Chapter Four: "The Carousel Never Stops Turning."

Warm lips made a tantalizing path from behind her ear down the side of her neck. She was giggling. He was behind her, arms wrapped securely around her waist, pulling her close to his chest. Warm lips. His lips.

"Derek." Meredith protested through a mixture of laughter and desire as she unwound herself from his arms. She put space between their bodies. She gazed playfully into his eyes.

"Meredith," Derek gazed at her with desire filled crystal blues. His arms reached for her, desperate to close the distance between them.

She grinned like a school girl as he forced her body back to his. She was no competition for his strength. His lips brushed hers gently.

"Why are you protesting?" He asked before kissing her again, "You have nowhere to be." His hands found their way to her hair, entangling themselves in the soft strands. Her skin craved more of his touch.

Meredith moaned as she let herself be kissed. She kissed him back. He never failed to make her pulse race. Her hands slid up his chest, caressing the muscle that lay hidden under his shirt. She wanted access to the beauty that lay underneath his clothes.

"God, I love you," Derek breathed as he pushed her up against the wall.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith let her eyes focus. The voice was distant. She surveyed her surroundings. Derek was gone. She was alone. In the shower. 'Who's shower?' Meredith questioned. She sat on the floor staring up at the shower head as it pelted hot water down on her defeated frame.

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, "I'm fine."

"A couple more minutes. You've been in there for a long time."

'Nurse whatever her name was,' Meredith thought to herself. She was sure it was a nurse. She didn't remember getting in the shower. She didn't remember how long she'd been in the shower. She was mad at the nurse for interrupting whatever the hell was going on in her head. Was it a memory or did she make it up? She didn't care. All she knew was that Derek was there.

She closed her eyes and let the water wash over her face. A hot lonely shower was a far cry from safe in Derek's arms. She'd always been a pillar of strength, but lately she felt like the pillar was teetering. She was certain the pillar would fall soon. Despite the heat from the running water, she felt cold. She felt alone. She felt empty. Before she could control it, she was back in the hospital. She was standing in the middle of the hallway yelling at Derek. She was emotional.

"Just leave it alone Derek, it was one night in jail. You drive too fast! Just forget about it."

"I don't want to talk about that. Don't worry about that." Derek protested.

Meredith cut him off, "Don't worry about it? All I do is worry. All the time, I spend every minute of every day worrying that I'm gonna get a phone call that you wrapped your car around a pole. That's why I left you in jail… so that for a little while, I would know that you weren't dying like you were dying on that table. That's what I think about every time you pull out of the driveway."

"I'm right here." Derek reassured, "I'm okay."

But he wasn't right here. She was alone. Was he okay? Maybe she left him in jail. She forced herself to stand up from the shower floor. She didn't remember if she'd washed her hair. She didn't care. She turned off the water.

"Dr. Grey can I help you with anything?"

"No, I'm fine." Meredith sighed, "I'm freaking fine."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey."

'Why did a nurse have to stand outside her bathroom while she showered?' Meredith wondered as she wrapped a towel around her body. She was tired of taking orders from nurses. At the hospital she would be ordering nurses around. She wished for a moment she could be in the operating room, lost in the task of saving someone's life. Leading a surgery gave her some sense of control, although in reality you never really had control over the human body. Anything could happen.

She wiped the condensation from the mirror with her hand and stared at her reflection. 'Who are you?' She questioned herself. The woman staring back at her looked like a stranger. She looked weak. Sad. Her eyes were hard steel and cold, 'Why can't you get a grip?'

She was standing in an elevator. Derek stood behind her. The distance between them was painful. They rode the elevator in silence. "I miss you." Meredith confessed. The silence remained, but she felt his body approach hers. She didn't turn to look at him, she remained forward. She could feel his breath on her neck. She flinched and she heard him whisper, "I can't."

"Dammit, Derek." Meredith said under her breath as she shook her head. She grabbed the nearest object and threw it against the wall. A loud crash followed, causing her to flinch.

"Dr. Grey!" The nurse came rushing into her bathroom.

"Get away from me," Meredith raised her voice at the sight of the nurse, "I'm fine. I'm always fine."

"Please let me clean up the glass." The nurse pleaded, "I don't want you to cut yourself."

Meredith turned to see the damage she'd caused. She'd thrown a hairbrush. It knocked a framed piece of artwork off of her wall and sent it crashing to the tile floor. The impact shattered the glass, sending shards flying in multiple directions. It was a mess, but a mess that relieved some of her rage.

"Okay." Meredith agreed, "I'm really sorry. I'm just angry today."

The nurse smiled at her. Meredith tried to smile back, but she just couldn't find one. She left the nurse alone with the mess of glass and walked into her bedroom. She hated this apartment. There were always people here. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be home. She wasn't really sure where that was anymore, but she knew one thing for certain; this apartment didn't feel anything like home.

She crawled on top of her bed despite the fact that she was still wet and wrapped in a towel. She didn't feel like dressing. She didn't feel like anything. She was still seething. She hated Derek today. He came and went in fleeting, torturous, moments. He was frustrating her with every memory her mind threw her way.

"You're the love of my life. I can't leave you…. but you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone… not your friends… but you leave me. So I'm asking you… If you don't see a future for us. If you're not in this. Please. Please… just end it because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

Meredith saw the pain in his eyes. She felt angry tears. What about the pain in HER eyes? She rubbed gently at her temples. She didn't want to leave him. She wasn't in control. He was the one leaving her. It wasn't fair. She wanted him to stay. She wanted to go back. She wanted to find happy memories. She wanted a daydream. She wanted him beside her, but for some God forsaken reason she couldn't remember where in the hell he was. She wanted him to put her out of her misery. Today, her memory was a raging storm of pain and angst. She did her best to ride it out, but it never stopped. One moment he was there, and the next he wasn't.

"Mom? Mommy?" Meredith peered at her lost mother.

"Meredith? You grew up!" Ellis smiled as she greeted her daughter.

"I did." Meredith nodded.

"It's a shame. It sucks being a grown up, but the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off."

Meredith wanted off. She wanted off now. She was exhausted. Her mother's words echoed in her head.

"...but the carousel never stops turning."