**I apologize to all my readers for this, it may be a little backtracking to some of her thoughts, but I needed it. This is a very short chapter from Steph's POV, this one and the last one I posted I didn't love. I was struggling with getting both their voices in my head and I hope these short chapters get me back on track with this story. I felt really emotionally disconnected from it as I tried to pick up where I left off. Like I said, I hope that these will get me moving in the right direction and get me headed where I want to be. Note to self, never leave a story for so long, no good. So please hang in there, I think I'll be able to work with the emotions coming from the Morelli thing and the dreams. Let me know what you think, any thoughts on this is appreciated. Thanks much.**
September 23…230 am
I curled up on the leather couch and looked out the window at the dark sky. It was the middle of the night, Ranger was sound asleep in bed, and I woke from a really weird nightmare and couldn't seem to get back to sleep.
In my dream we were going to Miami to see Julie, like Ranger invited me to do over the weekend, but before we got there Scrog had escaped prison and took Julie away from us, again. He wanted to trade me for Julie and I had no problem with that. I loved that little girl from the moment I first met her. She was a fighter and survivor just like her dad was. Even if they hardly knew one another, she was so obviously a part of him and I couldn't let that part be hurt by that monster.
I had weird flashes of being tied up, and chained, and stripped of my clothes, and touched by cold, sweaty hands that obviously weren't Ranger's. I felt the chapped lips press to my skin and I screamed, in the dream. In real life I must not have made a sound, because that was when I woke up, shaking and sweating, scared to death that it would all happen again. I was scared to close my eyes after that. I didn't want to relive that. I didn't want to see what I knew would come next. I didn't want to see Ranger killed before my eyes.
I crawled from the bed and grabbed my phone, ready to call Dr. Westin, but for some reason I couldn't make myself do it. I guess I didn't want him to see the setback I was having. He had been so pleased with the progress I had made over the weekend and I wanted him and Ranger both to be proud of me. I couldn't just call in the middle of the night about a stupid bad dream, which was over now anyway.
I have to focus on the good, on my reality. I had made so many important decisions about where I wanted my life to go and had been so excited to talk them over with Dr. Westin yesterday morning. I wasn't disappointed with his reaction at all. He made me feel like I wasn't rushing or getting ahead of myself, which oddly enough, was the only thing I was afraid of at the time.
I told him I decided to quit bounty hunting and that letting go of my job seemed like an easy decision when I weighed the pros and cons. I guess I always knew I didn't want to be a bounty hunter forever. The hours were good, the dress code was great, and the pay was not too bad when I had files, but weighed against the injuries, danger, threats, and the fact that Ranger and Joe were both shot, Joe was hit by a car, Ranger was stabbed, Lula was raped, Tank broke his leg, Val and Grandma were both kidnapped, and I'd been almost killed a couple dozen times, the job just wasn't worth their lives, or mine. Besides, I made a promise to Ranger to be safer and I planned to keep that promise.
Dr. Westin seemed pleased with my confession. He told me that I had finally given my life some value. I didn't realize that I had, but when I stopped to think about it, I did feel differently. I want to live a long and happy life now. I want a future with Ranger, but I want to live for me, for us. I don't know when that changed, but it had. I couldn't stand the thought of missing single day I could have with him.
My self-esteem was still garbage, I knew that, but now I didn't see just the negative. I saw the things Ranger and Tank and Ella were able to show me about myself, personally, professionally, and even domestically I was growing and I liked the changes. The doctor told me that showed I was surrounding myself with the right people and my support system was strong. I need to keep trusting them, since they are the ones that will help me through this. I didn't think trust would be a problem with that group, they were the best people I knew.
Plus, I would be surrounded by them now that I was moving in with Ranger. RangeMan and all the people here are my safe haven. That's why I chose to ask Ranger for a job. I wasn't sure how long I'd keep it. I knew it wasn't permanent, but for now it was a really good choice.
I didn't decide to move in with him permanently because of the safety, though. I chose to move in, because of the man that asked me. He wants me to be with him, hopefully for the rest of our lives and I want the same thing. Admitting to loving him and falling in love more deeply than I thought possible had happened quickly. It scared me a little, but I kept reminding myself that it wasn't new, I had been in love with him for years now. We weren't strangers. He knew parts of me no one else did, the good and the bad, and he was still here telling me he loved me. It warmed my heart to know he felt the same way I did, because I would love him through anything too.
Dr. Westin seemed surprised when I said I was giving up my apartment, but told me that as long as I had thought it through and living together was working for us he wasn't going to talk me out of it. Then he asked what other things I'd made decisions about and I think my face turned a bright red. The one thing I hadn't told Ranger about was that I felt like I was ready to be fully intimate with him.
We had grown so close over the last few weeks, not just in the physical sense, but emotionally I was closer and felt more connected to him than anyone else I'd ever been close to. The thing about us as a couple was that we naturally expressed our love for one another physically. I loved touching him and kissing him.
We had managed to explore each other's bodies and share pleasure in every sense but one. We hadn't had actual intercourse yet, but it was hard to say we weren't having sex with all the things we had been sharing. I certainly felt like he was making love to me with his touch and kisses and I imagined he felt the same about me. So what was holding me back? I knew I wasn't confusing sex for love with Ranger anymore, the 'sex' I was having with him now was an expression of the love we share.
I know he said I should take my time and he'd wait as long as I wanted him to, but why wait any longer? We are both adults, we love each other, we are planning to live together as a couple, we are going to commit to spending our lives together, so why in the world was I still holding back on the physical aspect of the relationship? Yeah, it seemed like my reasons to do it were far outweighing the reason not to.
My reason not to, Joe. I still need to confront and officially end things with him. I was ready to tell him that I'm with Ranger now, though I'm sure Mother already told him. Dr. Westin wasn't sure I should confront Joe alone. He was worried about a panic attack or falling back into my old patterns if I wasn't completely ready yet. So I promised to bring back-up when I decide to do it.
When I mentioned couple's therapy he seemed to be pleased that Ranger and I decided to see him together weekly. He thought that was a great choice, it'd help us keep communication open. He didn't say it, but I think he wants us to be together too. I can see it in his eyes even when he's trying to be professional.
Trying to keep communication open wasn't always easy for us, but we were trying. I hesitated last night, trying to decide how to tell Ranger that I wanted to talk to Joe. I thought about not telling him, but I knew that was the wrong thing to do. So I finally just blurted it out as I was setting the table, "I want to go talk to Morelli tomorrow."
He got up from the barstool and walked over to me, pulled me into his arms, and kissed my hair. I could tell he was fighting what he really wanted to say, but seemed to calm and kiss me again. I hugged him tightly and sighed in relief that he wasn't angry with me. "You sure?" he finally asked me. I nodded back and asked if I could have Tank or Lester come along with me, to pull me out if they had to. He smiled approvingly and told me that was an excellent idea.
He didn't ask for an explanation, but I felt he deserved one so I told him that I needed closure with Joe before I could move on with him. He still just held me in his arms and stroked my back. He finally told me that he was proud of me, but if I needed more time before I saw Joe I could take it. He wasn't in a rush. I wasn't in a rush either, but I do want a clean start. I want nothing between us. I want to love him without guilt creeping in or the nagging feeling that Joe was out there waiting to slip back into the picture.
He actually decided both Tank and Lester would accompany me to see Joe. So I called Joe and invited him to Shorty's for lunch today. I figured there would be a lot less Burg gossip if we did it away from Pino's. So I guess I have that to look forward to later today.
On top of seeing Joe, we were going to start moving my things out of my apartment tomorrow morning. I hope I'm not moving too quickly. I wasn't stressed yet, but I decided at the first sign that it's starting to be too much I'd hit the kill switch, at least for a few days.
Ranger just woke and carried me back to bed, so I guess I'm going to try to sleep again. He better stay close or maybe I could plug in a nightlight; that helps me not dream sometimes.