**This is a darker side of this story. It had been the plan from the beginning and will be key to tying up all her issues as we had toward getting her healthy again. Since I don't want to hurt anyone reading along and understand that this is a sensitive subject, I will give you a warning that there is a hint at sexual abuse in this chapter. I will not get into a detailed, description of the act, just more her feelings after this chapter. I hope to do this without it being offensive, just healing. Thank you so much.**

September 24…..1800

This is for you, Dr. Westin.

Since you won't let me leave the hospital without telling you what caused my panic attack, here you go. Also, thank you for the notepad, by the way.

So we can start with the morning. All was good. I went to the gym with Ranger. I had a shower with Ranger. Then I had breakfast with Ranger. Perfect morning. Then he got a call from a client and had to run out to meet with them, right away. Still I was good. He'd put a perma-smile on my face before he left. Yes, I was good.

What kept me from feeling great was that I'd been feeling a little off, but not panicked or depressed or upset, just off. I can't even explain the feeling. I just felt like something bad was going to happen. This happens to me more than I admit to. I call it my spidey sense. I guess I really don't listen to it as often as I should.

If I had listen to it, I would have stayed home today, but I'm an idiot. I pushed the feeling aside and decided to go through with all the big plans I had. I'd cleared my schedule and some of my friends from RangeMan were coming to my old apartment with me to pack up my stuff. Everything was set, so I didn't want to back out just because Ranger wasn't there holding my hand. I wanted to prove I didn't need him every single minute of the day.

Besides, I didn't think it was that big a deal. I'd been living there since my divorce from The Dick, so it'd been my home for almost ten years. I never felt unsafe there, well, hardly ever. Okay, I did feel unsafe when Ramirez was stalking me and when Abruzzi was stalking me and when Orin was trying to kill me and a few times when I had break-ins and bombs shot through the windows and "gifts" left for me. Fuck. I really wasn't safe there, I don't know who I'm trying to fool anymore. Everyone knows.

Ranger asked me to wait, but didn't push when I asked him to just meet us there. Probably because I'd asked him for a little breathing room last night. I should have just waited, but I didn't. I drove over with Tank.

Tank wanted me to wait for Ranger too. He didn't really think it was the best idea for me to go in there without support. Looking back on it now, I know he was right. I just thought he was nervous because he was the one that found me in there just a month ago, living and looking like a zombie. I thought I'd worked through all my 'issues' though. I really thought I was doing better. So I insisted we get it done ASAP. Tank relented.

I didn't feel weird when we got to the apartment. It was more like a feeling of familiarity than anything else. When we went inside and everything was just like I had left it. There were no bodies, no giant spiders, no snakes, no body parts, no smoke and water damage, no strange photos or notes, it was fine, it was just my apartment. So I can't explain why as I walked further into the living room I felt my heartbeat start to race and my fingers start to go numb.

I thought about running home right then and there, but I knew I had to do it. I didn't want to let myself down. I had to get my shit and get out of there, the faster the better. So I charged into the bedroom and started to pull my things out of the closet and dresser, making piles on my bed.

Tank stayed close by, folding the clothes as I tossed them onto the bed. He didn't say much, he just kept his eyes on me. I was actually doing alright. I was getting a lot done. All was fine until the guys got there.

Hal, Ram, Raphael, Manny, Vince, and Hank were the first to show up, with tons of boxes for charity donation and large storage totes to bring home with me. The funny thing was that I didn't really have that much stuff. I told the guys what I wanted to keep and they started boxing.

Shortly after that Les and Cal arrived with a large box truck. I'm not sure where they got it, since it didn't have a rental company logo on it, but hey, they are Ranger's Merry Men, they're almost as good as him. I went back into the bedroom and continued to toss the things I wanted to keep into one of the totes.

Tank was busy pulling shoes out of the closet. "Good Lord, woman, you have too many shoes," he sighed in one breath and then in the next he started to laugh, hard. I peeked into the closet to see what had the big guy in tears and found him holding my Herbert Horsecock vibrator (still in the packaging just so you know, as was the porn DVD). "Sweet Jesus," he laughed and laughed until Lester came to investigate.

Since he wasn't able to work with his broken hand, idiot, he was supervising and said he needed to see what was happening. He nearly doubled over in laughter at the size of the giant dildo too. The thing really is grotesque. Then he got his hands on the DVD and I kind of wanted to die. "You seem to have a theme here," he finally said, just as Tank pulled out the other bag, with the Lady Workhorse and the cherry lube. Lester smiled at me, "I doubt Ranger's much of a gadget man, but this seems his flavor." He opened the lube and tasted it.

Normally I'd just want the Earth to swallow me whole by that point, but that wasn't the reaction I had. I felt heat flood my cheeks as I thought about Ranger saying nearly the exact same things Lester had just said. Suddenly I was thinking about sharing my apartment with him while he was hiding out. I glanced at the bed and remembered all the nights he'd slept beside me, the night we made love here, and the morning Joe interrupted us before we could repeat that performance.

Then I looked over at the chair in the corner, the one he sat in while he watched me sleep. Something about having him there in that chair had always comforted me. Sometimes when I had bad dreams I'd try to picture him there looking over me like a guardian angel. It was one of the few things that helped me keep going. Ranger. He'd always been the man I loved, but I was so stupid for so long.

I tossed the naughty bags into the keep bin (to hide again). I didn't want the guys showing them off, besides, it's not the type of thing Goodwill could resell anyway. Then I went to check on the status of the living room. That's when a few things happened all at once.

I glanced at the entry way, remembering the day I realized that I really loved Ranger. The day that had been haunting my dreams all these years. Then the door opened and he was standing there, looking at me with a little smile on his lips. I started to call out his name, to bring him toward me. I needed to feel him, make sure he was real, so I started to move toward him. Then one of the guys dropped my bookshelf and the shelves all tumbled out, crashing to the floor one by one.

I saw they were shelves, but all I could hear were gunshots. Over and over in my mind. It was echoing so loudly that I screamed to try to drown out the sound.

I couldn't breathe. The room was spinning. I was looking into Ranger's face. He was right there. I closed my eyes for just a second.

Then he was lying under me, bleeding. There was so much blood. I couldn't touch him. I reached out, but I couldn't feel him. I saw the gun being raised to shoot him one last time, one last shot to finish him off, to kill him before I could save him. I was helpless.

Then I was back there in that fucking dream. In the trunk of the car, but this time when I was lifted out it wasn't by the goons that tossed me off the bridge. It was Scrog. He was there smiling at me. Telling me that I was his now that Ranger was dead.

His breath was so bad it made me gag. He pushed his tongue into my mouth. I tried to fight him, but my hands were bound behind me. He shoved his hand up my shirt. The cold, clammy feel of his hands were just like in my dream.

His mouth was on my breasts, biting me. He was telling me that he loved my body. He loved how I tasted. He was so glad we could finally be a real family. He said we were going to work on the baby he wanted to make with me.

I wanted Ranger's baby, not that bastard's baby. I tried to move, to get away, but my limbs were so heavy. I couldn't move. I just kept hearing his voice telling me he loved me. Over and over until everything turned black.

That's all I remember up until I woke up here.

Ranger was lying on the bed holding me. Tank and Lula were sitting in the chairs watching us. She looked scared. He looked angry. Ranger looked so sad. I felt like shit.

No one would tell me what happened until you came in. You said I was repressing something. Is wanting to forget, bury the pain, to try to keep living repressing? If so, then yeah, I was repressing. I want to again, because remembering what that psycho did to me is NOT what I want.

Just, please, let me forget again. Let me go home. I just want my life with Ranger back. Please.

**This was very short and will continue with Ranger's POV, after he reads this note Steph has written. Thanks.**