**Sorry about the delay in updates. I was just blocked and not hearing this story in my head at all. I tried to force it, but it was no good. So when it suddenly came back I decided to go for it and write it down. I'm looking forward to the next few chapters. I have a lot to do with Steph and Ranger and plan to write it while it's flowing. Thanks.**
September 24…430 am
I was lying in bed, wide awake when Ranger's alarm went off. He seemed to want to stay in bed, but I sent him to the gym with the promise that I'd meet him down there shortly. He was still being clingy, even if he was trying his best not to be. I knew it was because he worried about me and I couldn't fault him for that, but it was starting to make me feel, off. I guess I could have just gone with him right away, eased his mind and all that, but I really felt like I needed a moment alone, just to breathe. A lot had happened yesterday, not only with Joe, but with Ranger too. I think I'm still trying to process it all.
My meeting with Joe was in one word, crazy. I thought he'd speak to me like a person and not a piece of property that he'd lost control of, but I was wrong. He wouldn't even give me a chance to explain anything. He was pissed off right from the start, probably because Tank and Les came inside with me.
We'd done the whole break up, then get together to talk and end up in bed thing more times than I could count. I'm sure that's what he thought was going to happen and when it didn't, he got pissed. At that point, I didn't even want to explain anything to him. I kept my illness vague, figuring if he cared he'd ask, but he didn't. Somehow he managed to fixate on Tank and me having an affair and couldn't seem to get off that subject.
Even though he was foaming from the mouth I thought I did a good job controlling myself and my temper. Even when he spoke down to me and insulted Tank and Ranger, I kept control of myself. I stood my ground, told him things were over, and asked him to respect me enough to be civil when we had to see one another. Boy, did that piss him off. I don't even know how many times he called me a whore, but it was apparently one too many, because Lester lost his shit, pulled Joe out of the booth, and threw a punch that dropped him to the floor. I wasn't quick enough to grab him before he followed Joe down, punching his face repeatedly. When I finally did pull him off, the damage had already been done. Joe was bloody and Lester's hand was starting to puff up already.
It was so reminiscent of the fight Joe and Ranger had in Hawaii that I was frozen for a moment, watching in horror. As I pulled Lester out to the SUV all I could think was that I was making the right choice this time, unlike Hawaii. I had walked out on Ranger that day in Hawaii, leaving him hurt not only physically. I know he never told me how he felt about that, but it had to have been painful. We'd been having a great time together, a very sexy great time, and it was everything I ever wanted. Then I ran, hard and fast, because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I really do thank God every day that he and Ranger gave me a second chance to do things right.
Tank and Lester didn't want to leave me alone when we got back home so I had to put my foot down and demand a little time to myself. Ella was sent up shortly after that, but she didn't stay long. She and I both knew that they wanted her to spy and make sure I was alright. I didn't fault her or them, it was just that I was feeling suffocated all of a sudden and I didn't know what to do with that feeling.
I know all the guys think I'm horribly upset by the things Joe said, but I'm not. I'm so used to hearing him and Mother talk down to me and say the things he said today, that it didn't affected me in the least. The thing that bothered me was that he thought so little of Tank and Ranger, then again perhaps he was jealous that they were both real men. Men that could be kind, gentle, and caring while still being the meanest, badasses on the street. Joe would never even be a fraction of the man either of them were and that realization felt good.
I finally saw Joe for the bully he was. I had no reason to hold onto any hope or nostalgic love for him. It was good and truly over this time and I really did feel good about that discovery. I tried to make Ranger understand, but I think he still thinks I'm going to break or freak out. He tried to stay with me yesterday afternoon, but I kicked him out and sent him to his office. I just needed time and a little space.
I don't know how to make him understand that I need to do some of this healing on my own. Not that I don't need him, because I do, very much. I just don't need him treating me like I'll break every second of the day. I want to take that worry away from him, but I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm alright without hurting his feelings.
Like last night when he came up for dinner, he seemed off. He kept asking me if I was alright. When I told him I was, he'd nod his head yes and slip into small talk, only to ask me if I was alright again a few minutes later. This went on for almost forty-five minutes, until I just couldn't take it anymore.
When I finished clearing the table I joined him on the couch. He slipped an arm around me and pretended to be relaxed, and perhaps if he was with anyone but me they would have believed it, but I could see the tension in him. I finally asked him if he wanted to know what Morelli said to me. He shook his head sadly and stared at me for a minute, then he said, "You don't have to tell me. I was there. I had Tank wired. I listened to it all from my car."
I didn't know what to say to that. I was stunned by his lack of faith in me, and the guys. Why would he spy on me? Didn't he trust me with Morelli? Did he think I was going to run back to Joe again? I hoped he knew things were different this time around. Things between us weren't a question mark anymore, we had plans for a future, and I thought he understood that I would never stray from him. It hurt and I made sure he knew it.
He listened to me vent my anger and hurt, without an interrupted word. I thought he'd fight me or defend himself, but he didn't. It unnerved me. Finally I just asked him why he did it, I had to know. He shrugged, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "I didn't trust he wouldn't harm you. I didn't trust the guys to know if you were breaking emotionally. And I didn't trust you to know what was best for yourself."
"Trust issues," I sighed with an eye roll.
"Huge, trust issues," he agreed.
Trust issues I could deal with as long as he wasn't questioning my love for him. "Did you trust me not to go back to Joe?" I asked hesitantly.
He nodded yes and sighed. He tipped his head back against the cushion and looked up at the ceiling like he was lost. "I know you wouldn't leave me for Morelli. I trust you with my heart," he told me, and those words seemed to lift a ton of weight off my shoulders. "I just can't stand the thought of not being there when you need me. If you broke again and I wasn't there to stop it or I wasn't there to pick you up and put you back together, I'd never forgive myself. You are everything to me and I can't stop this obsessive need I have to protect you and take care of you."
I wasn't sure what to say to that. I knew it was the truth. As he admitted it, so many things over the years swept through my mind. He had been picking me up, dusting me off, and putting me back together for years, since the beginning really. I never really thought about it, it was just what he did. Was it really something he couldn't control? "Do you hate that you can't control me?" I asked.
He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head no. "I hated that I couldn't control you when we first started working together. You never listened to me and it drove me nuts. Everyone listens to me, obeys my commands, and does what I want them to. You never, ever fell in line with that." I supposed that was true. "You were like some exotic, foreign thing to me. This beautiful, hot headed, independent, woman that fought me and challenged me and outsmarted me daily. You intrigued me and baffled me at the same time. I didn't think I had the capacity to fall in love, but then I had never met anyone like you before. I couldn't help but love everything about you, including not being able to control you."
I was rapid fire blinking at him. I never knew he thought of me that way. It made me sound, strong. I was in love with a total control freak and he couldn't control me or my illness and it was driving him nuts. It was like another aspect of Ranger started to make sense to me. "You never wanted to control me?"
He sighed again. "I don't think I can stop the need to want to control everything." That wasn't exactly an answer. "I wanted to control the danger you put yourself in. I wanted to back you up on jobs, train you properly, give you a safe car to drive, give you a secure home to live in, give you healthy food to eat, and take you away from the toxic relationships you were surrounded by, but you wouldn't let me." Holy shit. It was like the memory flood gates opened. I saw each thing he listed and heard all the times I rebuffed his offers of such things. "I never thought you'd let me take care of you, but then you came to me and needed me to make those things happen, and I did. I'm so good at taking control of everything. I guess I'm not so good at giving it back."
"I don't want you to stop taking care of me. I just need to be able to make my own decisions and have you stand by me, win or lose," I tried to explain.
He nodded back to me. "Celebrate the victories and mourn the losses?" he asked.
"Yeah, something like that," I agreed.
He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, rocking me against his chest, I felt ridiculously warm and safe. So I told him that I never felt safer than when I was in his arms. I figured we could get through anything if that was how we ended our days, together.
I was getting so relaxed I was almost falling asleep when he whispered to me that he spoke to Joe after I came home. I didn't look up at him. I wasn't surprised by this admission. It would have surprised me more if he'd just let the whole thing go without warning Joe off.
However, I wasn't expecting him to say that he smashed Joe's face into the brick wall and threatened to give the mob evidence that'd get him killed if he didn't stay away from me. I didn't know what to say. That was Ranger taking control of the situation. He always had a fall back plan, something up his sleeve, and apparently he had something on Joe.
When he asked me if I wanted to know what he threatened Joe with I shook my head no. I knew it was something bad, or the mob wouldn't be ready to kill over it. The thing was, Joe and I were over and whatever it was no longer mattered to me. Ranger was my future and I trusted him to do what was right here, no questions asked. "No, I'm good," I told him. "I trust you."
He kissed my forehead and held me even closer. "I promise to try to relax a little. Please, be patient with me, Babe. I've never had a relationship before, so if I mess up tell me so I can do better. I love you more than anything and I'll fight my controlling instincts as best I can, but I'm going to need your help."
"I love you too, Ranger. We have the rest of our lives to work this out. I'm not going anywhere," I promised. After that he carried me to bed and kissed away every worry I had. He promised to try not to smother me and I promised to tell him when he was being too much.
I was impressed with our communication skills. We worked that out without me fighting or crying or running away. I was a total adult, weird, huh? Anyway, I hoped Dr. Westin would be able to give us some more tools to help us out, we have our first couple's session later today, but first we're going to stop at my apartment and get the guys started on clearing the place out. It's exciting and terrifying all at once, perhaps that was the source of the anxiety I was feeling. I just couldn't seem to shake the off feeling I had.