipples. Then he pushed me backward until I was resting on my elbows while his lips moved down over my stomach. I was practically of fire as his fingers caught the sides of my panties and yanked them off. He looked up at me and our eyes met as he moved a finger over me. He growled at me, "You're so fucking wet." I told him I was sorry, but he just laughed and told me that he loved how wet I got for him.

He just kept lightly moving his finger over my goodies, teasing me until I was begging him to touch me harder. He moved my legs apart, until they were touching opposite sides of the ottoman. Then he told me that he loved looking at me like that, all open and ready for him. Yeesh, the dirty words out of his mouth really get me for some reason. They make me feel so hot and sexy. I never knew words could do that to me before, but for a guy that didn't talk much he sure knew how to do this kind of talking.

Then he asked if I knew what else he loved. I shook my head no, I had no idea what was going through his head. He smiled at me then and leaned in. His lips moved over mine before he whispered that he loved to taste me. Then he suddenly dropped his head between my legs and began to devour me. It didn't take long before he had me screaming out in orgasmic bliss, over and over.

Holy freaking crap, that is all I can say. The man had ruined me for all other men just with his tongue and fingers. He really, really was a wizard. The thing was we'd done this before, a lot, over the years, but it was never anything like this. It made me wonder what else he'd been holding back on me. Okay, so I may have spent a little too much time pondering that particular thought in the shower this morning, he does have a really nice twelve speed shower massager in that bathroom. At least that took the edge off so I didn't jump him this morning when he got back from his run. Yum.

I'm pretty sure I lost all train of thought here. Some thought journal this is going to turn out to be if I keep going like this. I can't keep my mind off him. I'm just going to think about my sex god a little before I head back to the house. No need to write those thoughts down…I won't forget them.

**So, I wasn't really planning it to be smutty, but it went there so I just went with it. Now, what do you think Ranger's been up to while she was at the beach? I'm thinking he has some plans to romance his woman. Thanks for reading, as always let me know how I'm doing here.**